I really need advice, please help!!

[Midnightclouds]

Background story:
I’m (24) currently living at home with my parents. My bf (20) is currently renting a room at my parents house due to him not getting along with his parents and kinda got kicked out. He was only suppose to stay temporarily until he find a place but it’s been 4 months now. When he first moved in, I told him that he could store some stuff in the garage if there not enough space in the bed room.

Current situation:
So he really wanted to buy an old caravan which he can renovate as a hobby. I told him that he can buy one if he can store it at his parents house not at my house. He said yes should be fine, went out and bought the caravan with his dad and then somehow it ended up in my garage. I asked him to move it to his parents, but he said they don’t want it at their place. He then go on to argued with me saying that I said he could store stuff in the garage now I’m going back on my words. I told him yeah he could but not a huge caravan. My parents wasn’t happy about it and I’m stuck in the middle. He said I never take his side and everything he do is wrong, that he can’t even have a hobby. Then I saw a msg his mum send him which said “if she love you, she should of just tell her parents that it’s her caravan”.

I’m really upset, my bf now mad at me for not being on his side, his parents think I don’t love their son enough, and my parents are upset that the garage is now crowded and dirty with no room to walk in. They think his an idiot for buying a caravan and that I should of told him off. I don’t know what I did wrong, I told him from the start it can’t be store here, now I’m the bad person in everyone eyes. We’ve been arguing so much lately, I feel like the relationship is falling apart. His hurt cause I’m not on his side or support him and I’m hurt cause he can’t see how all this is affecting me emotionally.

You poor love. You've right (UNINTENTIONALLY!) got yerself in the middle of it.

The caravan at yours is a double ploy. Quite cunning really. I'll show you how.

Hes fallen out with his folks. So he manipulates the situation so he stores the van at yours. Roughshodding over your own boundary. Red Flag.

But why? Why the van at all?

The van isnt a hobby. It's a bolt hole. His parents saw through this. That's why it's at yours.

Now, he can withdraw from you/your folks at an instant. Most people dont have a towing bar on their car. So, it's now a hassle to get it removed.

More importantly he has now created angst and division in two families whilst simultaneously having his bolt hole. On your parents drive!!

He is now drawing narc supply. Fuel. You know, normal people dont do this kind of schtick without express permission. Now he has two lines going.

His mum is a right piece of work. Manipulative.

Bin him. Tell him he removes the can in a week or you will get others to do it.

Where are you roughly? I'm sure I can get it removed for you? If we are relatively local.

Usually the threat will get his useless Dad to remove it.

Apologies. Damn you AC!

Get the idiot on the road. With his van and lock the doors

Please don’t fall for this. Think about it.

His mum is saying if you loved him enough, you’d put up with the caravan. But she’s the one who won’t even let him live at her house! So who doesn’t love him “enough”? She’s just being manipulative, and if he falls for that, then he has a lot of growing up to do.

... But I think that’s the problem, isn’t it? He has a lot of growing up to do. He doesn’t seem to listen to anybody. He was supposed to be at your house for a short period; it’s been four months. He was allowed to store some things in the garage; now he’s put a CARAVAN in there (and no one would believe this is okay - storing a few things in a garage does not mean it’s okay to take up a whole garage).

He sounds like a very young teenager that doesn’t know how to share or compromise. Your relationship may be falling apart, but unfortunately, I don’t think there’s much you can do about that, because you loving him can’t force him to grow up and be a considerate adult.

You and your parents were kind enough to give him a place to stay when his parents kicked him out, but it sounds like it’s time for him to move on and he can take his caravan with him. And if his mother wants to “prove” her love, she can take him back.

You are right and he is wrong OP, you told him no from the outset and he ignored you, don't let him convince you any of this is your fault. The way he's trampling your boundaries is worrying and you really have no option here but to double down and make him remove the caravan. If you don't he has a green light to ignore any and all of your boundaries going forward.

So you need to refuse to take the blame he's trying to shift onto you, call him out on the 'you said I could store stuff' by reminding him you expressly said no to the caravan and point out that he's wilfully misinterpreting you kindly allowing him to store 'stuff', no one with half a brain would take that to include a whacking great caravan (WHICH YOU EXPRESSLY SAID NO TO) and he is trying to gaslight you by claiming you agreed.

Then give him a date to have it moved by and tell him you will have a scrap man collect it if he doesn't. Any arguments from him and you just repeat that you told him no to the caravan in the first place, everything after that is entirely on him. Tbh I would probably follow it up with 'and if you don't like it then you can go as well' just to make it 100% clear that you won't be walked all over but that bit is up to you

In all seriousness though I do think you should see this as a red flag, he shouldn't be taking advantage of you or your parents kindness and he certainly shouldn't be pushing your boundaries or gaslighting you about what you agreed to. He's starting to show you who he really is and you should definitely listen

Well. I've just said all this....

Stop being such a fucking mug for a man-child who doesn't give a shit about you or your family. Tell him he has THREE DAYS to get that piece of shit off your parent's property or it gets hauled away, and while he's making arrangements, he can pack his shit and get out of the house. Stop being such a daft doormat.

@Aquamarine1029

Yup. Whilst your advice is a bit sound. Do you really need to deliver it in such an unsympathetic way? Asking for a friend.

@75Renarde thank you for your offer to move the van. I had another argument with him, his finally agree to move it once he rent a garage. I’m just so upset that he think I’m not a good gf because I’m not supportive. I’m also very upset at his mum.

@RightYesButNo I agree with what you said and during one of our fight I did say, if his parents love him enough they wouldn’t kick him out of the house like that or if they care, they would of let him store the van at their place especially if they can see that its causing problem in our relationship.

He can be very immature at time, we fight a lot as well, just feel like he doesn’t understand me. I try to tell him to move out once or twice now during our fights, but I know he can’t afford to since his only working as a trainee and not earning much.

Well now he has a caravan to live in, he doesn't need to stay at yours any more does he? And inside his caravan, he can store all the other stuff he's left in your garage.
Send him a link to a list of caravan sites and tell him to get to fuck.

No worries OP.

BTW, his offer to move it is a future fake.

He will not move the van of his own volition unless absolutly forced.

Be aware on this.

I bet you're upset at his mum. Shes propping him up. And disrespecting you and your parents boundary conditions to boot

End it OP. Hes a liar and his mum is a genuine piece of work.

I am helping him search for place to store the caravan, just so he doesn’t slack off or think that he got away with having to move it. I will keep pushing for it to be move.

It’s an old van so he can’t really live in it, so he will still be living at my parents place. I just wish he would initiate to help out around the house more, like he would mow the lawn if ask but unless ask he wouldn’t do anything else. His room gotten really disgusting, like empty drinks bottles, rubbish on the floor, clothes pile up, it just messy and embarrassing especially when my mum see it and ask me to tell him to tidy up. Then we got into another argument with him saying it’s his room, he can do whatever he want. I know it’s his room but I just want him to at least try to impress my parents, I don’t think that’s too much to ask right?

@75Renarde

I couldn't care less who your "friend" is. The op doesn't need mollycoddling, she needs a wake-up call because this entire situation is pure absurdity.

Op, it's time to see reality. This idiot is a disgrace of a "man."

Well I guess you are finding out why his own mother threw him out : he is a lazy, manipulative, disrespectful person.

You are so young. Why are you settling for someone who treats you like this?

Give him a deadline to move the caravan or you'll list it for sale. You told him he couldn't store it there, and he did it anyway, so he brought it on himself.

Then give him a deadline to move out. It is not your problem that he is a low earner and can't afford to rent a place; it is entirely his own fault that he is incapable of being a considerate and welcome lodger in your home.

So when he whines about how unfair you're being, remember and remind him that he alone is responsible for the situation he is about to find himself in.

Honestly, do you really want a lifetime of this sulky, idle whinyarse?

You are very correct. How monumentally disrespectful to both your parents and yourself.

That's appalling. Truly.

How old is he? 24?

Get him out. Tomorrow. This will only escalate.

So sorry OP. You are young enough to toss this one in the fuck it bucket.

Do it now. Before it's too late.

Hes not brought up getting engaged has he?

Your parents are living saints

Op, I can't comprehend why you are allowing him to treat your parents with such gross disrespect. I have 2 children who are young adults, and if they ever let their boy/girlfriend treat me and my home this way I would be devastated.

Ahh @Aqua

As I thought. You're rafe at being caught out on your unempathic behaviour has led to a singular loss of your 'humour' circuit.

Standard.l with people like you.

@Aqua. OP needs guidance. Not cruelty. Understanding. Shes young and has been utterly caught in the middle.

Not humour now.

Wind your neck in. Not needed. Your aggression that is.

Thank you everyone for your advice, it’s helping me a lot in dealing with this situation. I told him that he need to also find a place and move out because it is not working him living here. It causing so much arguments and I feel upset all the time. He said his older sister is looking for a place to rent so he will be able to move in with her. He is 20 years old.

My parents been great to him, they don’t want to kick him out unless he have a place to go. I wish he would show more appreciation.

He did bring up proposing and marriage, but I told him it’s too soon don’t try and propose to me. At least wait till you’re at stable. We’re both each other first serious relationship, so it’s really hard for me to break up with him. I do really love him though and really want to try and make it work, but I am also worry that I might be wasting my time. We were so good at the beginning though.

Thank you OP for coming back.

Yes, you are noth young. Yes you do (not necessarily him though) want to make it work.

You are utterly torn. You are both young too.

But this

"My parents been great to him, they don’t want to kick him out unless he have a place to go. I wish he would show more appreciation."

They will NOT kick him out and he will NEVER show appreciation.

The fact its got as far as this shows it.

Now is the time to say goodbye. This has all the makings of an uttely toxic situation.

For God's sake don't ever marry this scruffy user! He's playing you and your family for fools, get shot of him and set your bar higher. This is your first relationship, the next one will be better, it HAS to be! Your poor parents need to grow a backbone between them and get this disrespectful slob off their property.

Also don’t have a baby with him !!

This is cocklodging of the highest order

Why on earth would you put up with this. Call someone to come and get the van and him with it. I’ve no idea why you’re wasting your time with this loser