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Original poster

Husband going to the cinema with female colleague

107 replies

notacoolmom · 13/10/2019 19:56

My husband decided once he got to work today that he was going to go to the cinema alone with a female colleague when he finished. We've been having a hard time recently and I was under the impression he'd want to spend the evening with me. This girl is constantly messaging him, I have been introduced to her/said hello to her several times at his work and she has flat out ignored me. I'm not convinced he has other intentions, but I think she might. I have told him I don't like her repeatedly but also reinforced the fact that I want him to make the decisions on what he does with his life whilst taking my feelings into account. I also looked up how long the movie lasts and it should have finished half an hour ago but he's claiming it's still on so I dunno.

I'm really not comfy with this and he thinks I'm being unreasonable. I will never 'forbid' him from doing anything I just wanted him to make the right decision. Sorry needed to vent

OP posts:

Greyhound22 · 14/10/2019 04:07

I'm fairly easy going but this would upset me - he's basically taking her on a date.

My DH has never given me reason to be worried but I would be a bit shocked by this - he would go to the cinema with mates or his sisters or whatever but not a random woman from work.

We have a joint male friend we are both close to and I would go with him as he's like a brother and DH wouldn't bat an eyelid but I wouldn't 'go out' with a man from work - lunch/dinner yes if we were away for work.

ukgift2016 · 14/10/2019 08:07

So he went on an date? How nice of you to accommodate that.

SneakyBeakyLike · 14/10/2019 08:19

I think it'd even be different if he'd said the night before 'oh I'm going to watch x with Julie tomorrow' but he's intentionally gone to work then told you once he's there so you can't properly discuss your feelings.
It's just disrespectful.

myolivetree · 14/10/2019 08:30

God. This isn't about OP not allowing her OH to have female friends!

That is what her OH will say to her!

Greenkit · 14/10/2019 09:39

Any update OP?

Lozzerbmc · 14/10/2019 09:50

This isnt ok as she is messaging him and there is an attraction there. If it was an old friend then it would be different. The fact that you feel umcomfortable shows you know he is up to no good. Why didnt he ask you to go as well if all above board?

hellsbellsmelons · 14/10/2019 09:52

I'm really not comfy with this and he thinks I'm being unreasonable
Of course he does.
He is quite clearly dating this woman. He is openly showing you that your feeling don't matter. His ego needs a stroke and you should just accept it!
So just accept it.
Or....... Tell him to fuck off.
Jeez, the shit women put up with is absolutely beyond me sometimes.

DBML · 14/10/2019 15:50

Intended in a curiosity way rather than confrontational: to the women saying that it’s wrong that husbands ‘aren't allowed’ to have female friends who they go to the cinema with etc...

Could this be a generational gap? I mean, I wouldn’t dream of going somewhere like the cinema with a man other than my husband. When I was young, going to the cinema was a special date. It was always romantic no matter what we watched and there would always be a bit of kissing in the back row. I rarely went with female friends and there was a marked difference between going with 5 girls or going with 1 boy.

I’m trying to establish why the POV on this thread are so polar.

If my husband said he was going to the cinema with another woman, I’d be shocked and to me it would be a date. I asked my husband and his response was ‘of course it’s a date’...and yet some people here are clearly fine with it and partake in such activities with male friends.

I don’t see myself as ‘controlling’ of DH either. It’s not that I wouldn’t let him go to the cinema with another woman, it’s that it would just never have crossed our minds as to this being OK.

Just wondering?

Drabarni · 14/10/2019 15:53

Your husband is dating and he expects you to suck it up?
Pack him a bag and tell him to come back if and when he's happy to be monogamous.

ExcitedForFuture · 14/10/2019 15:53

No way would I be happy with this. Did you find out any more OP?

AmIThough · 14/10/2019 15:54

DBML it's not a generational thing but I'm not sure what it is. I'm 24 and there's no way I'd be happy with DP going to the cinema with one female colleague.

He's been out for lunch and drinks with women before and that's fine, but I think the cinema is quite different. If he was going with a mixture of men and women I'd be fine with that too.

Faultymain5 · 14/10/2019 16:28

I don't think it's generational either, I'm in my forties, and can hang out with whomever I want to, doing whatever I want, I would only think it was wrong if there was an attraction. It's intention that's important more than anything. But then cinema has never really been about dating for me.

I don't think this man is out on a date, he's out to upset his other half. To show her who is in charge. It's a power play.

DettolObsessed · 14/10/2019 16:36

Not fucking acceptable! I'm surprised he had the balls to even tell you about it. It sounds like your marriage seriously needs evaluating.

Poignet · 14/10/2019 16:39

Well, I'm 47, and the idea of cinema being a 'special date' that involved snogging in the back row is completely alien to me. Obviously, it could be romantic and involve kissing in the back row, just as going out for dinner with someone could also involve hand-holding and footsie with the panna cotta. But it could just as easily involve you and a friend of either sex weepily transfixed by A Matter of Life and Death or watching Isabelle Huppert terrorise people in some new French thriller, just as you might go for dinner with a friend of either sex and spend the whole time complaining about Boris Johnson and swapping tales of the strange developmental stage your offspring are currently at.

Cinema could be a date situation, just as going out for dinner could be a date, but there's nothing about seeing a film or meeting for dinner that necessarily makes it a date.

DH and DS are both away at the moment, so I'm seeing a male friend for an early dinner tonight before going to see Judy with a female friend. Neither is a date.

DBML · 14/10/2019 16:42

Thanks @AmIThough

I haven’t a clue either then. If my husband wants to go and watch a film at the cinema, he takes me. We get dressed up slightly nicer than usual and go for a meal before or after.
I’d be furious if he did that with another woman.
Next I’ll be learning that it’s absolutely fine for men/women friends to hold hands when out and about 🤷‍♀️

DBML · 14/10/2019 16:45

@Poignet

Hmm, food for though. It’s funny because you compared going to the cinema as being no different than going for dinner...but I’d be equally put out of DH came home and said he was taking another woman for dinner.
I just think that they are the types of things couples do. Not saying I’m right of course. But both DH and I think this way, even though we’ve never really actually thought about it before. It’s more of an unbuild expectation. Strange.

DBML · 14/10/2019 16:46

Inbuilt not unbuilt! Auto correct.

Faultymain5 · 14/10/2019 17:11

taking another woman for dinner

DH doesn't take me out for dinner. We go to dinner together.

When he goes out with female friends they go to dinner together. Sometimes if it's a birthday he may even pay for their dinner, sometimes we both go, or sometimes we don't both go.

Sometimes he tells me, sometimes I find out from the family diary.

NameChangeNugget · 14/10/2019 17:53

Totally agree with @Poignet

DBML · 14/10/2019 17:55

DH doesn't take me out for dinner. We go to dinner together.

Ah! I get it now. It’s down to attitudes towards men and our roles in society.

See for me, my husband definitely takes me out for dinner. I like him to spoil me and of course pay. I’m not really feminist at all.

Therefore I guess I see this problem as the man ‘taking’ the woman to the cinema rather than them going together.

Op, perhaps it is OK. I hope you’ve managed to talk it out! But for me this would still be a no-no.

MrsGrindah · 14/10/2019 17:59

DBMLId run for cover if I were you....

DBML · 14/10/2019 18:11

@mrsgrindah

Why?

MrsGrindah · 14/10/2019 18:29

See for me, my husband definitely takes me out for dinner. I like him to spoil me and of course pay. I’m not really feminist at all.

Therefore I guess I see this problem as the man ‘taking’ the woman to the cinema rather than them going together.

I just think your thinking is a little outdated shall we say? Although you seem to have got away with it !

Mitsouko67 · 14/10/2019 18:38

Not ok.
Forget ringing the cinema.
Ring a solicitor to make an appt to find out where you stand.
Stand back from situation in so far as possible while you gather information/supports.
Good luck.
You deserve better.

DBML · 14/10/2019 18:41

@MrsGrindah

Perhaps. That’s what confused me about this thread. Some women saying “no way” and others saying “no problem”. I thought it was age, but it’s more likely outlook.

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