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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I really need advice, please help!!

88 replies

Midnightclouds · 15/10/2019 02:41

Background story:
I’m (24) currently living at home with my parents. My bf (20) is currently renting a room at my parents house due to him not getting along with his parents and kinda got kicked out. He was only suppose to stay temporarily until he find a place but it’s been 4 months now. When he first moved in, I told him that he could store some stuff in the garage if there not enough space in the bed room.

Current situation:
So he really wanted to buy an old caravan which he can renovate as a hobby. I told him that he can buy one if he can store it at his parents house not at my house. He said yes should be fine, went out and bought the caravan with his dad and then somehow it ended up in my garage. I asked him to move it to his parents, but he said they don’t want it at their place. He then go on to argued with me saying that I said he could store stuff in the garage now I’m going back on my words. I told him yeah he could but not a huge caravan. My parents wasn’t happy about it and I’m stuck in the middle. He said I never take his side and everything he do is wrong, that he can’t even have a hobby. Then I saw a msg his mum send him which said “if she love you, she should of just tell her parents that it’s her caravan”.

I’m really upset, my bf now mad at me for not being on his side, his parents think I don’t love their son enough, and my parents are upset that the garage is now crowded and dirty with no room to walk in. They think his an idiot for buying a caravan and that I should of told him off. I don’t know what I did wrong, I told him from the start it can’t be store here, now I’m the bad person in everyone eyes. We’ve been arguing so much lately, I feel like the relationship is falling apart. His hurt cause I’m not on his side or support him and I’m hurt cause he can’t see how all this is affecting me emotionally.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 15/10/2019 07:49

It sounds like you and your parents are very kind people and he's easily been able to take advantage of that.

Break up with him and give him a date to be out of your house by. He's hugely disrespectful and this is totally unacceptable behaviour

Original poster

Midnightclouds · 15/10/2019 08:15

I know he hasn’t been great, but I’m finding it so hard to throw away the relationship. He was a sweet, caring and considerate guy before The van incident, I feel like the tension of living with a parent is causing him to be a bit out of it. I was hoping that once he moved out we can go back to how we were, no more arguments and just happy.

We’ve been together for 2 years now, we had disagreements during that time, but always end up solving it. I just miss the guy I felt in love with and want things to be back to normal. I know I must be sounding really stupid right now for not kicking him far away.

OP posts:

Rainbowshine · 15/10/2019 08:26

The guy you fell in love with was never real, it was an act he put on to hook you in. That guy will only appear when he needs to hook you in again because you have got to the end of your tolerance for the real him. And so the circle will go round and round...

Look up some of the information on the sticky posts about abusive behaviour on this board. You’ll recognise this man in the descriptions, I’ll bet.

milliefiori · 15/10/2019 08:30

Ew. I think a filthy old caravan that he'll probably never get round to renovating, blocking up all the useable space in your parents' garage causing tension between you and them when it's all his responsibility tells you all you need to know. If you get rid of him and all his shit you will feel an enormous weight off your back and you;ll be able to enjoy life again.
Wher ein all this is anyone thinking about your feelings and your needs?

Original poster

Midnightclouds · 15/10/2019 08:52

@Rainbowshine I think that is what I’m worry about, that the person in front of me now is the real him and everything before that was just an act. It just so hard to accept, and forget all the good memories we shared. I’ll try my best to let go, but I don’t see myself succeeding 🙁

@milliefiori everytime I try to explain to him why the van is a causing a problem he just doesn’t get it, he just say that I gave him half the space so he can store whatever he like and that I shouldn’t go back on my words. When I told him that I feel stuck in the middle and it’s upsetting me, he apologised and said that he doesn’t want to upset me but I have to see it from his point of view, and be more supportive. He said the caravan is for us once he finish renovating it, but I don’t seem to see it that way and it upset him.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 15/10/2019 08:59

He's taking the piss
Does he pay your parents rent?
Leaving his room in a mess is really rude

Hidingtonothing · 15/10/2019 09:29

I think the way a partner treats your parents can be very revealing, one of the reasons I fell for my DH was how respectful he was of my DM. Your BF should, even at 2 years in, be trying to make a good impression on the people who are important in your life, even more so when they are providing a roof over his head.

So what does it say about him that he is overstepping the line (by some considerable distance) with the caravan and isn't even keeping the room they've kindly provided clean and tidy? If he can't show your parents some basic gratitude and respect then what does that say about his feelings for you, and the way he treats people overall?

I would be mortified in your shoes and my parents would (rightly) be asking why on earth BF thinks it's ok to take advantage of them like this, because it really isn't ok. He should be mortified too and I do think it's a big red flag that he isn't, he's more worried that you're not 'siding' with him, even when he's clearly in the wrong

AmIThough · 15/10/2019 09:35

Your boyfriend is living in your parents house and treats them like shit. For me, that's enough of a reason to end the relationship.

Sicario · 15/10/2019 09:47

Holy shit, girl. I think you've been sold a real kipper here. He's a dickhead. Get rid. This is NOT a "relationship" as you call it. He's a big fat baby who is incapable of standing on his own two feet and is sponging off your parents.

For goodness sake have some respect for yourself and move on.

HeavenlyEyes · 15/10/2019 10:27

why do you think this is all you deserve? Your bar is set so low you will tolerate anything to keep him?

Please FGS get rid then look at why you are prepared to tolerate such an awful relationship

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/10/2019 11:12

Oh dear lord, he sounds like a joke crap boyfriend.

Kicked out by his parents, moves into yours, his room is a tip, he doesn't help out, moves a flipping caravan into your garage after you asked him not to, and turns it all back on you whenever you try and bring it up?

Do yourself a favour, tell him to move out and finish with him. This is not a healthy relationship.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/10/2019 11:13

I have to see it from his point of view, and be more supportive

Dear God. Please don't fall for that rubbish. You've been nothing BUT supportive. He's a loser, he's taking the piss and he needs to go.

Interestedwoman · 15/10/2019 11:15

You are perfectly right about the van. Your parents let him move in as a favour. He is taking the piss, and if he can't see that moving a whole van into someone's garage is taking the piss, there's something wrong with him.

It doesn't bode well because sooner or later, if your relationship goes on, there will be some other issues where he can't see how it is appropriate to behave, and his dysfunctional family will reinforce his beliefs that his inappropriate behaviour is fine.

You sound a very reasonable and considerate person, and I hope you find another reasonable person to date tbh.

Hugs xxx

P.s. Couldn't he declare himself homeless? Then the council might give him some help to find a room etc?

Deadringer · 15/10/2019 11:24

You shouldn't be stuck in the middle, or on his side, but firmly on the side of your parents who have been very kind to let your boyfriend move in. I have grown up DC, and none of them will ever have a live in dp, when they are ready to live with someone they will move out. I would lose my shit if an old wreck of a caravan was stuffed into my garage. Your boyfriend is a selfish cocklodger, he has a bloody cheek whining that he can't have a hobby, he needs to get a proper job, get his own home and then get a hobby. He will want a pet next. Tell him to sling his hook, and mean it!

Original poster

Midnightclouds · 15/10/2019 13:12

Thank you everyone for your views and perspectives on the situation. I guess I was a bit blind by my feelings toward him and didn't really see what a horrible and manipulative person he is. He constantly make me feel guilty for not supporting him and when we fight he make it out like I'm always causing trouble. He said i'm such a negative person and I need to lighten up.

I told him he have to move out in the next week or so, when he sister rent a place. I will keep my distance with him for now and will break up once he move out. Right now, if I was to break up with him I know I won't be strong enough if I have to see him everyday. I will end up taking him back and won't be able to do it again. He can be the sweetest guy when he want to be and its hard to push him away.

I don't think he thought about declaring homeless, but at least now he got a place line up to move in, just have to waiting for his sister.

OP posts:

Original poster

Midnightclouds · 15/10/2019 13:17

@Deadringer I tend to lean more toward my family side, I think that's why he feel like I never support him and that I always put my family first. Its funny now you mention pet, he did bring up wanting to get a puppy the other week. I told him wait till he get his own place since puppy require a lot of attention and training. I also don't want to explain to my parents why his getting a pet. He agreed so at least we didn't need to argue about that.

OP posts:

Deadringer · 15/10/2019 13:21

I also don't want to explain to my parents why he is getting a pet you mean ask their permission I assume, seeing as it's their house? Jesus wept he is a cocklodger And a cheeky fucker

Hidingtonothing · 15/10/2019 13:25

I'm very close to my family, as is DH with his, but that's not something which puts us on opposing sides, we support each other and compromise when necessary. So another huge red flag that your BF seems to think it's 'him or them'.

Sounds like you have your head screwed on anyway, good plan for splitting when he's moved out, just make sure he actually does move out. Prepare yourself for his sisters place falling through in some way and have a contingency plan in mind to make sure he goes anyway. Well done for seeing through his behaviour, we'll be here if you have any more problems

TimeForNewStart · 15/10/2019 13:25

It is perfectly normal to have a great time when you first start going out with someone, and then for the relationship to deteriorate after a while. That doesn't mean it was a failiure, or that you shouldn't have gone out with them in the first place, or even that they were pretending to be someone other than they actually are.

It just means it has run its course and its time to move on.

Bluntness100 · 15/10/2019 13:29

Jesus, op, what's wrong with him? He's like a dirty lazy teenager. Yet he's skilled enough to gaslight you and manipulate you. He's lying to your face. He knows you told him he couldn't store the caravan there, and as for getting a pet, words fail me.

Seriously kick him to the kerb, you're being forced to act like his mother. And how disrespectful to your parents to treat their home that way.

Is this really the kind of piece of shit you want to end up with? Because your life will be hell.

FavouriteSong · 15/10/2019 13:35

Dump him and do it now. Get shot of him, his possessions and his broken down caravan. He's using you and using your parents. I wonder why your parents haven't kicked off at him before now? If my DD's boyfriend moved in, then took over the garage, then bought a shitty caravan and moved that in, I would be reading him the riot act and hiring a skip to dump all of his stuff in, and asking a breaker's yard to come and collect the caravan.

WellGoshDarnIt · 15/10/2019 13:47

A puppy???? FFS, poor thing! Does he even have a job to pay for all the stuff a puppy will need? And if he does have a job, who does he think is going to take care of the puppy while he works? Don't tell me - he's one of those awful people who's going to lock it in a crate for hours and then piss and moan about having to clear up its shit.
Words fail me - OP you need to get rid of this loser and start to set your relationship bar way higher. He's a muppet.

Bunnylady53 · 15/10/2019 13:51

Sorry but it’s “ should have” not “ should of”. I tried really hard not to post that but it drives me mad!

AmIThough · 15/10/2019 13:56

@Bunnylady53 if you want to go grammar nazi on the OP it may take you some time.

I assumed English wasn't her first language but it's irrelevant and it's fairly easy to understand the points she's making.

firstimemamma · 15/10/2019 14:02

LTB

He's meant to be living at yours temporarily while he sorts himself out. If he thinks there's time to bowl along with hobbies then he's clearly in no rush is he? He's taking the piss.

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