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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I ended it, but he doesnt want it to be over so it's not :(

86 replies

Connie1972xxxx · 12/10/2019 17:28

Hi,
Some advice would be appreciated. I came out of a long abusive marriage 2 years ago. It took everything I had within me to leave. My exh was/is a nasty man who left me a shell of a person who contemplated suicide regularly. If it wasnt for my DDs I probably wouldn't be here.
My divorce is through but I dont think I've really processed the last 20 years despite counselling.
7 months after leaving I got into a relationship with a man I knew through my hobby. This I now know was stupid of me. It was nice to be shown some attention, have nice conversations with and have our hobby in common. He knew my marriage history and was understanding. He is divorced himself. I didn't realise the impact a relationship would have on me and my girls. At first it was a few drinks or a theatre night but he started wanting more of my time which is nice he wanted to have time with me but I was missing my DDs. The time away didn't feel right. It just started to feel wrong.
I don't like upsetting people so would go along with what he wanted most of the time. My DDs are teens and have friends here but not all the time.
This started to affect my mental health. I work full time so feel like I never stop. I was trying to do everything for the girls, work, see dp.
I ended it in july. I told him my girls need me at the moment. I want to be focused on them. He was upset and couldnt understand my reasons, and still cant. He still calls and texts. Has said I'm not thinking about myself and my future enough. Other people dont have this problem he says. They come up with a solution. He lives in my village. I'm terrified to go out incase I see him. He always asks me to go for a drink when he texts but I say I'm busy with the girls. So I cant go out or he will say I do have time.
My friend tells me to just tell him to sod off. I know this sounds weak but I just cant. Hes a nice man, i cant be horrible to him. But the.nice texts asking me for a drink make me feel pressured. I dont have any feelings for him now. I just want some peace. He still talks like we are together. Texting holidays hes seen that we can go on in the future like this is a temporary break.
I dont know what to do. I feel like I'm.just hurting people. My exh even though I knows hes nasty. And now this man who says "he wont give up on me" .
My DDs deserve a mum to be here. It's still new to them, its just a couple of years. I want to be here for them. I made a massive mistake. I dont know how to put it right.
Thank you if you got this far. Any advice would be appreciated. Help with what I can say so I dont cause any more hurt.

OP posts:

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 12/10/2019 17:30

He doesn't get to make that decision. You don't have to go along with or even entertain what he's saying.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/10/2019 17:31

Take your control back and block this idiot. You are ALLOWING him to drag this nonsense on. Tell him to leave you alone or you will go to the police.

Itsallgonewoowoo · 12/10/2019 17:32

He is not a nice man. He is abusive in his own way, just because he's not as bad or as obvious as your exDH doesn't make him innocent. You have out your facts to him and he is rail roading you and ignoring you. Your choice doesn't matter to him, only his choice. As your friend says, get tough, tell him to sod off and block him.

Cuddlysnowleopard · 12/10/2019 17:33

Honestly, just text next time and say you don't want to keep in contact, it's too much right now, then block his number.

TheSparkling · 12/10/2019 17:34

Hes a nice man,

Really he's not.

Pumpkintopf · 12/10/2019 17:35

Your friend sounds like a good mate. By suggesting that he knows what's best for you better than you do this man is not being respectful of you. You know what that's like and don't want to be there again. Why not tell him clearly that you've made your decision, you want him to respect it and not contact you again.

MrsMozartMkII · 12/10/2019 17:35

Tell him it's over. Thay you haven't wanted to hurt his feeling has but he must stop contacting you. Then block him.

As for not wanting to hurt his gremlin feeds, think of it as being better that he gets the message now rather than later.

Original poster

Connie1972xxxx · 12/10/2019 17:35

I know I'm allowing it. But I feel like I've caused it by dating him in the first place. Like I've led him on. Hes confused as to why I want to be on my own

OP posts:

BeesKnees4 · 12/10/2019 17:35

Definitely not nice, constantly harassing an d pressuring you.
Block him, go out with your head held eye.
He’s a manipulating prick.

Windygate · 12/10/2019 17:36

You say you don't like upsetting people so why not start with your DDs and yourself. Tell him firmly to leave you alone and block him. He really isn't a nice man

Pumpkintopf · 12/10/2019 17:37

You haven't caused this or 'led him on'. You're allowed to date. You're also allowed to make the decision to stop dating (him or anyone else) for whatever reason you choose!

Mephisto · 12/10/2019 17:37

He's not a nice man, OP. Ih he was nice he would respect your wishes.

I would send him a last text saying that you don't want a relationship and to please stop the texts as they making you uncomfortable. Then block him.

Underyoursky · 12/10/2019 17:37

You have to really firm about it and determined not to give in. Tell him once and for all you don’t want to see him again, you are not going to change your mind and you don’t want to keep in touch.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 12/10/2019 17:37

"I know I'm allowing it. But I feel like I've caused it by dating him in the first place. Like I've led him on. Hes confused as to why I want to be on my own"

You're allowed to not want to be in the relationship anymore :s you don't owe him anything. Block and ignore.

Windmillwhirl · 12/10/2019 17:38

Go out if you want to go out. Stop letting him dictate your life.

You don't have to convince him it's over.

BumbleBeee69 · 12/10/2019 17:38

FFs change your mobile number

SevenStones · 12/10/2019 17:39

He's not a nice man, OP, far from it.

Block him so he can't message you.

kimlo · 12/10/2019 17:39

you can date who you want when you want, you can end anything anytime you want for what ever reason you want. Just because you dated him doesn't mean that you owe him anything.

Block him.

BlackCherry666 · 12/10/2019 17:39

Ok I agree with your friend. You really do need to tell him to sod off. Or if you can't, ask a friend or family member to do it on your behalf.

It sounds like you've had a really lucky escape, he sounds like a bloody nightmare.

Interestedwoman · 12/10/2019 17:39

'This man who says "he wont give up on me"

This is a stalker basically mate. Just block him on everything. His happiness isn't your responsibility- your health and that of your daughters is.

Original poster

Connie1972xxxx · 12/10/2019 17:39

Thank you for the quick replies. Im just so disgusted with myself for being in this position after years of abuse. I wanted peace so much. But I'm in turmoil scared to go out.

OP posts:

Tableclothing · 12/10/2019 17:40

Send him one message that says you do not want to hear from him again, in any way. Then when he continues to contact you, get in touch with the police and they can have a word for you. They can be very persuasive. Save all his messages anddo not reply to any of them.

It just started to feel wrong.
I don't like upsetting people so would go along with what he wanted most of the time.

You are not ready for a relationship yet.

If you haven't already, contact Women's Aid. It sounds like you would really benefit from talking things through with an expert.

Tableclothing · 12/10/2019 17:42

Are you scared to go out in case you see him and he starts talking to you like you're a couple? Have you any reason to suspect that he may harm you, your daughters or your property in any way?

Sagradafamiliar · 12/10/2019 17:43

Everything he says would be true if you wanted to be with him. You don't.
The message he's hearing is that you want more family time with your DD's/feel overwhelmed/require some time alone/can't be in a relationship in general. All these reasons aren't personal to him. You might've tried to sweeten the blow by making out this isn't personal but it's playing into him coming up with solutions rather than accepting you won't be with him.
The message you need to give him has to be clear: you don't want to be with him.

NoSquirrels · 12/10/2019 17:45

He is harassing you.

You are PERFECTLY ENTITLED to not see him, or communicate with him, and it doesn’t matter that he’s ‘confused’ about that.

He’s not confused, though. He’s bullying you.

Send one last messsage:

X, we are not together and I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want to go for a drink. I want you to accept that and stop asking. If you won’t, I’ll block your number because you’re harassing me.

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