Insane jealousy

[outherealone]

I have issues around jealousy and I know it comes from my traumatic childhood. I try very hard not to show it in my relationship but every now and then something crops up and it preoccupies me and I don’t know how to address it if at all. I’m having therapy and the focus is on healing my past and trying to build up my self esteem .
I’m not sure if I should even be in a relationship because if this and I’m not sure what is worth getting in a state over and what’s just my overactive imagination.
I know that my bf is still in contact with all his exes and flings. When he’s on his phone I try not to look but I can’t help myself and I don’t like doing it but it’s like a compulsion. when he’s scrolling through messages I see various women’s names crop up in his recent messages. Often it’s a particular ex (just good friends) but other exes too as well as other women friends. Every time I look there are some of these women in the list.
He doesn’t show me I just do very indiscreet panic straining my eyes and neck whilst trying to appear nonchalant
Obviously I can’t see the content of the messages but it always makes me feel weird. This weekend we went away and had an awesome time and we got back and he was was messaging a friend and then clicked back to the main message page and I saw the name of the girl before me (ten years younger and very attractive) before we’d got together he’d said how gorgeous and funny and clever she is and how she’d ticked all his boxes but she’d kept blowing hot and cold so they ended it.
The message was clearly very recent. I had no idea they were still in contact.
I have done some paranoid checking of her social media and she posts very sexy videos and photos of herself, has an amazing figure, always showing off her body and is very ‘hot’ , clever and funny, just like he said.
she gets a lot of ‘likes’ and attention and sometimes my bf has ‘liked’ her stuff.
My imagination is going into overdrive about what their messages might entail and I don’t feel I can ask him without it sounding like me being controlling.
I have asked about exes in the past when he’s not been forthcoming about their presence at events where he is and I don’t want to become an interrogator.
Later on he was flicking through his social media and I saw posts from her personal and business pages pop up. I asked him who she is as she often crops up as people I might know and he said he’d been seeing her briefly before me and then changed the subject immediately. It felt a bit awkward but I’m not sure if the awkwardness was because he didn’t like me questioning him rather than anything suspect...
We get on well and he’s lovely in lots of ways. We don’t live near each other but plan to later on. I have been undergoing some physical problems lately with my disability and have put on weight and unable to exercise. Recently I have noticed him checking out other women, which in itself is not a problem but he’s being much less discreet than usual , literally turning his head to look and look back as he’s walking rather than a quick glance (like the oft-used meme of the guy looking behind at another woman while his partner is next to him looking pissed off if you know the one I mean!)
I am probably waffling and sounding a bit mad but it’s really playing on my mind. I don’t like feeling this way at all, it’s tiring and time consuming and I’m too old for it!
I don’t want to end the relationship because of my anxiety and paranoia but at the same time it’s clearly doing me no good being like this.
I’m scared I’m going to be like this forever and unable to sustain any normal relationship. Through therapy it transpires that I’m exactly mirroring my mums jealous and paranoid behaviour and I’ve seen the pathological jealousy in my sister too, it’s very destructive and soul destroying being in this constant state of panic.

[DarlingBuds19]

*likes

[DarlingBuds19]

There's also that, aside from him seeming like crap relationship material, it takes a particular type of person to have a successful relationship with someone (significantly?) younger (and I'm referring to males and females there, I've tried to have relationships with older men for example, who were clearly insecure about it and it really affected the relationship) .... You may not be suited to having a relationship with someone younger, on top.of everything else.

That's no criticism of you, it's v common and it may be less stressful and more likely to be to be successful if you get involved with someone closer in age. (Presiming they're a decent partner of course).

[outherealone]

Hmmm maybe I need to read that book!
He’s very concerned with making himself look like he’s not insecure. He’s mentioned a couple of times he has insecurities but then never goes any further with it or minimises it. He said his marriage drove him mad always looking for evidence etc and she was actively shagging other men plus his much earlier first marriage he caught his then wife sleeping with others including his best friend and was devastated ( the first wife is the one he really loved out of all his subsequent relationships and apparently I’m the only one he’s ever felt the same about since). So I kind of understand why he’s built up this wall of keeping himself safe and doing whatever he likes whilst still having the guise of a secure relationship to fall back on.
I’m at the point now where I will be chatty and friendly with my men friends in front of him because I have nobody to hide anything from and I’m fucked if I’m playing chaste girlfriend while he’s having messages and phone convos with all his harem/ past conquests, getting fucked with them at festivals and not telling me etc.
It makes me really bloody angry actually but because I don’t really vocalise it to him he has no idea why I’m suddenly pissed off with him. Sounds very destructive written down.

[outherealone]

@DarlingBuds19, we’re the same age. His exes after the marriage ended are the younger ones.

[DarlingBuds19]

Oh sorry, I don't know how but I somehow wrongly picked up that he is younger than you.

[DarlingBuds19]

why he’s built up this wall of keeping himself safe and doing whatever he likes whilst still having the guise of a secure relationship to fall back on.

I was thinking along those lines myself.

But whether it's due to being cheated on in the past or not, to me it's inappropriate. It's unfair to whoever he's in a relationship with. I wouldn't be happy with my dp behaving like this to a bunch of other women, some being younger just makes it even more uncomfortable.

He wouldn't take the reverse, I'm betting.

[DarlingBuds19]

I'd like to see his reaction if you had a significantly younger make friend/acquaintance who did eg fitness modelling, posted flattering pics of him in tighty whities on SM and you were all over it, liking them and commenting.

Men like this need a little fkg wake-up call when they can't (or choose not to) appreciate what they're doing and what the reverse would feel like.

Bit all in all I doubt he's going to stop this and perhaps you're going to have to consider if you're ok with being ol' reliable while he maintains his fun little harem (even if it is not a physical thing).

[DarlingBuds19]

You could give him the chance to change his behaviour but I'm guessing all you'll get is accusations and insinuations of being jealous, controlling, uptight, unreasonable etc.

[outherealone]

@darlingbuds he just lives the lifestyle of a much younger man! He has a good job and much disposable income and pretty much does what he wants when he wants. It’s not been a problem for me as I have multiple responsibilities and pressures so our ldr was quite casual and I was happy with it that way so these things never bothered me as much.
Then I had some personal trauma and it really highlighted the disparity between our lifestyle and also the ambiguity of our relationship. We had some good talks and agreed to move forward as a ‘couple’. He was very reassuring and upfront as was I although there’s not much in my life to create any doubt for him so it’s always been me who needs the reassurance!
I’m pretty sure he’d be kind and listen to me but I also know he’d maintain he’s doing nothing wrong and probably just take it even more underground from what I’ve experienced from him already.
Sadly I don’t know any fitness models! I went out with a body builder who beat me up very badly a long time ago and I did have a muscle man friend on soc media but he’s removed his profile (not my thing anyway!)
I do tell him when men flirt with me or ask me out etc and he never seems overly bothered unless he keeps it all in... I partly tell him because I just talk about everything but I also am curious to see if he reacts, he never does unless it’s just to make a joke out of it or he says ‘no wonder, you’re beautiful, sexy’ etc so I’m not sure really if there’s anything he would complain about unless I blatantly started another relationship and I’m definitely a one man woman!

[outherealone]

I can’t remember if I posted that one of his best friends is going through a really hard time with a jealous girlfriend right now? He has supported this friend through it all. Tbf this couple did actually cheat on each other and now she has huge trust issues whilst baiting him with other men. It’s pretty grim. I met her once and could see exactly how her mind worked, she saw me as a threat and made moves to extricate him from the rest of the group and they completely disappeared from this big expensive event. When my bf tells me things she’s done and said I can really empathise with her and I tell him this but at the same time it makes me feel less able to express my own fears and insecurities because it literally sounds like everything this other woman says to his friend and she really does sound like she’s fallen down the rabbit hole of paranoia it’s really really ugly. I’d definitely call it an abusive relationship because of her behaviour and a lot of it mirrors my behaviour in past relationships, particularly in my own marriage where my exh told me he felt like he was walking on eggshells and I was violating his privacy all the time.
It appeared I had good reason to be suspicious of exh but to this day I still don’t know if some of it was created by my own headmonkeys!

[AmIThough]

You might have already answered this but have you met his young, female friends?

[outherealone]

@AmIThough, no I haven’t. I have been invited to events where they’d be but they’re always things I can’t get to so I guess in that respect he’s not hiding me or them exactly

[AmIThough]

I just wonder if it would help you knowing how he interacts with them. Maybe next time make sure you can attend?

[outherealone]

Yeah of course it would help me massively I’m sure, take my imagination out of the equation!
I had a couple of chances to meet one (the closest most recent ex girlfriend who he seems in daily contact with) but they both fell through, I was a bit annoyed as it would have helped I think.

[AmIThough]

Why don't you suggest it? Say 'it's a shame plans to meet x fell through as I'd like to get to know some of your friends. Why don't we try and arrange to see her this weekend"

Then you don't even seem paranoid

[WhenPushComesToShove]

OP if you don't feel loved and cherished like his absolutely favourite person and you are not happy; why bother to go through all the angst of being with him. You are clearly not his main focus if he is forgetting to tell about exes being places and on his phone to other women all the time.

[outherealone]

They’re mainly raves/ festivals and I have young kids, often involve a fair bit of travelling and an all night commitment, I just don’t have that sort of time, money or stamina. Ergo, I was always ok with it in the past and appreciated the time to myself but now feel different about it.

[DarlingBuds19]

I’m pretty sure he’d be kind and listen to me but I also know he’d maintain he’s doing nothing wrong and probably just take it even more underground from what I’ve experienced from him already.

Well there you have it. You're not comfortable with his lifestyle/relationship style (and fwiw I wouldn't and I doubt many women would be) - too much constant/regular contact with exes, flings, younger women etc. And he most likely won't stop or change. We can blame him being burned badly in previous serious relationships (and I'd take that with a little pinch of salt, you never know the full story til you've had both sides of the story) but maybe it's not, maybe it's just the way he is and how he likes to live his life.

You're teaching the true comparability point on the relationship now that it's going on for quite a while, you've said it's been long distance, relatively casual until recently .. and that you've encountered other incompatibilities/differences already as well.

Sorry (because it still hurts and it's still sad) but it takes s while to really get to know someone and see whether you're compatible for a relationship and it looks like you're not (not that many women would be with his level & type of contact with exes & flings).

[outherealone]

@AmIThough that’s kind of what I said last time! I don’t want to keep harking on about the same person but thanks tho!
@WhenPushComesToShove yes you’re absolutely right. In typical ‘certain type of man’ style, I’m sure he’s not telling me in order to avoid any awkwardness but it drives me mad with worry and yes self esteem issues and all the rest. The trouble is, the test of the time he absolutely does make me feel like his favourite person. I guess we need to have ‘another’ talk and I guess I can gauge it from there. We’re going to a big event tomorrow, just us so I don’t want to spoil that but think it has to happen this weekend. I don’t want to waste my expensive therapy on this issue!

[DarlingBuds19]

but at the same time it makes me feel less able to express my own fears and insecurities because it literally sounds like everything this other woman says to his friend and she really does sound like she’s fallen down the rabbit hole of paranoia

Also his friend's relationship sounds like a car crash; and why should you not be able to express your discomfort with the way he behaves (which as above, ok know I would be uncomfortable about) because their relationship is a car crash and the female partner is clearly on a v unhealthy place - that she should probably just gtfo of. Who cheated first incidentally?
Why do I have the feeling it was the male partner; who now gets to portray her as a paranoid, jealous, unstable psycho to his friends, and be all sensible and long suffering and in need of 'support'.

[DarlingBuds19]

In any case your relationships/situations are completely different and you should be able to discuss your discomfort.

Also I said above that I doubted any man Inc him would be comfortable with the reverse i.e. you being constantly in contact with lots of exes and flings, you liking sexy pics on SM of guys you know etc.

But even if he were; that just means you're not compatible. And as above, that would make him unusual, not you.

[DarlingBuds19]

Did you post before? Has he got grown up kids? Does he work in/around the music industry and goes to lots and lots of gigs, festivals etc. Has lots of young exes whom he knows through that scene?

[DarlingBuds19]

Tbh the traumatised by cheating exes (him) theory is probably just a flattering excuse & he sounds like just another man who doesn't want to grow up, settle down or commit to one woman ( even if he isn't actually shagging the other women). Just another self indulgent man child who wants to part - ay.

[BendyLikeBeckham]

His behaviour is feeding your paranoia, OP. He is living his life like a single man, and it's no wonder that is making you feel insecure.
I think you don't trust your own instincts any more, and you probably should do.

Is this relationship making you happy? Or is it creating angst, pain, hurt, headfuckery, suspicion, misery?

That is your answer.

[DarlingBuds19]

Why they keep pursuing relationships with "normal" women around their age, I don't know.

I suppose they still crave the bond/connection with a down to earth, 'real' person who is a peer and had equal life experience etc. - because the you g glamourous ones were easy on the eye, sexy, fun etc but they find something lacking relationship-wise (young women can be very flaky etc. I know, I was myself) .... Yet when they get into a potentially deeper, more stable, rounded relationship; that's not enough either - they still want the fun, excitement, flirtation, overt sexiness, carefree-ness, hedonism etc.

In other words, they want everything.

That's why I'd give up on this bloke, to be brutally honest.

You've said what you think would happen if you spoke to him about all this/gave him ultimatum, I think likewise he's unlikely to stop or change.