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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband's lack of social skills embarrasses me

114 replies

Crimearino · 18/10/2019 10:47

Hi all,

Firstly, I know I'm going to come across like a total bitch.

Husband and I went to a baby class and met all of the other couples. I think I am pretty easily to get along with, ask people questions, makes jokes and I'm general a very social person so I have no issue interacting with new groups.

My partner on the other hand is the total opposite, he is a complete introvert, he had friends but they're all childhood or from the gym (where he has been there for a while or part of routine). When he is around new people he cannot think of anything to say and I know people are looking at us as a couple thinking, 'why isn't he saying anything?'.

I really want us to make some parent friends as none of our friends have children and I am going to need some support when on maternity leave.

I have been working with DP for years around his shyness and he really is loads better, but I find myself feeling a bit upset when I can see he isn't fitting in with a group because he just doesn't speak.

But I'm wondering if he knows I'm watching him or paying too much attention to his interactions and he feels pressured?

I know people are who they are and you can't change that, but I was just hoping that he would at least try and join in or talk to people as as knows how important this is to me.

OP posts:

GrumpyHoonMain · 18/10/2019 12:36

@ ravenmum - yeah it makes him appear smart and credible at work - he’s a top business performer, but the development point is because he’s on a CEO management scheme where he will be expected to listen and challenge rather than actively contribute to discussion.

WhenOneDoorClosesAnotherOpens · 18/10/2019 12:37

Wer2Next Fri 18-Oct-19 11:19:22 maidenmothercrone MEEEOOOOWWW!

lol

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 18/10/2019 12:37

I have some mum groups lined up when the baby is born and will be going whilst DP is at work to try and socialise.

Just do the above and let your DP keep out of it. If you end up becoming good friends with a couple of Mum's, you can always invite them over with their partners and your DP will probably find it easier in a smaller group setting.

I've noticed that it's often the Mum's who make the most effort to make other "parent" friends anyway. I know nearly all of the Mums on our street but DH and the other Dads have taken much longer to get to know each other - even though they're a fairly sociable bunch. Now they do hang out, but it's taken several years!

starfishmummy · 18/10/2019 12:38

I have been working with DP for years around his shyness

Does he want you to? Are you always so controlling?

As for other people's opinion and judging him for being quiet, I doubt that they give it much thought

Aridane · 18/10/2019 12:42

I guess this has just come from being told that I need to make couple friends with children or I'm going to be lonely whilst on maternity leave. I do not know anyone with children and my family is very small and contains no children

The reality is that such friends during maternity leave will be other pregnant women on maternity leave, not their partners who. Will be working

SpudleyLass · 18/10/2019 12:43

Hi Op,

I have to say, I really empathise with your partner. I was that introvert and I'm not saying its the case with him, but I'm that introverted because I was bullied mercilessly at school. I just feel I can't trust people I don't know very well to not bully me too.

Even now with having worked jobs that have increased my confidence, if I don't know somebody, I don't really know what to say either. Its not personal and I'm generally embarrassed too. The best thing to do is to encourage conversation and don't judge.

ravenmum · 18/10/2019 12:44

I think you might have rubbed some people up the wrong way a bit with the last sentence of your OP, btw - if you're wondering why people have reacted harshly. I guess what you mean is that you wish he could just be relaxed and happy - rather than that you feel he isn't making an effort. People who are properly anxious in social situations will know that booking and attending a course like this would be a huge effort for them, and would hate to imagine their partner thinking they weren't trying. They could easily take it personally, as an attack on the traits they already hate in themselves.

Original poster

Crimearino · 18/10/2019 12:45

Thank you for all of your advice.

I will ask husband if he wants to come moving forward and make it clear than whilst I would enjoy him being there that if it makes him uncomfortable then there is no pressure.

It is not fair to him that I feel this way and I am also going to stop putting pressure on the situation too by thinking this is the only opportunity I am going to have to make friends.

I love my husband and we are extremely close and our relationship works really well, we are both happy and comfortable with who we are. This is very much a me problem, I have put a lot of pressure on the situation as a whole and have in turn but this onto DP and when he hasn't been how I expected (he would normally interact more than he did) I put all of that pressure and anxiety onto him. I am going to try and put myself into a different headspace next meeting (Sunday) so that I'm not how I was this time.

OP posts:

3luckystars · 18/10/2019 12:45

Go by yourself like everyone else. Dont try to change him. Good luck.

ravenmum · 18/10/2019 12:46

@GrumpyHoonMain I'm impressed that your dh is aware it could be an issue, and is working on it. It's not that easy to work out what the issue is, when it can often be perceived as confidence!

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 18/10/2019 12:47

You want to make friends so you have to put yourself out there, he is not needed. - this is a more succinct version of what I was trying to say

I will admit to feeling a mix of emotions with people who appear socially awkward, but that's due to my own baggage. I used to be the quietest shyest child in the world and was ranted at by my (ironically very socialising-avoidant) mother for not putting on enough of a social front and engaging. Eventually, pushed on by the fear of her shouting, I developed a social persona which has genuinely become second nature, to the extent that sometimes I see introverts give me that 'fucking shut up chattyface' side-eye. So I've sort of gone from one extreme to the other and can empathise with both. I do sometimes get annoyed and think 'Well I did it and I'm nothing special, so why can't you?', but I do realise that's not very fair of me....

DaveMyHat · 18/10/2019 12:47

My dp is way more sociable than me. I'm autistic. I'm very happy in social situations to stand back and let him do the talking. I think some people think I'm weird but it works for us. I don't think he's embarrassed by me.

If you want new mum friends then carry on trying to make them. If he's coming with you I think that's nice. If he's like me, he probably doesn't enjoy it. Most of the baby things I went to (after DD was born) it was mainly the mums who spoke. The dad's weren't usually there, and if they were they usually stuck together or stayed quiet.

TamarindCove · 18/10/2019 12:49

I have a friend who’s husband is the same. I have known her 5 years and her husband has never uttered a word to me!

I understand he struggles but there does come a point when it comes across as rude. It doesn’t bother me per se, but I don’t get how he can’t just say hello back to me when I walk in and say hello to him.

I did think for a while that he didn’t like me (perfectly okay with that) but after getting to know some of her other friends it transpires he’s like it with everyone.

My friend never speaks about it but I now know that some of the other couples exclude them from social events as they find it a bit disconcerting that he never joins in a conversation.

I understand why you would find it frustrating, I do think if your husband is perceived as stand offish it may well impact on your ability to integrate with others in the way you obviously want to.

I think meeting new friends will have to be something you do by yourself.

DaveMyHat · 18/10/2019 12:50

Well I did it and I'm nothing special, so why can't you?', but I do realise that's not very fair of me....

@ContessaLovesTheSunshine I think it's great that you did it and once upon a time maybe I'd have wanted to, but I am really happy as I am now. I mean, I'm happy not having a big group of friends and not being the life and soul of a party. I'm content with being the quiet one who people probably think is rude.

Goatrider · 18/10/2019 12:50

Just wanted to mention that Introversion and shyness are not the same thing. It's annoying to be labelled shy when you're not.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 18/10/2019 12:52

Dave I know, I know it's massively unreasonable of me for many reasons. I tell myself this every time the thought occurs!

Original poster

Crimearino · 18/10/2019 12:56

@starfishmummy in all honesty I probably am the more controlling one in the relationship, I can admit that. When we first met he made it very clear he was not happy with his social life and used to go by months without having much interaction, I think depression was probably a factor in this during this time.

He now gets enough interaction for him and that's perfectly fine - it's not up to me to say how he is to live his life, he can do what he wants. I was raised to believe that in life you just have to be happy and that's what he is.

When I say he was quiet, he said two words in about two and a half hours and when was asked a question, didn't respond so I then had to take over. I have now had some great advice on here about how to draw him into the conversation by asking him some questions and just going about my own business and talking to people not worrying about him so he doesn't feel any pressure from me at all when we are there next.

OP posts:

czechitout · 18/10/2019 13:01

Give him a bit more time.
He sounds like same type as me. When in group of people I do not know I struggle with conversation. I just do not know what to say. However I'm usually OK to be there not saying much (or not saying anything at all).
I might get more open after some time.
I'm also usually in 1-on-1 conversation, but the other person needs to 'open the doors'.
Please, do not be embarrassed of him, do not try to change him. Such pressure would be enormous and eventually he would feel like failing constantly. That would be depressing for him.
You are absolutely right you want to make friends with other mums or parents. You'll lead in this and if he's comfortable he'll be happy to follow and become more open later.

GooseFeather · 18/10/2019 13:03

I sometimes wish my extrovert husband would shut up and let others get a word in. I have mostly given up trying to join group conversations when he is around, as by the time I have taken the deep breath, formulated my thoughts and tried to join in, the discussion has moved on. It can be really hard to be the quieter one in a couple. I don't want him (or anyone) to 'work with me', just to be a bit more considerate of less confident individuals and leave pauses in conversation so that others can join in.

Hydrogenbeatsoxygen · 18/10/2019 13:03

There’s nothing wrong in being an introvert. Some people are happy not socialising with others and that’s okay. Why do extroverts think we need changing?

Original poster

Crimearino · 18/10/2019 13:03

@Goatrider absolutely agree.

OP posts:

Beautiful3 · 18/10/2019 13:04

My husband and I are total opposites. We have never made couple friends in a shy introvert too, he's an extrovert. He has his friends and I have a couple. He has more friends than me but I'm happier spending time alone, rather than going out.

impossible · 18/10/2019 13:07

Your dh sounds wonderful and I think you worrying more than you need to. Everyone is different and it sounds as though your husband has lots of strengths.

You will make lots of friends once your dc is born (probably friends for life) so don't worry about being lonely. With your personality you will be fine socialising and there will be plenty of other parents keen to share walks, meet for coffee etc.

Once your dc begins to make friends, go to nursery and needs collecting, dropping off it will be much easier for your dh to slowly become comfortable with other parents. Hanging around at the edge of a sports pitch (for example) with other parents etc is also very good way to get to know people. Just make sure he is able to do that without being under your watchful eye. You probably make him feel self conscious.

Be aware too that your dc may have your dh's personality so don't assume socialising will be as easy for dc as it is for you.

Good luck and congratulations!

BirdandSparrow · 18/10/2019 13:09

Why do you need joint couple friends? That's a bit weird if you ask me. Surely, you make your own friends as does he and if any of them are in a couple then the four of you might naturally, gradually become friends, but to actually look for couples to make friends with just because you've all got kids a bit weird.

BirdandSparrow · 18/10/2019 13:10

The reality is that such friends during maternity leave will be other pregnant women on maternity leave, not their partners who. Will be working

Exactly. Just make your own friends and let him make his.

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