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Original poster

New BF weird about surprise sleepover

123 replies

anotherglass · 07/10/2019 15:51

I have been seeing a guy for 2 months now and we will a fair distance apart, so do not have the opporutnity very often to stay with eachother during the week. Last week I had a work trip where he lived and was late in the afternoon allowed time off that the next day.
During the evening I said that I could stay overnight with him. He was a little taken aback but said OK and I stayed over and had a good night and morning. We agreed to go out for dinner this week to celebrate his birthday. However he can be quite funny about gifts and just texted me to say 'no presents and no surprise sleepovers". I am a bit taken aback by the suprise sleepover and am not sure how to respond. Anyone have suggestions about why he may have said this? We cannot speak properly until later this evening.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 07/10/2019 18:24

manipulating me into staying over with the clear intention of having sex with me

Jesus fucking Christ there are some joyless people in this world. 'Ooh turns out I could stay over tonight if you like!' is NOT in any world 'manipulating' ffs

Livpool · 07/10/2019 18:27

He feels 'obligated' after receiving a present from his girlfriend for his birthday and you need to give notice to stay over after a date?!

For 2 months in it all sounds pretty joyless. Maybe you're just not compatible

ChristmasFluff · 07/10/2019 18:32

I'm really into my privacy and need my own space.

But at two months in, I'd be overjoyed if a new bf could stay over unexpectedly! It's the 'can't stop snogging' phase!

He's not that into you. Plus I couldn't be arsed with someone who 'feels obligated' when you buy them a gift. He's basically saying, 'don't buy me a gift or I might feel bad when I dump you.'

I think one of the first posters had it - 'no presents, no surprises, no relationship. Bye.'

NewMe2019 · 07/10/2019 18:32

I HATE things sprung on me and I would have felt put on the spot like that. He's done nothing wrong. If the roles were reversed it would be perfectly acceptable for a woman to not feel comfortable with a man she was seeing springing it at the last minute about staying over.

Winterlogs · 07/10/2019 18:41

I think OP knows the answer. It's really shitty but take it as a warning to get out now! X

alwaysmovingforwards · 07/10/2019 18:41

@NewMe2019

Agreed. If a man suggested this the red flag brigade would be out in force. Probably talking about controlling behaviour and invading your space unexpectedly.

It does make me laugh Grin

CandyLeBonBon · 07/10/2019 18:48

Of course there's nothing wrong with him not wanting the op to stay over - and as for her manipulating him - well that's a massive reach. HOWEVER it was wrong of him not to express his boundaries in an effective way. If he was tired he should've said no. If he doesn't feel able to say no, that's not the OP's fault and it's something he needs to work on.

She didn't force his hand and gave him the option to say no, but he didn't. He said yes. And they went back to his and read so he still got his early night and the op was bit demanding that they swung from the chandelier all night but he's somehow turned his inability to say no into her fault for surprising him.

Honestly it does all sound a bit joyless op and really, if you like a bit of spontaneity and he doesn't it's probably easier to be up front about that and cut your losses now

CandyLeBonBon · 07/10/2019 18:49

Was not demanding

forumdonkey · 07/10/2019 18:52

It's hardly a 'surprise' sleepover if you've been planning going out for the evening for his birthday.

cacklingmags · 07/10/2019 19:12

He sounds a little bit controlling and dull as ditch water. Here he is making up little rules after 2 months (no presents, no fucking surprise sleepovers). You should not go along with this shit. Imagine how much fun he is going to be after 2 years. Lots of other guys out there.

Aminuts23 · 07/10/2019 19:42

I think some of the responses on here are terrible. Poor guy.
If I’d been seeing someone only 2 months and he turned up close by, during the week expecting to stay over I’d be really pissed off. Sorry but I would. Also he was tired and put on the spot. He couldn’t say no could he? I don’t think he’s done anything wrong. He could have phrased things better maybe. I also agree about a gift. Just buy him a drink or pay for a meal. That’s nice enough for a few weeks in.

crappyday2018 · 07/10/2019 19:52

Hang on a minute. I totally agree that he's entitled to not want a last minute 'sleepover' but surely this is all about the way he said it?? "No presents and no surprise-sleepovers". That is a proper dickish thing to say. He could have put it more diplomatically ffs. He sounds like a completely joyless twat if you ask me.
Plus the obligation thing is just plain weird.

Sally2791 · 07/10/2019 20:27

Joyless and probably controlling.Find a fun man who appreciates you

FavouriteSong · 07/10/2019 20:46

He doesn't sound like a barrel of laughs. I'd go with the text "no present, no sleepover, no relationship, goodbye!"

Divebar · 07/10/2019 20:51

This guy is one of those who doesn’t “ believe” in birthdays and thinks it’s all commercialised. ( which will be the excuse he will give when he buys you fuck all for your birthday). And he didn’t want sex because he’d had a late night the night before ? How old is he? 90? I’d be pretty disappointed by that actually.... especially if you don’t see each other very often.

TatianaLarina · 07/10/2019 20:59

That’s why he’s in a LDR because it keeps you at arm’s length.

This guy is not a keeper.

Spied · 07/10/2019 21:00

Sounds a bit of an over thinker.
Could he have anxiety issues or other issues?
Sounds like if everything isn't planned then he isn't comfortable.

Mermaidsinthesand · 07/10/2019 21:14

Sounds like he doesn't want to recieve a gift as he feels guilty, planning to get rid of this relationship I expect

The sleepover thing, yeah not much to say on that. Get rid

testingtesting111 · 07/10/2019 21:23

He has take a peculiar stance. Most people in the early stages of a relationship would be quite excited to stay over... his attitude is weird. If he is like this now with this, you do need to think about what he could be like long term generally. Things being on his terms etc.

Ilovefishcakes201 · 07/10/2019 21:28

If it was the other way around most posters will be questioning if you really like the man.
He sounds boring and life’s too short for that.

crappyday2018 · 07/10/2019 22:07

If I was REALLY into a new partner, I would give a sh*t about a last minute 'sleepover'. Jesus, you should be at it like rabbits.
And to then tell he he doesn't want another last minute sleepover is just plain rude and weird. Into the bin he goes.

chipsandgin · 07/10/2019 22:09

How shall I approach this with him? Ask upfront?

Why bother? Joyless sounds about right, boring, possibly controlling, almost definitely not that interested.

Nothing to ‘ask’ surely? If you’re feeling polite just a text to say ‘It’s been fun but I think it’s time to call it a day, good luck in your endeavours/have a nice life..etc’ should cover it!? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Bluntness100 · 07/10/2019 22:12

Op, you didn't answer if you've ever stayed with each other over night before? Or do so regularly?

It's weird for him to tell you he doesn't wish sex, which makes me wonder what type of relationship this is, how often you see each other and stay over with each other.

billy1966 · 07/10/2019 22:24

Ye were out to dinner in his area and had stayed in his place before. I don't think it was that big a leap.

He does sound a bit joyless.
I also don't think he's that into you.

Have a think, maybe move on.💐

Seaweed42 · 07/10/2019 22:25

He is trying to keep you at arms length. He only wants the relationship his way. He doesnt want your presence when he has not asked for it. He doesnt want objects from you in his house.
Wouldn't it be nicer to be with someone who is not actively trying to push you away.