To those who need (lots of?) uninterrupted alone time

[NeedItSoMuch]

How do you cope in relationship? How do you get that alone time?

I do not mean only the time doing separate activities (like going to gym or social activity), but mostly I mean the really uninterrupted alone time - where you do not see or talk to anyone and you do not have to be alert that your partner or friends want attention.

Are there anyone else with this need out there?
How and how often do you get it while being in relationship?

You need to find someone non clingy, who’s compatible who has their own interests. I would feel suffocated in a Velcro relationship.

Worked for us for 35+ years. DH does his running, socialising and work events, so I get loads of me time, which is essential for me

Find someone who feels broadly the same.

My partner and I don't live together, have no intention of ever living together, sometimes don't see each other for two weeks or more. Works fine for both of us as neither of us like constant contact with other people, nor want someone else in our own private spaces 24/7.

I don't see any point in trying to make it 'work' with someone who requires tons of attention and constant contact when it's neither something you desire yourself, nor are particularly able to give in any case.

We have plenty of daily contact via messaging etc, just no mutual desire to be in each other's (or anyone's for that matter) company constantly.

I second the PP comment on finding someone who feels the same. My DP works away all week so it's just me (and the dog) at home Monday to Friday. If he was home every night, we wouldn't be together (or certainly not living together) as I like my own space too much. We also have separate interests at the weekends so don't spend every waking minute together when he is home.

Ooh this is me. Dh has lots of hobbies (music, martial arts, gym) which means he’s happy to fuck off into another part of the house without me.

I have dogs so get to walk for hours alone if I want to.

The kids are teenagers so are usually pretty self sufficient.

It’s not a perfect system, yesterday for example everyone pounced on me for something when I got in from work and I had a bit of a LEAVE ME ALONE meltdown but generally we’re all pretty good at communicating our needs, and I make sure the not alone time balances out as well.

I need sooooo much space . DH doesn’t, but he also respects my need for it. We have very different working patterns so that helps.

Hi I think you need to make time and try to arrange it so you are not interrupted. Perhaps if home is chaotic find a special place outside your home where you can breathe and enjoy your own company.

How do you find a partner who can cope with that? That's what I'm looking for.

Totally get you, OP, this is absolutely me too.

I've managed to stay happily married for nearly 30 years by choosing a DH with a similar need for his own space. And most importantly for me, I work at home, alone, in an occupation that requires me to sit still thinking for hours on end. Not everyone's cup of tea, but for me it is bliss.

Working in a large office with other people made me ill when I did it for several years a long time ago, and I also felt rather suffocated when my DC were small and at home with me all day.

I have my own place (albeit renting) and always will ensure I have! Then I would sometimes stay over at mine or whatever.

If I'm at my ex/bestie's place (we still help each other out a lot, his health has been poor etc) and I need space, I go and do my thing, online etc, in the other room. I still can't wait to get home most of the time!

At 42, I think most partners (well, those I would want to keep) would be ok with me keeping my own place, and even if I mostly lived with them, (which sounds pretty ugh to me at the moment) still going back to mine sometime.

I still would see a 'partner' several days a week maybe. As it happens, both my new partner and my bestie are on dialysis, so I get 3 afternoons a week on my own :)

I no longer have relationships
But when I did, they were guys who were massively busy doing their own thing

One with several businesses
A triathlon type who was constantly training and competing

Last one was abroad a lot for work.

I'm in a long-term committed relationship. We don't live together and have no plans to. He likes his own space and I do too. In fact, we're both quite antisocial really! But we chat throughout the day on messenger and keep in touch with what's going on with each other, without the need to physically see each other more than a couple of times a week.

Also means we still get that butterflies in the tummy feeling when we do see each other.

Works for us...

@OhioOhioOhio

By being brutally honest with prospective partners right from the outset.

I have absolutely no interest in children, so I made it perfectly clear that anyone who had any designs on either finding a step-parent, or someone to do the whole vomitously married, 2.4 children, spend the rest of our lives joined at the hip thing needed to be looking elsewhere. It's a big help to eliminate most of the people you are not going to be compatible with straight away. So what if they're put off? That's the entire point surely.

The problem is, society has convinced so many of us that marriage, kids, everlasting purgatory until you die, is the only acceptable form of relationship. Even in 2019 I still regularly get side-eye looks when I explain that we don't live together, and the reason we don't have children is because neither of us can thole them. fortunately though, there are people out there who don't adhere to the thought that this is the only appropriate lifestyle choice, they just tend to keep it to themselves though because we still frequently encounter those baffled, impolite, and downright offensive people who feel they have a right to question us about it.

If you're up front about your needs and desires, it tends to lead to you encountering people who feel the same and are happy to admit it in like-minded company.

Some posters might find this thread and article interesting

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3716322-Guardian-Article-on-the-Joys-of-Being-a-Single-Woman

Thank you all for sharing. I guess there is truth in finding the suitable partner, but it feels so scary to think that something so simple could split us. It feels something like "just get over it and get used to" but I feel I cannot get used to it not having my space (been living together around 2 years). I feel so overwhelmed a lot of time.

Our issue is that we do not have much space where we live and currently cannot afford anything better/bigger (saving money for that, though). We both work similar hours. And while I have my outside activity two (odd occasions three) times per week and sometimes meet my friends/family as well alone (once per month on average), he has no outside activities himself. So he is always home after work and wants to go out and about on every weekend with me (as he has no close friends to do it and is not interested in visiting his relatives alone). He is OK for me to go out and do my own thing alone to an extent (as it is currently in place), so adding a couple of more hours me spending some alone time outside (e.g. finding a quiet place for myself) is not OK for him. Because he would feel alone and ignored and that I do not want to spend time with him. I have told him how much I need this time to my self and he has recently finally tried to give me like two hours once per week (by him going swimming or walking alone), but he does it for two-three weeks and then doesn't feel like continuing it, it just fizzles out. Even if I stay home and do my own thing and ask him not to seek my attention during the time, it feels kind of wrong, like he is just forcing him to accept to be quiet.

I guess no one is truly happy in this situation. I guess I have to really think about what you all have written here. It sounds like a bliss to have someone in your life who has similar need.

DH does not need space, but he needs his exercise/hobbies so is out of the house 3 nights a week, and Saturday mornings.

The teens are out a lot too

Works for everyone

@AutumnRose1 thanks for the article! A really good read and it actually boosted myself. I was single for years prior to this relationship and I was actually happy. It made me realise that in this relationship I do not feel that happy (although being in it has its benefits), but what striked me was the feeling I got that I should try, I should try to save the relationship because how on earth can I go back to being single! While in reality I will only lose the person "to go the cinema or concert with". I feel shocked at the moment, to be honest.

I feel so sad reading this.
My ex is you.. He loves his space and time on his own.. I do too and am busy with work and friends but because we don't live overly near to each other I probably pushed a little more than I would have had he been nearer. We've worked fine, I miss him a lot though and things have taken their toll for reasons and he's told me he likes his space, always has.. Can have both but feels I'm not happy and he can't give me what I want.. Now I've lost him I'd give anything to go back to seeing him less but it's not going to happen😞

@NeedItSoMuch

Is it really 'something so simple' though?

I'd say my need for my own space and own company is fundamental to my mental wellbeing. So much so, that I'm not willing to sacrifice it, or even compromise it for any partner.

I've done the whole marriage, living together, 'us' thing for an extended period before, and without meaning to sound melodramatic, the resultant fundamental unhappiness completely destroyed my mental health. I knew beforehand that I felt like this, I just didn't know how to express it succinctly enough, so I worded it to my partner along the lines of a 'if you think marriage is going to change me, think again'. What I really meant, was that I could never see myself being happy being a typical 'us', and the pre-marriage relationship we had was pretty much on the money for me. Obviously it wasn't enough for them, and my resultant unhappiness in the married state and inability to become more of an 'us' was in large part the reason we eventually separated. It literally made me ill and destroyed a lot of what I am. It's only now that I'm years away from it and in a relationship that actually does work for me that I can see it in it's proper perspective.

My DP has his DCs 50/50 so we don’t live together and just see each other on the nights he doesn’t have them.

Even if we moved in together I’d be ok as I’m self employed and work at home in a very isolated job, so I get plenty of down time. I honestly don’t think I’d cope with working out of the house with other people any more.

Ah OP, we started out like you two

Small flat, not much money for “hobbies”

I used to spend half or all if Saturday walking around London, on my own. Galleries, cafe’s and just walking.

DH did not understand and felt hurt and rejected, but I managed to explain to him my need for space and alone time (to process my thoughts and emotions, to let my brain “run free”)

It was never a massive conflict. I did point out that him having almost no friends was his choice, me wanting to be on my own at times was my choice.

Keep making your own plans, and explain a but if necessary, but stick to your guns. Looking after yourself is important too, when in a relationship

OP when I read your post, I did wonder if you were wanting to save the relationship because you think you ought to be in one.

I know someone who spent years in a miserable marriage because she somehow thought "the marriage" was a separate entity and more important than anything else.

The time alone you are getting - I would have lost my mind ages ago. I don't think I could ever have dated someone who saw me as their main way of spending time.

I am also in a long term relationship where we don't live together, have daily contact by messenger but only see each other a few times a week for a few hours at a time, for me it's just perfect because I am a dyed-in-the-wool solitarily type 😊

It sounds like a bliss to have someone in your life who has similar need

It really is. And we both know that when we see each other it's because we both really want to.

@NeedItSoMuch I do feel for you; your DP sounds quite needy and I would probably feel quite suffocated in a relationship like yours. You don't have to feel obligated to 'make it work' at the expense of your own happiness.

Would he be open to you both living separately but continuing the relationship?

DH needs his own space to cope.

I used to socialise in the evenings a lot when the DC were young and went to bed at 7, often he would disappear to play on his games console for an hour or two. I got used to it.

He now works from home so is more sociable with us which is good as the DC all teens and up late!