moving too fast?

[plof]

Hi
Ive recently started dating for the first time since separating from my husband. I was married or 15 years and the marriage effectively crumbled when he took a job overseas for 18 months - although he is back in the UK since July - too little to late for the marriage but great for our 2 kids. We are amicable and in August I took the step to go on line dating. I wasn't on long but someone messaged me and after chatting briefly I gave him my number as he seemed nice and I wanted to get off the site as too many messages were coming in.
Anyway he what sapped me straight away and after a week of chatting online we met up. He seems to be just what I need affectionate, attentive and understanding.
we have been seeing each other for about 6 weeks and mostly he was staying at mine while the girls are at their dads. this worked great but he wanted me to come to his flat - he lives about 20 miles away. I said I would come over for his birthday and we spent the night. we became friends on Facebook at this point (4 weeks in) and on instagram.
the next weekend he wanted me to come over and I said I had no car but I could get the train from work and then take the train back to work as it was a Monday morning - this seemed to work. However instead of giving me a lift to the station he said he would phone me a taxi and left me his key to lock up as he had to get to work for a meeting.
That day I left and I got a whatsapp message from an unknown number. I mentioned it to him and he said that it was his ex and that he had a feeling she would do this. When I asked him about his ex girlfriends in the past he said that he hadnt dated anyone seriously for over 8 years.
When I quizzed him further he said that this ex was a married woman who he had been involved with for 8 years and that he had ended things with her over a year ago and she lived close by to his flat. He said that she wouldn't cause any trouble as she had history of doing this before and was probably just trying to cause problems with us as she had probably stalked his Facebook page. He said he would email her and tell her to back off and as she was still married that nothing more would happen.
Ok so now I'm wondering if he is moving too fast. We get on great and I like him but as this is my first date since my marriage is he moving things along too quickly? He is 40 and I am 38 - he can't have children and I have 2 girls 8 and 6.
Is he desperate to lock me into a relationship and thats why he gave me a key? He told me he had been on online dating sites for 5 years and been on dates. He messages me all the time and always first thing on a morning and last thing on a night. He seems to understand that I have 2 children and they come first.
Is he to good to be true?
thoughts

Who could be bothered with all that drama? Honestly, OP, you will be demented if you carry on with this.

well I'm hoping there is no more drama as he has warned her of the consquences if there is.

That’s assuming you believe his version of events.

Noone hacks into someone's phone bill and picks out a number, that's just rubbish.

This is a woman he knows and she saw your number on his phone when she was with him.

Pound to a penny he has two FB accounts.

Red Flag Bunting here !

Run @plof

Have you seen his email to her?

I think he's a fantasist, who's had a really boring life. He's invented this 'married woman who was madly in love with him' (so why didn't she just leave her husband and be with him then?) to make his past life sound more interesting, and he's doing all this 'besotted and angry ex' thing himself. Because he thinks it makes him look edgy, and he can pretend to be all protective over you by sending her 'stop this NOW!' type emails.

I will bet my bottom dollar that he's behind it all and is relying on your lack of techno-knowledge to spout a load of crap.

@Zaphodsotherhead 100% agree.

i have seen the email as he copied he sent his personal email a copy.

After spending two years on and off the online dating sites there are some real crazy people out there! There are too many weird things going on so I’d say run! I’m always concerned if a man wants to fast track a relationship and the psycho ex stuff is a little OTT. What are his Whattsapp settings? Does he have cheater settings? That’s basically the one where you can’t see when they were last online.

he said he tried to break up with her many times when she wouldn't leave her husband and that sending her husband the email last summer was finally the end for him .
he said she liked to control him and he felt used throughout the whole affair and that her sending me a message was just her way of showing her control over him
I know she won't be able to show up at my house as there is no way of getting my address.
he said that she has stalked him in the past...

you can't see the time he was online on his whatsapp settings.

Before she sent me the message I did feel as though I was being fast tracked which is why I wasn't sure about having a key to his flat.

He had said he has been on and off there for 4 years as he is ex found out that he had been on there before...

All this AND cheater settings! it just gets better.

haha I've never heard it called cheater settings before!

he is friends with me on Facebook though and I know he's blocked her and Ive blocked her.

The private WhatsApp settings are a worry, it's what a lot of guys who date more than one girl do in my experience. I'd been messaging a man for a couple of weeks and we were planning a date. As we had swapped numbers he came up on my people you may know on Facebook. I had a quick look and there were photos of him with a women that she had posted and tagged him in. I screenshot it and sent it to him and he said he dated her but they spilt up a while ago. I did some further investigation, she had an open Facebook profile and she'd commented only a few days before that he was her boyfriend. I screenshot that and sent that to him as well and surprisingly didn't hear from him again! 🤣🤣

You're not listening. You're focusing on the wrong things. It doesn't matter what the text said. He's clearly spinning a ton of lies. This won't end well. We are trying to save you from further heartache.

Then why wouldm't she send a message saying 'get your hands off my man, bitch, I can make your life hell'? Why send 'f'?

That sounds more like a mistake message from someone pocket dialling, that he has seized on to be 'proof' of his (non existent) stalky ex, A true stalker would send you a damn sight more than 'f'. Or they'd leave the message blank, for proper 'creepy' potential.

Ha! I actually call it 'cheater whattsapp' and have been known to ask men outright why they have 'cheater whattsapp'. 😆🤣🤣

I was dating a guy from OLD and insisted he changed from cheater to last seen, or I would be last seen there and then!

He sounds like he's not wired properly.
So many red flags popping up, it's just a sea of red.
He has some classic abuser moves going on.

1. Rushing the relationship.
2. Trying to triangulate with another woman.
3. Smear campaign of the Ex.

I would be very careful, he sounds like a narcissist/sociopath.

I agree Lexiepuppy. I've dated a few narcissists and they seem perfectly lovely and normal. My ex didn't show his true colours until almost a year in and we'd brought a house together.

What do you think about the suggestion that it could be him?

I don't display my whatsapp last seen and I'm not a cheater. I don't like to feel pressured into replying to people when it isn't convenient for me. I have a life and don't interrupt what I'm doing to respond to non-urgent chit chat.

Personally I think MN really hates anyone having a new relationship. Especially if they have children.

So far the ONLY thing that has happened that's a bit bizarre is that someone has sent you a message saying 'f'. ... and given you a reason for it. For this ONE thing, you have people seeing a whole carnival bunting of red flags 🤔..

He sounds like a lovely guy OP. As far as I can understand, it hasn't happened again and he personally hasn't done anything to upset you. He appears kind, open (given you a key to his flat) and understanding that your kids are your priority as far as seeing each other goes.

Personally, having friends OLD , this guy sounds a bloody site better than most of the game players on dating sites. I would keep it exactly as you are. See him without the kids. Keep family life and him separate until doubts are gone... and if they aren't , then move on, if they are move forward with introducing to children when YOU are ready.

It's all very well the MN mafia going on about 'no introductions for years' but the reality is that you will eventually need to know, not only how he is with you and no competition for attention from dcs, THAT for me would be the thing that tells if he is a keeper. Not when you both have only each other to focus on. Family life with dc and a step-father figure is the real test.

I have cheater whattsapp (for personal reasons) and I'm not a cheater either but in online dating terms it is a red flag. OP has concerns, people don't generally have concerns for no reason.