Insane jealousy

[outherealone]

I have issues around jealousy and I know it comes from my traumatic childhood. I try very hard not to show it in my relationship but every now and then something crops up and it preoccupies me and I don’t know how to address it if at all. I’m having therapy and the focus is on healing my past and trying to build up my self esteem .
I’m not sure if I should even be in a relationship because if this and I’m not sure what is worth getting in a state over and what’s just my overactive imagination.
I know that my bf is still in contact with all his exes and flings. When he’s on his phone I try not to look but I can’t help myself and I don’t like doing it but it’s like a compulsion. when he’s scrolling through messages I see various women’s names crop up in his recent messages. Often it’s a particular ex (just good friends) but other exes too as well as other women friends. Every time I look there are some of these women in the list.
He doesn’t show me I just do very indiscreet panic straining my eyes and neck whilst trying to appear nonchalant
Obviously I can’t see the content of the messages but it always makes me feel weird. This weekend we went away and had an awesome time and we got back and he was was messaging a friend and then clicked back to the main message page and I saw the name of the girl before me (ten years younger and very attractive) before we’d got together he’d said how gorgeous and funny and clever she is and how she’d ticked all his boxes but she’d kept blowing hot and cold so they ended it.
The message was clearly very recent. I had no idea they were still in contact.
I have done some paranoid checking of her social media and she posts very sexy videos and photos of herself, has an amazing figure, always showing off her body and is very ‘hot’ , clever and funny, just like he said.
she gets a lot of ‘likes’ and attention and sometimes my bf has ‘liked’ her stuff.
My imagination is going into overdrive about what their messages might entail and I don’t feel I can ask him without it sounding like me being controlling.
I have asked about exes in the past when he’s not been forthcoming about their presence at events where he is and I don’t want to become an interrogator.
Later on he was flicking through his social media and I saw posts from her personal and business pages pop up. I asked him who she is as she often crops up as people I might know and he said he’d been seeing her briefly before me and then changed the subject immediately. It felt a bit awkward but I’m not sure if the awkwardness was because he didn’t like me questioning him rather than anything suspect...
We get on well and he’s lovely in lots of ways. We don’t live near each other but plan to later on. I have been undergoing some physical problems lately with my disability and have put on weight and unable to exercise. Recently I have noticed him checking out other women, which in itself is not a problem but he’s being much less discreet than usual , literally turning his head to look and look back as he’s walking rather than a quick glance (like the oft-used meme of the guy looking behind at another woman while his partner is next to him looking pissed off if you know the one I mean!)
I am probably waffling and sounding a bit mad but it’s really playing on my mind. I don’t like feeling this way at all, it’s tiring and time consuming and I’m too old for it!
I don’t want to end the relationship because of my anxiety and paranoia but at the same time it’s clearly doing me no good being like this.
I’m scared I’m going to be like this forever and unable to sustain any normal relationship. Through therapy it transpires that I’m exactly mirroring my mums jealous and paranoid behaviour and I’ve seen the pathological jealousy in my sister too, it’s very destructive and soul destroying being in this constant state of panic.

[DarlingBuds19]

He's chilled out and secure - you're not.

More like he's chilled out & secure because he's got his little harem of exes and former flings in constant contact and thinks he has 'back up" and need not be lonely and devastated if things were to go pear shaped with op. Likewise he's not bothered by her saying the above because he knows it's in response to his behaviour that's she's even mentioning it (and/or he doesn't care deeply as above). Probably mainly that he knows he had her where he wants her with a side helping of indifference/stoicism due to his own set up.

[DarlingBuds19]

Also few people would be chilled out at their partner being in fairly constant contact with their exes and flings, liking their sexy SM pics, getting trashed with them at festivals etc. This isn't op's issue, it's his behaviour.

[DarlingBuds19]

I suspect this guy and his cheating mate with the "crazy" gf have more in common than op realises; he's just good at the nice guy thing.

He's just so nice and chilled and sweet - so nice he feels compelled to like and comment in his younger former fling's SM attention seeking sexy pics.

As I said in my first post, there are just "too many queens in the castle" with these guys.

[outherealone]

@darlingbuds yes I did, was obviously building up to this panic state!

[outherealone]

@DarlingBuds19 I suppose they still crave the bond/connection with a down to earth, 'real' person who is a peer and had equal life experience etc. - because the you g glamourous ones were easy on the eye, sexy, fun etc but they find something lacking relationship-wise (young women can be very flaky etc. I know, I was myself) .... Yet when they get into a potentially deeper, more stable, rounded relationship; that's not enough either - they still want the fun, excitement, flirtation, overt sexiness, carefree-ness, hedonism etc.

That makes me really sad as I kinda thought we had that anyway but there’s nothing like the exuberance, tight toned fit bodies, unlined faces and non grey roots of youth! I never thought I’d be one of those middle aged women mourning the beauty and freedom of her youth
It makes me feel really sad that most likely because of my traumatic childhood and fractured family that I’ll never experience a real safe and stable long term relationship where my partner is genuinely my best friend and I’ll be able to trust everything they say.

[BeeHopeful]

That's not at all impossible - it's hard bloody work but it is entirely possible to experience trauma and then go on to trust someone. The key is being able to let go and decide to be open to trust in the first place but most importantly that your partner is compatible in such a way that enables you to trust him. That could mean listening when you say that his level of contact with other women and exes is damaging your relationship, and making changes.

If his reaction is to say "sorry about that, I'll just hide it better" or "this is me, like it or lump it", you have a decision to make.

Clearly you can't continue this way and be happy. Why not speak to him, openly and honestly, and explain that change is needed? I would be open that this is in order to build a strong relationship and if he won't listen, the relationship will need to end.

I really feel for you. I have a really hard time knowing what's "ok" and what's not in a relationship after years of abuse. Do you have any counselling? Once I found the right counsellor, I've found it really liberating. Maybe it could help?

[Perunatop]

You need a partner who is not still in touch with all his exes, which is weird. It means that their relationship has not properly ended. Get rid and perhaps stay single for a while.

[DarlingBuds19]

yes I did, was obviously building up to this panic state!

Ah, I think I thought you should end it then too - sorry. Hi s lifestyle seemed incompatible with most people over the age of .. 30 (?) and incompatible with yours (your kids aren't all that old, are they?) Also you agreed that, now that his young adult kids are joining his lifestyle (inc quite a lot of drinking and drug taking) that his entire family/setup was probably not the ideal thing to be subjecting your potentially easily influenced kids/teenagers if you got closer & more involved.

I know you have feelings here, like him etc. but he just sounds like he's a bit of a Peter Pan, man-child, partyer type (a well heeled, successful, attractive one no doubt). You'd need to be a similarly hard partier, hedonist, party girl type to cope in a close relationship with him .. and you said you weren't really that type, not even due to having young-ish kids - but just in general.

It was also fairly uncomfortable dealing with him, hanging out with all his younger conquests at gigs and festivals, let alone what you're describing now - him in regular contact with them, liking their glam shots on SM etc.

[DarlingBuds19]

I'm sure he's great in many ways, but seriously he just doesn't sound like relationship material for the vast majority of women.

In your earlier post you were uncomfortable; now you seem much more so - stressed and almost climbing the walls; this relationship, this guy really does not seem to be doing your happiness and mental health much good.

It's not you; I couldn't put up with what you're describing (and I've never even been knowingly cheated on).

[DarlingBuds19]

*His lifestyle seemed incompatible with most people over the age of .. 30 (?)

Should add; that's if someone hasn't got kids, if they did it would obviously be incompatible with that person under 30

[DarlingBuds19]

You'd need to be a similarly hard partier, hedonist, party girl type to cope in a close relationship with him

Should also add (!) you'd need to be a party girl with a 'natural jealousy and boundaries' lobotomy - in order to tolerate his carousel of younger party girl "close friends" he gets high with/socialises with/is in constant contact with.

[DarlingBuds19]

That makes me really sad as I kinda thought we had that anyway but there’s nothing like the exuberance, tight toned fit bodies, unlined faces and non grey roots of youth! I never thought I’d be one of those middle aged women mourning the beauty and freedom of her youth sad

Well it's just my theory ..

And when I said carefreeness, hedonism, fun etc I wasn't really referring to the age of the 'companion' or looks .... it's just that when you get past youth, have kids etc. you are much less likely to be totally carefree and hedonistic. (For one thing you've probably only got baby sitters for a limited time and are aware you can't get too fked up because you'll.be in duty with demanding kids in x hours time). Also being past youth, having kids etc makes most people less .. frivolous I suppose.

But to me his lifestyle is not just about the looks, it's the attitude .. he can do that because his ex has (presumably) been the resident parent and now that his kids are young adults he can party with them (which I think has it's own issues, but that's another story thread).

Thing is, aside from not being able to live that lifestyle, many people over a certain age wouldn't actually want to live that lifestyle. It says something significant about him that he does. It would've been nice to think that his relationship with you had heralded a change, but it really doesn't seem so. He just seems to want it both ways.

[TheMistressQuickly]

I think you’ve done well to keep your cool! I couldn’t tolerate this - it would drive me insane and I’d have to tell him straight that it’s not on.

He sounds like an absolute creep and I doubt those messages are innocent. Sorry x

[Scott72]

There are personality disorders which make people prone to jealousy and suspicion. Their brain keeps feeding their conscious mind false signals that people are losing interest in or cheating on them, which they have to spend a lot of energy sifting through and trying to judge the veracity of. I don't think you have such a disorder, but maybe tendencies towards it. He does sound like a great fun guy, but unfortunately perhaps not the best one for you.

[outherealone]

Thank you so much everyone for your input. So much food for thought here. I’m definitely going to have the conversation with him. I’ve spent tonight with a friend and she’s part of that whole music party festival crowd (she’s a Dj) and she’s pretty much mirrored what most of y’all are saying. It’s difficult as I don’t like confrontation and I don’t want to end the fun bits but when it’s making me feel insecure and frankly shit then it’s got to be addressed or elderly with. I have no disposable income but I have been looking at Botox and desperately dieting to try and be more appealing.
I really appreciate and value your thoughts and am grateful that nobody is minimising my experience, regardless of whether or not you agree with me.

[outherealone]

@Scott72 I agree and was brought up in this environment of jealousy, cheating and suspicion, it’s sad but it’s really shaped the person I am today, hence my having therapy to try and change these automatic responses.

[outherealone]

@TheMistressQuickly I wish I could do confrontation better.

[outherealone]

@DarlingBuds19 you’ve been amazing on this thread. If you were in my shoes how would you address this? What would you say in order to get your point across without getting upset and sounding like it’s your mental health that’s causing an issue?

[WhenPushComesToShove]

OP you DON'T have to change (Botox) to be loved. You are good enough as you are and if someone is really going to cheat on you/mess you around because you have a few lines (which I like to call character) then they are definitely not worth it. You can't make someone love you or love you more because you have less lines for goodness sake! Just be you. Confidence is very attractive. Fake it 'til you make it and don't waste time with shallow people. I mean this kindly as you are worthy of love just as you are

[outherealone]

@WhenPushComesToShove thank you. I have no self esteem at the moment but I also realise that pumping up my face or losing a stone or whatever is not going to help this relationship

[1forAll74]

What is the point of being jealous about this awful man,and his many women friends.no point at all. If you were to meet a genuinely decent guy. most of your worries about anxiety and being jealous.would probably disappear.

[outherealone]

@1forAll74 I don’t think I could handle another man. Especially if this one turns out to be a cunt. There’s only so much one person can take.

[Iflyaway]

BendyLikeBeckham has the gist of it....

Is this relationship making you happy? Or is it creating angst, pain, hurt, headfuckery, suspicion, misery?That is your answer.

He has you like a carrot in front of a stick.

Talks about "a Future" while his record is not exactly wonderful (multiple women, kids).

Keeps in touch with numerous women that he has had affairs(?) with.

Blatantly checks out other women while out with you. How disrespectful.

Condoms, Van, Festivals. Says it all to me.

Have you had an STI check? (There are STIs that condoms do not prevent, like Herpes).