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Original poster

New BF weird about surprise sleepover

123 replies

anotherglass · 07/10/2019 15:51

I have been seeing a guy for 2 months now and we will a fair distance apart, so do not have the opporutnity very often to stay with eachother during the week. Last week I had a work trip where he lived and was late in the afternoon allowed time off that the next day.
During the evening I said that I could stay overnight with him. He was a little taken aback but said OK and I stayed over and had a good night and morning. We agreed to go out for dinner this week to celebrate his birthday. However he can be quite funny about gifts and just texted me to say 'no presents and no surprise sleepovers". I am a bit taken aback by the suprise sleepover and am not sure how to respond. Anyone have suggestions about why he may have said this? We cannot speak properly until later this evening.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 07/10/2019 16:26

It sounds as though he has a low libido. Unless you do as well, I’d be having a good think about whether you’re compatible. Two months in is the point at which you assess this sort of thing.

Original poster
anotherglass · 07/10/2019 16:27

Yes I have met his friends.

The flat was clean and tidy when I showed up.

I gave him the opportunity to say no to me.

In general, he hates suprises or being given gifts. I have been instructed not to buy an birthday presents, as presents make him feel obligated.

OP posts:
Original poster
anotherglass · 07/10/2019 16:27

He says there is no issue with me staying over in general, he just wants notice.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2019 16:28

Come on, op. He sounds absolutely miserable. Stop wasting your time.

BlockedandDeleted · 07/10/2019 16:28

I think you ought to leave him alone for both of your sakes.

Pinkbonbon · 07/10/2019 16:28

Yeah I guess I could understand that. But I mean you are very early into seeing each other...

Did you just meet him two months ago? (Or is that how long you have been 'official'). I mean for a guy at that point, they don't often tend to be taking us as seriously as we are them...

NoCauseRebel · 07/10/2019 16:29

Hmm difficult one.

If this was an already established relationship then I would say that it’s odd. But the fact you’ve only been seeing each other for a couple of months I’d say that it’s not unreasonable for either of you to not want to be put on the spot.

Have you stayed at his before? Has he stayed at yours?

Do you usually see each other at weekends? In which case he may enjoy his own space during the week?

I don’t think he’s unreasonable so soon in tbh. You’re hardly even in a relationship yet.

Casander · 07/10/2019 16:32

He sounds like if he was a spice he would be flour.

After 2 months I wouldn't be bothering againConfused

Pinkbonbon · 07/10/2019 16:33

Oh dear, the gift thing is a red flag though... He maybe sees gifts as obligations. Eg: she has given me a gift so now she thinks I owe her something (eg:exclusivity, loyalty ect).

And he isn't cool with that. Either because he doesn't want the sort of depth of relationship you want, or worse because he is a narcissist or similar who isn't capable of it (surprisingly more common than you'd think).

starryeyed19 · 07/10/2019 16:33

It shouldn't be this hard work, two months on, surely?

Original poster
anotherglass · 07/10/2019 16:34

" The gift thing is a red flag though... He maybe sees gifts as obligations. Eg: she has given me a gift so now she thinks I owe her something (eg:exclusivity, loyalty ect)."

He says he feels obligated if he receives gifts.

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 07/10/2019 16:35

How do you feel about the relationship otherwise, OP?

I'm another one of those who wouldn't want someone I'd only known a few weeks putting me on the spot suggesting they spend the night at mine without longer notice. I'm not hiding anything, but I like my privacy and my boundaries and I'm not a spontaneous kind of person.

No idea if this bloke is hiding something or is just someone who doesn't like spontaneity. Giving him the benefit of the doubt for the moment, do you feel happy about spending time with him otherwise? Or are there other niggles? Are you a person who really wants to be with a partner who can be spontaneous and free?

0ooo0 · 07/10/2019 16:35

Maybe he just doesn’t like surprises?

Maybe he had some borderline embarrassing activity lined up (wankathon/dungeons & dragons re-enactment/indulging in a private fetish?) and had to change/cancel his plans?

I think if you live a long way from each other & in a new LDR a bit of notice is only polite as two months is no time when building a LDR (My exDH & I started our relationship with a 2yr LDR before I moved to his city)

If your relationship was more established this would be a bigger issue.

I wouldn’t immediately think that there’s another woman, maybe he just likes knowing what’s going on?

KevinKlineSwoon · 07/10/2019 16:35

Unless he is taking the piss, it sounds like very hard work for the early stages of a relationship.

Original poster
anotherglass · 07/10/2019 16:36

How shall I approach this with him? Ask upfront ?

OP posts:
cowfacemonkey · 07/10/2019 16:36

Long term it doesn't sound like it is going to work out. I don't think he deserves the pasting he is getting here. He felt put on the spot but agreed for you to stay anyway (if a woman was posting about a bloke doing this after 8 weeks he's be getting called an entitled CF) and now he is setting his stall out and letting you know what he is and isn't OK with. At least he is being straight with you.

Sounds like long term he might be a little rigid for you and if that's not what you want from a guy then I think it is completely reasonable to walk away.

SherbetSaucer · 07/10/2019 16:36

He’s absolutely 100% not that into you!

Interestedwoman · 07/10/2019 16:38

I don't think you did anything wrong in saying you could stay over if he liked. I know it's easy for us all to be like this, but he didn't tell you he din't feel upto a guest at the time- he could've just said so rather than make it seem like you did something wrong.

I have a lover who's a therapist
(he wasn't mine lol) and he tries to make me be honest with what I want and don't want, rather than go along with stuff just to please him.

You could say something like, 'sorry you felt that way- please just be honest and tell me if you don't want to do something in future. It's fine with me if you don't want to do something, I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do.'

I would be hurt if a bloke implied I'd done something wrong as I set a lot of store by trying my best in friendships/relationships. But everyone has your quirks and you weren't to know he'd be that way. Most people would be quite happy to say 'I'd love to but I'm absolutely knackered, I just need to veg out. Could we do it some other time?'

If he gets stroppy and blunt this easily, I would take it as a bad sign, it would not be something I'd want in a person.

He could even have said/texted the nxt day something like 'it was lovely to see you last night but please could you give me some warning if you're going to stay over?' He could say something then like it gives him chance to tidy up, or whatever.

If someone's saying 'No this, no that' I would feel that was stroppy. Not that he was giving his opinion/feelings, but the way in which he was putting it, with no attempt at politeness and consideration for your feelings.

Pinkbonbon · 07/10/2019 16:39

Yeah, had a feeling. Its a bit worrying.

I mean it might be that he just worries you will buy him something expensive...anyone would feel a little uncomfortable with that from a new partner. So he doesn't want to risk that. But... it may also be the other thing :/

CosmicVagina · 07/10/2019 16:39

Oh come on, how many threads are there on here with posters saying they don't enjoy having guests or drop in visitors and want their own space.

OP you're thr only one who's met him so know his personality.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2019 16:39

How shall I approach this with him? Ask upfront ?

Ask what, exactly? Tell him it isn't working for you and end it. Job done.

Interestedwoman · 07/10/2019 16:40

I wish I could go back and fix typos on here lol

Hopoindown31 · 07/10/2019 16:40

He can live how he wants to. The question is is this the kind of person you want to be with?

cowfacemonkey · 07/10/2019 16:41

He is being very clear about the type of person he is so if you carry on the relationship you can't whine 6 to 12 months down the line that your boyfriend doesn't like spontaneity and doesn't like to exchange gifts at Christmas and what should you do about it.

You can approach it by saying actually I like spur of the moment "sleepovers" and I like buying gifts. Which is completely reasonable but you may have to accept that you need a new boyfriend

Daffodil2018 · 07/10/2019 16:42

God, I'd ditch him. 2 months in you want him to be delighted at the thought of you staying over, not begrudging (and determined to read then put the lights out).

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