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Original poster

New BF weird about surprise sleepover

123 replies

anotherglass · 07/10/2019 15:51

I have been seeing a guy for 2 months now and we will a fair distance apart, so do not have the opporutnity very often to stay with eachother during the week. Last week I had a work trip where he lived and was late in the afternoon allowed time off that the next day.
During the evening I said that I could stay overnight with him. He was a little taken aback but said OK and I stayed over and had a good night and morning. We agreed to go out for dinner this week to celebrate his birthday. However he can be quite funny about gifts and just texted me to say 'no presents and no surprise sleepovers". I am a bit taken aback by the suprise sleepover and am not sure how to respond. Anyone have suggestions about why he may have said this? We cannot speak properly until later this evening.

OP posts:
NoCauseRebel · 07/10/2019 16:44

If a poster posted here “have been seeing a bloke for about two months now (so that’s just eight weeks for context,) we don’t live in the same town so see each other at weekends etc. The other night he showed up in my town and said that he was there for work, but suggested that we go out for dinner and then he stay over. Given it’s not very long I felt a bit put on the spot but didn’t feel I could say no.”

What would posters respond? Would they tell the OP she was being unreasonable or that he was for putting her on the spot?

SonataDentata · 07/10/2019 16:44

He sounds like a “my way or the highway” type - controlling and cold. For him to be showing his true colours this early on is a major red flag but at least you haven’t invested too much time.

moveitorloseit · 07/10/2019 16:45

He sounds miserable I would defo him him off after only 2 months.

Bumfuzzled · 07/10/2019 16:45

He sounds really tedious and staid. Fine, if that’s your thing. But not fine if you are expecting him to warm up into someone fun and spontaneous. He is telling you who he is loud and clear!

PuppyMonkey · 07/10/2019 16:47

How often do you usually see each other OP? Is it usually a weekend date type of thing?

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 07/10/2019 16:47

If he’s this joyless now, imagine what he will be like in one, three or five years time... I’d jog him on.

RaininSummer · 07/10/2019 16:51

This reply has been deleted

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alwaysmovingforwards · 07/10/2019 16:54

Maybe he just likes routine and advanced notice? Nothing wrong with that. Some people just have different boundaries of what they like / don't like.
Plenty on here harp on about their anxiety issues whenever something in their routine changes.
But the 'red flag' brigade will tell you to ditch him at once because he's not bouncing off the ceiling because you want to see him.

Or he doesn't think the relationship is advanced as you do.

L0bstersLass · 07/10/2019 16:58

I can see his point about being put on the spot and feeling awkward. I wouldn't like that either.

However, the thing about feeling obligated when receiving a gift is weird to me. I get pleasure from giving a gift. I don't want anything in return. I wouldn't stay long in a relationship with no gift-giving as this makes me happy. What's going to happen at Christmas? No gift-giving then either?

Frankly, he sounds weird. I'd seriously be considering whether it was worth the effort and if this was really the kind of joy-less life I was interested in pursuing.

TheStuffedPenguin · 07/10/2019 17:09

You and he READ ? You should be jumping on each other at this stage!!

NoCauseRebel · 07/10/2019 17:11

Jesus.

Eight weeks people, eight weeks. And already we have: He’s controlling/cold/weird/maybe he has Aspergers

Some people haven’t even slept together by eight weeks.

Recently there was a thread where a bloke had suggested he and the OP were in a relationship after four months and that was considered too soon.

But because this is a man he should be jumping for joy at the OP wanting to stay over on the spur of the moment, because not doing so puts him in the wrong. But I bet if he’d suggested the OP stay over and she wasn’t comfortable doing so/didn’t want to he’d be wrong as well....

acatcalledron · 07/10/2019 17:12

If this was reversed I would hate it if the person I was dating was in the area and put me on the spot about staying over

Isthatrightaye · 07/10/2019 17:22

You put him on the spot and he didn’t feel he could say no.

I think it’s perfectly acceptable to not want surprise guests sleeping over. I’d definitely want notice for someone staying over in my bed so I could change sheets etc.

GeneHuntLover · 07/10/2019 17:29

At 2 months you should be all over each other! With regards to presents, he doesn't like them as he feels obligated? Obligated to do what exactly?

It shouldn't be this hard so soon OP, find a better option, you're worth more than this

MediocreOmens · 07/10/2019 17:32

I think that maybe you put him on the spot with the staying over at short notice, but at the same time after two months I too wouldn't have thought it was an issue and might have brought it up like you did without thinking it through first.

However I think his response is not OK. Especially if his text did just read as you put it in the OP "no presents and no surprise sleepovers". That to me says he wants things on his terms. I personally couldn't be with someone who expressed themselves so rudely and who also felt gifts were an obligation. It is how I show my love and affection and even though my husband prefers to show his a different way, we understand this about each other and respect it. I feel from what you are saying he can't even make time to be polite and think about your feelings.

BlockedandDeleted · 07/10/2019 17:44

Jesus, can't . believe how nasty people are being to the poor bloke.

TBH I think you're pushing him , quite aggressively, into 'relationship status' and he isn't comfortable with that, understandably as he barely knows you.

He's laying down boundaries and that's a good thing.

I men it's only been eight weeks and you're calling him your boyfriend already?

Gifts are something girlfriends or close friends buy - you not either of these things

And he has every right not to want to sleep with you FFS.

Could you imagine if the genders were reversed? He's be getting exactly the same amount of abuse, but he'd deserved it.

You're the one who are waving red flags - you sound controlling, manipulative and disrespectful of personal boundaries.

LipSyncForYourLife · 07/10/2019 17:55

An unexpected visit! I think you are lucky he even bothered to answer the front door. 😂

ballsdeep · 07/10/2019 17:56

He sorobabkt for a partner

MediocreOmens · 07/10/2019 18:04

I don't think 8 weeks is particularly early to call someone a boyfriend/girlfriend or buy them a birthday present Confused I also didn't realise presents were reserved for close family and friends.

onanothertrain · 07/10/2019 18:09

If someone I had been seeing for 2 months invited themselves to stay at mine cause it was easier for a work trip id be a bit taken aback as well

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 07/10/2019 18:09

I don't see why not wanting someone staying at your house sprung on you last minute is a problem?
I feel like if a woman has posted this saying "we went to dinner then sprung staying over on me last minute" she'd be told She doesn't have any obligation to let him into her space etc.
I don't think it's that much of a red flag OP, by the sounds of it he was tired which he has already told you about and felt a bit put out. He might just be a planner.

BlockedandDeleted · 07/10/2019 18:09

I don't think 8 weeks is particularly early to call someone a boyfriend/girlfriend or buy them a birthday present confused I also didn't realise presents were reserved for close family and friends.

There you go, different boundaries.

I'd be very uncomfortable if someone who wasn't a good friend or family let alone someone I had only known for a few weeks bought me a gift.

I would be doubly so if someone with whom I had been on a few dates over a few weeks started calling me their girlfriend and manipulating me into staying over with the clear intention of having sex with me.

Isitnearlyweekend · 07/10/2019 18:11

Sounds like domestic violence material to me. Run Forrest run.

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 07/10/2019 18:14

He sounds like if he was a spice he would be flour.
*
After 2 months I wouldn't be bothering again*

This ^^
So much this!

category12 · 07/10/2019 18:23

He sounds a bit odd.

Do you like odd?

Do you think you can cope with odd long term?