To those who need (lots of?) uninterrupted alone time

[NeedItSoMuch]

How do you cope in relationship? How do you get that alone time?

I do not mean only the time doing separate activities (like going to gym or social activity), but mostly I mean the really uninterrupted alone time - where you do not see or talk to anyone and you do not have to be alert that your partner or friends want attention.

Are there anyone else with this need out there?
How and how often do you get it while being in relationship?

Thank you all for sharing. I guess there is truth in finding the suitable partner, but it feels so scary to think that something so simple could split us. It feels something like "just get over it and get used to" but I feel I cannot get used to it not having my space

It’s a fundamental difference in needs - an extrovert and an introvert sharing a space is always going to be problematic. (Introvert doesn’t necessarily mean you’re shy/quiet, just that you need time alone to recharge whereas extroverts need time with people to feel relaxed and recharged, the nutters!)

One of the main reasons I haven’t pushed to live with my DP after 7 years is this fundamental issue. It’s not just sharing a home with his DCs, on top of my own 3, that’s stopping me. He likes to invite family round at the weekends and I’d happy for his DCs to have 4-5 friends round at a time. My DCs are like me and would find that Hellish. My DD got 2 hours into her last birthday party and went and sat on her own in a little ball saying “when can they all go home?!”

I think you need someone very good at compromising and very switched on to your needs. My DP will invite me along to things and say “come if you want to, don’t feel any pressure, I’d like you to be there, but understand if you don’t fancy it” etc. And I guess you need to be the same - open to the odd bout of socialising without having to do it all the time.

TBH I’m ok with being just me and DP I’m the evenings, hanging out watching TV and eating, but when he’s been here for 3-4 nights on the trot I do start to spend a little more time upstairs ‘getting changed into my PJs’ in the evenings or getting some important work done in my office

*and IS happy for his DCs to have 4-5 friends round at a time

By being with someone compatible. I relish in spending a lot of time with my partner - togetherness is my favourite part! However, my friend is like you and will only date men who are on the same page otherwise it causes resentment and hurt from both sides.

My partner likes spending a lot of time with me, but he also enjoys gaming, so if I need alone time I will just ask him if he fancies going on the computer that evening. Usually he's thrilled at being handed an opportunity haha.

The only problem is that DSS (who spends his whole life in his bedroom!) comes downstairs to "keep me company" when this happens, as he apparently feels bad for me having to sit on my own. I've told him that I don't mind in the slightest, and I usually use the time to read or watch things like soaps that my partner doesn't really like, but DSS will insist on sitting with me until his bedtime at 10.30, and I can't watch anything as he talks through it.. nothing I can do though, not like I can force the lad back up to his bedroom is it.

It's a tricky one. I suspect that if your partner is very much like you (two peas in a pod) then it's easier because you'd understand this need. One of you could disappear into a shed or garden but if you're in a flat there's no escape. Otherwise a hobby which takes you outside (cycling, bird-watching?) might help.

It's difficult (and we have a young child which can make it even harder). I have gotten very good at saying I need quiet time and making a place to go to where I can close the door behind me.

My husband used to annoy me with constanty seeking me out to talk to me, in the bath or on the toilet! After lots of, "please go away, I'll talk to you laters" he learned to leave me alone.

My partner and I don't live together. Getting married next year and still won't live together for the foreseeable future. Most people think we're mad but it works perfectly for us. We both adore our own space.

DP & I both work FT and have completely different hobbies and interests which means that most weekends one of us is out & about doing our stuff. He competes at quite a high level so it’s very full-on & time consuming.

Also, our body clocks are completely different. He’s a lark & I’m an owl, so he goes to bed & gets up hours before I do. He is long gone by the time my alarm goes off.

I need my space, so all this works well for me. Our problem is finding time to do stuff together. Holidays are sacrosanct for quality time together.

In my experience it is very easy to find a man who likes lots of alone time. Almost all of them seem to - that's why fishing is so popular! Where are you all finding these clingy men?

I love my alone time. What helps is:

• our own spaces in house
• he works away loads
• he likes gaming

We eat dinner/watch Netflix/walk dog together which seems plenty for me.

I would get my alone time of course. ...but having children, now that is a different story on how to get alone time! Now, I NEVER get it. I try to take a bath, and in climb two kids, plus the dog peering over the tub. I try to go to the toilet and someone walks in. Prior to kids, I could just go into the room when my dh was working in the other room if I wanted alone time. Or if he went out and I would stay in. Or sometimes we could be alone, but together (reading our own book, on the laptop etc). Not everyone requires the alone time. But if your dating someone that does, they absolutely need it, so let them have it.

NeedItSoMuch This sounds so much like my DD2 who enjoys having someone around to do things with but her mental health relies on having space both physically and mentally from other people, including a partner. I get that but many people don't.

This may not be reassuring, but I just ended a relationship of nearly five years, and this was one of the main reasons.

A lot of what XDownwiththissortofthingX has said resonates with me: time alone is fundamental to my mental wellbeing, and I realised I was feeling increasingly trapped and stressed. ExDP also wanted the relationship to be very much always starting with 'us', and the default being togetherness, while I needed my independence and autonomy and time alone/away. Sometimes two people's needs are just not compatible long term.

We have quite a big house in which I have a studio. There are some days when we are in other rooms, we both have different interests. Sometimes we quietly share the same space. We do love each other's company as well though.

Different working hours. One office hours, one shifts - also better for school aged childcare.

It worked fine when DH was working, especially as he was often away for days or weeks at a time (the longest was 2 years!)

It's not going so well now that he's retired!

Encourage him to take up cycling?

So what I'm gathering is that it is not impossible to find someone who could match my needs. That is reassuring.

But learning that also makes me sad. Because I start to realise that I shouldn't "suffer" in this relationship and just be single or find someone who matches me better.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX I feel what you described, to be honest.

It has even gone so far that I do not want to have sex with him, although he is so wonderful in bed. We do it once per week, but only because I force myself to do it. I figured that it has to do with the fact that he is always next to me and talks to me and hold hands etc, so it fulfils my need for intimacy already. When he asked me about our lack of sex, this what I also told him. Then he started being away a bit per week, but it lasted only 2-3 weeks.. I started to think perhaps I'm asexual or smth, but I'm rather confident it is related to the not-enough-alone-time.

I have hoped that perhaps it passes, that he will eventually find something to do out or I would cope. I guess he is just as he is and can't rely on that hope. I have also thought that perhaps having children could help. I guess he would be good at it, because I see how he is good at helping at home, taking care of me when I am ill, gives me a hand when I need it. And then perhaps he could go out with the kid(s) or visit his parents with the kid(s), so he would not be alone doing these things. But I am certain that it is a stupid idea to bring children in a relationship to "save" it.

But thinking about ending it makes me so nervous. I know it would save my mental health, but I hate doing him the same that @rhubarb39 experienced. I'd hate to break his heart. Then he would be miserable with himself sitting on the couch all alone. I can't bear the thought.

@Pandaintheporridge I have encouraged him several times. I have asked what he likes to do, suggested numerous of activities. He always has an excuse why he cannot or doesn't want to do this or that. He finally decided himself that he either goes to walking or swimming by himself, but it lasts two-three times and then he stops again. He has told me that he hates any kind of commitments after work. He is not even willing to go to volunteering or ballroom dancing classes or anything similar together with me, because it has this regularity and sense of "commitment" to it and he is so very reluctant to take any commitments. He wants to go out with me and do stuff, but only if it does not entail regular commitment. He has soften up a bit lately, saying that fine, he can try and he understand that he cannot live his entire life like this, but he has no enthusiasm behind it.

DH doesn't like being alone, he likes people and is energised by people. He always wants to host, have people round, see people. I like to be alone so much more and re energise with alone time.

Once a year I go away to a different country for a few days, it's bliss, he thought it was strange at first, now he knows it's just something I do.

I felt quite overwhelmed yesterday after work, very busy, speak to hundreds of people in one day, my brain gets frazzled. So I put DS to bed and said I'm going for a bath. Spent two hours in the bubbles with the door locked. It lovely.

I also sometimes go to a spa for a day on my own and just swim and read from 9-6pm when it closes, again this re charges me.

Find time for what keeps you happy and calm, he will get used to it if you are clear it's what you need to stay mentally healthy. If he has trust issues that's a whole different ball game, but if he doesn't, he will learn eventually that is what you need, be insistent that it is part of your life.

He doesn't have to have hobbies if he just wants to sit on the sofa, but he can't dictate that you are sitting there beside him. Sounds like you need a room of your own. With a lock.

I think it sounds like he needs to make the effort to get a social life via making friends/with colleagues. He seems to expect you to fulfil all is social and company needs, completely unreasonable!

But I am certain that it is a stupid idea to bring children in a relationship to "save" it.

Aye, it really would be

Part of the answer for me has been working from home. So then by 4 o clock I’m able to be chatty with my DH and kids. Occasionally I have to be office based - in a large open plan noisy office - and I feel so badly peopled-out that I’m desperate to go to bed as soon as I get home.

Relationships with gregarious but considerate men suit me best. DH goes out and does more than me - which is good for me because some of the time I go with him which makes me less insular. But he never needs me to join in or pressures me.
And although he’s gregarious he loves reading, which is massive for me. I think someone who didn’t might be confused at how much time I spend with a book (and part of why I love reading is as it’s a socially acceptable way of indicating for everyone to shut up and leave me alone!) When I’ve had a busy day and need alone time but he’s at home that evening we read beside each other without him needing to interrupt for conversation... bliss.

(When you do have children, do everything you can to encourage them to be bookworms so you have plenty of peace!)

So glad there are others like me. My DH has his work and interests and doesn't intrude too much. My DC also need their alone time.

I have just had my SIL for the W/E which has been hell. She is a gregarious gasbag who assaults my ears and invades my brain with a stream of conversation whenever I appear. She does not even let me read the paper for two minutes in peace.

Headaches and exhaustion, and a desparation for mental space by Monday!