how to deal with sulky boyfriend

[iusedtobeaballerina]

Me and DP had a disagreement over a very minor issue last week. Neither of us shouted/swore or even got that angry. I told him I didn't like it when he did this one thing, he said "okay" (quite annoyed) and said he wouldn't do it again.

We are in a LDR. After this phone call, he ignored me for two days despite me sending him messages asking him to talk/apologising for upsetting him. This was despite me sending him messages basically pleading for him to talk to me.

He eventually called me and said he was busy this coming week and even though we had a normal (ish) conversation for about an hour he said he wanted to talk about the issue when he was ready to (after his busy week). This was on Friday.

All weekend he was replying to me with cold-shoulder and minimal texts. He is still calling me my pet name/babe, but he's just acting like he could care less. I tried to keep conversation light and how it normally was, but he blanked these parts of the messages. He usually rings me over the weekend, but he didn't.

The issue that I brought up is a common problem in relationships, and to me, it's pretty much a dealbreaker. I wasn't offensive or nasty when I brought it up, more upset if that makes sense.

This is a pattern of behaviour by DP. Any time I bring up an issue he will ignore me for a number of days and then be cold towards me over messages. It always fills me with anxiety, and makes me think that the relationship is falling apart. The issue that I brought up is not enough to destroy a relationship (far from it), but I think the freezing out is soul-destroying.

I've told him before I don't like it and he has apologised, but here we are again in the same situation. He has told me he is depressed in the past and that he finds it hard to take criticism. I get that - but, I also have to express my own boundaries.

He's having a tough time of it recently with work and family stresses, and I can understand his reaction to the argument blowing up because he is tired/run down - but the continual cold shoulder is driving me nuts.

What should I do? Leave it? Ignore him too?

Take back control and block him
Or send him a text, saying his behaviour is unacceptable and not worth the effort, then block him

He's had you dangling like a puppet for weeks, if you let him call you, he'll be all lovely to reel you back in, so he can treat you badly next week.

No relationship, no man, is worth feeling like that, OP.

It's not supposed to be like this. Dump the fucker.

Tell him to not bother visiting ever again. It's not supposed to be such hard work.

There are three threads on here by the same OP about a sulking husband, the current one is called Divorcing sulking DH or similar. The OP has had years of a sulking husband including him throwing major sulks on the anniversary of the dealth of a close relative and another on her birthday IIRC. It is a difficult read in places but his sulking has been controlling, as well as emotionally and financially abusive. She is finally divorcing him and he is using the children as weapons as well. Its worth reading some or all of her threads to see how this can go.

Tell him to fuck off.

sorry
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?msgid=90625732
However you will never be as important to him as he is to himself - and he is preparing you to be totally at his beck and call. Ignore him if he sulks, definately don't beg him to speak to you or apologise automatically if you argue. TBH finish it.

My mum is a sulker. It's worked for her for years. She loves the cajoling and pleading.

On occasion when she's being honest she's admitted that she's planned her "little sulks".

She enjoys it and so does your DP.

oh love. Get rid of him [flowers

I have been saying out loud to myself on my own for days now "I wish I was dead

Someone who cared about you and treated you well would never ever make you feel like this. You must see how damaging his treatment of you is?

Take back control for your mental health's sake and get this damaging person out of your life.

He's making sure that you don't have or express an opinion and therefore will allow him to behave badly because he'll sulk, go silent and if after you've begged and pleaded it'll be your fault. He's training you well and you're complying. You'll stop saying anything which will cause him to stop speaking and you'll be apologising for him treating you like a twat.

Btw in your OP you say this is a pattern of behaviour by your DP and then say that you've only previously had one argument. This seems to imply that he sulks even without an argument.

Get rid of him now, he's an abusive prick. Raise your boundaries, you deserve to be treated with respect at the very least

I am devastated to be honest, I feel like I attract hate from everyone. I tried so hard with him to make him happy and he just ended up hating me like all the exes.

It's not up to you to make him happy iusedtobe. You are not responsible for keeping him happy, he's not a child.

And if your exes hate you - so what? They're exes!

Why is his happiness more important than yours? Love yourself and don't take shit from arseholes! The first time he showed this kind of behaviour you should have binned and moved on. Stop trying so hard to please men and start pleasing yourself. You can be a nice person without being a door mat.

Dump his sorry arse and from now on, with any man in the future, remember YOU are the prize and they're lucky to be with you

Maybe you try too hard?

Dump the twat and be kinder to yourself. Cold shoulder behaviour is unforgivable.

My current dp and I made a promise to each other that this behaviour was an absolute deal breaker. Because it is x

Try this. It was an enormous help to me after leaving my abusive husband.

You've been kind to the wrong operation. Your kindness to you buries you and makes you while; he spits out your kindness to him (pearls before swine) and uses it as a weapon.

Strong language. Time you poured all your great kindness into yourself ♥️

Ffs!

You've been kind to the wrong person. Your kindness to you nurtures you and makes you whole; he spits out your kindness to him (pearls before swine) and uses it as a weapon.

Pick your pride up off the floor and dump him. Honestly - chasing after a silly man like that? The level of his pettiness would have me yawning. Kids get told off for sulking yet women chase grow men who sulk..!

Sulking is rude, petty and boring. There are far better things to do in life than let it impact you

I have been saying out loud to myself on my own for days now "I wish I was dead "

No way @iusedtobeaballerina :(xx Hugs xxx Do you have a history of mental health struggles? (I do, so I understand.) If you get more therapy or get/change or up meds, you might find it helps you not get involved with these types- if one comes along you'll more easily show them the door or run in the other direction.

This is not a criticism- I like to think it's helped me. Best wishes xxx

@iusedtobeaballerina please listen to me. I completely hear what you are saying. I have 100% been there in the past and have a string of relationships like this. At times I felt I might just die. However it took an incredible low for me to start therapy and through that I learnt that my pattern of relationships stemmed from my upbringing and wasn't my fault! It was like a fog lifting from my eyes. I had attracted a series of bullies, controlling, manipulative and coercive men into my life for years and could never understand why it always ended unhappily when I tried so hard to make our life together lovely and treated them so nice. I now know it was learned behaviour from me to accept awful, intolerable behaviour as if it was simply normal, even thinking it must be me who was the problem! Well I've got news for you- you are not the problem. There is nothing wrong with you. You are amazing. It's him who is an unhealthy, manipulative sulker who is controlling you. Please let the fog lift from your eyes. What's brilliant is that you have spotted it! However bad you feel, something made you come onto MN and post this. That was your true self looking after you. Listen to that gut instinct of yours- it's there to protect you.

Somewhere along the way you've learned to have no healthy boundaries and to imagine there is something wrong with you and that you must keep trying to make him and others happier. This is not your fault, it's probably down to your childhood programming. But it IS your responsibility now, as a grown adult, to look after yourself, and to listen to that voice inside your gut which prompted you to come on here and ask advice. Time to re-write your future and learn how to have healthy adult relationships.

Please leave this man today, he is no good. Seek some counselling or therapy as soon as you can, just try it. Read about co-dependency or look up YouTube videos about it to get you started. Above all start putting yourself first - you owe it to your younger self to get this sorted so that one day in the future you give yourself a chance of happiness and real respectful love.

(By the way, I did eventually learn to love myself and am now happily married to a loving, respectful husband).

Good luck xx

He is reeling off the playbook I'll give him that - thinks he will push you away so you try and prove him wrong by doing whatever it takes to prove to him that you'll stay, basically saying that you're the problem so you constantly check your behaviour and change it to suit him and walk on eggshells so as not to upset him etc etc, seriously dump the prick it wont get any better and will leave you with your self esteem on the floor and like you're not good enough for anyone which is exactly where he wants you by the sound of it. Take the power back and push back, if he dumps you its because you're not being the subservient woman he wants, not because you're the problem

@Interestedwoman yes, I have a history of PTSD (from rape) and depression. Thank you for your kind words.

@LemonadeLife thank you for your post, it made me cry a little bit.

He text me at 9pm asking why I hadn't rang, and that I can ring tomorrow. I've turned my phone off and treating tonight as the first step of ignoring him for good now. It will be hard, but I know you are all right.

I've been here, these short silent treatments were the starter episodes. Eventually my mental health deteriorated and life became untenable. All of this coincided exactly with the negativity, gaslighting and ever lengthening silent treatments.

The only way I gained control and eventually started to live for myself and my dc was by blocking and working through my own trauma associated with it all. I grey rocked any and all contact until he finally got bored and found a new supply.

I now have genuinely happy times, times that I can speak my own mind and have an opinion without fear of repercussions or if how I've said something could be wrongly twisted. I admit, even some time later, there are still low moments but they pass quickly and my anger and hatred is far more prevalent than any sadness. Allow yourself to get angry, he never deserved you.

You’ve already surprised him by going off-script. His intention was that you would approach him to apologise, understand and make things right. There’s no real indication there that he’s reaching out. Which, by the way, is what you do in healthy relationships. Especially in a LDR where it takes extra effort to remain in touch. It’s the silent treatment that creates distance, not disagreements. In fact, there’s tons of evidence that points to the fact that it’s not how many disagreements you have that indicates whether a relationship is healthy or not, it’s how those disagreements are dealt with (and how many good times you have in between).

The reason you feel so awful is because he is emotionally bullying you. Because of your PTSD this has hit you hard. I work in domestic violence advocacy, and I can say pretty confidently that this is not a one-off because he feels confused. This is what he does (for whatever reason) when he feels upset with you. It’s how he deals with disagreements. And that doesn’t work for you because you end up feeling like you wish you were dead. This is NOT a healthy, nurturing relationship.

Incidentally, you can’t make someone else happy. You cannot be responsible for anyone else’s emotions. You can facilitate someone else’s happiness, but you can’t create it, and it’s unfair for anyone to expect you to do the impossible.

I’m also interested that you say he will think you are just like all his other exes. Someone who tells you all his other exes were awful is a huge red flag. Ditto if he doesn’t take any responsibility for the failures of his previous relationships. For one thing, it can be a massive manipulation tactic because your internal response to that kind of statement is to resolve not to be like them. To be so great to him that you’ll never rock the boat to prove you’re better. In short, if you EVER meet anyone who tells you all his exes were awful, it tells you that he diverts blame, has no sense of accountability, and you can be pretty sure that at some point you will join the ranks of ‘awful exes’ when he’s describing his past relationships to the next woman he’s lining up.