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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

how to deal with sulky boyfriend

99 replies

iusedtobeaballerina · 07/10/2019 10:32

Me and DP had a disagreement over a very minor issue last week. Neither of us shouted/swore or even got that angry. I told him I didn't like it when he did this one thing, he said "okay" (quite annoyed) and said he wouldn't do it again.

We are in a LDR. After this phone call, he ignored me for two days despite me sending him messages asking him to talk/apologising for upsetting him. This was despite me sending him messages basically pleading for him to talk to me.

He eventually called me and said he was busy this coming week and even though we had a normal (ish) conversation for about an hour he said he wanted to talk about the issue when he was ready to (after his busy week). This was on Friday.

All weekend he was replying to me with cold-shoulder and minimal texts. He is still calling me my pet name/babe, but he's just acting like he could care less. I tried to keep conversation light and how it normally was, but he blanked these parts of the messages. He usually rings me over the weekend, but he didn't.

The issue that I brought up is a common problem in relationships, and to me, it's pretty much a dealbreaker. I wasn't offensive or nasty when I brought it up, more upset if that makes sense.

This is a pattern of behaviour by DP. Any time I bring up an issue he will ignore me for a number of days and then be cold towards me over messages. It always fills me with anxiety, and makes me think that the relationship is falling apart. The issue that I brought up is not enough to destroy a relationship (far from it), but I think the freezing out is soul-destroying.

I've told him before I don't like it and he has apologised, but here we are again in the same situation. He has told me he is depressed in the past and that he finds it hard to take criticism. I get that - but, I also have to express my own boundaries.

He's having a tough time of it recently with work and family stresses, and I can understand his reaction to the argument blowing up because he is tired/run down - but the continual cold shoulder is driving me nuts.

What should I do? Leave it? Ignore him too?

OP posts:

rhubarb39 · 07/10/2019 13:45

Marion yes but prior to this he sulked over stuff hence me not knowing how he felt.. And now he's finished things he's stropping which is ironic cobsidering it's what he wanted

Apileofballyhoo · 07/10/2019 13:52

That "scared he'll push you away" thing is just manipulative bullshit. Translation - allow me to be horrible to you without you leaving me.

If he cared about you he wouldn't be horrible to you.

Luckily you're not married and you don't have DC so you can get rid of him. Freedom programme if you haven't done so already. You are still being abused, it's just not physical abuse. There's a book called Why does he do that?, or something similar, by, I think, Lundy Bancroft. You need to learn to recognise the signs.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/10/2019 13:56

he ignored me for two days despite me sending him messages asking him to talk/apologising for upsetting him. This was despite me sending him messages basically pleading for him to talk to me

Firstly.... stop begging and pleading.
That makes you look very needy and clingy.

So he is abusing you!!! You know that right?
Stonewalling abuse is horrible.
You know you need to dump him.
None of this is OK and a LDR anyway.
Who can be asked with all that shite!
NEXT........

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower · 07/10/2019 14:07

I had an ex like this.

His sulking never lasted though because I didn't play the game and so he'd relent and contact me.

I didnt end it as quickly as I should have but, eventually, i told him that if you push people far enough away, at some point, they won't come back.

He was sad and so I was I, tbh, because the mice bits of him were lovely but I'm not putting up with that nonsense. I'm am adult and want to be with an adult.

LonginesPrime · 07/10/2019 14:54

Dump him. You shouldn't have to plead and beg someone to be normal

^ This.

LDR are hard, but on the plus-side, they definitely sort the wheat from the chaff.

sonjadog · 07/10/2019 16:00

Never ever plead someone you are in a relationship to talk to you. By doing that you are giving all the power to someone who does not deserve it. A good person will never put you in that position. If you feel you are being put in this position again, take it as a huge sign that you should just walk away.

Original poster

iusedtobeaballerina · 07/10/2019 16:55

Spoke to dp on the phone

He said the silent treatment was because he was confused.

He has now said we keep arguing about the same issue. This is our second ever argument, and it's not about the same thing. He said I am sabotaging the relationship, and that I am filling his head with doubts.

He then said he has felt distance between us for two weeks (incidentally the time of our first argument 🙄) and that he can't think of a way for us to go back to normal.

We haven't spent any time together since our argument, and I said the silent treatment has increased the distance

Dp said he would call me later tonight. At this point I'm done with the whole thing, whole lot of drama over nothing. If he wants it to be done, so be it. Im not convincing him to stay

OP posts:

LemonadeLife · 07/10/2019 17:34

He is now trying to blame you because you dared to criticise him, and set the narrative that you are the one who ruined the relationship. Please don't give him the chance to dump you OP, get in there first and assert yourself. You will bolster your own sense of self esteem and self respect if you do. Tell him you're done, block him and then as others have advised, do the Freedom Programme so that you learn from this experience.

MsPavlichenko · 07/10/2019 17:35

Why not be proactive and decide yourself to leave. He is now adding gaslighting to his abusive techniques. Get out.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 07/10/2019 18:20

Oh OP, just dump this headfuck.

category12 · 07/10/2019 18:29

He created the distance.

Take control, I don't know why you're being passive as though if he doesn't end it, you'll stay in the relationship for more of the same. Why?

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/10/2019 18:52

You've seen behind the curtain now. You know how it works. You argue and he gets all hurt and has to retreat because you've 'hurt him so badly' and then he 'senses distance' blah blah blah. And then he'll probably grudgingly agree to give it another go, because when you're good you're good, blah blah blah. Rinse. And. Repeat.

When he calls to talk, defuse the whole thing by telling him you know exactly how this works and bye bye, he can try it all on someone else. Get the upper hand by getting your dumping in first.

Janaih · 07/10/2019 18:58

you're not going to finish it are you? :(
please listen to the unanimous advice, take control and get rid of this twat.

TheJoxter · 07/10/2019 18:59

Can’t help but wonder if you’re dating my ex! He once sulked for an entire week with no explanation. Sulking was his go-to behaviour when things were going his way. (He’s also in an LDR and we were together just over 6 years ago and are in our late 20s so it actually all matches up! he doesn’t have a child does he...?) my advice is run for the hills! Sulking instead of talking things through is cruel and manipulative.

TheJoxter · 07/10/2019 19:00

When things WEREN’T going his way that should say

Interestedwoman · 07/10/2019 19:01

He's trying to turn it round on you and say there's something wrong with how you act. Please don't believe it. xxx This guy is a wanker. Please get rid of him. Hugs xxx

TimeforanotherChange · 07/10/2019 19:04

Oh God, please just end it. Don't do the if he wants it to be done shit. YOU want it to be done - he's immature, sulky and not meeting your needs.

If/when he phones, just tell him you've nothing to discuss because you are ending the relationship - or even better, YOU phone HIM and tell him.

This doesn't need to be a mutual decision, and it doesn't have to depend on what or how he feels.

sonjadog · 07/10/2019 19:07

So you are sabotaging the relationship by having your own opinions? Yeah, I would get rid of this one.

RueCambon · 07/10/2019 19:15

Agree with interpretations given. He can push you away because he has warned you he will push you away.....

Id give him a lot of silence now. Let him figure out gradually he is dumped

RueCambon · 07/10/2019 19:20

He cant even own his indecision. He puts it on you saying that you are filling his head with doubts!

All designed to make everything your fault. His indecision. His sulking. His doubts.

springydaff · 07/10/2019 19:21

He's training you to never criticise him again. Gradually, he will get you walking eggshells, terrified you're going to say or do something that will set off a 'sulk'.

It's not sulking btw, it's emotional abuse. It is calculated. He knows full well how much it hurts you but that's the point! You're meant to really go through it so you don't criticise him again.

All the MH shit is bullshit. When I'm depressed I can't think my way out of a paper bag, I wouldn't be able to orchestrate such detailed abuse. Tailor made for you, op.

It won't get better, it will get worse, much worse. He's already gearing up to blame you for it. This is how your relationship will go and it'll get so bad you'll think you're mad and think you'd be better off dead. I'm not exaggerating.

RueCambon · 07/10/2019 19:27

And never to express a need or ask for more, as that would be "sabotaging the relationship".

But when he sulks and blames you and distances himself from you, that isn't him sabotaging the relationship. It's still you , filling his head with doubts.

You cannot win. It will all always be your fault.

Original poster

iusedtobeaballerina · 07/10/2019 19:28

@springydaff

I have been saying out loud to myself on my own for days now "I wish I was dead "

OP posts:

SherbetSaucer · 07/10/2019 19:29

This was despite me sending him messages basically pleading for him to talk to me

Don’t ever plead to someone like this. It’s this behaviour that makes people think they can walk all over you. The first time he displayed this ridiculously manipulative behaviour I’d have said ‘this sulking shit stops now or we’re done’.

RueCambon · 07/10/2019 19:31

@iusedtobeaballerina then you might as well leave. You have nothing to lose. There is no risk at all.

I was scared to leave my x in case i regrettedit. WHY ON EARTH I THOUGHT ID REGRET IT I DO NOT KNOW

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