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Original poster

moving too fast?

125 replies

plof · 07/10/2019 13:49

Hi
Ive recently started dating for the first time since separating from my husband. I was married or 15 years and the marriage effectively crumbled when he took a job overseas for 18 months - although he is back in the UK since July - too little to late for the marriage but great for our 2 kids. We are amicable and in August I took the step to go on line dating. I wasn't on long but someone messaged me and after chatting briefly I gave him my number as he seemed nice and I wanted to get off the site as too many messages were coming in.
Anyway he what sapped me straight away and after a week of chatting online we met up. He seems to be just what I need affectionate, attentive and understanding.
we have been seeing each other for about 6 weeks and mostly he was staying at mine while the girls are at their dads. this worked great but he wanted me to come to his flat - he lives about 20 miles away. I said I would come over for his birthday and we spent the night. we became friends on Facebook at this point (4 weeks in) and on instagram.
the next weekend he wanted me to come over and I said I had no car but I could get the train from work and then take the train back to work as it was a Monday morning - this seemed to work. However instead of giving me a lift to the station he said he would phone me a taxi and left me his key to lock up as he had to get to work for a meeting.
That day I left and I got a whatsapp message from an unknown number. I mentioned it to him and he said that it was his ex and that he had a feeling she would do this. When I asked him about his ex girlfriends in the past he said that he hadnt dated anyone seriously for over 8 years.
When I quizzed him further he said that this ex was a married woman who he had been involved with for 8 years and that he had ended things with her over a year ago and she lived close by to his flat. He said that she wouldn't cause any trouble as she had history of doing this before and was probably just trying to cause problems with us as she had probably stalked his Facebook page. He said he would email her and tell her to back off and as she was still married that nothing more would happen.
Ok so now I'm wondering if he is moving too fast. We get on great and I like him but as this is my first date since my marriage is he moving things along too quickly? He is 40 and I am 38 - he can't have children and I have 2 girls 8 and 6.
Is he desperate to lock me into a relationship and thats why he gave me a key? He told me he had been on online dating sites for 5 years and been on dates. He messages me all the time and always first thing on a morning and last thing on a night. He seems to understand that I have 2 children and they come first.
Is he to good to be true?
thoughts

OP posts:
MMadness · 07/10/2019 14:54

I'd not be concerned about a key.

Just the crazy stalker ex he's lied about.

Original poster
plof · 07/10/2019 15:35

I haven’t been back to his flat since and to be honest it’s a bit depressing as very much a batchelor pad and not very homely !
He’s been to stay twice at mine since then and we get on great . I offered him his key back and he said to keep it in case of emergency ?
He has blocked her on Facebook and said that he has sent her an email telling her to stay away. He said she won’t do anything more as she has too much lose.
I’ve spoke to my friend she said that he is moving fast by giving me a key and attaching himself to me and establishing a bond. I don’t want to contact the ex and I’ve not had any unknown numbers call me etc.
He promises me that its all over and that he has no feelings for her but that she has done this in the past when he has tried to move on.
I’m not into mind games and he seems genuine about her. I’m just unsure if he is rushing things to settle down as he is embarrassed about having a relationship with her ?

OP posts:
MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 07/10/2019 15:56

What did the WhatsApp message from the unknown number say?

RLEOM · 07/10/2019 16:05

How has she got your number???? This has red flags, red flags everywhere!

user1493413286 · 07/10/2019 16:05

How did that person get your number to be able to WhatsApp you and what did it say? It sounds very odd. Apart from that though it all sounds normal.

SBD1 · 07/10/2019 16:06

^^ what did it say

Whatisthisfuckery · 07/10/2019 16:23

It’s not took long for the crazy ex story to emerge, has it? How has she got your number if he’s had no contact with her? Is your fb profile public and it’s on there? If not then I’d swerve, sharply, if I were you.

Original poster
plof · 07/10/2019 16:23

The message just had
f

OP posts:
Original poster
plof · 07/10/2019 16:25

He said she probably hacked into his mobile account. He said he has told her to back off and I know all about her and that if she doesn’t he will be taking it further.

OP posts:
Original poster
plof · 07/10/2019 16:26

No malice in the message so it was obviously an accidental message on her behalf.

OP posts:
Whatisthisfuckery · 07/10/2019 16:39

And how has she hacked his mobile account? Has he mentioned to you how has re-secured it. This all feels rather odd to me. If an ex hacked my mobile account, not for the first time, and was trying to disrupt my relationship, again, not for the first time, I’d be straight down the police station. I’d also be ensuring my mobile account was secure from then on.

This all seems rather odd. His reaction seems a little relaxed considering she’s done it before. I don’t think he’s being truthful with you. Ask him to forward you the email he sent, he can redact the address and name etc, and message her if you’ve still got the number, if he’s not deleted it off your phone that is. It would be interesting to hear what she has to say about what he’s told you.

TBH though I’d be very suspicious and I would be having no more to do with him. Chances are he’s just split up but stringing the other woman along, or that you are the OW.

Whatisthisfuckery · 07/10/2019 16:44

And if the message wasn’t malicious, why trot out the whole crazy ex story. I don’t know would have sufficed, and if he needed a word then he could have done that in private, without you needing to know. Sounds like he’s setting you up because he expects more grief, getting his story in first, as it were.

He could of course be telling the truth, but it all seems a bit odd if you ask me.

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 07/10/2019 16:45

If the number was unknown and all it had was the letter f then why did he immediately know it was his ex?

I'm not sure how WhatsApp works, when you say unknown number do you mean you could see the number but you didn't recognise it but he did, or does it literally say "unknown"

Original poster
plof · 07/10/2019 16:50

He sent the email from his work email address and blind copied me into it.
He has changed the password on his mobile account - he said she has history of logging into his social media accounts in the past. And that he has sent him blank messages from another phone number in the past and that he accidentally sent him a voice audio message from whatsapp.
He said she’s been round to his flat in the past before and won’t take no for an answer.
He also told me that they didn’t break up on good terms.... he sent an email to her husband about what was going on and he hadn’t heard anything from her husband. He said he hasn’t seen her for over a year but he saw one of her friends in a pub with one of his dates in July and that she is just trying to cause trouble and split us up.

OP posts:
Original poster
plof · 07/10/2019 16:51

the message came through from an unknown number and I replied to it saying who is it. I then saved the number and then it showed her profile picture .

OP posts:
MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 07/10/2019 16:53

Yeah seems like she's trying really hard to split you up... one accidental message with the letter "f". 😂

Original poster
plof · 07/10/2019 16:55

Yes I didn’t think the message was malicious. Just thought it odd.
Maybe he is being honest as he wants to get serious ? She can’t message me any more as I’ve blocked her number.
I can’t see how she can get my address so I don’t expect her to turn up on my doorstep ! Unless she follows him here ... which I can’t see her doing if he has sent an email.

OP posts:
PhannyPharts · 07/10/2019 16:55

I think you need to walk away from this now

Not because its moving too fast, but it has lies, deceit, stress and danger written all over it

Original poster
plof · 07/10/2019 16:56

Haha I know that’s what I thought ... f means nothing and was obviously accidental. He said that she is just trying to prove a point that she knows about me. But as we are friends on Facebook and Instagram it’s not exactly a secret ?

OP posts:
MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 07/10/2019 16:58

Sounds like he loves the drama to be fair.
Also, yuck, he was happy to sleep with a married woman and engage in an affair. How very unattractive.

Earthandsky · 07/10/2019 16:58

I don’t think I believe that.

This happened to a friend of mine and it turned out to be the guy messaging pretending to be the crazy ex.

AnneKipanki · 07/10/2019 16:59

How did she get the number ?

Original poster
plof · 07/10/2019 17:00

He said she has found out about other women he has dated and turned up at their house before ?
But he said that was when he was in the relationship with her. He promises me that he has nothing more to do with her and that if anything else happens he will go to the police.

OP posts:
MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 07/10/2019 17:03

It all just sounds like a load of crap to me. I would think if he had so many issues from this woman he would have his social media on lockdown so that she couldn't possibly see anything to do with you.
And her hacking into his mobile, what a load of crap. If she had done such things in the past he would have already changed passwords and secured his information previously.
He sounds like a nut.

Earthandsky · 07/10/2019 17:04

Or he is still shagging her.

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