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Original poster

how to deal with sulky boyfriend

99 replies

iusedtobeaballerina · 07/10/2019 10:32

Me and DP had a disagreement over a very minor issue last week. Neither of us shouted/swore or even got that angry. I told him I didn't like it when he did this one thing, he said "okay" (quite annoyed) and said he wouldn't do it again.

We are in a LDR. After this phone call, he ignored me for two days despite me sending him messages asking him to talk/apologising for upsetting him. This was despite me sending him messages basically pleading for him to talk to me.

He eventually called me and said he was busy this coming week and even though we had a normal (ish) conversation for about an hour he said he wanted to talk about the issue when he was ready to (after his busy week). This was on Friday.

All weekend he was replying to me with cold-shoulder and minimal texts. He is still calling me my pet name/babe, but he's just acting like he could care less. I tried to keep conversation light and how it normally was, but he blanked these parts of the messages. He usually rings me over the weekend, but he didn't.

The issue that I brought up is a common problem in relationships, and to me, it's pretty much a dealbreaker. I wasn't offensive or nasty when I brought it up, more upset if that makes sense.

This is a pattern of behaviour by DP. Any time I bring up an issue he will ignore me for a number of days and then be cold towards me over messages. It always fills me with anxiety, and makes me think that the relationship is falling apart. The issue that I brought up is not enough to destroy a relationship (far from it), but I think the freezing out is soul-destroying.

I've told him before I don't like it and he has apologised, but here we are again in the same situation. He has told me he is depressed in the past and that he finds it hard to take criticism. I get that - but, I also have to express my own boundaries.

He's having a tough time of it recently with work and family stresses, and I can understand his reaction to the argument blowing up because he is tired/run down - but the continual cold shoulder is driving me nuts.

What should I do? Leave it? Ignore him too?

OP posts:
Hedgehogblues · 07/10/2019 10:36

Dump him. Life's too short for passive aggressive nonsense.

Guiltypleasures001 · 07/10/2019 10:37

Dump the controlling Pratt
And don't waste your precious life on an idiot who can't effectively communicate like a grown up

wisewomanmummy · 07/10/2019 10:39

Dump him. You shouldn't have to plead and beg someone to be normal.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2019 10:40

End this LDR, its not worth continuing. Do not make excuses for him.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?.

Many people have tough lives and do not resort to sulking behaviours as a result. This is learnt behaviour too, he has learnt that sulking works for him (and I would think one or both his parents act the same too).

He is a sulker and sulking furthermore is an example of emotional abuse. You're already seeing patterns of behaviour here and this will continue from him. Such people do not change.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2019 10:41

You are wasting your time. Find an actual adult to have a relationship with.

aweedropofsancerre · 07/10/2019 10:43

End it.... sounds like bloody hard work

RushianDisney · 07/10/2019 10:43

He is punishing you for stepping out of line, he has you begging and apologising profusely for an argument he has escalated by acting passive aggressively. That's certainly not my idea of a happy relationship, where conflicts will occur but can be resolved without resorting to ignoring the other person until they cave and apologise for something you were both involved in.

Shoxfordian · 07/10/2019 10:47

Just don't call him back ever again

MarianaMoatedGrange · 07/10/2019 11:01

Just don't call him back ever again

Yes, let him go OP and he can sulk for evermore without it impacting you.

Original poster
iusedtobeaballerina · 07/10/2019 11:12

it's infuriating being met with silence.

I am having a tough time too, but that doesn't seem important.

OP posts:
Beamur · 07/10/2019 11:19

I agree with all the above!
But depending on the person, sulkers can be turned around. My DH used to sulk - I think it was a technique he used on his ex wife.
However, I will be honest and say I didn't actually notice when he did it to me, which kind of took the wind out of his sails) as it is a technique to bring you to heel as it were.
In my situation, once he realised it had no power he had to find a better way to communicate with me.
I think the only way to deal with sulking is to ignore it completely, don't engage, don't try and explain or smooth things out. If you have an issue you need to be able to talk about it like sensible human beings.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 07/10/2019 11:19

Your tough time will not be important to him, as he is the one you must focus on, in his little world.

RLEOM · 07/10/2019 12:17

Think what he'll be like in years to come. It's only going to get worse!

My ex was like this and therefore couldn't handle any kind of serious discussion, just swept things under the carpet or sulked. My ex will never be able to have a long term relationship as he's incapable of resolving issues. And because of that, my baby is now without a full time dad.

rhubarb39 · 07/10/2019 12:24

Don't normally reply to threads but yours was very apt, I'm in a similar situation having been dumped while on holiday.. The silence is torture.. I sympathise

Original poster
iusedtobeaballerina · 07/10/2019 12:30

@RLEOM

My DP has only ever had one serious relationship before me and that was over 6 years ago. We're both in our late 20s. I am beginning to believe he will never be able to function in a relationship either; we've recently left the "honeymoon" period as life stresses set in.

I've been in abusive relationships before where I have been treated badly, but I never expected it off DP - he is very kind and very sensitive.

He struggles with his MH, and said to me only three weeks ago "I am scared that when I get bad I will push you away"

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 07/10/2019 12:30

Honestly, get rid.

You can't have a happy positive relationship with someone like this.

I would text telling him that you are not willing to accept treatment like this and you don't want to continue a relationship with someone who sulks and cold-shoulders you. It's not the first time, you've warned him that it's not acceptable to you and so things must end.

There's a 10% chance that he will get enough of a shock to turn his behaviour around, but if is his response then yours should be - do some serious thinking and come back to me in a month and say the same knowing that you are going to knock this nasty element of your personality on the head, and agree to counselling precisely to get to the bottom of it with the intention of learning better ways to communicate.

sheshootssheimplores · 07/10/2019 12:32

He is punishing you and if you continue the relationship it will only get worse.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/10/2019 12:32

"I am scared that when I get bad I will push you away"

How manipulative.

Translated: 'I'm likely to treat you badly so I'll just set myself up as a poor messed up boy that can't help it NOW, so you reframe my poor treatment of you as illness'

The reply to that is -'If you think your mental health is that bad you have a duty to yourself and our relationship to seek professional help so that our relationship doesn't become a casualty, because yes creating a low-level abusive dynamic isn't helpful to anyone. I wouldn't stay in a relationship like that, you are right to be worried.'

FizzyGreenWater · 07/10/2019 12:35

Oh and late twenties? Think ahead. Waste another couple of years with this guy and you will really regret it. Be tough now, and you'll thank yourself when you aren't 33-35 and suddenly single after the final 'just one more chance' has blown up in your face. You're young, but there isn't endless time to find a genuinely good partner if you want a family and a secure relationship.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 07/10/2019 12:54

@rhubarb39 your ex made it clear the relationship was over, though.

CharityDingle · 07/10/2019 12:56

Dump his sulky arse and move on.

MsPavlichenko · 07/10/2019 13:15

You are in another abusive relationship.

Please google that Freedom Programme. It will help you whether you continue in this relationship or not.

RLEOM · 07/10/2019 13:18

But when the novelty wears off properly, he's going to be an absolute nightmare! Do you want to kill your soul and your inner happiness?

I know it's crap but it'll save you a future of heartache.

RLEOM · 07/10/2019 13:23

Oh and my ex was kind and sensitive, but that all flew out the window after a major argument. It got so bad on his part that one month after I gave birth, something happened inside my stomach/womb that I thought I was dying from internal bleeding. He called an ambulance and just left me in agony on my own for an hour in our bedroom - I wouldn't have even done that to my worst enemy! I would've stayed with them to make sure they were OK! And this was all because we had a major fall out a few weeks before our daughter was born and he had point blank refused to discuss it as it was too painful - he would rather resent me and leave me to die!

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crystalize · 07/10/2019 13:25

He's got you right where he wants you. Grovelling and pleading for him to talk. Why were you apologizing?

He cares only about his needs. Please dump this loser.

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