I ended it, but he doesnt want it to be over so it's not :(

[Connie1972xxxx]

Hi,
Some advice would be appreciated. I came out of a long abusive marriage 2 years ago. It took everything I had within me to leave. My exh was/is a nasty man who left me a shell of a person who contemplated suicide regularly. If it wasnt for my DDs I probably wouldn't be here.
My divorce is through but I dont think I've really processed the last 20 years despite counselling.
7 months after leaving I got into a relationship with a man I knew through my hobby. This I now know was stupid of me. It was nice to be shown some attention, have nice conversations with and have our hobby in common. He knew my marriage history and was understanding. He is divorced himself. I didn't realise the impact a relationship would have on me and my girls. At first it was a few drinks or a theatre night but he started wanting more of my time which is nice he wanted to have time with me but I was missing my DDs. The time away didn't feel right. It just started to feel wrong.
I don't like upsetting people so would go along with what he wanted most of the time. My DDs are teens and have friends here but not all the time.
This started to affect my mental health. I work full time so feel like I never stop. I was trying to do everything for the girls, work, see dp.
I ended it in july. I told him my girls need me at the moment. I want to be focused on them. He was upset and couldnt understand my reasons, and still cant. He still calls and texts. Has said I'm not thinking about myself and my future enough. Other people dont have this problem he says. They come up with a solution. He lives in my village. I'm terrified to go out incase I see him. He always asks me to go for a drink when he texts but I say I'm busy with the girls. So I cant go out or he will say I do have time.
My friend tells me to just tell him to sod off. I know this sounds weak but I just cant. Hes a nice man, i cant be horrible to him. But the.nice texts asking me for a drink make me feel pressured. I dont have any feelings for him now. I just want some peace. He still talks like we are together. Texting holidays hes seen that we can go on in the future like this is a temporary break.
I dont know what to do. I feel like I'm.just hurting people. My exh even though I knows hes nasty. And now this man who says "he wont give up on me" .
My DDs deserve a mum to be here. It's still new to them, its just a couple of years. I want to be here for them. I made a massive mistake. I dont know how to put it right.
Thank you if you got this far. Any advice would be appreciated. Help with what I can say so I dont cause any more hurt.

Yep, after next text/email tell him you don't want any more invitations and to stop the messages as they are harassment. Then block him.
He isn't nice, and he is riding roughshod over your wishes.
Go out if you want- he doesn't own your time.

It’s so sad you think he is a nice man People can act nice (when they want things, or when things are going their way, or when it benefits them to be so), it doesn’t mean they are good people.

Could you look into the freedom course? Sorry I don’t know lots about it but I know others on here too.

Why haven’t you blocked him? You don’t have to be “nice” to him - you’ve told him it’s not working for you, that should be the end of it (if he were a decent man), but since he’s basically telling you you don’t know your own mind, tell him you do not want any more contact (don’t wait for response or get into a discussion), block and don’t engage with him again. Contact the police if he persists - it’s harassment.

Im just so disgusted with myself for being in this position after years of abuse. I wanted peace so much. But I'm in turmoil scared to go out.

Please stop blaming yourself op. This is not your fault, neither was your abusive marriage. The women's aid freedom programme might be helpful for you?

Don’t be angry at yourself - it’s these bastard men who are entirely to blame - but do protect yourself in the future so you don’t fall victim to such men in the future.

It's going to be difficult I know OP but you absolutely have to dig deep and tell him no. Ask your friend or people on here to help you craft a polite but very firm message to him, and then block his number.

Have you done the freedom programme? Seeing a counsellor via your GP might also be a good idea. Something you could do right now is Google 'how to be more assertive' and see if you can find some helpful suggestions or strategies.

You owe this man absolutely nothing. He is not being nice by pestering you; he is actually be very selfish and only thinking of what he wants.

I'm not ready for a relationship, I know that now. I just wish I did then. No I'm not scared he would harm me in any way. He just wont give up. All his texts are nice. Asking to do things. He is very persuasive. After I tried to end it I felt I owed him explanations. But when we talked he made my reasons sound stupid and offered solutions like me working less to give me more time. This is why I'm scared to bump into him. I just dont want a conversation. I always came away feeling rubbish.

He is not a nice man. You have every right to end any relationship at any time for whatever reason you want or no fucking reason at all. The fact that he doesnt respect that tells you who he is. Centuries of sexism have made you believe this is your fault and you should be nice but you just need to spell it out to him and get on with your life. If he carries on then contact the police.

I'm in touch with my local domestic abuse charity. I go there. It does similar things to womens aid. I haven't done the freedom programme yet

He's not a nice man. Nice men don't continue to pressure you after you have ended a relationship.

You haven't led him on - you dated him for a while, you weren't happy so you ended it. That's it - and it's perfectly normal!

Send him one message back: Dear X, I have told you clearly that our relationship is over. I do not want to hear from you again and will be blocking your number.

Then block.

I recall when I came out of a 20 year relationship meeting someone who asked me out. I said no. He said he would be asking me again and I only get to say no once.

They are fuckers, those people who manipulate us at our most vulnerable. Say no, mean no. And no need for excuses which leave you a prisoner in your own house. You should go out wherever you want. If he makes a fuss, say it’s him you have no time for, not going out.

Great post Freda. That guy sounds like a complete arse.

You havent led him on at all, you went on a few dates and you have decided you no longer want to go on anymore and thats perfectly fine! You really need to be honest with him and have no contact or it will just drag on and on, he sounds like hard work but you need to tell him.

Talk to your DA charity worker. They will help you get rid of this man.

Someone up thread said he offers solutions because I haven't made it about him. This is probably true. I dont want to be with him or anyone. But he was so hurt when I ended it. He said he couldnt go to work or see anyone. The i had the he wont give up on me and the rest of it. And it hadn't stopped since then. Km worried if I block him.he will come to my house. I'm just not strong enough to deal with that. I'm.just not :(

The reason you're finding it so difficult to close the door on this guy is probably because of the years of abuse.

Do the Freedom Programme. Ask for support with this from the domestic abuse charity you're in touch with. As pp have suggested, send a short message to him stating the relationship ended in July and further contact is not wanted.

He's not a nice man, because he's ignoring your boundaries.

You owe him nothing. You have nothing about which to feel guilty. He is not a nice person to persistently harass you. Send him a final message telling him (not asking) to leave you alone and block. Your years of being abused by your ex have made you believe it’s your fault. It’s not.

Op, you owe this schmuck nothing. He needs to accept your 'no' and leave it at that. Make it one last clear no. Anymore communication ask the police to tell him. Bet he wont try and bamboozle them into anything.

Say 'you are harassing me' and repeat.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I need other people's opinions because I just dont trust my own anymore. I will talk to my DV lady on Tuesday about the freedom programme. I have looked at it online but think I need the group for support really.

Just tell him you're going to block him and that if he contacts you again you will go to the police. Then block him. Save a copy of the message.

I don't think you should block him because then you won't know if he has stopped trying to contact you. (To be clear, I don't think you should answer his calls or reply to his messages).

If you message him once saying that he is never to contact you again in any way, and then he does, and you can show the police those messages, then they can act on that evidence of harassment.

But he was so hurt when I ended it

His feelings are not your responsibility.

If he comes to your house keep the door locked. Call the police.
You are not being kind by stringing him along. Be blunt, tell him it's over and leave you alone. Block him and don't engage.the world is full of these creeps preying on vulnerable women. He will get over it.

Abuse takes all forms. He is disregarding your boundaries. That is coercion.

You have every right to drop him without any explanation at all and just the fact he refuses to get the message is a huge red flag. It may be a different flavour of abuse to what you knew before but that is what it is.

Freedom Programme for you and ask for support from everyone you know (but not him...you owe him nothing). Good luck.

Dating him was not 'leading him on'. You are allowed to date people, then decide it's not working (for any reason) and split up with them. That's what dating is. Stop worrying about his feelings and look after your own wellbeing. If he were really a nice person, he would have accepted that you had ended the relationship.