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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

moving too fast?

125 replies

plof · 07/10/2019 13:49

Hi
Ive recently started dating for the first time since separating from my husband. I was married or 15 years and the marriage effectively crumbled when he took a job overseas for 18 months - although he is back in the UK since July - too little to late for the marriage but great for our 2 kids. We are amicable and in August I took the step to go on line dating. I wasn't on long but someone messaged me and after chatting briefly I gave him my number as he seemed nice and I wanted to get off the site as too many messages were coming in.
Anyway he what sapped me straight away and after a week of chatting online we met up. He seems to be just what I need affectionate, attentive and understanding.
we have been seeing each other for about 6 weeks and mostly he was staying at mine while the girls are at their dads. this worked great but he wanted me to come to his flat - he lives about 20 miles away. I said I would come over for his birthday and we spent the night. we became friends on Facebook at this point (4 weeks in) and on instagram.
the next weekend he wanted me to come over and I said I had no car but I could get the train from work and then take the train back to work as it was a Monday morning - this seemed to work. However instead of giving me a lift to the station he said he would phone me a taxi and left me his key to lock up as he had to get to work for a meeting.
That day I left and I got a whatsapp message from an unknown number. I mentioned it to him and he said that it was his ex and that he had a feeling she would do this. When I asked him about his ex girlfriends in the past he said that he hadnt dated anyone seriously for over 8 years.
When I quizzed him further he said that this ex was a married woman who he had been involved with for 8 years and that he had ended things with her over a year ago and she lived close by to his flat. He said that she wouldn't cause any trouble as she had history of doing this before and was probably just trying to cause problems with us as she had probably stalked his Facebook page. He said he would email her and tell her to back off and as she was still married that nothing more would happen.
Ok so now I'm wondering if he is moving too fast. We get on great and I like him but as this is my first date since my marriage is he moving things along too quickly? He is 40 and I am 38 - he can't have children and I have 2 girls 8 and 6.
Is he desperate to lock me into a relationship and thats why he gave me a key? He told me he had been on online dating sites for 5 years and been on dates. He messages me all the time and always first thing on a morning and last thing on a night. He seems to understand that I have 2 children and they come first.
Is he to good to be true?
thoughts

OP posts:

Original poster

plof · 07/10/2019 17:04

I can oversee the affair as he was in love with her. He said she is just looking for revenge as he emailed her husband when it ended so she is just retaliating.
It defo had a pic of a woman’s face on the WhatsApp profile when I saved it.

OP posts:

MarianaMoatedGrange · 07/10/2019 17:05

This happened to a friend of mine and it turned out to be the guy messaging pretending to be the crazy ex

Is this more likely than your BF's phone being hacked by this woman?

Original poster

plof · 07/10/2019 17:05

I don’t think he is still in contact with her.she lives round the corner from him and he said that she has been driving past his flat lately.

OP posts:

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 07/10/2019 17:06

How on earth would he know she's driving past his flat?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2019 17:07

Too much drama here. I would block and delete this particular male individual. You do not need this hassle; relationships should not be such hard work honestly.

Love your own self for a change OP.

Your boundaries need reworking urgently upwards and you need more time to heal and recover from your previous marriage imploding as it did. Think you went back into online dating far too soon.

Original poster

plof · 07/10/2019 17:09

I don’t know if he was telling me as he sees a future for us and he said his family know about her. So in that respect it seems genuine of him to tell me as If I were to meet his family then there would be no secrets.

OP posts:

readitandwept · 07/10/2019 17:10

What does he mean by she's hacked his mobile account? As in she's phoned his supplier and got your number?? Because that would be mental. But I don't know how else she could have got it.

Original poster

plof · 07/10/2019 17:11

He said he’s seen her car go past and that he’s seen her walking from his estate when he’s been driving home.

OP posts:

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 07/10/2019 17:12

Runnnnn. Ruuuuunnn away.
His far fetched bullshit is a giant red flag.

pinkyredrose · 07/10/2019 17:13

He seems quite relaxed about her having your phone number, so do you. She couldn't have accidentally messaged a brand new number that wasn't in her phone, she would have had to do it deliberately.
If she's hacking his accounts what else does she know?

Whatisthisfuckery · 07/10/2019 17:16

OP, this is all fucked up, and it has more holes than my grannies fishnets. This is a new relationship, it shouldn’t be this stressful. If you continue to see him then be very careful, or in a few months you’ll be posting in here about how he’s still married or something.

Original poster

plof · 07/10/2019 17:20

I think the message was an accident - as she wouldn't have put f in the message ! does sound like it was accidental.

He said she won't hack anything else as he has warned her off and that he had just said that he will go to the police.

I have been to his flat and there was no evidence of a woman living there.

OP posts:

Original poster

plof · 07/10/2019 17:21

to be fair he could have just said he didn't know me but as I had saved her number and she must have had me in her contacts I could see her picture. she isn't friends with him on any social media.

OP posts:

Reallynowdear · 07/10/2019 17:22

Far too much shit going on here.

Do you mean your husband came home from his job July 2019, to you, then you were OLD August 2019?

Sorry if I have misread.

readitandwept · 07/10/2019 17:23

But how did she get your number? Hacked him how?

Original poster

plof · 07/10/2019 17:26

My husband went to work away last year and that was start of the end of the marriage. He left that job to come back home in July as I told him I wanted a divorce. Ive never dated anyone since I opened a profile this August.

OP posts:

Original poster

plof · 07/10/2019 17:27

from his onlne mobile account.

OP posts:

Original poster

plof · 07/10/2019 17:28

reading your answers it does seem weird but I believe that he was honest enough to give me a key and then tell me the story?
of course he didn't need to but at least now I know at the start rather than things move more serious and then i find out?

OP posts:

Original poster

plof · 07/10/2019 17:31

he was never on Facebook before and never friends on there with anyone he has dated. So although he hasn't changed his status to a relationship his friends and family can see him liking my posts etc

OP posts:

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 07/10/2019 17:31

I don't see how giving someone a key because you had to leave for work proves any level of honesty.

readitandwept · 07/10/2019 17:32

Why on earth would she, someone who wasn't even in a proper relationship with, have his log in details? Or is he claiming she just successfully guessed them? Even though she's pulled this shit before?

Original poster

plof · 07/10/2019 17:33

no he left me in his flat as he was leaving for work before me. He left me in the flat alone.

OP posts:

Original poster

plof · 07/10/2019 17:35

he said she is out for revenge to cause problems between us after he had sent her husband an email.
his passwords are quite easy to guess - he has shown me that he has changed them.

OP posts:

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 07/10/2019 17:37

Yes that's what I meant.

His story makes no sense. He's making this huge song and dance out of it. Saying she drives and walks past his house, and he just manages to see her every time?? That she has hacked into his online mobile account... my online mobile account is just where I log in to pay bills it doesn't have all my phone contacts stored so that part of his story makes no sense.
He initially told you he hasn't been in a relationship for 8 years. But then it turns out he had been involved in an affair for 8 years. Also, he's been in relationships with other women during that time, because he has said his affair partner has involved himself in those, so he's bold faced lied to you about his history.
Like I said.... ruuuuunnnn, ruuuunnnn away

Original poster

plof · 07/10/2019 17:37

it sounds so bizarre that the story has to be true because its crazy imagination if it isn't!

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