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Original poster

How to stop MIL bringing food over?

117 replies

Kingtiger101 · 09/10/2019 14:34

When my MIL comes to visit she brings copious amounts of food. Think 3 packets of biscuits, a cake, a tub of bite size treats, a bar of chocolate. These are just 2 hourly visits. She lives about 5 miles away so not overly special visits or anything. She knows I wouldn’t give these to DC so they’re for me. DH doesn’t eat them as he battled obesity as a child. My problem is that I really need to lose weight. Had dc2 10 months ago and I’m still fat. Life is really hard atm and I comfort eat. Which is why I never buy any ‘bad’ food in my online shop. I hate the fact that she brings all this crap into my house. I wish I had the willpower to leave it but nobody else eats it so it is sitting there and then I have a shit time over something and eat it.

Both me and DH have asked her not to do it and she doesn’t for a while (I told her that dc love fruit so she just bought fruit) but then reverts back.

Is there anyway I can stop this permanently? I could just take it to a food bank drop off I suppose.

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 09/10/2019 15:49

I find the cognitive trick of saying 'I don't eat those things' works really vs telling myself I can't have something.

So the conversation would go, "Oh, lovely, thanks MIL, but we don't eat those sorts of things in this house. Do you want to take them back, or shall I give them to a food bank?"

I think don't is also more effective than 'won't' or 'can't' to telling other people. I would suggest that she brings some kind of fancy tea or coffee if you drink them, then coo theatrically over those.

DarlingNikita · 09/10/2019 15:52

in fact on more than one occassion they have tucked in to their own food whe they know i have invited them for a meal
What do you say when this happens? Or do you just sit and watch them eat their own food, then stew over it?

Handing it back to her when she leaves or just refusing it isn't an option (we've tried) because she starts shouting and crying, then will literally march back in and fling it on the side
So lock the door after she goes out. Let her shout and cry on the doorstep.

Or just stop having her round. What a loon.

BeyondMyWits · 09/10/2019 16:00

We have a charity bag (Tesco's hessian type bag) at the front door that we put things in for the next doorstep collection, or to take to the food bank.

Last month I took the MIL offering (cake in a box, shortbread biscuits - a massive tin of them!) - she has diabetes, I am fat and dieting, and DH doesn't eat that stuff, and put it straight in there saying "the food bank will be delighted", and we left it at that.

This week she brought us flowers - which were delightful, and much appreciated.

Skinnychip · 09/10/2019 16:05

DarlingNikita
The first time it happened my own parents were there and they also thought it was quite rude so they just expressed (probably in an OTT way!!) how amazing the meal i had cooked was. The next times i was used to it and i remind them in a sarcastic/jokey way that their DS and GC are alive and well after x years of my cooking, and they laugh and say they only brought whatever food they are eating because it needed using up, or some such excuse.
I always think i will take my own food next time i go to theirs but have never had the balls to do it!

gingersausage · 09/10/2019 16:06

You are a grown woman with your own house and your own children and you are letting her walk all over you and dictate what comes into your house. Why? I bet she doesn’t do it when your husband is there.

I understand that you can’t change her but you can change you. Why are you so worried about upsetting or offending her? She doesn’t give a shit how she makes you feel does she? Just bloody bin it, in front of her if necessary. Tell her you don’t eat junk food and you don’t want her piles of processed shite in your house and dump it in the bin. She might get the message then.

DarlingNikita · 09/10/2019 16:06

What about if you said, 'The point of inviting you to eat here is that I cook for you!'

lottiegarbanzo · 09/10/2019 16:18

Get it straight out of the house.

Then tell her you're doing that.

Original poster
Kingtiger101 · 09/10/2019 19:27

Some really helpful replies thank you! I think all I could cope with is either the drop off point at my local supermarket or giving to DH to take to work.

But, I’m feeling emboldened and will try and return them to her next time she’s here in a polite way. If I do and I remember I will update the thread!

I don’t think she’s trying to sabotage my diet as such but she clearly has an issue with food. She is overweight. She NEVER accepts the offer of a biscuit (from the stacks she brings over - I used to buy a pack in advance of a visit but stopped as she always says no). And she is visibly passive aggressive if I say no to a treat at hers eg rolls her eyes. It’s all this stuff that makes me want to say something as the gesture of giving food while overtly generous has undertones of control.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kingtiger101 · 09/10/2019 19:29

@Skinnychip Christ your situation sounds far worse. You have put mine in perspective Flowers but definitely not CakeGrin

OP posts:
readingismycardio · 09/10/2019 19:30

I think she tries to be nice, but I see your point. Give it to a food bank, someone will be really happy about it!

Original poster
Kingtiger101 · 09/10/2019 19:33

Yeah I know that’s my other thought/dilemma. It would be nice knowing someone somewhere was getting it and happy about it. And in truth I don’t want anything...I hate clutter / excess / waste etc and she seems to love it! So the bad food would probably turn into other stuff I don’t need. Hmmm.

OP posts:
managedmis · 09/10/2019 19:35

So she's a feeder and wants you to be fat

I'd be angry at her, not cutting her any slack with this faux politeness

Could you jokingly block her at the door, saying no sweets no sweets!! And refuse entry? Make light of it, but insist? Repeat ad nauseum that you're dieting?

user1573334 · 09/10/2019 19:38

My MIL is similar, she is absolutely amazing for bringing home cooked meals, but she also brings 3 courses of desserts! If I say no to the children to cake number 2 she says, mummy said no, but it you finish that piece you can have a trifle sweetheart, if mummy says that's ok. Hmm. When I have been dieting and specifically asked if she could only being one item for the children if she must, because I can't resist it when it is in the cupboards she has just told me I need to find more willpower! Food Bank seems the best option but I know I'd still cave.

Original poster
Kingtiger101 · 09/10/2019 19:44

Ha! That reminds me of when they came to dinner last and I asked if she’d bring dessert - of course she couldn’t just bring one!

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 09/10/2019 19:44

This is my MIL...Xmasday is the worst. We agree what she will bring eg the pudding and table crackers. But she will also bring an entire cheeseboard and savoury biscuits, homemade trifle, two tins of chocolate biscuits, 2 boxes of chocolates plus after eights, and wine. I know it’s done out of generosity but it’s such a waste of food and money. P,us ive wasted time and money on the things I’ve bought

Original poster
Kingtiger101 · 09/10/2019 19:46

The treats aren’t aimed at the kids at least - they’re at the posher end of treats! If it was being foisted on my kids I’d put my foot down. They’re both under 3 so I think she’s restrained but now I think about it it might be best to nip this in the bud now before my girls are older.

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 09/10/2019 19:48

It also makes me feel like she thinks,I’m a substandard host. I am sure she doesn’t mean to make me feel like that, but the underlying message to me is that she doesn’t think I will be organised enough.

Skinnychip · 09/10/2019 20:29

It also makes me feel like she thinks,I’m a substandard host. I am sure she doesn’t mean to make me feel like that, but the underlying message to me is that she doesn’t think I will be organised enough.

I feel a bit like this. My MIL always brings marigolds and an apron and likes to start "pottering" eg trying to clear up/rearrange my stuff. The unspoken message I'm getting is that my house is not clean/tidy enough and that i make shit food, whether she thats the message she intends to give is anyones guess. She once gave us as xmas presents (me -perfume and a shower cap, DH - a mop) my Dsis said oh she thinks you smell and your house is dirty!!! 😂😂
Despite all this we do get on reasonably well most of the time when i can eithstand the control freakery

mankyfourthtoe · 09/10/2019 21:29

Can you leave them in the bag, then as she's about to walk out the door, put them in her hands.
If she gives them back just go put them in your car while she's watching.

But tbh she's not being nice, I think she'd like you to be larger than her

lovelygreenjumper · 10/10/2019 10:42

@MrsGrindah- yes, this sort of behaviour is at its worst at Xmas isn't it. My MIL always brings some sort of frozen desert (that she defrosts at hers the night before) that is never touched at lunch time as she won't have any if no one else does and we are all too full. But she will not leave the house until we have eaten it so we end up serving it up at about 5pm just to get rid of her!

ScatteredMama82 · 10/10/2019 10:47

I have a similar problem. What's annoying is her refusal to listen, when you have clearly said you would prefer she didn't. She's doing it to make herself feel good, and to hell with what you want. I'd hand her it in a bag as she leaves and say 'thanks, but you know I don't want them to go to waste so please give them to the foodbank' or something like that. If you keep accepting them, even if you do send them to work with your DH, you're just letting her carry on with it.

Teddybear45 · 10/10/2019 10:50

Be honest. Just tell her you’re dieting and having all these treats around is affecting your will power. Don’t ask her to substitute the food for anything else. As you aren’t her child she should understand.

Rainbowknickers · 10/10/2019 11:02

I had this with my in-laws but it was me taking my home made cakes to them (192 miles apart)
My fil loved me for it but my mil took me to one side and asked me to stop due to his health issues/lack of willpower
I did and now only bake for birthdays
I know that if I’d ignored her and carried on she would have just binned what I’d made and it would have caused rows between them which is the last thing I want

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 10/10/2019 11:19

The passive aggressive shite that people do to foist food onto other people who it will harm is ridiculous.

People facilitate other people doing it too. I remember breaking my leg and every lb I was already overweight by I had to carry on one leg - I was keen to lose not gain! My mother hanged up with an elderly relative we hardly ever saw to over feed me cake, 3 big slices in one sitting I mean what the hell?! We "compromised" by my mother suggesting I take it home in a Tupperware- I threw it out when I got home. She thought I was very rude to politely decline cake Confused

Nobody has the right to bully anybody else into putting stuff into their own body that they don't want. We all have to start standing up to these bullies, because that's what they are. Realise that the food pusher is the offensive one, and feel empowered to not give a damn about if they get offended by you saying ever more firmly NO.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 10/10/2019 11:28

Food Bank seems the best option but I know I'd still cave.

(Yes you do need to find more willpower - to stand up to her and say "I told you No" Wink )

If this were me (and I don't have willpower, I am very overweight so it WOULD be me) if I could get straight to the food bank straight after she visited - I mean getting into the car to go the second she was driving down the road - I would food bank it all, but if I couldn't I would bin it and spoil the food - eg open the packets into ther bin and squeeze bleach or squirt surface cleaner over it. I know that's a tremendous waste but it's worse for it to go into my body and get carried around by me as fat. Excess food going into our bodies is still waste, it's just the socially acceptable version of the bin. Except that it's us that literally carry the price of it. No. No way am I doing that for biscuits I didn't even really want.