I really need advice, please help!!

[Midnightclouds]

Background story:
I’m (24) currently living at home with my parents. My bf (20) is currently renting a room at my parents house due to him not getting along with his parents and kinda got kicked out. He was only suppose to stay temporarily until he find a place but it’s been 4 months now. When he first moved in, I told him that he could store some stuff in the garage if there not enough space in the bed room.

Current situation:
So he really wanted to buy an old caravan which he can renovate as a hobby. I told him that he can buy one if he can store it at his parents house not at my house. He said yes should be fine, went out and bought the caravan with his dad and then somehow it ended up in my garage. I asked him to move it to his parents, but he said they don’t want it at their place. He then go on to argued with me saying that I said he could store stuff in the garage now I’m going back on my words. I told him yeah he could but not a huge caravan. My parents wasn’t happy about it and I’m stuck in the middle. He said I never take his side and everything he do is wrong, that he can’t even have a hobby. Then I saw a msg his mum send him which said “if she love you, she should of just tell her parents that it’s her caravan”.

I’m really upset, my bf now mad at me for not being on his side, his parents think I don’t love their son enough, and my parents are upset that the garage is now crowded and dirty with no room to walk in. They think his an idiot for buying a caravan and that I should of told him off. I don’t know what I did wrong, I told him from the start it can’t be store here, now I’m the bad person in everyone eyes. We’ve been arguing so much lately, I feel like the relationship is falling apart. His hurt cause I’m not on his side or support him and I’m hurt cause he can’t see how all this is affecting me emotionally.

@Deadringer yep i mean ask their permission, but I don't even want to do that because i know its not right for him to want a pet when he doesn't even have his own place.

@Hidingtonothing i agree, thats why I get so upset when I feel like his making me choose when it shouldn't be that way. Sometimes he would say stuff like "you either with me or against me".

@TimeForNewStart your comment make me feel a lot better about the relationship. I've been feeling like such a failure since the relationship is falling apart. I wish I could change the past, maybe do things differently. I know I have to accept reality as well even if it hurt.

@Bluntness100 He definitely wasn't like this at the start, he used to always make sure to clean his room if he know I was visiting, keeping his place clean and tidy. He always know what to say and I end up believing him. I do sometimes feel like I took up the role of his mother, and it is very frustrating and upsetting. I know I don't want to end up with someone like him.

@FavouriteSong My parents believe I can handle the situation, so they left it for me to sort it out. I was furious when I saw the caravan at my place, but somehow he always seem to win the argument and make me feel horrible for being mad.

@firstimemamma at first I didn't rush him to move because having him around and seeing him after work was nice. We get to spend more time together, but then at the same time he became lazy and didn't want to go out on date anymore. He used to tell me that having the caravan as a hobby is better than going out partying or clubbing like his friends are doing. He said it help him destress doing something he like.

@Bunnylady - I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but correcting someone’s grammar without being asked is really rude.

Wow, there's some really rude and outspoken people on this thread.

So basically he's cocklodging at your parents to save himself some cash instead of sorting himself out. Why did he not go and rent a flat with that money instead?

This just has disrespectful cocklodger written allover it.

Do please PLEASE look into The Freedom Programme.

Your boyfriend is an abusive man. He probably doesn't even realise this and thinks his behaviour is normal and justified. You have been manipulated to accept his behaviour and this is VERY bad for you.

It is really important that you learn what a healthy, mutually respectful relationship looks like. Start at the Freedom Programme website. There is also a book called 'Living With The Dominator'. And they run regional workshops.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

@Closetbeanmunchere He. recently started his traineeship, his not getting pay much for it so couldn’t afford to rent a place to himself. I wanted to be supportive and help him out until he could manage in his own. I love the idea of being able to see him every night and able to chat about stuff. I just don’t get why stop going out on dates just because we see each other everyday. It’s always me who have to plan a dates or ask him if he want to do this and that, always end up being the planner. I just want him to take the initiative. When I bring up the issue he said we will go out don’t worry, that he just really tired a lot of the time. So I just keep waiting around for when he actually plan something and it very frustrating.

@Sicario I think you’re right about him thinking his behaviour is normal. He always make me feel so guilty about expressing how I feel. Every time I talk to him about our problems he think that it’s just me who making a big deal and that I overthink and causing trouble in the relationship.

This has little to do with the caravan specifically (or the messy room or all the other disrespectful things he is doing to you and your parents), and a lot to do with the relationship having run it’s course now and you now needing to extract yourself from it and him.

Ask your parents for their support to move him out if he doesn’t leave after the week you’ve given him. Box up his stuff if he doesn’t do it. Change the locks once the week has passed. Set your boundary and don’t let him talk you off it under any circumstances whatsoever.

If his parents are being critical of you then they can invite him back home. Or not. It’s not your problem.

You need to be fair, firm and strong now. Enough is enough.

The thought of marrying him haven't cross my mind for a while now and he haven't really brought up marriage or proposal either. I think we're both unsure about each other at this stage, since he feel like i'm not on his side and he would go and complain to his parents about our fights.

I think we're not compatible, maybe cause of the age gap. I just really wish we don't fight over stupid stuff. He was really sweet and caring at the beginning of the relationship. I think he still care about me and he does love me because he said he want to grow old with me and take care of me. He told me I need to relax more, try and stay calm and stop overthinking. It sounds like he care a lot and just looking out for me, wanting me to be happy. But somehow his actions doesn't match it, from my perspective anyway.

I'm just really confuse, sorry.

@whywhywhy6 It does sounds like we're hitting a dead end with our relationship. I still have so much feelings for him though, amount all the anger, there still so much love. I know my parents will support me with moving him out if I ask, at the end of the day, they only allow him there because his my bf and they want to help me, help him.

I'm just really scare if I push him that far, boxing up this stuff and kicking him out. He will be gone forever and I will never be able to see him again. I don't know if I'm strong enough to end the relationship like that, the thoughts of never being with him again does hurt.

I know it’s painful when a relationship ends but it doesn’t mean it’s not for the best x

Apologies if I missed the relevant post, but what is the age gap between you?

@whywhywhy6 I know where you're coming from. thank you

@Binting 4 years age gap, I'm 24 and his 20, we've been together for 2 years now.

You are not incompatible because of the age gap. You are incompatible because he is a shit example
Of a person: Selfish, manipulative, argumentative, belittling if your feelings.

It takes a couple of years to know someone, and some people are good at hiding their true selves for much longer. The man you met initially was him making an effort to hide his true self. This is him. And he is awful.

Dump him and dont look back. And never accept this again.

Your other thread shows just what a joke of a 'man' he is, and that you don't actually have any real kind of relationship with him at all.

Get rid of him.

After reading both your posts about your waste of space boyfriend I think leave him! He doesn’t sound very nice or that he respects you

So today i tried to breaking up with him, saying how I feel that our relationship is slowly going down hill, we're not getting along anymore, I feel that he make no effort and I don't want to keep feeling hurt and upset. I think it is best we go our separate ways.

He got really sad, even tearing up. He said he was sorry that he haven't been a good bf, he know that his been a bit lazy lately and he promise that he will improve. He told me that he want to get a good job so he could take care of me and spoil me because I deserve the best. He feel I expect too much from him and it putting a massive pressure on him which causing him withdraw back. He want to us to work on our relationship and not throw everything away. He told me that I need to stop putting too much pressure on this relationship and that he is trying his best, I should give us another chance. That he love me so much, and can't see a future without me.

I busted out crying, I feel so sad and guilty. Maybe asking him to go out on a date once a week is too much, we see each other everyday so maybe I shouldn't get so mad about it. When he tell me he'll call me back and doesn't I get really upset, if it happen a few times fine i'll let it go, he was distracted, tired or just forgetful, but when it happened all the time, it make me feel unimportant, and I end up arguing with him about it. Maybe me getting upset over stuff like that is putting pressure on our relationship.

We ended up hugging and decided to give this relationship another chance. I just couldn't do it when i see how sad he is. I'm not a perfect gf either so I do'n't know if I have the right to just end it without letting him proof himself. I know everyone is telling me to break up with him, but it is so hard when his in front of me and saying all this. I don't know if I did the right thing.

Well good luck spending a few more wasted years feeling unimportant and having your calls answered and your perfectly reasonable request to date once every week ignored.

You say that you are not perfect either, but you're not asking him to be perfect are you? You're asking for a bare minimum level of respect, attention and consideration.

Do you really think he's going to change into the man you want him to be? Permanently, forever?

Of course he cried. He doesn't want to lose a gf and another home. And he wanted to manipulate you into thinking it's your fault for 'putting pressure on him'. I do hope you told him you'd see how you feel in two weeks or a month at most?

You’re update makes me feel really sad for you, you sound like you have such low self esteem that you are willing to accept a relationship that is not making you happy and you sound like his solution was for you to lower your standards so you’re not disappointed rather than him stepping up. I really hope you see the light soon before you waste too much more time on him but good luck I hope you find what you’re looking for.

I also feel sad at your last post. I'm middle aged now but i wish you knew that you are at such a great age in your life; so many great possibilities. It sounds like you're settling. Dont do it!
I bet your parents will be quite relieved to see the back of him. Why don't you speak to them? They can help x

He's s wanker.

You can and will do better.

You know he'd have a puppy peeing and shitting all over the room your parents (too) kindly let him stay in - for a short period that's he's already outstayed ; if he had his way. As well as the mess he leaves in it, as well as the old caravan he's put on their property without their/your agreement.

He's a disaster area.

He's selfish, headstrong and a guilter & manipulater. From what his mum said you can see where he inherited that from.

It's obvious why they chucked him out too.

Part of it is that he's just too young and immature, part of it is his character though and that is v unlikely to change.

He's taking the absolute piss out of you and your parents.

Gobsmacked at this thread.
He is one clever cheeky dicker isn't he? Lazy, manipulative and you can see where he got it from (well done Mum).
Don't let him be all these things at your expense.
And how the fuck do you get a caravan into a garage?