moving too fast?

[plof]

Hi
Ive recently started dating for the first time since separating from my husband. I was married or 15 years and the marriage effectively crumbled when he took a job overseas for 18 months - although he is back in the UK since July - too little to late for the marriage but great for our 2 kids. We are amicable and in August I took the step to go on line dating. I wasn't on long but someone messaged me and after chatting briefly I gave him my number as he seemed nice and I wanted to get off the site as too many messages were coming in.
Anyway he what sapped me straight away and after a week of chatting online we met up. He seems to be just what I need affectionate, attentive and understanding.
we have been seeing each other for about 6 weeks and mostly he was staying at mine while the girls are at their dads. this worked great but he wanted me to come to his flat - he lives about 20 miles away. I said I would come over for his birthday and we spent the night. we became friends on Facebook at this point (4 weeks in) and on instagram.
the next weekend he wanted me to come over and I said I had no car but I could get the train from work and then take the train back to work as it was a Monday morning - this seemed to work. However instead of giving me a lift to the station he said he would phone me a taxi and left me his key to lock up as he had to get to work for a meeting.
That day I left and I got a whatsapp message from an unknown number. I mentioned it to him and he said that it was his ex and that he had a feeling she would do this. When I asked him about his ex girlfriends in the past he said that he hadnt dated anyone seriously for over 8 years.
When I quizzed him further he said that this ex was a married woman who he had been involved with for 8 years and that he had ended things with her over a year ago and she lived close by to his flat. He said that she wouldn't cause any trouble as she had history of doing this before and was probably just trying to cause problems with us as she had probably stalked his Facebook page. He said he would email her and tell her to back off and as she was still married that nothing more would happen.
Ok so now I'm wondering if he is moving too fast. We get on great and I like him but as this is my first date since my marriage is he moving things along too quickly? He is 40 and I am 38 - he can't have children and I have 2 girls 8 and 6.
Is he desperate to lock me into a relationship and thats why he gave me a key? He told me he had been on online dating sites for 5 years and been on dates. He messages me all the time and always first thing on a morning and last thing on a night. He seems to understand that I have 2 children and they come first.
Is he to good to be true?
thoughts

@Thehouseintheforest
You don't think him lying and saying he hasn't been in a relationship for 8 years but was in fact in a relationship with a married woman for 8 years is a red flag?

Good point! Also he told the husband they'd been having an affair, that's weird!

@Thehouseintheforest

or the fact that this man may (or may not...) have a stalky ex who may (or may not) threaten his new girlfriend and (apparently) knows who she is, despite the fact that she has children that she may want kept away from a (possible) mad ex girlfriend?

Why would he email the husband?

Weird !

The ex wants revenge...

If I was a single woman I might give him the benefit of the doubt, but even then he seems to be moving fast, giving you a key this quickly. His stories sound a bit far fetched too. As a woman with young children, I'd not want the drama in my life or their lives and would cut and run. Definitely don't reciprocate and give him a key to yours OP.

I don’t think it’s him sending the message . I saw her pict and he isn’t friends with her on fb. My settings are private and so are his.

He has stayed at mine every time we have seen each other which is probably about 3 times a week for the last month.

I thought it strange him giving me the key and then getting a message from his ex.

Altho it wasn’t threatening it didn’t open a can of worms.

Obviously being out of the dating circle for some time means I’m not used to people being like this.

It does sound like his ex sent it by accident as she could have sent him a message about me to his phone if she wanted revenge.

He has told me that he has warned her so I don’t feel unsafe especially with 2 children.

I can understand him feeling embarrassed about having a relationship with a married woman ... he admitted he had been online dating for some time in that relationship and has met a few women so he’s more experienced that way. This after all is my first experience of dating and having a relationship.

You wrote asking for advice.
Loads of us have given it . All the best !

Relationship with a married woman. Check.
Lots of experience with online dating. Check.
Crazy ex behind the scenes hacking accounts. Check.

He sounds absolutely wonderful...

It does sound a bit bonkers and confusing! However, I'm slightly biased to small amount of benefit of the doubt given sparingly and observed cautiously, as I was being stalked by an ex when I got with my DP and some of the drama he caused was off this planet. I'm the lowest drama person you'll ever meet, and I'm so glad my DP stuck with me through the luckily fairly short amount of turbulence. I even broke it off with DP briefly as I felt it was too much for him to handle. The whole situation embarassed me! And having to have to go into in depth chat about exes so soon into a relationship felt so wrong, but unfortunately the ex's actions forced it. Luckily I saw sense and we did get back together. I've subsequently come through and we are very happy and have a lovely chill no drama relationship. However, not sure you're bloke's explanations are quite adding up.

Far more likely he is still shagging her but has told her since she isnt leaving her husband he is now seeing someone too and she quickly took down your number off his phone when he was out the room. Then she has stored your number in her phone. Went to whatsapp to look at what your profile pic is to see who you are (to possibly then look for you online) and what you look like and accidentally sent the f whilst doing this.

As for the "email" he sent her. He could of literally set up any new email address and sent it to that and copied you in.

This story is utter bullshit and if you believe it you are naive and going to end up hurt likely.

Thank you for all your responses.
I agree it’s all strange.
I just wanted other people’s opinions on dating life after divorce. All my friends are married so it’s hard for them to know what it’s like.
He does seem smitten but then maybe he is too keen for an out in the open relationship whereas I am testing the waters so to speak.
Obviously his drama was before he met me and I didn’t really feel threatened by the message as there was no malicious context. Just found it odd. Especially as I had stayed there the night before and I left with his key.

And of course he isnt friends with her on social media. Shes having an affair with him. If I were to cheat (I wouldn't) I most certainly wouldnt have my fuck buddy as a friend on social media.

I'm 41 now and started online dating at 39 after I separated from my long term partner. I'd never online dated before and I'd met my ex at 30 through work. It was a HUGE eye opener! I have a male friend who was a bit of a player and clued me up on what guys to avoid, things to look out for ect. There's something about online dating and dodgy men! For every one good man there seem to be 50 awful ones! I'm not exaggerating, maybe it's my age but it's hard work! There are countless married men looking for a bit of fun, a lot are open about it and feel it's justified as their wife won't sleep with them. I dated three men over the two years and I've given up now. It's not all bleak at all before I get shot down! My sister is with a lovely man she met on PoF, my cousin married someone he met on Tinder, I know a lot of success stories but you have to be very careful!

You don't think him lying and saying he hasn't been in a relationship for 8 years but was in fact in a relationship with a married woman for 8 years is a red flag?

Ehhhh ?? No. I don't . Because the reason you were able to write that weird statement is because the OP wrote it. ! Which means he told her ! Being embarrassed about an affair is not actually a criminal offence or evidence of a serial axe murderer.

This all just sounds so juvenile for a man who is 40 years old. I'd be giving him a wide berth but doesn't sound like you want to hear that OP. I'm afraid online dating is full of weirdos and looks like you've got one of them.

not sure if he is genuine but I do feel he is moving fast. maybe thats because he has more experience of the women on the sites and wants me all to himself?

They key is really neither here nor there, it's just logistics. I got a key to my bf house within a few weeks in case he wasn't in when I got there one time. And he has access to my key which is kept in a coded box.

This however:

maybe thats because he has more experience of the women on the sites and wants me all to himself?

is deluded nonsense I'm afraid.

F typed on a Facebook message is short for ‘following’. Which is creepy in this circumstance.

This much drama this soon in?

Nah, sack it off.

And accidental texts are fairly rarely accidental in reality.

And if they are accidental they are usually boring and genuinely for another person, or about you to another person so they sent to you because you were front of mind.

Like I said this early on you shouldn't have to be worrying about "crazy" ex (take that with a pinch of salt!) or that his house is a bachelor pad (he is one!).

Even if his story is true (spoiler alert - I don't think it is) then do you really want to get caught up in this melodrama?

This soon in things should be nice and easy and stress free. They sound full of drama and games and

Look forward to meeting someone you have fun with and laugh with don't waste time with someone already being a headfuck for you!

Oh and you said:

i genuinely think she sent the message in error as if she wanted to cause trouble she would have used a number that wasn't her own.

It's caused so much trouble that you're stressed and starting threads on the internet about it and he is supposedly a text or call away from contacting the police about her but has also been in touch with her to "warn her off" so they've spoken again. I'd say she's got exactly what she wanted for the princely sum of one consonant please Carole!

My love read back through your posts on here and see how many self reassuring measures you're putting in place this early on: he copied me in, he showed me the messages, he told me he'd warned her off, he's blocked her on Facebook etc - none of this means anything if you feel uncomfortable.

You said this is your first dating and relationship experience - please don't let it be one where you're blind to red flags and get drawn into melodrama and anxiety.

I promise you that it shouldn't be this hard and you can have so much fun without all the drama with someone else

Honestly love, you're totally excusing the weirdness because you obviously really like him (I would too) but he is going to do you over.

Red flags aren't made up out of thin air, they're based on experiences. No of course not every man is the same, but you can generally agree on the majority of red flags in everything you've said.

However you probably don't want to break it off.

So if you're going ahead make sure you keep your flipping eyes open okay? If you feel uncomfortable, there is probably something wrong. If your gut twists. Something is wrong. Do not be naive, okay? Go in with eyes open.

@plof

not sure if he is genuine but I do feel he is moving fast. maybe thats because he has more experience of the women on the sites and wants me all to himself?

It doesn't matter why he's doing what he's doing, what matters is he is moving too fast for you. It's ok to have boundaries and not just think "oh wow he likes me so much he wants to be serious quickly" (voice of experience from my first relationship!)

Knowing what you want and feel comfortable with are the tools you need to put in action to have healthy relationships.

This doesn't sound like the one, you have plenty more time to enjoy dating and seeing what works for you. Don't rush into something that has so many issues already

You sense he wants you "all to himself", but you are not a possession!
If he could be controlling and jealous, he isn't a catch?

I'd bet pretty highly that its him pretending all this drama bollocks

No way did she hack his phone to get your number.
The chances are so minimal she would be able to do this, the whole story is bullshit, sorry op.
WhatsApp communications wouldn't show up on an itemized phone bill.
More like she saw a message from you when she was with him, probably at his flat.
Maybe it's not the married women but another woman off the dating site.
He's a liar and a cheat at best, and a psychopath at worst.
I think you can do better.

Carrying on an affair for 8years...no genuine/honest person does this kind of thing and you are seeing him through rose tinted glasses if you think you can look past this because he loved her.
OLD with various women at the same time as having the affair...he's probably slept with some of them
Emailing the husband because she wouldn't leave him and now she's out for revenge...
He's probably telling you maybe 50% of the truth if you're very lucky
It's amazing how people can try and justify their behaviour and there's always a crazy ex in the mix.
He's not a nice man at all and he knows how vulnerable you are... just separated and no experience.
If his crazy ex has such easy access to all his SM accounts and mobile phone there's something not right.
This type of man likes the attention, the drama and excitement of having two or more women in his life in fact he craves it...it's an addiction.

The best way to test this guy is to try and back off and slow things right down with him and don't let him stay over more than once a week(give him his key back) and watch how reasonable(or unreasonable) his reaction is and whether he will respect your decision. You will soon see his true colours when you start putting the brakes on.

Also ready Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That'