He won't marry me because of his ex

[Ho0orlicks]

I've been with DP 6 years, we have two children of our own and he has two girls from a previous relationship, aged 10 and 12.

His ex (mother of his first two) has never been accepting of our relationship, she is a very domineering woman and has made it difficult for everybody along the way including her DDs. An example of this would be her refusal to let their girls meet our first baby when she was born and delayed them meeting our second for a similar period of time.

As a result of her interfering with contact (regularly stopping and restarting it at her convenience by means of spiting DP) the children aren't as close as I would have hoped they'd be. I get on well with his two girls but am fairly sure their mother badmouthes me and so they feel somewhat torn and we haven't been able to truly bond the way I had hoped, despite my best efforts.

I have urged DP to pursue a formal contact arrangement to put a stop to her histrionics but he's extremely reluctant to do so. He thinks (and with good reason) that his ex will stop contact all together if she gets wind of him trying to take some control. It is worth noting that my partner has aspergers and sees things as very black and white, in his mind it is just too big a risk to take. I do realise his position sounds ridiculous and spineless to the NT's among us, but he won't be convinced otherwise (believe me I have tried)

I must state that I was vehemently not the other woman.

This brings me to my OP.

I would love nothing more than to marry DP as I'm absolutely certain he's the man I want to spend my life with. We have a wonderful relationship and he is a fantastic partner and father.

He doesn't want to get married and has said in a roundabout way that this is because of the backlash he's concerned about from the ex.

FWIW, I'm absolutely sure he loves me and it's not a question of him being "just not that into me" as he proves his love in many ways on a daily basis in how he cares for me and the children.

As lovely as he is I'm struggling to get past the fact that he allows an ex and her histrionics to complicate and dictate our relationship to this extent. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be anything in the world that can rid him of the anxiety he has about her damaging his relationship with their two girls.

Sadly, largely due to his aspergers, he's unlikely to have a change of heart because when he gets something in his mind then that's it and he won't be convinced otherwise. Wives and partners of aspergers men will understand my point on this.

Would this be a dealbreaker for you? I'm beginning to fear that it is for me. I love him very much but this is a problem that isn't going away.

From the OP-

Wives and partners of a aspergers men will understand my point on this

This is a generalisation. My husband does not behave in this fashion. Pp also say their dh does not behave in this fashion.

I do realise his position sounds ridiculous and spineless to the NT's among us

I have autism. He sounds pretty spineless to me.

Im not sure getting married in secret is a good idea TBH! His ex would almost certainly find out at some point anyway ,and who wants a cloak and dagger affair where everyone is sworn to secrecy? If he really wanted to remarry he would!.Many men who get divorced dont want to remarry and thats probably the case here .As much as he loves you and your DC ,its not enough to make him want to do it a second time ! If you are happy together then why worry?You are financially independent anyway .Maybe enjoy what you have ATM .

Regardless of whether it is caused by his Asperges, his rigidness and complete unwillingness to even engage in a hypothetical conversation about the options, makes this quite a selfish and one sided dynamic. He doesn't listen to you and because things are ok for him, he doesn't care that they are not ok for you.

I think the fact that you say even an ultimatum wouldn't work, is the true deal breaker here. If you are genuinely in a position where even the thought of definitely losing you and your kids would not sway him to even consider something that MIGHT (but probably won't for obvious reasons) effect him seeing his older children.... you are not very high up on his priorities and deserve better, frankly.

He needs to put his children and current partner first before his ex.
He may have aspergers but that's no excuse not to have access clerly arranged by a court order.
Tbh, I wouldn't have had children with him unless he was prepared to get married.
you now have 3 dc with two different men, are you going to have another with another man when you kick this one to touch.
He doesn't want to get married, it's simple.

Op do you want a wedding or a marriage? You can get married with 2 witnesses and no one apart from the 4 of you and the registrar would be any the wiser if you're just concerned about the legal aspects. Surely you'd rather that than walk away completely?

What I was referring to when I said "wives and partners of aspergers men will know where I'm coming from" was the frustrations that being with an ASD person can bring.

There are many pages of threads on here providing support to the OH's of aspergers men, because it can be challenging at times.

I do accept that this particular problem may not be a direct result of his ASD, but decisions he makes and the way he thinks is often to do with how he happens to process things, in a very black and white non-sentimental way

Sometimes I have to point out how him saying or doing XYZ isn't the right thing to say/do because it makes people feel like (insert whatever is appropriate at the time)

He often doesn't see the bigger picture, and when he does he sees it in accordance to how he thinks - He doesn't always grasp how XYZ can be upsetting to somebody else, ie me.

It's just the way he is.

I would be more than happy with a private ceremony at a registry office, I don't need to shout about it from the roof tops.

The issue isn't the type of ceremony it's his not wanting to get married, at all, which contradicts what he told me before.

He's said in a round about way that he knows how his ex will react and he doesn't want to deal with more of the same, drama etc.

He's happy how we are and so am I to an extent, but I need to decide whether marriage is a deal breaker for me.

This aside - we are happy but getting married does mean something to me.

It's not about pissing off the ex, it's about exchanging vows and doing so out of love. There is also the security aspect IRT our children (who both have my name)

If he hadn't said he wanted to get married we could have had this conversation years ago and I could have decided pre children wether to proceed.

I chose to have children first because that was what I wanted at the time and I don't regret that, but I feel deceived because he specifically told me he wanted to marry.

Later on, that was fine.

I raised the subject again this past year and suddenly he's anti marriage, it's too much drama, there will be trouble etc.

Have you referred to that previous conversation and asked what has changed?

Yes I have and that's when he's mentioned it causing drama

The conversation where he said he would like to marry was before we had children, when his ex was a nuisance but not totally spiteful.

We had DC and she started interfering with his contact, stop start stop start.

In his mind, getting married is going to bring on more of the same and make it worse.

I also suspect her comments about me trying to play happy families with her DD's has stuck in his mind, in the sense of us getting married is only going to further cement that thought to her.

He knows that's not the case, but she won't be told otherwise.

She's threatened by him having children with me and me wanting to have a relationship with their DD's which is unavoidable as I live with their father and share their siblings with him.

Also I understood what you meant but I still had to point out how that can be taken. By generalising conditions like that we really do the people who have it a disservice because most people get their information about these things second hand and so it just feeds into stereotypes and causes stigma. I'm not trying to be difficult, I understand how much hard work goes into loving an autistic person.

I do see your point NotANeurotic, again I'm sorry if any offence was caused. I should have better considered how I worded my post.

One of my children is also autistic so the last thing in the world I would want to do on purpose would be to further stigmatize the condition

Very sorry

I don't think considering what will be best for you is selfish. You have to consider your own wellbeing or you can't be healthy for anyone else. You can't just give give give constantly.

Why can't you just get married and not tell her?

If he loved you enough he would marry you. He is using his ex as an excuse not to.

I think the ex is a bit of a smokescreen. As I see it, he doesn’t want to marry you. No doubting he loved you but, once bitten and all that

Perhaps he's scared that if he rocks the boat he'll end up losing you as well? Its a shit position to be in but he needs to wise up. The fact of it is that by law his ex can't withdraw contact for no good reason and getting his contact cemented a bit further just creates more stability for all of his children. It does mean he has less room to fuck it up though and that's a lot of pressure so I can see why it would freak him out. Doesn't make it any less his mess to sort out though and he's not helping himself trying to keep his ex happy. He couldn't keep her happy when they were together so pandering now won't work either.

I'm sorry you feel let down that sucks. Realising things aren't what you were expecting is tough for everyone spectrum or not!