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Original poster

He won't marry me because of his ex

93 replies

Ho0orlicks · 12/10/2019 23:43

I've been with DP 6 years, we have two children of our own and he has two girls from a previous relationship, aged 10 and 12.

His ex (mother of his first two) has never been accepting of our relationship, she is a very domineering woman and has made it difficult for everybody along the way including her DDs. An example of this would be her refusal to let their girls meet our first baby when she was born and delayed them meeting our second for a similar period of time.

As a result of her interfering with contact (regularly stopping and restarting it at her convenience by means of spiting DP) the children aren't as close as I would have hoped they'd be. I get on well with his two girls but am fairly sure their mother badmouthes me and so they feel somewhat torn and we haven't been able to truly bond the way I had hoped, despite my best efforts.

I have urged DP to pursue a formal contact arrangement to put a stop to her histrionics but he's extremely reluctant to do so. He thinks (and with good reason) that his ex will stop contact all together if she gets wind of him trying to take some control. It is worth noting that my partner has aspergers and sees things as very black and white, in his mind it is just too big a risk to take. I do realise his position sounds ridiculous and spineless to the NT's among us, but he won't be convinced otherwise (believe me I have tried)

I must state that I was vehemently not the other woman.

This brings me to my OP.

I would love nothing more than to marry DP as I'm absolutely certain he's the man I want to spend my life with. We have a wonderful relationship and he is a fantastic partner and father.

He doesn't want to get married and has said in a roundabout way that this is because of the backlash he's concerned about from the ex.

FWIW, I'm absolutely sure he loves me and it's not a question of him being "just not that into me" as he proves his love in many ways on a daily basis in how he cares for me and the children.

As lovely as he is I'm struggling to get past the fact that he allows an ex and her histrionics to complicate and dictate our relationship to this extent. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be anything in the world that can rid him of the anxiety he has about her damaging his relationship with their two girls.

Sadly, largely due to his aspergers, he's unlikely to have a change of heart because when he gets something in his mind then that's it and he won't be convinced otherwise. Wives and partners of aspergers men will understand my point on this.

Would this be a dealbreaker for you? I'm beginning to fear that it is for me. I love him very much but this is a problem that isn't going away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ho0orlicks · 12/10/2019 23:48

I have name changed for the purpose of the thread btw, I post fairly regularly both on here and AIBU

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 12/10/2019 23:52

I would find it hard to get past the resentment about that. Is there no formal / legal agreement about contact and residence between him and his ex?

BitOfFun · 12/10/2019 23:53

Can you approach it on practical grounds, e.g. financially protecting you and your children's future?

One thing I will say about dancing to an ex's tune, is that it tends to embolden them to push even more, as they realise how much clout they have.

Original poster
Ho0orlicks · 12/10/2019 23:56

No formal legally binding agreement in place for contact no. It is currently (and always has been) arranged between them, with her withdrawing as and when she feels like it then reinstating when it's convenient for her.

When this happens DP is reduced to a nervous wreck and quickly jumps when she says how high. It's very infuriating to me.

I'm told not to get involved, again because it will make things worse, but I get that it's not my place.

If I had my way (which I've been pushing for, for years) he would be down the solicitors office pursuing legal intervention.

OP posts:
TooslowTooquick · 12/10/2019 23:57

Depends if you can accept having a difficult ex in your life forever.
Sounds like she will never make things easy for you, are you prepared for that?

BumbleBeee69 · 12/10/2019 23:57

I agree OP, he has given all the power to his Ex. There is nothing left for you. Everyone is dancing to her tune because he allows it to be this way. Flowers

Original poster
Ho0orlicks · 12/10/2019 23:57

I'm finally independent and have no concerns about him trying to dodge maintenance if we did part ways as it's not in his nature. I've thought of all the logistics already even though it pains me to admit that, as it's almost accepting that there just may be no other way forward Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Ho0orlicks · 13/10/2019 00:02

Im Financially independent that was supposed to say, bloody phone

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 13/10/2019 00:02

Would he really still resist if you told him this was an issue you were willing to split over?

Original poster
Ho0orlicks · 13/10/2019 00:05

Unfortunately I don't think even an ultimatum would change his mind and part of me was scared to issue said ultimatum just incase.

OP posts:
Tillyfloss1 · 13/10/2019 00:06

What do his daughters say when their mother stops contact? Surely they will be getting to an age soon when they will resist this - unless she conspires to turn them against him? Such a difficult situation OP.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/10/2019 00:13

I feel for you OP, your entire relationship has been manipulated by his Ex. Flowers

SquintEastwood · 13/10/2019 00:14

If marriage is important to you and something that you feel you need/want then you are going to have to confront him with an ultimatum or you WILL begin to resent him as time goes by and it will cause major problems between you.

It sounds like a shit situation all round but it doesn't sound like he's ready/willing to move forward.

pikapikachu · 13/10/2019 00:15

It's a shame that he can't see going through the legal process as a way of guaranteed contact (possibly more than now)
Exes like that need the courts to tell them that they can't act like that.
Do you know anyone who's gone through the process? Some men may believe that the courts are biased towards mothers when they are more than happy to enable Dads to get a fair amount of contact.

Personally I would struggle not knowing if contact was happening or not. My kids are also happier having a regular routine. I'd imagine kids of parents who manipulate contact must feel really anxious - is it happening? When will I see Dad next? And so on.

Saying that, your h is an adult and you obviously can't make him do anything. If it was affecting my kids I wouldn't hesitate to leave. It's not fair that they live with the worry.

Original poster
Ho0orlicks · 13/10/2019 00:16

Strangely enough the girls don't mention the contact being stopped, whether they've been told not to discuss it or not I don't know.

When they do come it's very much an unspoken subject and I don't feel able to raise anything around them as it would inevitably get back to her and she'd take umbrage with that.

God knows what the mother says to them.

I've been accused of trying to play happy families by her when really all I've done is include her DD's as much as I can and treat them the same as I do my own children when they're here. I've never overstepped the mark in my opinion and there's no real reason for her to dislike me bar the fact I'm with her DC's father.

OP posts:
runoutofnamechanges · 13/10/2019 00:19

It's not right that you should have to pussyfoot around his ex but equally there are a million legal reasons why you are in a difficult position if you have DC and are not married. From a practical point of view, could you get married in secret just for the legal protection? Not even tell your children. Once the youngest is 18 in in 8 years time, you can always have a blessing or similar ceremony and celebrate with your friends and family, make it public. I appreciate that is totally wrong on so many levels but, still, it is better than staying unmarried from a legal perspective.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 13/10/2019 00:22

As harsh as it sounds, I think if you want this relationship to go more in your favour you need to make sure he's more worried about losing you/contact with your DCs than he is about the ex and her shenanigans. Personally, I couldn't manipulate someone by forcing them to choose between seeing my kids or their other kids, and at the same time I couldn't let some random woman dictate my entire family's life, so at this point I'd just bow out, draw a line, be nice for the sake of the kids but ultimately move on and keep looking for someone who felt able to exchange vows. Because this will never end. Ever. When the kids are 18 or 38 she'll still have a hold over him for one reason or another.

PicsInRed · 13/10/2019 00:22

If he's a black and white kinda guy, I'd take what he's telling you about the ex with a big pinch of salt. Sounds like she's been painted "black" and nothing she will ever do will be ok.

It sounds like you are desperately trying to make this her "fault", when she's just the ex and he's your partner.

The problem is him.

Original poster
Ho0orlicks · 13/10/2019 00:23

I actually do know somebody who was having somewhat similar problems with an ex wife and took it to court, he actually ended up with full residency (but DP wouldn't even be looking for that, he would never try to alienate the mother however badly she behaves)

I tried to put him in touch with said person for advice and reassurance and he wasn't receptive. Whenever I try to broach the subject of solicitors or court he clams up and says don't worry about it on his behalf as it's his problem to sort - but he never does.

I've done so much of my own research and tried endlessly to reassure him that what he's worried about wouldn't happen or be tolerated if he took it to court and doing so would pretty much abolish her ability to carry it on.

A neurotypical man would realise that but not DP, instead of seeing court as the answer to his problems he sees it as something that would make things worse (because it would make her angry)

So frustrating

OP posts:
Halo1234 · 13/10/2019 00:28

If u love each other and are committed to each other as it sounds like u are. Is that not as good as married. He committed to making u the mother of his children and u dont doubt his love and loyalty to u. That would be enough for me. I wouldnt walk away from a happy relationship over it. U already live as man and wife so what would marriage bring that u dont have already? His ex sounds hardwork and I can see why it worries him. It's not right u should be able to do what u want as a couple. But it is what it is. His youngest will be 18 in 8 years I would hold off til then. But respect his wishes now. Dont let her (ex) split u up over her potential tantrum if u get married. That means she has won imo. He loves u. U love him. He treats u well. U treat him well. That's enough imo.

SquintEastwood · 13/10/2019 00:31

OP, with all due respect. You need to stop assuming his attitude is all down to Asperger's.

Yes, it may affect his thought processes to an extent but it's who he is. People can be spineless whether they are NT or ND.

He needs to step up and move on or you need to leave.

Original poster
Ho0orlicks · 13/10/2019 00:32

You raise a good point Halo

Ex aside, we do have a good relationship and he does on our DC and i.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ho0orlicks · 13/10/2019 00:33

I also agree with the point you've made about his ASD, squint.

I am guilty of making alot of allowances on the basis of his aspergers Sad

OP posts:
Cantrememberpassword · 13/10/2019 00:56

I feel you are using his Aspergers as the excuse for not marrying when in reality he just does not want to marry you. You are being blindsided by this.

Leflic · 13/10/2019 01:07

Loads of people get married in circumstances way more difficult than yours. Or in very similar circumstances actually.
It’s not the exes fault or that you have children or any reason other than he doesn’t want to marry you,

If it’s important to you then it may well be a dealbreaker. Also that he is ficused on the last relationship rather than the dynamics of his new life with you and the children. Honestly, you get what you settle for,

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