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Relationships

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Original poster

New BF weird about surprise sleepover

123 replies

anotherglass · 07/10/2019 15:51

I have been seeing a guy for 2 months now and we will a fair distance apart, so do not have the opporutnity very often to stay with eachother during the week. Last week I had a work trip where he lived and was late in the afternoon allowed time off that the next day.
During the evening I said that I could stay overnight with him. He was a little taken aback but said OK and I stayed over and had a good night and morning. We agreed to go out for dinner this week to celebrate his birthday. However he can be quite funny about gifts and just texted me to say 'no presents and no surprise sleepovers". I am a bit taken aback by the suprise sleepover and am not sure how to respond. Anyone have suggestions about why he may have said this? We cannot speak properly until later this evening.

OP posts:

funnylittlefloozie · 07/10/2019 22:29

I know that at 8 weeks in, my BF and I were ripping each others clothes off at every opportunity, and a "surprise sleepover" (shit phrase btw) would have been a welcome joy. This man seems very routine-led and rigid, which of course doesnt mean he is necessarily a bad person.

However, i think the abrupt way he phrased his text IS a problem. At the very least, he seems a bit insensitive.

Fizzypop2 · 07/10/2019 23:15

Is he Sheldon Cooper?

outherealone · 07/10/2019 23:19

I went out with a nasty guy once and I put him on the spot re an unexpected sleepover, he tried to make loads of excuses to put me off, found some childish reason to distract me (some kind of light up toy like I was a baby) and ran up to his room, when I came upstairs he was hiding something down the side of his bed... I never learned what it was but it soon became apparent he was very abusive and into prostitutes and god knows what else!

Fromablokespoint · 08/10/2019 18:10

He may be a very structured person and it threw him

But.... 2 months in and he was concerned about a sleepover and you both read!! Kind of sets the agenda for the future.
OP - if you are happy with that then all is good. If not then time for goodbye - only you can decide that.

Fromablokespoint · 08/10/2019 18:11

Meant to say surprise sleepover.

Rachelover60 · 08/10/2019 18:30

I don't know. Maybe he wants to take things a bit slower for now. Not everyone likes all nighters, that's a fact. Different if you've been together in a committed relationship for a long time.

As he doesn't want a gift just buy him a card and pay for the meal.

RaininSummer · 08/10/2019 19:19

No idea why my comment has been deleted. I only suggested Aspergers as something to consider as social interaction difficulties can present like that. I saw that as a good suggestion not an insult or a diagnosis. My first deletion. How thrilling.

Idontwanttotalk · 08/10/2019 19:40

@RaininSummer
I thought it may have been some sort of health issue like that too - something like disliking change from routine and spontaneity. This could apply to receiving gifts too. The surprise might upset his routines.

OP, he did say he just needed (more) notice. I presume you know from your dates whether he is really into you and only you can decide if the sexual aspect of your relationship is thriving or if something is a bit off (presuming you have dtd).

whatisthismess · 08/10/2019 19:41

I'm probably a bit like this as in when I'm dating someone, at least for the first couple of months I like a bit of notice. The last guy I was seeing drove me absolutely mental as he would consistently text and say, "can I pop in for a coffee in 15 minutes after work?" This would be 8pm and I'd be sat in my jammies with my make up taken off and would always have to say no, I need more notice, I'm sure he found this odd but it was nothing to do with him! Other times I just didn't want company, I just like to make plans plenty of time in advance so I can prepare for it physically and mentally. If he wasn't expecting you to sleepover and he had just wanted to go home and sleep I can understand he felt put on the spot. However, if I am out with a guy for dinner and drinks I would just assume we were staying over together.

Also the going to bed and reading 2 months in, you should be ripping each other's clothes off at that point. I'd be asking whether you were compatible or not, he sounds a bit uptight.

Ohyesiam · 08/10/2019 19:57

He sounds like he has lots of little rules about things. I imagine this is the thin end of the wedge, and you will find he likes things his way.
It sounds more anxious/ atypical than controlling in an abusive way, but it’s quite a thing to be in a relationship with someone who needs everything to be predictable.

I’d be wanting that know if he is aware of how much he dislikes change/ spontaneity, and how that has worked out in previous relationships.
I’d also tell him that a knockback is not a neutral thing, and it’s going to have an impact on you.

vikkimoog · 08/10/2019 20:11

So you've been seeing each other 8 weeks/
you go out for a meal together then go back to his place and read?/?!!!!
Then go to sleep/?

not really envisaging a life of passion here

Witchinaditch · 08/10/2019 20:15

Are you dating sheldon from the Big Bang theory?

Tippety · 08/10/2019 20:21

You can stay over someone's house without having sex, people know this right? I don't think it's unusual to ask to stay over after 2 months, if the roles were reversed I still don't think it would be weird He could have said no, and unless OP went anyway which would be unacceptable obviously, not seeing the issue. OP he is entitled to feel how he feels, but if you aren't compatible I'd knock it on the head now.

ladycarlotta · 09/10/2019 12:00

another one jumping in to say two months in a surprise sleepover would be very welcome! Even if you didn't shag, you should be excited to spend time together. There could be all kinds of reasons for his behaviour, many of them I'm sure very legitimate, but if his expectations don't gel with yours - and more to the point at this stage if he doesn't SPARK bloody JOY - it's not going to work out.

simplekindoflife · 09/10/2019 12:08

Well he sounds fun doesn't he! Doesn't like surprises and doesn't like gifts and reads and goes to sleep when his girlfriend of two months comes over to stay?!

Most people would welcome a visit from their partner, whether it's been two months or 22 years imo! You didn't ambush him, your plans had changed and you thought it be nice to spend time with him. He obviously saw it differently.

It's a small thing really but it would put my back up and get my spider senses tingling that something is wrong.

Cheeseandwin5 · 09/10/2019 12:20

To be honest I am amazed but sadly not surprised by the responses on here.
Apparently he is anything between cheating on you to a wimp.
If I was surprised by a partner who I had only seen for two months I would be pissed off to. I value my privacy and my interests, not only that I want to look my best and not be caught unawares. What if I had other plans should I be expected to drop them.
I would assume the person was suspicious controlling and paranoid, and I am sure this would be the common consensus here. As it is the genders are different so the usual hypocrites have also changed their opinion.

Cheeseandwin5 · 09/10/2019 12:22

Also, How many here would agree that a woman should provide sex and excitement whenever a man comes over especially if it is a surprise.
I would be interested to see those who have said that he should would also agree with this.

Crunchymum · 09/10/2019 13:05

Just to clarify:

You had a work thing in his town, you arranged a date and then got told you had a free morning so said you can stay over? If you hadn't have had the free morning would you have gone home? If he had said no to sleepover, would you have just gone home?

You are going out for his birthday? He hasn't invited you to stay over, so your plan is to go home after the date? although he has made it clear he doesn't want you to stay over with the "surprise sleep over" comment

Do you have sex?

CandyLeBonBon · 09/10/2019 13:50

But cheese, he didn't just turn up at his house unannounced with suitcases in hand did he?

Everyone is entitled to their space and privacy. She told him she was unexpectedly available to stay over if he fancied it. That's quite different to turning up and expecting to stay.

He could've said 'no, that doesn't really work for me' and kept his space and privacy.

DoctorAllcome · 09/10/2019 16:43

She told him she was unexpectedly available to stay over if he fancied it. That's quite different to turning up and expecting to stay.

It was mostly the latter by what I read:
Last week I had a work trip where he lived and was late in the afternoon allowed time off that the next day.
During the evening I said that I could stay overnight with him. He was a little taken aback but said OK and I stayed over and had a good night and morning.

She turned up as a surprise, and then later “during the evening” she sprung the oh can I stay the night on him. He wasn’t aware of the sleepover aspect until after she’d been over for at least a few hours.

DoctorAllcome · 09/10/2019 16:47

@Cheeseandwin5
I’m on the same page as you. I commented a similar opinion yesterday. I personally value my privacy and a 2mo relationship where you do not see each other very often due to distance does not equal an open door come and spend the night as a complete surprise. I would find it really unsettling that a bf would expect me to drop everything and entertain them as a last minute whim.

Honeyroar · 09/10/2019 16:48

He sounds like he's either covering something up or else he's just hard work.

TilandPop · 09/10/2019 16:55

God I’d run a mile, it shouldn’t be this much hard work at 2 months

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