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Original poster

How to stop MIL bringing food over?

117 replies

Kingtiger101 · 09/10/2019 14:34

When my MIL comes to visit she brings copious amounts of food. Think 3 packets of biscuits, a cake, a tub of bite size treats, a bar of chocolate. These are just 2 hourly visits. She lives about 5 miles away so not overly special visits or anything. She knows I wouldn’t give these to DC so they’re for me. DH doesn’t eat them as he battled obesity as a child. My problem is that I really need to lose weight. Had dc2 10 months ago and I’m still fat. Life is really hard atm and I comfort eat. Which is why I never buy any ‘bad’ food in my online shop. I hate the fact that she brings all this crap into my house. I wish I had the willpower to leave it but nobody else eats it so it is sitting there and then I have a shit time over something and eat it.

Both me and DH have asked her not to do it and she doesn’t for a while (I told her that dc love fruit so she just bought fruit) but then reverts back.

Is there anyway I can stop this permanently? I could just take it to a food bank drop off I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kingtiger101 · 10/10/2019 13:45

I spoke to DH last night. As we’ve already asked her to stop (and she hasn’t) he agreed that best approach is to say thanks for the thought but hand it back explaining we won’t eat it. If she refuses we’ll say we’ll take it to the food bank so it won’t go to waste.

If she continues after that he thinks we should take straight to food bank drop off. I think I’ll go along with this as it is his mum after all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kingtiger101 · 10/10/2019 13:48

I really don’t think she’s consciously being malevolent with all this. I believe her mum was similar so I think it’s learnt behaviour and I think she’s not really up on healthy eating!

OP posts:
mankyfourthtoe · 10/10/2019 14:01

But she refuses biscuits, she wants to feed you

Original poster
Kingtiger101 · 10/10/2019 14:08

I know. It’s fucked up. She obviously does eat biscuits though as she is v overweight! But I don’t think she’s at home plotting how to fatten me up. It’s just a messed up approach to thinking what’s kind / how to show love. I think!

OP posts:
saraclara · 10/10/2019 14:22

My lovely lovely MIL could never visit us without bringing food. She just couldn't. It was one of her ways of showing love, and walking through our door empty handed would have actively made her anxious, I'm sure.

You're not going to change your MIL, and I soon realised that it would be impossible and unkind to try to change mine.
Just stop thinking about it as an issue, and drop things straight to the food bank.
As MIL behaviour goes, it's harmless and comes from a well meaning place.

inwood · 10/10/2019 14:37

My mil brings fresh food, stuffs the fridge with it so it literally can't cope and stuff goes off too quickly. I can't use it all as it kicks up my menu for the week, the freezer is rammed.

We have told her and told her not to, she still does it. It's such a waste of food and money.

The irony is her mum used to do it when she was still alive and she hated it!

JorisBonson · 10/10/2019 15:08

Please feel free to direct MIL to my house. I'm fat and greedy.

Original poster
Kingtiger101 · 10/10/2019 17:12

I think it’s opinions like “it’s harmless” are probably why there is an obesity epidemic in the UK.

OP posts:
saraclara · 10/10/2019 20:18

I think it’s opinions like “it’s harmless” are probably why there is an obesity epidemic in the UK.

It's harmless because she's bringing it to your house and you don't have to eat it. You are totally in control of what happens to it.
If you used her for childcare and she spent all day shoving chocolate biscuits down your children, it wouldn't be harmless, and you'd be right to get annoyed and involved. But that's not what she's doing.

Leave her be. It's something ingrained in her, it's her way of showing she cares. You can't change that, and you can use her gifts for good at the food bank.

PickAChew · 10/10/2019 20:23

I would give it to a food bank, certainly. Even keep a basket labelled "food bank" and put them straight in there in front of her, since she's ignored your requests not to bring the stuff.

Perunatop · 10/10/2019 20:24

Tell her why you and DH will not eat them and give them to a food bank if she leaves them anyway.

KellyHall · 10/10/2019 20:25

Food bank

Church coffee mornings for lonely people/families

Local old people's home

School for the teacher's staff room

Many, many people would be glad to have them, without the need to refuse her kind gesture.

My MIL hardly ever acts like we even exist and only came to visit recently because she'd heard we visited her ex-husband and he'd spolit our dd!

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 10/10/2019 20:49

I wouldn't bin it like a previous poster said, what a waste!!
I'd definitely go with the food bank option if you have one nearby or a drop off point.
If you've told her and she still won't pack it in, it's the only real solution - either that or bin it in front of her so she gets the message but that'd be a total waste and also harsh!
Least foodbank it would go to people who really appreciate or need it

Snog · 10/10/2019 22:59

Don't take it to the food bank, make MIL take it there herself if she doesn't want it back.
She will learn if you train her right 😝

Scott72 · 10/10/2019 23:18

Don't feel guilty about throwing it out. "Better waste than waist" is an expression I've heard. Geez, the poster above who's MiL throws a full on tantrum if the try and refuse the food seems like a bad case. Its almost like they have an eating disorder related not perhaps to feeding themselves, but to feeding others.

saraclara · 10/10/2019 23:20

Nobody has the right to bully anybody else into putting stuff into their own body that they don't want. We all have to start standing up to these bullies, because that's what they are. Realise that the food pusher is the offensive one, and feel empowered to not give a damn about if they get offended by you saying ever more firmly No

FFs @Coffeeandchocolate9 The MIl in this OP isn't bullying anyone. She's not forcing anyone to eat anything, and she's not being offensive.
My MIL was the least interfering, most caring and most kind MIL that anyone could have. But she had a blind spot about food as hospitality and as loving gesture. I tried to stop her bringing stuff because I didn't have room for it and couldn't accommodate it when I was having all the family round. But she couldn't do it. She simply couldn't walk into a family member's house without her tokens of love.

Calling her an offensive bully is ridiculous and nasty. And frankly, if that's the most difficult issue anyone has with their MIL, then they're blessed.

Thehagonthehill · 10/10/2019 23:30

Ask her if it would be quicker if she could take it to the food bank as that will be where it's going.
If she won't then lock it in the boot if your car ,while she's there.She may then get that you're serious and will at least give you pause when she's gone and help you resist until you get it to the food bank.

Scott72 · 10/10/2019 23:32

Calling her a bully is nasty, but if someone has issues with food bringing around unwanted food, despite requests not to, is offensive. But it isn't really malicious. Just throw the food out or maybe take it to a food bank bin soon after she's gone.

Original poster
Kingtiger101 · 11/10/2019 07:44

@saraclara I agree that calling her a bully is completely wrong. Generally she is very kind.

But I don’t agree with you that bringing unhealthy food into my house is a kind gesture. Sure, it would be if I wanted it. But bear in mind my husband was obese as a child and really struggled. I’m not talking a bit overweight here. Now, I am overweight and struggling to cope looking after two kids if I’m honest. I’m severely sleep deprived. I can’t fit in any of my clothes so stuck wearing nursing clothes and feeling like crap. I am desperate to lose weight and I have lost a stone so far. I have explained this to her. I’ve said I have no willpower so to please not bring it (who the fuck does have willpower when you’ve had no sleep and are dealing with a toddler and a baby).

In light of all this, I don’t see it as a kind gesture.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kingtiger101 · 11/10/2019 07:45

I’m not binning any more of it - landfill could do without it. I’ll ask her to take it back next time and explain again. If she persists after that it’ll go to the food bank.

OP posts:
Scott72 · 11/10/2019 11:07

Like I said, eating food you don't really need is actually wasting it. If you have to pick between two forms of waste, throwing it out is the better option.

LongtimeLurker29 · 11/10/2019 11:21

Put them all in a box and save them up until Xmas. Then give them all back in a lovely hamper basket

Heartburn888 · 12/10/2019 21:49

Save it all up and give it back to her in the form of a sweet treat Xmas hamper.

Heartburn888 · 12/10/2019 21:50

@LongtimeLurker29 great minds 😂😂😂

Majorcollywobble · 12/10/2019 22:04

I do this myself but don’t take chocolate or anything unhealthy. It’s mainly something like a favourite recipe they like that they can just reheat for dinner as they both work full time and I’m retired . I am guilty of taking toilet rolls , liquid soap and cat food . Maybe something to wear for the grandson. Depends where I shop . I think I do it to feel useful still . So far have never had anything but a genuine show of thanks . But your post makes me think that maybe it’s a bit intrusive .

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