Husband's lack of social skills embarrasses me

[Crimearino]

Hi all,

Firstly, I know I'm going to come across like a total bitch.

Husband and I went to a baby class and met all of the other couples. I think I am pretty easily to get along with, ask people questions, makes jokes and I'm general a very social person so I have no issue interacting with new groups.

My partner on the other hand is the total opposite, he is a complete introvert, he had friends but they're all childhood or from the gym (where he has been there for a while or part of routine). When he is around new people he cannot think of anything to say and I know people are looking at us as a couple thinking, 'why isn't he saying anything?'.

I really want us to make some parent friends as none of our friends have children and I am going to need some support when on maternity leave.

I have been working with DP for years around his shyness and he really is loads better, but I find myself feeling a bit upset when I can see he isn't fitting in with a group because he just doesn't speak.

But I'm wondering if he knows I'm watching him or paying too much attention to his interactions and he feels pressured?

I know people are who they are and you can't change that, but I was just hoping that he would at least try and join in or talk to people as as knows how important this is to me.

[Crystal87]

You should never try to change people. Make your own friends, if you're trying to force friendships they aren't real friendships.

[anniemac1]

Hi Crimearino. Congrats on the good news. I wonder if it is just all the pressure and expectation about the situation. If your husband is not pulling his fair share of the load, ie meeting people, it will add to your load. There will be lots of people you will mmet once the baby is born and as you are outgoing you will be fine, really. Think happy thoughts and come back to mumsnet if you need cheering up or a bit of a pep talk .You are doing better than you think. big hugsxx

[JoxerGoesToStuttgart]

I really want us to make some parent friends as none of our friends have children and I am going to need some support when on maternity leave.

This is quite an odd agenda. You want to make friends with other soon to be parents so you can get support from them when on your maternity leave? The people who will also be managing newborn babies and possibly older children too. Why on earth would you be expecting support from these people, especially given you’ll only have known them a few months?

[JoxerGoesToStuttgart]

Also your husband sounds fine. You sound paranoid and fixated on what other people might be thinking.

[Crimearino]

Support can come in just sending a WhatsApp to someone to just say hello. I don't know what you're trying to imply and I don't know why you're so negatively focused. I don't want anything from them, I'm not expecting people to come over or to watch my cat whilst I'm not there.

Support can just be knowing people are there or to meet every once in a while for a meet up. For example I am going to be going to a breastfeeding group as a local pub once a week and that will be a support for me because I'll be knowing if that I am going through is normal.

Please do not demonise me for saying I would like to meet people for support.

[BirdandSparrow]

But you don't need to worry about making friends with them as a couple. You won't socialise much with couples anyway once you've had the baby, you'll socialise with other mums on maternity leave and then people will spend family time together at the weekends.
Don't worry about it. Just enjoy meeting people and see where things go, stop worrying about making friends as a couple.

[BirdandSparrow]

Support can just be knowing people are there or to meet every once in a while for a meet up. For example I am going to be going to a breastfeeding group as a local pub once a week and that will be a support for me because I'll be knowing if that I am going through is normal. You won't be doing that as a couple.

You're overthinking it all. Just make friends with people who meet who you like, forget about whether each other's partners are also hitting it off.

[JoxerGoesToStuttgart]

I don't want anything from them

Yes you are- support! You said yourself you want to make friends for support during your maternity leave. I think what you really mean is just friends who are going through the same as you are. Saying support makes it sound like you want them to do your dishes and hold the baby while you shower.

[Crimearino]

Christ. Obviously not.

[Thople]

I get where your going from Op. My DH is probably better initially in social situations than me but has no interest in maintaining friendships. I'm probably more awkward but ending having lots of friends once people get to know me.

I've found it very hard not is not having mutual friends as it means we essentially do very little together socially. It's impacted on our marriage since DC's without a doubt.

[JoxerGoesToStuttgart]

You just want friends. But you don’t need your husband to be friends with them too. He’s fine as he is.

[FaFoutis]

OP obviously meant mutual support.

[Crimearino]

I have my own friends and always have. Husband has his own friends too and regularly goes to gym groups with people he has met over the course of a few years, but he has enough social interaction that he needs and when he doesn't want to socialise, he doesn't have to.

Like I said I have taken all of your comments on board and I do know that this has been my insecurity that I have unfairly put on my husband. This stems from my anxiety about being first time parents and fear of being very lonely. But I do know that it is unfair to put DP into roles that he cannot fulfill. I will talk to him tonight and just make it clear that if he doesn't feel comfortable going again then I'm happy to go on my own but would obviously love him to be there.

[Crimearino]

@Thople that's what I have been worried about. We have shared interest but we don't have any shared friends at the moment and socialising is all done singularly. That has never bothered me and I don't know if it will when baby is born, but I am worried that it will which is why I wanted to make some friends. I know this may seem like I have an agenda, whatever that means, but it's not like that.