Insane jealousy

[outherealone]

I have issues around jealousy and I know it comes from my traumatic childhood. I try very hard not to show it in my relationship but every now and then something crops up and it preoccupies me and I don’t know how to address it if at all. I’m having therapy and the focus is on healing my past and trying to build up my self esteem .
I’m not sure if I should even be in a relationship because if this and I’m not sure what is worth getting in a state over and what’s just my overactive imagination.
I know that my bf is still in contact with all his exes and flings. When he’s on his phone I try not to look but I can’t help myself and I don’t like doing it but it’s like a compulsion. when he’s scrolling through messages I see various women’s names crop up in his recent messages. Often it’s a particular ex (just good friends) but other exes too as well as other women friends. Every time I look there are some of these women in the list.
He doesn’t show me I just do very indiscreet panic straining my eyes and neck whilst trying to appear nonchalant
Obviously I can’t see the content of the messages but it always makes me feel weird. This weekend we went away and had an awesome time and we got back and he was was messaging a friend and then clicked back to the main message page and I saw the name of the girl before me (ten years younger and very attractive) before we’d got together he’d said how gorgeous and funny and clever she is and how she’d ticked all his boxes but she’d kept blowing hot and cold so they ended it.
The message was clearly very recent. I had no idea they were still in contact.
I have done some paranoid checking of her social media and she posts very sexy videos and photos of herself, has an amazing figure, always showing off her body and is very ‘hot’ , clever and funny, just like he said.
she gets a lot of ‘likes’ and attention and sometimes my bf has ‘liked’ her stuff.
My imagination is going into overdrive about what their messages might entail and I don’t feel I can ask him without it sounding like me being controlling.
I have asked about exes in the past when he’s not been forthcoming about their presence at events where he is and I don’t want to become an interrogator.
Later on he was flicking through his social media and I saw posts from her personal and business pages pop up. I asked him who she is as she often crops up as people I might know and he said he’d been seeing her briefly before me and then changed the subject immediately. It felt a bit awkward but I’m not sure if the awkwardness was because he didn’t like me questioning him rather than anything suspect...
We get on well and he’s lovely in lots of ways. We don’t live near each other but plan to later on. I have been undergoing some physical problems lately with my disability and have put on weight and unable to exercise. Recently I have noticed him checking out other women, which in itself is not a problem but he’s being much less discreet than usual , literally turning his head to look and look back as he’s walking rather than a quick glance (like the oft-used meme of the guy looking behind at another woman while his partner is next to him looking pissed off if you know the one I mean!)
I am probably waffling and sounding a bit mad but it’s really playing on my mind. I don’t like feeling this way at all, it’s tiring and time consuming and I’m too old for it!
I don’t want to end the relationship because of my anxiety and paranoia but at the same time it’s clearly doing me no good being like this.
I’m scared I’m going to be like this forever and unable to sustain any normal relationship. Through therapy it transpires that I’m exactly mirroring my mums jealous and paranoid behaviour and I’ve seen the pathological jealousy in my sister too, it’s very destructive and soul destroying being in this constant state of panic.

I dated a guy who checked out another woman on our first proper date . I called him out . He begged for another chance .

It was never going to work . I lost all respect or motivation to pursue the matter , met him up and had a good night out a few times but ended it .

He also had some other woman who kept ringing him , he told me she was an ex who he sometimes still fucked when he was lonely, but he wanted to be in a long term relationship / marriage now .

I liked the honesty on that but not exactly relationship material ! I married someone else of course .

I don’t think a woman should take anything less than being number one all the time in her OHs eyes . No one wants to live their relationship wondering what their OH is up to everyday .

Life is stressful enough without that kind of mind fuck

I think I went through a bit of this for a while. About 8 years ago.
I began to feel mentally unhinged. I felt I was reading a book about emotional abuse and that it was about me, being unstable.
I got girls big knickers on and dumped him.
Thank goodness I had the emotional intelligence to do it. I'm not saying it was easy to do so, far from it. But I could only see it getting worse.
He begged to come back but I stood my ground. It would have got worse. The writing was on the wall.
Please don't be afraid to get this controller out of your life. You'll thank yourself in the long run.
Hindsight is a scary relief.
Take care

That’s a really bad reason to get cosmetic surgery/procedures. If there’s something you don’t like that will make you feel better go for it, but don’t expect a bit of botox is going to change your life. It won’t make you appealing. It may make you come across as more insecure about your age & looks than you actually are

I’m amazed at the amount of posters who are not telling me it’s all in my head! I was expecting a very different response to this thread.

If you were in my shoes how would you address this? What would you say in order to get your point across without getting upset and sounding like it’s your mental health that’s causing an issue?

Op I know this really isn't what you want to hear but from what I know of this man and the context; I think the only real solution is for you to end the relationship - and I do think it's possible for you to meet someone else for a good relationship sooner or later. I know women who've met good partners, and remarried a lot older than you. Op please don't take the pessimistic view that it's not possible, and also please don't stay in this relationship that's not making you happy because it's not as bad as outright abusive relationships you've experienced.

And the fact that it's maki v you unhappy is totally reasonable to me; I'm a fairly confident, never been cheated on (that I know of!) woman and I wouldn't be happy in this relationship, with this guy's behaviour.

If you want to give him/it a chance, and try talking about it (though you probably have already to some extent?) ... I personally wouldn't go in talking about mental health etc. I would just be very clear and firm that his level of contact with former GFS/flames/flings makes you uncomfortable. That is enough - that is completely ok and justified. You don't need to say anything more.

I suppose you could sag that you fully understand he'll bump into them at festivals & gigs and want to be civil - but there's a large gap between being civil/"passing yourself" when you bump into someone and between being in very regular contact, involved in their social media etc.

He's going to say they're only friends; you can say there are levels of friendship; and the level that's appropriate when these people are exes/flings and you're in a relationship with someone - should be fairly minimal.

You don't have to get into endless, deeper justifications and debates; it's perfectly ok for you not to be comfortable with something (which many people wouldn't be, I wouldn't) and just let it stand at that, it's enough. You have that right.

Also please dont get Botox be ause this man is making you feel insecure (even if not intentionally) with his contact with a group of younger party girls.

Personally I don't think it makes most people look better, it makes them look like a wax work.
Also you're probably too young for it and I doubt you need it.
It's expensive and think of the lovely things you could do and have memories of with your kids instead of spending the money on that.

Lastly, he shouldn't matter all that much; but clearly he's attracted to you and wanted a relationship with you without it.

Likewise only lose weight if it's for your health and your own happiness. There's no point in trying to compete with young people and you wouldn't be feeling you had to in a good relationship.

Did you say you became ill/disabled after the start of this relationship? If you have been suppressing feelings because you believe your thinking is flawed, and because you don't want your issues to be the thing that kills this relationship, could that have made you ill do you think? Suppressing feelings is an immense strain and that really isn't healthy.

It sounds as though, because you are aware of the effect of your childhood on your thinking, you are hesitant to question his behaviour because you believe that your feelings about how he behaves are coming from your own issues, and that they are not a real and valid reaction to how he actually behaves. And also, the strength of your feelings is the thing that feels so awful as it's frightening and extreme and takes you back to the hideous feelings growing up.

And it may be a bit of both - your issues AND his behaviour. But he still behaves in this way (lots of women wouldn't be happy with it). And both you and he think that he has a right to do so. And that's fine, but it's not suitable for you. And also, you don't really believe it's acceptable.

Whatever your own insecurities and issues with jealousy are, that does not take away from the truth - that openly checking out other women in front of you is at best rude and disrespectful, (at worst designed to make you feel needy and jealous).

You can't sustain living like this though. A relationship needs to make you feel better about yourself, not worse.

I hope you can talk to him and things can change, but I think he has his own issues which cause him to need to be like this. And the fact he has been constantly telling you horrible tales about jealous women, about unfaithful women, really sets you up to be really trying to make sure you're not one of those women... to the point of feeling afraid to stand up for your own needs.

At least talking to him might help you decide - does it concern him that you're going through this mental torture? Does he want to do everything he can to make sure you feel like the most important priority in his life? Or is he adamant that he must be able to do as he wants and that you should just have faith he's not doing anything untoward?

Even if he's not doing anything 'wrong' the way he behaves is something you don't like, and that is ok. If it makes you uncomfortable, then it just does. It may mean you are not compatible. And you could just say that.

So sorry, I would rather be peacefully single than be going through this

I'm afraid I don't think he's going to change though - he may do it temporarily and then creep back, or he may just hide it more as you say. I think this harem without physical contact (if that's truly the case) has become his norm and is important to him. I doubt he'll drop it; if ever he was to develop
as a person and do so now would be the time, with a partner he supposedly loves, cares about etc. Bit I have a feeling he won't, which makes him shit relationship material. I'm really not sure what sort of woman could put up with this. Maybe one who acts the same and perhaps sees him as an economic resource/networking contact as much as anything.

You also hit the nail on the head when you said he lives the live of a (much) younger man ...

He's got a bit of a party lifestyle. That wouldn't be compatible with many many people past their 20s (if even then) and really doesn't seem compatible with a mum of a couple of kids; esp if your relationship becomes mote serious.

The reason do many if his exes are younger is because of that very fact! He apparently had no objection to going out with women around his own age .. so his relationship history with you get women is partly because that's who he's meeting .... He's not meeting many people his own age. If that doesn't highlight the fact that his lifestyle is unusual and it's not your issue that you don't gel with it, what does?

There's something a bit icky about someone who's hanging out with mostly younger people .. it indicates something about them and it's bit generally positive. Usually points to them being poorly adjusted and not mentally or emotionally mature for their age, wanting to be a part pan.

• not generally

Also you said his family (young adult children) are now part of the lifestyle and they all get drunk, high etc together - his is that compatible with you and your younger children going forward into a serious relationship.

Even if they weren't, tbh people like that can become v tiresome and annoying v quickly.

*how

Thank you so much everyone for your input and time into this issue. I’m going to see him tonight and I am going to have to address this stuff. His reaction will tell me everything I need to know. I have a strong feeling it’s going to be denial and minimising. I can’t go on like this but I also can’t end it without at least expressing how I feel. I have great trepidation and wish I could just end it coldly without further discussion but I feel I have to face it head on and see and hear his responses. It’s twisting me up inside and my life is a lot of pressure, he’s the easiest thing to eliminate...

I have had pain/disability for years but am currently in a particularly bad flare up.

Good luck.