I ended it, but he doesnt want it to be over so it's not :(

[Connie1972xxxx]

Hi,
Some advice would be appreciated. I came out of a long abusive marriage 2 years ago. It took everything I had within me to leave. My exh was/is a nasty man who left me a shell of a person who contemplated suicide regularly. If it wasnt for my DDs I probably wouldn't be here.
My divorce is through but I dont think I've really processed the last 20 years despite counselling.
7 months after leaving I got into a relationship with a man I knew through my hobby. This I now know was stupid of me. It was nice to be shown some attention, have nice conversations with and have our hobby in common. He knew my marriage history and was understanding. He is divorced himself. I didn't realise the impact a relationship would have on me and my girls. At first it was a few drinks or a theatre night but he started wanting more of my time which is nice he wanted to have time with me but I was missing my DDs. The time away didn't feel right. It just started to feel wrong.
I don't like upsetting people so would go along with what he wanted most of the time. My DDs are teens and have friends here but not all the time.
This started to affect my mental health. I work full time so feel like I never stop. I was trying to do everything for the girls, work, see dp.
I ended it in july. I told him my girls need me at the moment. I want to be focused on them. He was upset and couldnt understand my reasons, and still cant. He still calls and texts. Has said I'm not thinking about myself and my future enough. Other people dont have this problem he says. They come up with a solution. He lives in my village. I'm terrified to go out incase I see him. He always asks me to go for a drink when he texts but I say I'm busy with the girls. So I cant go out or he will say I do have time.
My friend tells me to just tell him to sod off. I know this sounds weak but I just cant. Hes a nice man, i cant be horrible to him. But the.nice texts asking me for a drink make me feel pressured. I dont have any feelings for him now. I just want some peace. He still talks like we are together. Texting holidays hes seen that we can go on in the future like this is a temporary break.
I dont know what to do. I feel like I'm.just hurting people. My exh even though I knows hes nasty. And now this man who says "he wont give up on me" .
My DDs deserve a mum to be here. It's still new to them, its just a couple of years. I want to be here for them. I made a massive mistake. I dont know how to put it right.
Thank you if you got this far. Any advice would be appreciated. Help with what I can say so I dont cause any more hurt.

lotte thank you for taking the time to help me and write that post. It is a bit difficult to read in places because I have never picked apart and really looked at why I feel like this.
Hi. I'm afraid I'm really not up for any relationship at the moment. I can't explain - it's just how I feel. I'm sorry and wish you all the best.
This ^ is very helpful. Saying I cant explain is something I would never think of saying. I've always HAD to explain, over and over usually, why I never did this or that. Why I was late, why I've worn something, why I've done something a certain way, why is there mud on my car, where have i been to get it muddy. Over 20 years of explaining and tip toeing around exh not upsetting him to keep the atmosphere in the house ok. It's just what I do. Try and keep everyone happy but further on in you reply this bit has really made me think

*After the abusive relationship with your husband, you will have established a pattern of compliance which ultimately you developed to keep yourself and the children as safe as you could. Don't fight the ogre - pacify him and hopefully he'll soon just go to sleep and all will be OK. Well, this coping mechanism is pretty engrained, and you're still doing it, almost instinctually. The second guy sounds a bit weak, rather attached to you, and in some denial (not listening to you). He also wants something from you - and you don't want to do that, but you are automatically stressed by not complying. You feel it's because you don't want to hurt him, but let's follow that through ... you don't want to hurt him, because what does a hurt person do? They react emotionally, often irrationally and unpredictably, and you aren't quite sure what he might do. He certainly might come up to you in the village and ask you out (awkward, embarrassing) or worse - ask you why you don't want him (really very uncomfortable). And what do hurt people also do? They get angry, they go for the person who's hurt them. Somewhere, given what you've seen in the past, you're probably afraid. Scared of his attention. Wanting to get out of his headlights and let him go past, while you and your DDs stay safe and hidden.

You feel you've exposed you and them yet again to a person who might be angry with you. You don't want to hurt him because you don't want him to hurt you and your girls. This is too scary a situation, so you tell yourself you don't want to hurt him because you're a nice person and that would be unkind.

This gets you off the hook, and hides the fear you don't want to express, because it's too difficult, too painful, and also if others knew about it, that might make things more dangerous.*
It's fear I feel. And you're right it is too difficult. I nearly broke last time I dont think I can cope with any more pain so this is dragging on. I'm not intelligent enough to break things down (like you have above) and really realise why I'm like this but reading it there makes sense, thank you.

Bold fail in previous post

agent thank you, it's the niceness that's difficult to be honest. It's like kicking a puppy.
The replies I've had have given me a much better perspective. I'm definitely doing the freedom programme. To hopefully change my mindset and avoid anything like this happening again.

Good god, who does he think he is?! What an awful clingy man, very unattractive. You’ve had so much good advice OP, good luck in shaking him off.

Hi. I'm afraid I'm really not up for any relationship at the moment. I can't explain - it's just how I feel. I'm sorry and wish you all the best.

This very good but also say Please don't contact me anymore.

The very next time he messages you, get that text sent OP.

Good luck

He’s not a puppy he’s an arsehole. Grade A Nice Guy TM. So nice he’s entitled to s woman even if she isn’t interested. Send text and block.

I won't repeat things because a lot of what I would have said has been said already.

About the nice thing though, he is being nice because he hasn't got you into a position yet (now never) where his nastiness would be tolerated. He, knowing how vulnerable you are is making it as hard as possible for you using niceness to make you keep him while simultaneously grounding you down and erasing your needs and rights so when he flips to nasty you are too in it and your feeling for him are too strong but your feelings for yourself are too small to leave.

your exh may have been nice too once or you wouldn't have got past the first few dates until he had you in a position where he didn't need to be.

Take time on your own and that means really not with anyone else and do some work on yourself with the dv organisation so that eventually you won't ever be in a position again for another person to treat you that way because you will love yourself to know 100% that you deserve better.

I just dont have any trust in my own thoughts or opinions. when I ended this he said to me "please dont end it, I know you love me" I just looked at him. I couldnt say, no I dont. I just didn't say anything. But that must have given him false hope. Because I just looked at him. Scared to say anything that would upset him more.
This made me cry a bit because it brought back memories of the man who did this to me. I had no idea how badly it had affected me until I left then it was coming out for years (he still gets inside my head sometimes). I tumbled back into a toxic relationship with another man of the same ilk but he was much more polite, because in his case the huge red flags didn't feel like red flags, they felt like something familiar that I mistook for affection and I thought his controllingness was coming from how much he cared about me (I was very wrong).

You are doing all the right things and I know you feel like you owe this man an explanation but you don't. You don't have to answer/explain everything in the universe just because someone else asks you to. When he asks you "why?" or any other question, replace the question with this: "how does quantum physics change our understanding of relativity and Newtonian physics?" (I'm assuming you're not a physicist here, if you are, try a different question). Every question you think you need to explain, mentally replace with something you actually can't answer. And write your reply accordingly. "Sorry, I don't have an answer" "Sorry, I can't explain". Watch as the world keeps turning and nothing bad happens to you for not explaining.

You don't owe anyone an explanation. You have the right to do whatever you want with your life. Honestly, after 20 years of awful crap it's amazing that you tried dating again and you should be damn proud of yourself for that. This man clearly has no understanding of what you've been through (not because you haven't explained but because he hasn't troubled himself to care enough to take it on board) and he has no respect for your feelings, however kindly he's wording it. You have every right to want to look after your daughters and the part where he suggested you reduce your work hours so you could spend time with him really shows how he doesn't respect you or understand you as a person.

It might sound impossible right now, but as you work on yourself and your assertiveness, one day you won't even feel the need to apologize or explain or even reply to persistent people you want to say no to.
Are there any assertiveness courses running near you or online? I think there are some on YouTube but I haven't got any in my bookmarks right now.

Oh Connie, you poor sweetheart - really I feel for you.

Let's break some of this down a bit more. I think it helps.

Saying I cant explain is something I would never think of saying. I've always HAD to explain
You've not only had to explain. Just telling the truth, without fear, would be easy. But you've had to explain when someone has been already convinced that your explanation isn't true. So it's always an uphill struggle. It's a minefield. You quickly weigh it up - if you tell the truth (you were going to the supermarket to buy food for his supper, but you bumped into your friend and were longer as you had a coffee) - will it be OK? Will he be angry because you spent time with the friend? Will he hate it because he worries the friend will tell you how bad he is? Will he be jealous, and also angry because he didn't hear exactly what you said when you were spilling your thoughts and feelings? Were you poisoning the friend (and possibly wider group) against him, when he wasn't there to tell them how it's all your fault??

You had to explain, but were worried about explaining. Wow. Just think. Now you don't have to explain : D That's great! You don't have to! Nobody is going to hold you to account! Nobody is going to take it wrong and get angry for something perfectly innocent. Nobody is going to make you feel bad, and also sad inside at your situation and how it could and should be so different.

This second guy - if you don't give him an explanation, it doesn't matter You aren't obliged to. You've been fair and nice enough already. Clear conscience. And he isn't close enough to hurt you. So just send the text.

As for writing please don't contact me any more - I agree it's the moment of cutting contact, but I expect he will try to talk you round, whatever you say. So I think maybe what you need to make clear is that this is the end of you contacting him This is it. Last message.

Perhaps you could add:

I'm not going to be in contact any more.

Then whatever he says or does, you've made it clear.

And, you're so welcome to whatever insight I can give you. I do think that lots of people have been through very similar situations, and it really does help to know that there's a crazy pattern here. It's all in fact very mundane. Nothing special. Just standard madness. I'm sorry that you've been subjected to it. But it really is something that you can move away from. The second guy is a good lesson for you, going forward.

I'm not intelligent enough to break things down This made me so sad for you. It's not about intelligence. You've been so overwhelmed by it all, and so in it, for so long, that it was hard to see what was going on. Confusion tactics are part of the pattern. You can't think. You don't know if you're coming or going. You're just in a state of survival. Time doesn't exist. It's hard to reflect and get perspective.

So don't ever, ever be cross with yourself. There's no defence against straight abuse. So you just have to get out. And you have xxxx

As I said way upthread, a general 'not being ready for a relationship', as well as saying you can't explain why, are two ways to open up opportunities for him to find solutions and keep contact with you, as he will think that one day he will hit upon a reason why you aren't ready for a relationship and be the one to solve it. Or he will think if he hangs around long enough, then when you are ready for a relationship, there he will be, ready and waiting.
This is why it's so important to make it more personal, not to be cruel, but to close the door once and for all on any chance of anything between the two of you. You have to tell him firmly that you don't want to be with him and tell him you want no further contact. Of course it's shit it has to come to this, but it's because of him that it has to be that way.

I agree, but as she isn't ever going to read his replies or listen to him again, in a way it doesn't matter what she says. The main thing is no contact. Tbh she's just being polite by telling him. She could just cease to correspond and that's it.