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Original poster

Husband going to the cinema with female colleague

107 replies

notacoolmom · 13/10/2019 19:56

My husband decided once he got to work today that he was going to go to the cinema alone with a female colleague when he finished. We've been having a hard time recently and I was under the impression he'd want to spend the evening with me. This girl is constantly messaging him, I have been introduced to her/said hello to her several times at his work and she has flat out ignored me. I'm not convinced he has other intentions, but I think she might. I have told him I don't like her repeatedly but also reinforced the fact that I want him to make the decisions on what he does with his life whilst taking my feelings into account. I also looked up how long the movie lasts and it should have finished half an hour ago but he's claiming it's still on so I dunno.

I'm really not comfy with this and he thinks I'm being unreasonable. I will never 'forbid' him from doing anything I just wanted him to make the right decision. Sorry needed to vent

OP posts:
Poignet · 13/10/2019 22:37

Oh my god, people have the wildest ideas about cinemas being all dark and intimate. Do none of you ever go to the cinema just to watch the film?

Greenkit · 13/10/2019 22:37

IS he back?

What did he say?

Faultymain5 · 13/10/2019 22:38

It's funny how eating one on one is okay, but going to the cinema not? Really strange. My first date with my DH was in a restaurent. Not the cinema.

However, in this intance, he's taking the mick. Think about what you want to happen. I'd be tempted to pack his bags like someone above said, given the problems you mention. As he clearly is not taking your worries and concerns seriously.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/10/2019 22:38

Oh my god, people have the wildest ideas about cinemas being all dark and intimate. Do none of you ever go to the cinema just to watch the film?

Not with my boss from work FUCK NO

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 13/10/2019 22:40

Oh come on. You don't trust him, if you did it wouldn't matter what she did. And that's fine, but own it. You've told him that you think she fancies him and that you don't like her and are not comfortable; he's done it anyway. This is not to do with her, it's to do with the pair of you....

bluecard · 13/10/2019 22:40

What movie is it?

Lana08 · 13/10/2019 22:43

Of course men and women can be friends and go to the cinema together if they want BUT the fact is this women has been rude to the OP. My DH has female friends, I have male friends but if one of my male friends was ever rude to my DH or vice versa they would no longer be friends. Respect for my partner is part of the package. That is not ok!

We can argue about the cinema being a date or not or if they are only friends etc but OP you know something is up. The fact that you have told him you are uncomfortable with this and he is still doing it. Don’t play the pick me dance while he is getting his ego boosted. Trust your instincts.

Good luck.

inwood · 13/10/2019 22:43

Yeah I wouldn't trust that. He's taken her on a date.

Wizzbangpop · 13/10/2019 22:50

It depends on the movie. If it was a soppy rom com then yanbu if it was a horror movie which you weren't fussed about seeing then yabu.

However I would be calling him out about why she is messaging a lot

MyOtherProfile · 13/10/2019 22:55

Is he back yet?

Greenleaveslaughing · 13/10/2019 23:03

Years ago, when my husband and I started living together, (unmarried) he went off to meet a female friend. I was a bit huh ?
So the next time he said he was going, I said, but Ok, but I was going too.
That was the last time he saw her
( as far as I know of course!!)

Not sure why he though it was acceptable behaviour, he didn’t want to introduce me.

Poignet · 13/10/2019 23:07

@Green, wouldn’t you find it weird and controlling if your boyfriend insisted on accompanying you when you saw a friend in case you screwed someone it’s never occurred to you to sleep with?

Mydogmylife · 13/10/2019 23:23

So, dating in plain in sight then?

DBML · 13/10/2019 23:27

I wouldn’t like it op.
DH has female friends. They message each other with memes and Pinterest funnies. My husband will read a message, laugh and insist I read it too as it’s funny. Occasionally he meets a group of work friends including women for a coffee. I’m usually dragged along if I haven’t got a good enough excuse not to go. His friends are lovely and chat to me like we’re old pals, shortening my name and making me feel part of the gang. I have never felt an ounce of jealous towards these people or felt at all threatened...and that’s the difference isn’t it? If there’s no reason to feel concerned then generally people sense that. When there’s reason to be concerned we’ll naturally feel it...at least that’s what I believe.

DBML · 13/10/2019 23:28

Trust your intuition.

VenusTiger · 13/10/2019 23:56

Hhmmm depends. If they were at it, she’d be either overly nice to you or normal, so as not to suspect anything. The fact she doesn’t like you, or has flat out ignored you is because she doesn’t like the fact that you’re his wife.
He, on the other hand, is abusing her feelings for him to get at you. He needs to grow up. He also needs to be told that he’s messing with two women’s feelings and lives here and that’s where he’ll end up alone if he carries on.
Tell him you’ve worked it out and that she will too and he’s going to end up looking like a dick, it’ll get round his work and effect his work relationships.
It’s already affecting yours, so ask him why he wants to hurt your feelings, is it because he feels unloved, unwanted? Why is he acting the way he is. Try and get to the bottom of it by talking.

MsDogLady · 14/10/2019 00:02

Your sorry excuse for a husband is on a date in plain sight. He is making a fool of you and treating you with utter contempt.

You wanted to spend the evening together, but he prioritized the woman who messages him constantly and is blatantly rude to you. When you expressed your discomfort with his taking her to the cinema, he shifted the blame by accusing you of being unreasonable.

How long are you going to tolerate his cruelty and infidelity?

myolivetree · 14/10/2019 00:54

Even if it's not a date ( though god knows what else it is? ) it's a nasty thing to do since she's been rude to you and it's probably a show of power on his part. Which of course is horrible.

Yes, we can all have friends of the opposite sex and share interests with them outside our primary relationship. But we all know this isn't what is going on here. Partly because she's been off to you for starters. Partly because you don't feel comfortable with it. Trust your instincts.

Verily1 · 14/10/2019 01:04

How bad are things that you even have to ask if this is ok?

Oakandlove · 14/10/2019 01:27

Have you kids? If you don't and he is going with her, then there is a real problem.

SummerBreezemakesmefeelfine · 14/10/2019 01:42

Many years ago my DH had planned to take our DS to see a new kids film that he wanted to watch. The idea was that I would stay at home with DD who was a baby, so we could not all go and DS really wanted to see the picture.

At the last minute DH was tired and suggested I go instead and he would look after baby DD. Whilst we waited to pay at the box office I noticed a woman DH worked with standing there on her own as if she was waiting to meet someone.

When I questioned DH about this later, he admitted that the woman fancied him and after he talked about taking DS to the cinema at wotk, he had an inkling she would turn up, hence the change of plans. The woman got the message after this.

You know what he is playing at, why not just confront this and have it out with him?

WagtailRobin · 14/10/2019 02:13

My two best friends are men (one is married, the other has a long term partner, both have kids).

I go for drinks, for dinner, for day trips etc with each of my two friends, (separately) why is that not OK? Sometimes our socialising together is very "last minute" an impromptu get together, other times it has been planned in advance.

It seems on here married men are not allowed to have female friends or if they are there's the suggestion it should only be permitted on the basis that his wife accompanies him to social occasions with his female friend, that is very controlling in my opinion and I would find it really odd if either of my friends' other halves turned up to hang out with us when I barely know them and actually I don't feel I need to know them. Any occasion I have been in the company of either woman I have been pleasant and friendly but it doesn't mean I have to try to appease them in order to be allowed to be friends with their men.

OP, the issue is your husband, not her, whether she fancies him or not isn't really a factor at this point because it takes "two to tango", it's what his intentions are that you need to guage.

dontgobaconmyheart · 14/10/2019 02:49

Yeah that's a date and he's a dick. This isn't some long standing female best pal is it Confused-Tell him you know the films finished and that you need to speak with him about this evening OP. Then tell him this is crunch time and it stops. He knows you didn't want him to go and went anyway, to spend time with her instead of you. It really isn't right OP and has nothing to do with the men and women can be friends argument.

Did he come back? Or has he spun you some bs and gaslit you over the movie end time?

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 14/10/2019 03:31

No no no OP! Just no. And although some posters are saying it's just the cinema etc, I'm sure that's the similar rhetoric your DH will come out with to justify this little escapade and you will immediately start doubting, second guessing and questioning yourself and it will 100% be gaslighting.

You will be made to feel neurotic, unhinged, untrusting, etc.

It's not ok for him to take another woman who you have expressed you do not like and has been constantly phoning him (does she not have a sense of boundaries?) to the cinema full stop, let alone while you are going through a rough patch. It's called playing with fire and he's ego is becoming inflated. He's going AWOL and is showing you huge disrespect!

You must nip this in the bud now. He's testing boundaries, and taking you for a fool and showing 0 regards for your feelings.

That said maybe you should say nothing and pack your/his bags. Don't be a doormat!

RonaldMcDonald · 14/10/2019 03:45

I’ve always had work husbands and male friends and whilst we’ve been flirty and supportive of each other it has never ever stepped into a dodgy realm.
I play sport, go to the cinema, have dinner with and have, on occasion, holidayed with male friends - there was nowt weird going on.
No amount of suspicion or anxiety will change him if he is a cheater or cheating. It is better to trust yourself and your relationship- if you eventually find otherwise make you decisions then.

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