how to deal with sulky boyfriend

[iusedtobeaballerina]

Me and DP had a disagreement over a very minor issue last week. Neither of us shouted/swore or even got that angry. I told him I didn't like it when he did this one thing, he said "okay" (quite annoyed) and said he wouldn't do it again.

We are in a LDR. After this phone call, he ignored me for two days despite me sending him messages asking him to talk/apologising for upsetting him. This was despite me sending him messages basically pleading for him to talk to me.

He eventually called me and said he was busy this coming week and even though we had a normal (ish) conversation for about an hour he said he wanted to talk about the issue when he was ready to (after his busy week). This was on Friday.

All weekend he was replying to me with cold-shoulder and minimal texts. He is still calling me my pet name/babe, but he's just acting like he could care less. I tried to keep conversation light and how it normally was, but he blanked these parts of the messages. He usually rings me over the weekend, but he didn't.

The issue that I brought up is a common problem in relationships, and to me, it's pretty much a dealbreaker. I wasn't offensive or nasty when I brought it up, more upset if that makes sense.

This is a pattern of behaviour by DP. Any time I bring up an issue he will ignore me for a number of days and then be cold towards me over messages. It always fills me with anxiety, and makes me think that the relationship is falling apart. The issue that I brought up is not enough to destroy a relationship (far from it), but I think the freezing out is soul-destroying.

I've told him before I don't like it and he has apologised, but here we are again in the same situation. He has told me he is depressed in the past and that he finds it hard to take criticism. I get that - but, I also have to express my own boundaries.

He's having a tough time of it recently with work and family stresses, and I can understand his reaction to the argument blowing up because he is tired/run down - but the continual cold shoulder is driving me nuts.

What should I do? Leave it? Ignore him too?

Mind you, I could say all my exes were awful - because I was stuck in a cycle of abuse ie I attracted abusive men. BUT I did the work, had the (extensive) therapy, read the books, did the courses (still do..).

It wasn't my fault but it was my responsibility ie I could do something about it - to address and change my cracked relationship pattern, learned in primary relationships.

Still haven't replied, feeling better

Well done ballerina! so many of here who've had to rid ourselves of toxic men. It's hard at first, but the sense of control over your life you begin to feel is wonderful! any time you're itching to contact him - post here instead. I take it you're not ready to block him yet?

Good one OP!!

Yes mate!!!! Never reply. Block him in fact

I just didn't see this coming at all. He seems to have gone off me overnight.

I don’t agree that he has ‘gone off you. He is showing you who he is and that is someone who is emotionally abusive. Sounds like you have had a tough time over the years and may need some support and time being single

He hasn't gone off you. He is trying to manipulate you into a position where you will never have opinions that disagree with his.

I agree. He hasn't 'gone off you'. He's training you, like a dog. Don't ever question him or upset him or he will withdraw all affection, make it your fault, take himself away...

Do you see how it works? When he's ready to 'forgive' you, you will be so happy to get his attention back that you will roll over onto your back for a word of praise and acceptance... Only you won't. Because you will never speak to this piece of shit again, will you?

It's not even a good way to train a dog. In humans, it's just nasty.

Once a sucker always a sucker. It’s one of the worst personality traits you can have. Definitely leave now

I've told him before I don't like it and he has apologised, but here we are again in the same situation.

So you sort of have seen it coming, haven't you, OP? It's not out of the blue.

Ohhhh he hasn't gone off you.

Right now he's probably slightly confused, waiting, not quite sure what to do next to get back the upper hand he seems to have lost.

What was supposed to happen, you see, is for you to get really upset at the silent treatment, to ring, to message, crying, apologies, promises to be better. And for him to listen in from the other end, smirking slightly, enjoying the sense of power over you and getting a little kick out of being able to upset you so much.

And... you didn't.

What? Hang on. She's supposed to be in bits. I'll ring her again and lay it on thick and try some new tactics. 'This is all you. You're the one sabotaging. I'm being silent because I'm confused. This isn't just one argument, it's a pattern. You're dysfunctional.'

(Losing it slightly there. Arguing about the same thing all the time? It's only the second argument you've ever had and it's about something different, you note. But that's because you've got him rattled, OP, he wasn't supposed to have to do anything more to get you nice and hysterical, so he's clutching at straws a bit and because you now aren't hysterical and are beginning to see through him, you've noticed it...)

So here we are today. You still haven't played the game. He doesn't know what to do now.

My prediction is that there will either be total silence as he will cut his losses, realising he can't get that narcissistic supply from you. Or, he'll slink back with some different tactic - possibly some dramatic 'last message' about severing ties which lets you know how badly you've treated him.

I'd ignore pretty much, and if it's a 'final message' I'd just send a breezy reply with 'Good idea, we clearly aren't making each other happy and I'm clearly not the person for you, best of luck, bye.'

None of this is about caring for you or losing that care - he never had it.

Well done on putting up your boundaries with this nasty shit.

@FizzyGreenWater

What i struggle to understand is the narcissist bit; I am looking back at "red flags" that might indicate narcissism (he told me he struggled with empathy/he said he knew I was vulnerable when I started dating him)

... but, he had a bad childhood, very physically abusive and he has the scars to prove it. Is this not where someone needs to be kind to him? Is it really his fault that he can't deal with disagreements, when he was punished so much as a child?

I know that's a stupid thing to say, but I can't help but feel so sorry for him.

Unfortunately he is probably following the abuse cycle.
If he was abused as a child - he will become abusive.
Has he had some help for this?
Without it he will always be like this.
It's not up to you to fix him.
I realise you feel sorry for him, but you cannot accept abuse because you feel sorry for someone.
That way madness lies!
He is far away.
Let him sort his own life out.
Sounds harsh! Probably is harsh.
But you need to look out for No. 1 and not accept any abuse from anyone! No matter what their circumstances are.

You've had brilliant advice but I just wanted to highlight this:

He text me at 9pm asking why I hadn't rang, and that I can ring tomorrow.

Who made him lord and master of you?!

He needs therapy for the historical abuse he went through, but that is not your remit.

Keep strong!

Many many abusive men have a background that explains the abuse. It doesn't excuse it.

It is als not unusual for women to feel desperately sorry for our abusers ( I did). It can be one of the reasons we stay with them.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Be careful. He is young, so still an amateur. The mature, professional sulker can string out episodes like this for days, weeks, even for months.

You don't want to end up living like that when you have a house, a marriage, financial commitments or children.

I write from experience, unfortunately.

He hasnt gone off you overnight....he is showing his true colours.

OP you are worth so much more than this

Being "kind" to someone / pouring love into someone doesn't cure them or erase the past. His bucket has a lot of holes in it, maybe all created by past trauma, maybe some are self-created. But the only person who can fix those holes, is him.

Absorbing his abuse isn't kindness and it isn't helping him. People don't respect the people they hurt, they hate them all the more because we're all the heroes of our own narrative, and so our victims must deserve it, (and more) . By sticking around for more abuse, you're not helping him, other than to become a worse person. You can't love someone to good mental health. They have to do it themselves.

category12 what astute words particularly the last paragraph

He does deserve kindness, you are right. But kindness is not letting him walk all over you and your feelings. Kindness is being clear in your messages and putting in boundaries without flying off the handle at him. Kindness is ending it without turning it into a slagging match.

Too many women seem to equate kindness with being a doormat for other people. It turns up again and again on MN. Women who have unpleasant people dominating their lives because they have to be "kind". This is an issue that really needs to be addressed.

Is it really his fault that he can't deal with disagreements, when he was punished so much as a child?

No no no no. You're not his psychiatrist. You were trying to have a relationship with him, that means he needs to have the basic skills in place to have said relationship. You can't teach him to be an adult. He needs to show up as an adult as a condition of having a relationship with another adult.

Is this not where someone needs to be kind to him?

The kindest thing to do with someone who doesn't have relationship skills, is to not try to have a relationship with them. Let them be so that they have time and space to learn what they need to learn.

Taking your username as source material, if you're a ballet dancer and you're looking for a dance partner for a pas de deux - do you pair up with an accountant who's never danced? Or a fellow dancer? which is more sensible?

What if the accountant REALLY wants to dance that pas de deux? Should you say sure, I'll make it work, and drag them through the dance, and let them drop you, not be able to jump high enough, hurt you, hurt themselves? Is that kind?

No, the kind thing to do is direct them to a ballet master and urge them to reset their expectations. You might dance with them occasionally to help them learn, at most... but you'd never commit to a stage show with them. You'd find a partner who knows how to dance.

If you are ever in a situation where you have to teach a partner how to be a partner - just no.

Kindness DOES NOT mean simply giving people what they demand. Often the least kind thing is to give in to demands... true kindness almost always includes saying no and setting a boundary. Allowing someone priority in your life when they hurt you isn't kindness.

He's now old enough to see that he had been abused and get help to deal with it.
He's an adult and he's in charge of his behaviour.
If he wants to he can go get help with this and his mental health
You're not responsible for him or for his actions. Those are his alone.
You cannot change him all you can do is change your reaction to his behaviour.
You've done nothing wrong so don't apologize to him or beg him to talk to you.
He's an adult who will talk if he wants to. He just likes it when you come begging. Makes him feel powerful and good.

You deserve to be treated like a queen not a doormat. You're in charge of you. Xxx