He won't marry me because of his ex

[Ho0orlicks]

I've been with DP 6 years, we have two children of our own and he has two girls from a previous relationship, aged 10 and 12.

His ex (mother of his first two) has never been accepting of our relationship, she is a very domineering woman and has made it difficult for everybody along the way including her DDs. An example of this would be her refusal to let their girls meet our first baby when she was born and delayed them meeting our second for a similar period of time.

As a result of her interfering with contact (regularly stopping and restarting it at her convenience by means of spiting DP) the children aren't as close as I would have hoped they'd be. I get on well with his two girls but am fairly sure their mother badmouthes me and so they feel somewhat torn and we haven't been able to truly bond the way I had hoped, despite my best efforts.

I have urged DP to pursue a formal contact arrangement to put a stop to her histrionics but he's extremely reluctant to do so. He thinks (and with good reason) that his ex will stop contact all together if she gets wind of him trying to take some control. It is worth noting that my partner has aspergers and sees things as very black and white, in his mind it is just too big a risk to take. I do realise his position sounds ridiculous and spineless to the NT's among us, but he won't be convinced otherwise (believe me I have tried)

I must state that I was vehemently not the other woman.

This brings me to my OP.

I would love nothing more than to marry DP as I'm absolutely certain he's the man I want to spend my life with. We have a wonderful relationship and he is a fantastic partner and father.

He doesn't want to get married and has said in a roundabout way that this is because of the backlash he's concerned about from the ex.

FWIW, I'm absolutely sure he loves me and it's not a question of him being "just not that into me" as he proves his love in many ways on a daily basis in how he cares for me and the children.

As lovely as he is I'm struggling to get past the fact that he allows an ex and her histrionics to complicate and dictate our relationship to this extent. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be anything in the world that can rid him of the anxiety he has about her damaging his relationship with their two girls.

Sadly, largely due to his aspergers, he's unlikely to have a change of heart because when he gets something in his mind then that's it and he won't be convinced otherwise. Wives and partners of aspergers men will understand my point on this.

Would this be a dealbreaker for you? I'm beginning to fear that it is for me. I love him very much but this is a problem that isn't going away.

Also, if he wanted to marry you but was genuinely concerned about his ex, he’d have suggested a midway idea of having a small ceremony together so you are legally married, and then a party to celebrate later once he’s formalised arrangements re his children.

You might have said no, I deserve a wedding I can invite everyone to and shout from the rooftops, and you’d be well within your rights to have felt that way. But there’s no way of his ex knowing if the two of you went off to a register office one weekday with a couple of witnesses and got married so you’re legally husband and wife and have those legal benefits and responsibilities towards one another. Yet he hasn’t offered or asked if you’d be happy with that.

Which is what tells me he just doesn’t want to be married to you. Which must be gut wrenching and heartbreaking when he’s led you down the garden path saying he did want to marry you and you trusted his word.

Yes I am very hurt that he said he wanted to marry me and now doesn't.

I feel like I've been lead up the garden path and messed about.

If his one and only stance was "I'm not getting married" I could have chosen whether or not that was enough for me and proceeded accordingly.

He outright told me he wanted to, and then backtracked.

If you're so sure you want to spend your life with him, why can't you just get on with doing that? Why the desperation to get married? It can't have been that important or you'd have done it before having two children, so what she the hurry.

If you have a whole life ahead of you then where's the harm in waiting a few more years until his children are older?

Because until now I've respected his position and not put my foot down.

Okay, but if you issue an ultimatum, you need to be prepared to follow through and end the relationship If he doesn't want to marry you. Otherwise it's just an empty threat, isn't it?

So, you need to ask yourself - are you willing to break up your family over this? Split up with your girls father and put them in a position where they only see their dad every other weekend?

The time to put your foot down was before you had children, unfortunately. As you can't turn back the clock, you need to figure out how to make the best of the situation you're in.

@Mightlynightowl name change?

Have to agreed with pp, as someone who actually has aspergers (and an aspie husband to boot!) its pretty offensive to see you generalise about his shit behaviour as if we are all the fucking same. You either accept his failings as a person or you don't but don't make out like he isn't responsible for his own actions, he's an adult. Blaming his aspergers is literally just enabling him to continue not dealing with his shit. In the most respectful way possible, you both need to get a grip!

You’re in a tough situation, OP. I take it if marriage is a non-runner for him, you’re going to stay to keep the family together?

Not sure if you say my questions earlier but how financially tied are you? What are imhis arrangements for pension and death-in-service benefits? Do you own a property together? Is he divorced rom his ex?
You do need to know the financial implications of not being married in terms of inheritance taxes etc.

Have to say, I’d be really upset in your position and would find it difficult to share a life and a bed with this man. In your direct family unit, he has you and two children, and the combined interests of those three people doesn’t even equal the unreasonable wants of his ex.

His priorities are all wrong.

Yes name change fail on my part,

I raised a concern about something on another board and didn't want it following me back to other posts.

Oops

Surprised he had second child with you but is afraid to marry. Are they divorced? Just do it quietly, and have celebration when dsc are old enough to come without mums say so.
His relationship with them and ex is not your business. Yes it affects you but let him sort it out, or not.

You see I think mores going on here than your being told ....

He could go to court get the whole thing sorted out with agreed access but he chooses not to . Do you know why the split up because to be honest these are the actions of a guilty man.
Sadly until he stands up to her or takes her to court nothing will change

He was never married to his ex, but they were engaged for a time and split before being wed.

If he hadn't of expressed a clear desire to marry me earlier on then I would be thinking this was an issue of not wanting to marry anybody full stop.

So he was either deliberately misleading me, misleading the pair of us, or was genuine when he said he wanted to marry me and then changed his mind after things got messy with his contact.

You can get some protections without marrying, with wills and financial planning. Would that help for now? He needs to protect all his dc and you.
Perhaps you want public statement? Stop trying to best her, it won't end well.

He doesn't think marriage is worth the potential fallout with the ex. I think you have to accept that and realise it could change when his kids are older and more independent.

There are legal things you can do to protect each other in the event of death without being married. I'm not exactly sure what they are but I first heard about then when there was that decade long court case around civil partnerships for heterosexual people and have heard it referred to in other contexts too.

Why does it matter? You say you're financially independent so where's the problem? What about a civil partnership - I think hetero partners can have them. Or just a blessing? Big white dress? Party?

It really isn't about me trying to best her, getting married was important to me and I told him as much early on.

For several reasons the children came first but I always believed marriage was on the cards, I was just never in a rush.

I'm only upset now because he's done a complete 180 and took it off the table completely.

I would happily carry on as we are and wait until his girls are grown and they no longer have to go through their mother for contact.

I will be having a conversation with him later tonight.

He'd rather make you unhappy than his ex.
You know, especially if this guy is autistic,the chances are that he'd rather make the OP unhappy than himself. He could have made the logical decision that backlash for the ex will be negative for him and he doesn't want to deal with that. This could be compounded by the fact that he doesn't value marriage as much as the OP so doesn't feel it outweighs the disadvantages of backlash from the ex. Especially as they already have a perfectly stable relationship anyway.

ChilledBee wow that was offensive!? Autistic people are not inherently selfish! Will people just quit it with the generalisations. I'm a people pleaser, I go out of my way to make other people happy even if it isn't necessarily convenient to me. Sometimes to the point it is massively detrimental to me (eg if i say i will do something but it becomes no longer a simple task, i dont just give up because its hard!) That is a personality trait that many people have and has fuck all to do with having autism.

ChilledBee

I think you're probably spot on

Agree with cantrememberpassword. He just doesn't want to marry you. I suspect his taste of marriage is bitter from his ex. I doubt he will ever ask you as well. You need to stop worrying about it, you have a good relationship and thats all that counts. You are financially independent and in a good place. Just enjoy what you have. You will be forever having to deal with a bitter ex so thats another thing to accept, shrug your shoulders and get on with your good life. You already have everything you want, dont push for something he is not going to give you, it will eat away at you and fuel resentment. Its not worth it.

Whether it's personality or selfishness in his case I do completely believe that for him, it's about not wanting to deal with the negativity and as we have a good relationship he sees no need to risk more negativity because why deal with that when he doesn't have to

Just want to be clear, I have no comment on whether it is or isn't a personality thing here since I don't know the man but regardless of that the generalisations about autism are unhelpful to everyone

wow that was offensive!? Autistic people are not inherently selfish! Will people just quit it with the generalisations. I'm a people pleaser, I go out of my way to make other people happy even if it isn't necessarily convenient to me. Sometimes to the point it is massively detrimental to me (eg if i say i will do something but it becomes no longer a simple task, i dont just give up because its hard!) That is a personality trait that many people have and has fuck all to do with having autism.

Autistic people can often remove the emotional and sentimental aspects to decision making which is a strength rather than a flaw. Firstly, our attachment to marriage is probably a bad thing. The fact that not being married to someone who you have a loving and stable relationship with can keep a person up at night is probably because we value the wrong things. So, if he does feel this way, it is likely that he thinks her attachment to a.married status is based on societal conditioning rather than it doing much to improve the quality of their lives in any meaningful way.

Next, being able to put aside the fact that we will disappoint people and actually weighing up what will be best for ourselves long term is another skill that NT conditioning knocks out of you. Selfish? That depends. It is a bit like the oxygen mask on the plane. In an extreme circumstance, isn't it selfish to leave your child gasping for air for longer than yourself? No of course not. Not if it means you'll both live if you do it that way. Being able to guess that you'll not be the person you are now if you subject yourself to the stress of the backlash and that could lead to the marriage imploding anyway is insightful and smart. Yes it means in the short term, your partner doesn't get the marriage they wanted but it could mean that they get the relationship they need for life.

It isn't selfish. It's smart. NT people are taught to be nice. Not smart.

I do not that the OP is generalizing about all autistic people/people on the spectrum/diagnosed with Aspergers.

I think the OP is talking about her own partner and her own situation. Which she knows infinity more about than than anyone else here.

People on the thread might generalize about NT or Autistic people, that's up to them. But I've not noticed NT people being socialized to be nice. I've nlyiced, IMHO, women and girls veibg socialised to be nice in our society.

You know, especially if this guy is autistic,the chances are that he'd rather make the OP unhappy than himself

Autistic does not = Selfish. People are selfish as a choice.

I'm surprised anyone thinks selfishness is a trait of Autism 🤔 there really needs to be more education out there