To those who need (lots of?) uninterrupted alone time

[NeedItSoMuch]

How do you cope in relationship? How do you get that alone time?

I do not mean only the time doing separate activities (like going to gym or social activity), but mostly I mean the really uninterrupted alone time - where you do not see or talk to anyone and you do not have to be alert that your partner or friends want attention.

Are there anyone else with this need out there?
How and how often do you get it while being in relationship?

'it feels so scary to think that something so simple could split us. '

Obviously if there are numerous things in the relationship you're not happy with, you might split up, but I think if your OH really loved you, he'd want only you and would settle for what he can get with you if you had your own place- it needn't split you up.

Imagine how much less time you'd have to yourself with kids! Yes, he might take the kids out now and again, but you'd have them around you most of the time, and it'd be harder to go out etc. And you'd find it harder to get out of this relationship that maybe has problems of various kinds which are making you unhappy.

Need it you've completely and utterly changed my outlook on lots and I'm so heartbroken it's untrue. I've just written what was supposed to be to the point novel saying how I understand why and how he feels like he does. I'd do anything to be able to give him his space and see less just to have him in my life.. I've blown it though.

I guess I'm a bit tired of dealing with the issue. It started from around 2-3 months in and has been continues since (3 years already then). I tell him what and why I need (regardin space) - he agrees - nothing changes. We agree that I need and can take my time, I take it, he is sulking or says ridiculous things. I want to go to see my family alone, he first sulks, then agrees, then says how wonderful time he had alone. The next time - it goes the same way. He then discoveres that getting an outside activity is a good idea, as he discoveres that his shirts are too small so he needs exercise. Does it 2-3 times, then stops again. I must start again with the talking. It's exhausting. I guess even if he would come to terms finally with me being away, for example, then I also feel like the damage has already been done, if that makes sense?

Hmmmm it sounds like he doesn't care about your boundaries!!!

3 years of the same circular problem, geez you're a saint...

DH and I have different working patterns, he works away so I'm alone quite a bit sometimes. I have to say moving to a bigger house a couple of years ago helped too, in our old house you couldn't really get away from each other so much. He likes to watch football when it's on, I will often then go to bed early and read. We both go to the gym but mostly separately as it fits better with our days. If he is away I rarely arrange to do things with other people so that I get the total downtime / quiet.

He did seem quite puzzled/offended by it when we were first living together but he's used to me now!

We are generally just low maintenance people. We respect each other's personal space and accept that it just isn't healthy to be spending every second with each other. Neither of us want to fell suffocated or stressed out. We have different hobbies and ways to chill out. Most of the day we aren't even in the same room but obviously we do make time to be in each other's company(when we both want too). Just not too often as we both would rather drift between one and another. Neither of us would feel guilty for being 'away' or make the other feel bad about it either.

Most would say we are like passing ships in the night, but we wouldn't have it any other way. I couldn't cope with the constant socialising. It is draining, and I'm much happier with my own company.

I had been single for years before I met DH. I was very safe and stable and happy in my little world that I lived mostly in my head. I had a full-on job, and picked how much socialising I did around that to ensure I remained calm and peaceful inside.

Met DH - a standard, normal person, no extremes anywhere - and I just couldn’t cope. We fell for each other immediately but I just pushed him away. For 6 months. Kept telling him I couldn’t cope with him in my house all the time. It got to the point where he’d come over for dinner mid-week then leave at 11pm. His work was a 10min bus journey from my house, 30 min train ride from his.

His total acceptance and understanding during that period is what made me ask him to move in with me. I’ve never met a kinder, more reassuring human in my life.

We’ve been married over 10 years, we have DC, we live in a small flat. Most days, we text during the day, speak to each other and the DCs until their bedtime as “TV-families” do, then settle down next to each other on the sofa and do our own things (read, watch TV, work, sew etc) in very happy silence. If something interesting comes up, we’ll talk. If not, we don’t. We go to bed at the same time, we wake up together. Sometimes we go out just us. Sometimes we go out with friends. Mostly we don’t.

It’s beautifully harmonious. I couldn’t be with anyone else.

Perhaps you need someone like this?

Pack DH and DC off to MILs

I prefer men who are on the quiet side (still have a chat and fun discussions, but who don't go on). I find I have to be with people like that to enjoy their company in the long run. I'm pretty lively and talk quite a bit, but like people who don't need to fill every silence.

Do you mean you have to actually be alone to have alone time? That's probably different to me. Don't mind if they're there as long as they happy I'm reading / painting / whatever.

7salmon I hope I can pull my ex back with how you dealt with yours,, he's you, I'm your dh..hard but I now know what I'm happy with and hope it's not too late

@rhubarb39 It seems you are going through some very hard times. I am so sorry.

I've read more of your stories and I recognise now that it is not 100% about the need for total alone time (which I'd still need). Reading the stories that you just sit in the same room with your partner doing different things without speaking to each other sounds like a bliss, too. I could definitely do that! But the problem is that my partner constantly chats. He has to say everything that is on his mind out loud and he must comment on everything he sees or reads. But when I read or do something on computer or sew (or any other activity) I would like to be quiet for some time, think my own thoughts. I once suggested him we should agree on some quiet time a few times a week, like an hour we do not speak to each other. He was shocked and said that it is not normal and that he cannot be living like this if he has restrictions when he can speak. But eventually agreed to try. It did not work out, because it felt so wrong indeed. And when I slipped during the quiet time, he took it as a sign that quiet time is over. He says he needs to say what is on his mind immediately because otherwise he forgets (and apparently everything he wants to say is deadly important) and writing it down for later is not an option (all sorts of excuses for that). I've experienced a handful of small sulks from him due to not listening him immediately (it has improved now, though).

Basically. I get the understanding now that we just do not suit together. I understand now how I just basically torture him with my demands (and vice versa). But he is a good man mostly and has been hurt before and I do not want to hurt him! He is also sensitive. I am 100% sure that if I would suggest him that we do not suit together, he would be terrified, saying it is not so, he loves me so much, he would do anything to please me and so on. I would love him to just accept that neither of us are bad, we just do not suit, but I am pretty sure he has a hard time accepting such thing. He thinks that relationship need a lot of work and everything should be amended and if things fall apart there is one party that is to blame of ruining it and all bad things should happen to the guilty one and he would also see himself as a victim of all ages who has been betrayed and hurt and fooled.

What a mess :(

Need it thanks.
In a nutshell I've nagged for something I wanted.. But now I realise I don't.. I think its too late. People will think I'm pandering to his needs but I've just had a realisation check.
It is sad and I hope you can figure out how best to deal with it.. Apologies as haven't read the whole thread again but is he not willing to change in ways.. Like I would

I know you have talked a lot about this situation to your dh? dp? but have you actually laid it out to him that if you do not get your needs fulfilled then you would prefer to end the relationship?

Do you think he understands how serious you are?

Needit

Your DP really has some issues, if a relationship isn't "easy" in the first few years then you just aren't suited enough.

It seems like his sensitivities and needs are always championed as being more important than yours, every time you reasonably explain your boundary he sulks, and back tracks from the agreement until the boundary no longer exists. It isn't because he loves you so much he wants to be with you etc 24/7 it's because he expects you to fulfil all his social and companion needs!!!

He is too lazy to build friendships with other people or seek activities to fulfil his needs he would rather just drain the life out of you so his are satisfied.

@Chamomileteaplease I think he understands. I haven't told him straight that I want to end it if things do not change, but I have sat him down and told directly that I cannot live without alone time or like this or that and then thoroughly explained him why I need it, even given him precise time frame of how often and how much I need it. He then has made some changes, but then has slipped back to his old behaviours. It has improved a bit, to be honest, but still too exhausting for me and I am confused whether he has some resentment in fulfilling my needs (he says he has no problem, but sometimes feels like he has; or perhaps these are these past hurts done by him (sulking etc) that affect my thinking; or perhaps I try to be less needy with my needs and just accept that he is who he is and this is why I think he has improved). I guess it has been too stressful for me and I am burnt out now and even if he has and is truly improving, I have a hard time seeing and celebrating it. Even if he is mostly quiet for three whole hours (like last Saturday), I still feel like I have been cruel to him or something, like walking on egg-shells, never knowing whether he is alright or some past behaviour (sulking, passive-aggressivness) again will exhibit itself. Or he will silently suffer and then make a big problem out of it someday. This exhausts me.

@RandomMess Yeah, writing and thinking and reading I see that more clearly. Like I have thought he would just need some support, but it seems, like you write, that maybe he just doesn't want any help and indeed is too lazy? I have known that he has some sort of anxiety issues somewhere buried, as he he has told me that he has been seeing a therapist earlier in his life. He had lots of headaches and his doctor referred him to see a therapist because the doctor thought he might be depressed. The therapist diagnosed some anxieties etc and they had a few sessions to teach him to overcome these. He said it was no big deal. He explained the main strategy and I've researched a bit myself and I have reminded him these strategies when I have felt that his excuses might be related to his issues. He basically agrees and nods along, but then not much follows. I have thought I should be more supportive and understanding, but it has resulted in my exhaustion.

Might he be manipulative? Perhaps subconsciously? Basically he has made me feel so sorry for him, like if I won't turn my whole attention to him or if something doesn't go the way he wanted, he is a victim, no one cares about him, the whole world is bad etc. Or if I have a 'meh'-mood or I am tired, he is worrying it has something to do with him and creates a difficult atmosphere. But at the same time he is so caring, sweet, funny and outgoing with me. I can't believe it - have I been fooling myself and fell in the trap of some sort of emotional abuse?? Or am I just totally exaggerating at the moment because I am not thinking straight.

I think your DP is a shy extrovert..he needs human contact to recharge, you are a shy introvert who needs silence and space to recharge. At home I get my silence and space in several way - DP plays golf on a Saturday (bliss - I wake up in silence and have until about 2pm) , or reads. We’ve also got a small summer house in the garden where I can go and enjoy the quiet (he’ll watch sport on tv indoors).

My view would be to try and encourage activities where DP could join in and get a people fix without having to commit - perhaps a sports or social club he could visit a few times a week whenever he fancied (my running club has 5 drop on sessions a week, no need to book plus lots of chatting and socialising in a relaxed way. Maybe you could do something like this together - you could run alone with your thoughts he could chatter away to others) . Could you start the habit of him cooking a nice meal at the weekend ? - shopping for ingredients and prep might give you some down time ..maybe you have a long leisurely bath before sitting down to eat. Cinema is also great for not having to engage.

I was the one needing time to myself in my mot recent relationship.

He never got it. I'd tell him I needed some time to myself in an evening, and he'd ask how long. I'd then either feel ridiculous for saying 'the whole evening' because he'd say things like 'what so I just can't talk to you until tomorrow!?' or we'd agree on e.g. an hour and then I'd just feel the clock counting down and he'd have lined up things in that hour to then chat about.

That's not him doing it wrong - or me doing it wrong.

That's being fundamentally incompatible despite 4 years of trying to explain it and (I think) him trying to understand it. We broke up for multiple reasons but this was one of them and going forwards I am not keen to have a relationship with anybody who doesn't understand alone time (they don't have to need it themselves, but I need to get it without feeling like I'm trampling all over a puppy to get it!).

Reading your updates yes he is being manipulative!

He has sulked, held it against you, not stuck to the agreement, played victim.

Sorry but he is actually being very selfish AND making you feel guilty for any concession he occasionally makes.

DH goes for looong baths, disappears to read. Of course I would rather have his company but you know he needs his quiet alone time 🤷🏽‍♀️

Thank you so much for this thread. First time I've heard that others feel the same way. Living with someone surely doesn't mean that we have to be one of a pair constantly. Been married 22 years and so far it's been fine as DH has been kept occupied with endless house projects so I've been able to have a little space. Now the jobs are nearly done, DC are independent.... not sure what happens next??!

OP, have you posted about this before? Do you share a ridiculously small flat? I remember a post like this where that was the living arrangement.

You either need to move out and remain together or just move out and separate. This relationship is not meeting your emotional needs. You are not compatible. There is no shame in admitting that.

I went on to this post hoping to find someone who felt the same and your post has shown me you do! I feel suffocated in my marriage it's been 5 years feeling trapped not because hubby is disloyal or stops me doing my thing but because I want him to do his thing not rely on me for his life or feel that's all I'm here for. He likes routine and it's like ground hog day and I can't bear routine or expectations on me to work be a wife and a mother to 1 child. Some days I feel I'm going mentally mad with my thoughts and I spend every day thinking I need to grow up and accept life which to most I should be grateful for but every day I am overwhelmed by my need to run away!!

Now you've described the situation more, it seems clear that he's really annoying you. It's not anything that's 'wrong' about yourself, you're just different people, but he should try and listen to what you're asking and stick with it.

If he keeps slipping back into old ways after a couple of weeks, I don't see how you can carry on with him.

OP I’m sure you posted very recently about this

The advice won’t change no matter how many times you ask the same question

He doesn’t respect your needs. Either get rid or accept it. He isn’t gunna change.

Been so stressful now thinking about all this. Arranged some space for myself today, been shopping alone. Hope he is fine when I get home. Thank you all for your insights, I have some perspectives and ideas to think about now. I haven't posted before, so it is sorry to see that there are also others in similar situation. Some of you have also shared it under my post. It's such a pity, like you have a good person in your life but you are not compatible :(