He won't marry me because of his ex

[Ho0orlicks]

I've been with DP 6 years, we have two children of our own and he has two girls from a previous relationship, aged 10 and 12.

His ex (mother of his first two) has never been accepting of our relationship, she is a very domineering woman and has made it difficult for everybody along the way including her DDs. An example of this would be her refusal to let their girls meet our first baby when she was born and delayed them meeting our second for a similar period of time.

As a result of her interfering with contact (regularly stopping and restarting it at her convenience by means of spiting DP) the children aren't as close as I would have hoped they'd be. I get on well with his two girls but am fairly sure their mother badmouthes me and so they feel somewhat torn and we haven't been able to truly bond the way I had hoped, despite my best efforts.

I have urged DP to pursue a formal contact arrangement to put a stop to her histrionics but he's extremely reluctant to do so. He thinks (and with good reason) that his ex will stop contact all together if she gets wind of him trying to take some control. It is worth noting that my partner has aspergers and sees things as very black and white, in his mind it is just too big a risk to take. I do realise his position sounds ridiculous and spineless to the NT's among us, but he won't be convinced otherwise (believe me I have tried)

I must state that I was vehemently not the other woman.

This brings me to my OP.

I would love nothing more than to marry DP as I'm absolutely certain he's the man I want to spend my life with. We have a wonderful relationship and he is a fantastic partner and father.

He doesn't want to get married and has said in a roundabout way that this is because of the backlash he's concerned about from the ex.

FWIW, I'm absolutely sure he loves me and it's not a question of him being "just not that into me" as he proves his love in many ways on a daily basis in how he cares for me and the children.

As lovely as he is I'm struggling to get past the fact that he allows an ex and her histrionics to complicate and dictate our relationship to this extent. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be anything in the world that can rid him of the anxiety he has about her damaging his relationship with their two girls.

Sadly, largely due to his aspergers, he's unlikely to have a change of heart because when he gets something in his mind then that's it and he won't be convinced otherwise. Wives and partners of aspergers men will understand my point on this.

Would this be a dealbreaker for you? I'm beginning to fear that it is for me. I love him very much but this is a problem that isn't going away.

I have had very similar. However I’m not sure you should blame the Aspergers as it were - DP also has this however I think many men just can’t see past the hold their exes have over them and also aren’t necessarily wanting to marry again if they had to leave the first time.

If I were I’d stop seeing this as an ASD thing, it never helps.

Instead, take some power yourself. Think about what is absolutely key to having a better life - one or two changes and then go for these with everything you’ve got.

I made it 100% clear I could not go on with loose arrangements with childcare, Ex was still controlling DP and me through these. We made a calendar and it made a huge difference. Ex went mental of course but what could she do? Also the kids liked it they finally knew what was going on. I was prepared to leave if this was not done and it’s the only reason DP did it.

You might have to then see if marriage is a deal breaker for you. Think about it. Maybe see if you can get one big change done to distance and lessen Exes control like a calendar, focus on building up a really good family with DP, lots of fun, happy events, focus on you all.

Then in a year, see if marriage is so important you are prepared to leave. Or just live with it.

I would get married and not tell anyone. In a few years, when his 2 DD’s are old enough for their mother not to be able to limit contact, I’d have a nice party to celebrate your marriage.

My husband has aspergers and none of the behaviour you’ve described is similar to him, nor would it be tolerated by me.

Have to say, if he's that scared of her I’m surprised he had children with you in the first place. It sounds like he just doesn’t want to marry you, and is using the ex as an excuse.

Are they definitely divorced?

Have you seen his will? Do you know how any pension/death in service is to be distributed?

Do you own property together?

To be honest I don't really think it stands as a sufficient reason, if he really wanted to meet you he wouldn't be stopped by his fear of backlash from his ex. That understandably frustrates and hurts you but it's not necessarily a big deal in itself. The real question is if you are going to be satisfied with remaining unmarried in the long run. If you can make peace with it then there's no problem. If it's very important to you then I suppose it becomes an issue, if only because it's more important to you than to him. I imagine you discussed it at some point over the years? Has he changed his mind or was he always said he didn't want to be married? If he previously said it was on the cards at some point and now it's not worth the ex as the reason then ultimately he's putting her feelings before yours and you are fully entitled to be upset and to challenge him on it. Otherwise I'm afraid sounds like an excuse. If it's not deeply important to you to be married then give it time, things will likely get less bitter between DP and ex as the kids get older and the years continue to pass.

I think my take is different to a lot of people on here, because I don't think of myself as a 'natural' parent (although I love my DD to distraction). I think parenting is bloody hard, relentless, stressful and unforgiving.

So I can not imagine for a single second making myself voluntarily a single parent if I didn't absolutely have to.

I know there are single parents on here, and they do an amazing job. But why would you choose to put yourself there? Your OP reads to me like there's this unsatisfactory situation (which I completely get) but your solution is akin to "should I keep going to waitrose or swap to lidl?". Parenting is relentless, unforgiving, expensive, tiring, boring, stressful, repeating, endless. Joyous, of course. Repetitive, demanding. Etc, etc.

I can't imagine ANYONE in RL actually just casually saying "or shall I just go it alone?" Like that's the easier option.

Why would anybody except your witnesses need to know you are married? You could have a very simple legal ceremony and not tell anyone until you or he is ready to.

My husband has aspergers and none of the behaviour you’ve described is similar to him, nor would it be tolerated by me.

Same here but adult child, not DH (although I suspect he also has it but never diagnosed due to the generation we are).

In my experience, while black and white, thinking is generally driven by logic and facts. In this case it’s incredibly straightforward, he is entitled to routine access via court order. It’s not impossible to change their mind as long as you have a robust, logical argument they understand.

Irrespective, it doesn’t mean you have to put up with this shit, I wouldn’t.

I suspect this is not a deal breaker for you or you would have sorted this before having children ? You must have at least discussed it before having your children ? Why is it an issue now ?

Was it ever discussed and what was said - are you moving the goalposts or is he ? Are you now changing your position (perhaps as a reaction to the ex messing you about) or is he going back on a previous indication he would marry you ?

Don’t know much about ASD - is there any therapy or some similar techniques etc he can use to help him work through this if this is something so important to you ? That’s assuming this is the root of his issues. He is telling you however that he is effectively placing the wishes of his ex above you. That would cause you significant hurt and he should be seen to at least be taking some steps to try to put you first. He appears resistant to this though from what you e said.

I also wondered if he has painted the ex as the “black” as PP suggested. Is he just feeding her bad behaviour and creating a monster because he won’t stand up to her ? I have no experience with ASD but others on this thread who have seem to suggest that you're (and he is) excusing his crappy behaviour and blaming his ASD, when in fact it’s not related at all. Is there any truth there ?

However if he doesn’t want to marry you (for whatever reason) it is worth finding out the genuine reason for that as it might make a difference to your feelings - it might be easier to accept if he never wants to be married vs him prioritising his ex ?

A PP made a good point about wills, life insurance etc - without marriage you and your children are financially vulnerable. Has he put anything in place to mitigate this ? I’d be concerned about this and insist it was dealt with either way, but of course without marriage he could just change any such provisions anyway.

What about the secret marriage idea ? Or do you want a “wedding” too - nothing wrong with that (I had one) but maybe you need to compromise on this if he is willing to agree to a secret ceremony ? I’d also not be keen on keeping it a secret for other reasons - changing my name, celebrating with friends etc... but it might be the best way in a bad situation where you have to accept you’re probably not going to get everything you want.

For what it’s worth, it sounds pants !

I agree with runoutofnamechanges

"From a practical point of view, could you get married in secret just for the legal protection? Not even tell your children. Once the youngest is 18 in in 8 years time, you can always have a blessing or similar ceremony and celebrate with your friends and family, make it public."

if you love your partner and he is a good dad and you chose to have kids before getting married then I don't think i would be so worried, in your shoes, about having a public wedding etc. But if you want protection for yourself and the kids, then tell him it needs to be a private wedding and once his kids reach 18 they can be bridesmaids at your blessing ceremony.

You may be able to make provisions for yourself and the kids legally somehow but if you want to marry I would push for that without her or the kids knowing.

IMHO.

I too would talk to him about getting married quietly. You can gave the wedding later (10th anniversary maybe) it might not be exactlybwhat you want, but it would be better legally and you’d know for sure it wasn’t about him just not wanting to.

I would actually speak to a solicitor & explain the situation re access and If his ex stops contact again ask them to come to the house to explain to DP, that he will get access legally. Make it Blacks and white you don’t have access now, you will if you do.this.

However, there’s no way I’d leave him over this. If he was NT, I think would be different but mostly in that I don’t find ‘stupid’ attractive, but when someone has Aspergers it’s different. (And it doesn’t matter what anyone else’s DP/DH/dad/cat with asp. Would do/think/say because everyone is different)

HIs girls are getting to an age where they’ll want to know why they’re not seeing their Dad if she stops contact, they need to see him doing what he can legally to see them.

There’s still plenty of time to develop stronger connections with them & between all the children. As they get older it’s easier to arrange contact directly and to discuss not having seen them (and them being wiser not to mention certain conversations to their mother if it’s in their interest)

If you take the youngest two and leave - who benefits?

I think he’s got a point about court proceedings, you can get a court order, but they are pretty much unenforceable,

Why can't you get married and just not tell anyone? If it's the legal bit that's important then surely getting that in place is what matters?

However if marriage was so important to you, why did you move in with this man and have two children with him first? You're now tied to him for the rest of your life even if you never get married.

Marriage would have been a deal breaker to me but I wouldn’t have had children first. You leaving because he won’t marry will have a huge impact on them for your wants.

I never see the point in marriage ultimatums, why would anyone want to force a person into marriage?

You come across as quite domineering yourself op. How do you know he wants to marry you?

I’m surprised you had children with him considering you knew his situation with his ex.

Many ex wives are painted as the ‘bitter’ ex by ex husbands for their convenience. You only know his side of things. I feel sorry for his children mixed up in this scenario.

Thanks for the replies

Marriage was discussed and was definitely on the cards, his exact words were "I would really like to" but this changed after we had our first baby and she really began to make things difficult.

Before this she was difficult but not spiteful, us having DC changed that.

I have no doubt in my mind the reason he doesn't want to marry now is because of the backlash. He was all for it before and nothing has changed between us, our relationship has only strengthened over the years.

I'm not domineering in the slightest and I've stayed well out of this.

I will broach the subject of having a discrete ceremony that we don't tell people about until the girls are old enough to manage contact themselves. That is a good idea and I would be more than happy to do that, as much as I would like to share our day with family and friends, if it makes things easier for him and the girls so be it.

I have aspergers and I find it slightly insulting that his spineless behaviour is put down to that. Yes we can be rigid in our ways and thinking but it doesn't mean we can't see valid reasons for changing our minds.

He doesn't want to stand up to his ex for fear of losing his DCs. That has nothing to do with aspergers, he's spineless. If he truely stood up to her she may back down, like bullies do. She plays up because she knows she can and that he'll let her get away with it.

Elope.
Party the week end you have his dc.
No discussion necessary with ex...

As lovely as he is I'm struggling to get past the fact that he allows an ex and her histrionics to complicate and dictate our relationship to this extent

This isn't a lovely man. He'd rather make you unhappy than his ex. He won't go to court to try to formalise contact so basically, his ex and their 2 children matter more than you and yours; you've accepted last place in his life (I assume you had children with him knowing the situation between he & his ex) so really it's a case of putting up with it, since he's given her power over your life as well as his. & he's not hiding that from you.

He's told you he's not going to do anything about it all, you've made a post about it (understandably, as it's not a pleasant situation) that won't change anything.

But all in all he simply doesn't want to marry you, that's the bottom line. No matter what you say about ex (I suspect she won't have a meltdown if you marry but it's convenient for him to tell you she will) or about Aspergers.

There are plenty of married people with Aspergers by the way. Your man is just who he is.

I can't help but wonder if he's using Aspergers as an excuse to bury his head in the sand. Lots of men excuse their ex/MIL/other person's behaviour towards his loved ones for a quiet life.

Why is he not worried about angering you and your joint kids? He sees you every day and should be a higher priority for him than her.

I think that a lot of people who get divorced think never again to marriage but he was very unfair to say that he wanted it if he wasn't sure or didn't.

It’s funny how if it’s his Aspergers-related rigid thinking contributing to this scenario, that he’s not rigidly thinking ‘I love my partner, we have a family, I want us to be financially protected as a unit and I won’t allow myself to be controlled by somebody I’m not even with anymore’, when he has legal options open to him to enforce contact with his first two children.

Funny how his rigid thinking means his ex’s whims and ideas are far more important than marrying the woman he supposedly loves and plans to be with for the foreseeable future.

I’m sorry but I’m another one who thinks he just doesn’t want to marry you and the ex is a convenient scapegoat.

If he wanted to marry you you’d be married. You’ve been together years and have two children together. At this point I think it’d be unwise to try convince or strongarm him into marriage when he’s been very clear he doesn’t want to marry you. So I’d have a good think about whether you could be happy staying together unmarried.

I've read my thread back and I apologise if I have offended anybody with aspergers (or married to somebody who has it)

The truth is I've overlooked alot of his heel dragging and passed it off as "that's just how his mind works"

There has been several discussions/disagreements over the years (not to do with a wedding or ex) where I've been unable to fathom his thought process because at times his thinking seemed ridiculous to me, so I grew to accept that I will probably never be able to put myself in his shoes all of the time and that would be alot to do with his ASD.

When really, as pointed out, people with aspergers are more than capable of making decisions and changing their minds based on logic.

I do apologise for my blanket opinion, I realise I can't stand by it on this one.

The truth is he could stand up to her and he could get married if he wants to, his ex being difficult may be a reason not to but it's not an excuse.

He needs to make a stand to formalize contact for his girls sake before I even think of raising a wedding really.

He needs to make a stand to formalize contact for his girls sake before I even think of raising a wedding really.

And he hasn’t so far and shows no signs of doing so...

... so what are you going to do?

I think I need to tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to man up and sort his contact, now, because not doing so is damaging not only his relationship with the girls but our DC's too.

Until now I haven't put my foot down, not wanting to apply pressure because I knew how he felt about his ex stopping contact all the time and how he was worried to rock the boat.

I've been gently pushing and trying to persuade him to get it sorted but it's time for me to put my foot down.

If he still doesn't, well then we have a problem.

He hasn't shown any signs of changing for six years - why would he change now?

Because until now I've respected his position and not put my foot down. I've realised a wedding isn't the problem it's him running scared of the ex in general.