To be very concerned that this woman has children (trigger C.S.Abuse)

[Thechangednameoftheday]

Name changed for this for obvious reasons.

When I was twelve years old I made a friend, through a mutual friend, who was sixteen coming on 17 at the time.

No obvious problems at home and she came from a good family, supportive parents etc. Relatively nice life. I mention this incase anybody wonders whether she was vulnerable.

I however came from a single parent family, absent father and poor motherly parenting provisions. I was a bit of a lost soul. Damaged if you will.

The 16 year old (I'll call her J) would often go around with older guys (20-30) and would encourage me to tag along, drink and take drugs. It was commonplace for her to sleep with the men, often at her initiation. I firmly believe there was no grooming involved, she knew what she was doing and didn't receive payment or any incentive to go these things. She pursued these people for a 'good time' and enjoyed the lifestyle.

I looked up to her and began imitating her behaviour, drugs, drinking and having sex with older males. J encouraged this.

J would tell some of the men I was older (15) and tell me to do the same, but for the most part they knew how old I was.

As I got older I distanced myself from J because I felt increasingly extremely uncomfortable about the lifestyle, still just a child myself I was aware enough to know it was wrong. I developed other, healthier friendships.

I was friends with J from 12 years until almost 15 years old.

Now as an adult I reflect on this period of my life with sadness, shame and disgust. I stumbled across J on social media today by accident, she came up in our mutual friends, and I'm left with alot of conflicting emotions including anger toward her and confusion as to why she would have encouraged those things when I was just a little girl.

I couldn't fathom replicating her behaviour, when i was 16 I looked at a 12 year old as a young child and despite my own past would have reported anything of the sort to the police, not encouraged it.

My DM knew about some of this, useless as she is she didn't encourage me to report it. She is what people would call 'slow' and just didn't seem to get that you need to protect your daughter from things like this. I think she thought it was all my choice, which it was, but I was caving to peer pressure and at such a young age don't have the capacity to give righteous consent in the first place.

J now has children of her own, as do i. I feel uncomfortable about somebody with her attitude toward underage sex (which I now acknowledge as child abuse) having children.

I feel it's too late to do anything about all of this, it was years ago and I have no proof but I'm left with scars that pop up every now and then like today.

AIBU to feel this way towards her? At 16-17 can she be excused as just knowing no better? Is my anger misplaced? fwiw I am angry at the males too, but she was my friend.

I’m pleased you’ve taken something positive out of this thread. I’m sorry you’ve had so many disgraceful replies. It’s clear your feelings about J are enmeshed with the feelings about these “men”. Hopefully you’ll be able to access some counselling and untangle those feelings. I really hope you can see your own self worth. Take care.

What I could do is raise a red flag about the fact shes still in touch with at least one of my rapists and has children now herself, but I wouldn't know where to begin to do that or how to go about it in a way that causes the least fallout for her DC.

The NSPCC can be told anonymously about J's past and her current contact with the rapist, and they can assess and contact SS if they feel it is warranted. SS can also assess if intervention is warranted. They might decide not to. They might decide to engage, especially if there have been any other reports or suspicions.

I realise from your posts that SS dropped the ball spectacularly in your case, but if there is a chance there is a child of J's in danger and if you could do something to either cause the family to come under SS radar or to confirm some suspicion that already exists, maybe that would be a good thing and SS wouldn't drop the ball this time?

Yes, it is messy. But you can talk to the NSPCC without fear.

So glad to see you are going to consider counseling. Again, maybe try your nearest Rape Crisis Centre for a referral or for some initial counseling?

I'm glad the op is considering counselling. I've found it invaluable.

The fact that J has that dreadful man's name on her FB doesn't actually mean she is 'real life' friends with him; she could have sought him out (or vice versa) out of curiosity and may never actually exchange messages. I've looked people up who I knew as a teenager, occasionally just to see what's what and where (so I can avoid if necessary), but never actually 'spoken' to them.

I wish you all the very best, Thechangedname.

This thread is so fucking stupid.
OP - you are handling this brilliantly.

We have NO IDEA if J was a victim of abuse herself. But we KNOW that the OP was!
Ask yourself, if J was male would you still be defending them? Literally the same story, but J is James rather than Janet or whatever - you would not be defending them.

And what if the men who raped the OP were also abused as children, does that excuse their behaviour?
No it fucking well doesn’t.

Seriously are a bunch of complete arseholes on here sometimes.

ethelfleda hear hear. The amount of vitriol aimed at the OP has been shocking. She has every right to be angry at J. And she was a victim of both J And the men, and J and the men abused and groomed her. Yes, J was also a victim. But a 16 yr old is in a position of power over a 12 year old. And I’d expect a 16 year old not to actively procure a child to abusers.

She mightn'tve been groomed, but she groomed you. It's very common for girls in that situation with men to be used by them to recruit other girls, or the girls want to express them.

I would report her, if you feel it would help you. Nowadays the police mightn't even interview her,but what you say will be left on file, which would help if there are any issues with her in future with abuse of any kind- so you'llve done what you can to intervene.

Hugs and best wishes. xxxxx

I don't see why a 16 year old would be friends with a 12 year old, by the way. It is not normal, and maybe is more evidence that she had an ulterior motive, to recruit you for the men.

Report the men too, of course. (Soory I think of things after I've posted :) )

*interestedwiman another good point. I don’t know any 16 yr olds who’d want to be in the same room as a lowly 12 yr old, let alone be friends with them. I think you’re right, she was coerced by the men to find younger victims for them

You could access counselling from rape crisis centre. And report your concerns for her daughter with the nspcc
Good luck.

I was having sex at 13 and all through my teens with much older men, people I met in the street, people I met online.

My attitude to my body and sex was appalling. I have children now and if anything the way I was will make me work doubly hard to love my children and most importantly MAKE SURE THEY LOVE THEMSELVES so they don’t need to go looking for a quick emotional high from a man.

I can totally see why you are angry. The men were the criminals but your mother and your friend played their role too and I don't see why you shouldn't be angry at her. She probably was abused as her behaviour was not normal but that is more a mitigating factor in my view than an excuse. She did abuse you and she did groom you. She may have felt she had to because of the abuse she was suffering but you don't know that. All you know is what she did. I'm glad you are going to counselling and we'll done for living your life in a positive way. It is difficult to do when you have been given a difficult start.