Am I being too hard on him?

[Lifemong]

Hello all, would like some thoughts on my situation if its possible as I dont know if what I'm doing is right.

I have been with my OH for 6 years. We have had some major ups and major downs. I can only explain his personality as something I have never experienced before. He is a very kind hearted calm and quiet man. He lives a clean life. We are different nationalities and had quite different upbringing, me being English and he Spanish.

He has always had very high opinions of himself and that no one on this earth is better than him, he makes harsh critics and comments about other peoples lives. I on the other hand am a warm and sensitive soul and I also question alot.

We broke up for a short while last year, the reason i left him was because i found him talking to another woman online whilst i was in hospital as I lost my pregnancy. It 3 months of sleeping in the other room to decide this relationship wasnt for me due to ALL of the above. He came back to me and promised change and how he could not see his life without me. We got back together, I noticed some changes in terms of bring more with me but recently his ways have started slipping again. He is not the type to be cheating again and after what happened I have full access to his online life.

Like I said above he is very stick in his ways and everything we seems to do is about him, his activities, his family etc... when it comes to doing my things he isn't around because they dont interest him. He is an adrenaline junkie so going for a meal or a day at the beach would bore him to death.

Recently my family came to stay and he did everything he possibly could to avoid us, no conversation with them etc.. didn't want to do anything we were doing. Then he wanted to bring his brother and his child to the house to stay over. I said it was going to be too much with 7 people already staying in a small flat. He flat out refused and said I was being dramatic and really his intentions were not bad he just wanted us all go be together. I had planned a day out for us all to be together and there really was no reason that his family needed to come and stay. They come over all the time and stay with us. I told him it was my family time and that was it. He hit the roof and caused all kind of problems in front of my family.

A couple of weeks on and were still not on talking terms. I have started to analyse the relationship in full again instead of just going with the flow of daily life. I have told him we are very different people and seems to be having the same argument over and over again, different subject same outcome. I dont feel heard or respected by him. If I'm upset about something he will normally give s harsh answer and say forget about it.

Tonight it's really come to ahead and after 2 weeks he just wants to hug it out and move on. He has commented that his opinions are high and does say harsh comments and he will try to think before he speaks from now on but for me it almost feels like it's not enough. Been there got the shirt kind of feeling. I need to see actions but is actions are a hug and I just dont want it right now. I have told him this has damaged us yet again and I feel I would be better off alone than keep what I feel is a struggle to be heard. I also dont want to change the guy if thats how he is hard/cold then that's who he is and were just not meant to be. I dont want him walking around on eggshells watching every word he says.

He has told me tonight that I'm stupid and that I think about everything too deep and I've gone so cold on him but thats it hes got nothing more to say.

Now I'm wondering if I'm being too harsh on this guy or let him walk out of my life and he cant be free of me.

Subject:
Am I being too hard on him?

Message:
Hello all, would like some thoughts on my situation if its possible as I dont know if what I'm doing is right.

I have been with my OH for 6 years. We have had some major ups and major downs. I can only explain his personality as something I have never experienced before. He is a very kind hearted calm and quiet man. He lives a clean life. We are different nationalities and had quite different upbringing, me being English and he Spanish.

He has always had very high opinions of himself and that no one on this earth is better than him, he makes harsh critics and comments about other peoples lives. I on the other hand am a warm and sensitive soul and I also question alot.

We broke up for a short while last year, the reason i left him was because i found him talking to another woman online whilst i was in hospital as I lost my pregnancy. It 3 months of sleeping in the other room to decide this relationship wasnt for me due to ALL of the above. He came back to me and promised change and how he could not see his life without me. We got back together, I noticed some changes in terms of bring more with me but recently his ways have started slipping again. He is not the type to be cheating again and after what happened I have full access to his online life.

Like I said above he is very stick in his ways and everything we seems to do is about him, his activities, his family etc... when it comes to doing my things he isn't around because they dont interest him. He is an adrenaline junkie so going for a meal or a day at the beach would bore him to death.

Recently my family came to stay and he did everything he possibly could to avoid us, no conversation with them etc.. didn't want to do anything we were doing. Then he wanted to bring his brother and his child to the house to stay over. I said it was going to be too much with 7 people already staying in a small flat. He flat out refused and said I was being dramatic and really his intentions were not bad he just wanted us all go be together. I had planned a day out for us all to be together and there really was no reason that his family needed to come and stay. They come over all the time and stay with us. I told him it was my family time and that was it. He hit the roof and caused all kind of problems in front of my family.

A couple of weeks on and were still not on talking terms. I have started to analyse the relationship in full again instead of just going with the flow of daily life. I have told him we are very different people and seems to be having the same argument over and over again, different subject same outcome. I dont feel heard or respected by him. If I'm upset about something he will normally give s harsh answer and say forget about it.

Tonight it's really come to ahead and after 2 weeks he just wants to hug it out and move on. He has commented that his opinions are high and does say harsh comments and he will try to think before he speaks from now on but for me it almost feels like it's not enough. Been there got the shirt kind of feeling. I need to see actions but is actions are a hug and I just dont want it right now. I have told him this has damaged us yet again and I feel I would be better off alone than keep what I feel is a struggle to be heard. I also dont want to change the guy if thats how he is hard/cold then that's who he is and were just not meant to be. I dont want him walking around on eggshells watching every word he says.

He has told me tonight that I'm stupid and that I think about everything too deep and I've gone so cold on him but thats it hes got nothing more to say.

Now I'm wondering if I'm being too harsh on this guy or let him walk out of my life and he cant be free of me.

"Today he said cant I show him a little love, show him a little that I miss him."

They all have the same fucking script. How many times have I heard THAT???

"All I want is to be loved" "Did you miss me?" "Don't you love me?"

A few days after getting back together, finding fault with my appearance or making a snarky remark.

No, how can I fucking show you love when you abandoned me during a miscarriage and went looking for a shag online????
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

He's not even going to try. Just let this go, OP. Tell him you agree; you're going around in circles and ask him to move out. Nothing has improved and it's not going to. There's no point having the same discussion over and over again. It won't change anything. He won't suddenly get it

My recommendation? Give up. Give up the soul searching, the explaining, the questioning and compromising. Just fuck that noise.

He wants everything back to normal and business as usual. He could also be cheating on you. You have expressed discontent.. what does he normally do when you are unhappy/not well? He goes online to find someone to love him, poor wee boo boo.

He's not a man, he is Peter Pan. An overgrown teenager who will probably never mature.

Free yourself to meet a man.

This person does not even deserve an explanation. It isn't working and you want to be alone. Tell him that. Then change the locks and he can find a room with one of his online women.

Another one I heard, ""you're too sensitive" after he had said or done something mean.. covertly or overtly.

So someone treats you badly, then shames you for your response to their poor treatment. Or tells you it was a joke/never meant it/it never happened = gaslighting.

Note how he cannot give one reason he loves you in his 'letter', only excuses and more emotional manipulation. He does not love you. He has shown this repeatedly through his actions and cannot answer even that simple question.

Love yourself enough to walk away from this man. He is using you and you are worth far more than that.

Guilt. They love playing on that. Like you should be grateful for their mere presence and then if you dare to express negativity about some aspect of their behaviour, they will lay it all on you.

I spent years hearing "You are ungrateful" "Think yourself lucky someone loves you" Even "Old lady, you should be lucky somebody cares"

Now he is blocked, he cannot access me in any way, my life, my phone, my email, my home. I am sometimes still disgusted that I allowed such manipulation in my life.

Sounds like your last straw moment has come. Give him a couple of weeks to move out and then cease contact.

Where he goes is not your problem. Remember, he abandoned you during a miscarriage. He looked for other women DURING YOUR MISCARRIAGE OF HIS BABY. HE IS A FUCKWIT.

OMG that man is a nightmare. His nationality has nothing to do with your differences btw.

Get rid of him and do not go back. It is hard to imagine that someone could be so utterly vile- but he is.

(Speak to the landlord/agency and have his name removed from the lease; and ask for the locks to be changed.)

He sounds just like my ex
He CANT write the letter because he is so self absorbed that he actually doesnt even know who you are - so how can he write about how he feels about you without it being all about what you do for HIM
I stuck it out for 8 years with my ex and it was hell
he also came from another culture, further removed from the UK than Spain, but still a very male centred place.
Although he wanted the benefits of the west, he didnt want the actual kind of relationship, a PARTNERSHIP that the west would suggest was the ideal.
He only saw me as a way of facilitating him, taking over a mum role while he was not ever interested in doing things with me, building a relationship with me - always too busy with his own stuff while I hung around for crumbs and took all the responsibility.
Like you, he used to threaten to leave/throw his toys out of the pram any time I questioned his behaviour or any kind of upset at the status quo
The status quo basically involved me always being constantly available to prop him up when he needed, to do all the adulting, to have fun that was dicated by how he wanted to have fun, and never complain.
The good times really were only being permitted occassionally to go along with what he wanted to do. He also looked down on people and was never wrong. He had no clue who I was, what I was interested in, what I liked or disliked, what I felt about stuff. It was of no interest to him at all. I asked him to write his bit of our wedding vows. He couldnt be arsed, I know now because he just didnt have it in him to do it. When asked about why he loved me by a visiting friend prior to moving here, he couldnt answer. when I had to appeal against him not getting a visa I had to fabricate a story of love that was as far removed from reality that it made me cry. I wish Id had Mumsnet then.

Your boyfriend sounds similar and has the charm directive along with alot of flowery words that dont actually mean anything. He will do just fine. men like that always seem to annoyingly land on their feet. I dont know his background, but mine had been taught to charm and exploit from a young age.

I now have a lovely partner. A proper partnership. A partner who may get upset, as do I, if criticised about something, but who will think about it and we talk. we compromise. sometimes Im wrong. sometimes he is. He doesnt threaten to leave if I say something he doesnt like or Im upset about something. We support each other through rough times - thats what it means about working on a relationship - not trying to get something to work that only 1 person is invested in fixing, which is what you are doing. He isnt interested in fixing it, he is interested in saying the right thing that will get it swept under the carpet and the status quo reinstated as quickly as possible but with as little effort as he can get away with.

oh for God's sake OP just dump the arrogant self-centred little fucker. He has only his ego and his interests at heart not yours. It is absolutely clear to everyone on this thread that this is NOT a relationship to be worked on, it should have ended years ago. At least from your point of view, from his, it's been just great ..

Can you see how his response to you is a crystal clear message of "If I don't get something out of this it's not worth my time or effort." You only asked him to write a few nice things about you ffs, he's so sure of his right to treat you badly with no repercussions that he can't even be bothered to make a load of stuff up to placate you!

GET RID GET RID GET RID

Sounds like he wants a shag and believes himself to be such a stud you will fall back into forgiving him for being such a twat.
Run op bloody run!!

While I am not the OP I would like to that people for sharing their insights and life experiences. Bad behaviour is such a shock to those who haven't seen it before that it is hard to believe it is really happening/real. Gemma1971 had a great phrase I will remember for good and bad situations..."when someone show you who they are- believe them".

..thank....

I am so so so grateful to everyone who has got involved. I really love the quote "when someone show you who they are- believe them"

I was already at the last straw but now he wont get involved with the letter writing just incase I refuse him he will get angry just underlines everything.

I can honestly say I am fine and will be fine without him, if anything this situation as made me stronger and looking forward to some time on my own and may e one day finding a partner who respects me.

If anyone is in a situation like me at all but you all sound like you've come through the other side then I have been reading a book choosing me before we. I actually got it a few years back but the book warns if you are in a relationship and not ready to question yourself then dont read it. I did start and it scared me so it went back in the draw. I've just finished reading it now and along with your help I am ready to move forward with my journey.

No doubt I will be back on here, I'm going to give him until the end of the month to move out and that's it. Big love to you all and thank you so much. I wished I could pay it forward somehow?

Xxxxxx

be ready for the charm offensive love bombing
make sure there is no sympathy shagging, and that your contraception is bulletproof
watch out for a proposal
watch out for the guilt to be ramped up and maybe some mental health problems/illness/suicide threads come in to play

I'm 100% sure there wont be any of that! I already cut him off for 3 weeks. He proposed to me in March but doesn't seem to want to discuss any wedding and the last 3 wont come into play, hes far too superior to ever have any of those 3.

OP I've made it through the whole thread and bloody hell! Just rip off the plaster and tell him it's over. This is a relationship death by a thousand cuts.

Fuck the letters. He is a narcissist. He cannot change. He will always put himself first and he can never give you what you need.

Tell him to collect his stuff and start getting on with your life!!!

I'm sorry for your miscarriage, but in a way I'm glad you didn't have a child with this man. You need a clean break, not to be tied to him forever. You'll find someone worthy of you to start a family with.

btw I know you've told him, but you have since been a bit wavering and wishy washy. Stand firm!!!

Thank you bendy, it's a long thread so thanks for reading it all. I will now be standing firm. I got this!

Good for you! You are worth more than this. You deserve to be happy and feel cherished.

Write this on your wall: It's not me, its him.

He wrote me the letter I asked for, would anyone like to read it as I am confused to if I am being manipulated and its just words?

I am sure it's word salad, but I would be interested....

Well, here I go, I will try in English with no translate program, with this detail you can see how I improve my English because I have interest in have better communication with yoU and interest in you. But of course that is only one thing.
The good things that I see in you are many, and because I never write a letter for you is better if I start from the beginning.
In the first moments or days of our relation I was like who enter in another world, like who enter in an unknown but beautifull place, like who find an amazing treasure. Your beauty mesmerized me, that's the outside. And day by day I was discovering your inside and your world. A new world for me, I Was having a romance with a “guiri", better as I could imagine. You was full of love, and full of illusion. And I was lucky because the “guiri" was feeling very attracted to me and she wanted to continue more and more.
From that moments, the begin until now, you passed to be my other half.
I was lost in the life, For a long time ago with toxic relationships and since I start with you I never feel alone any more. I had And I have in my hands a WOMAN with capital letters.
Amazing in many ways, super good in the work improving day by day and learning and advancing even when the things doesn't go so good, you keep doing and trying dedicating Many hours, really you are the best of the best in your job but you didn't have So much lucky you I'm sure that you will triumph one of this days.
Amazing with the things of the house, I love when you do Sunday roasts, your cakes, your special plates, your interest in copy the traditional food of my mother, you decorate the house very lovely, you clean etc
Your interest in my world, you putted so many effort in learn about my adventure risk sports, and I should have more patience, and I have to recognize that I'm not a good teacher sometimes. I have to say thank you for all the memories that we did, days like nochevieja in a cave was amazing, things that we never forget.
You are lovely in family things. I feel an deep admiration for you in how you do plans for your family and how you organise everything for them.
We had a very good relation, but Late or early our strong characters had the destiny of clash. We loose the respect for each other several times, I cant remember what was the first time but I know that more or less your frustration Or to be deceptioned with me start when Happened your ectopic. Many times When I supposed to be with you I was blind with you and I was not attemptive and helpful enough.
But despite of all you forgive and we continue. We did many things for fill the memories but we did not for fill the deep feelings And for improve the authentic love, which it suppose to share both of our worlds and not always do my plans. And that is what was happening In the last at least 2 years, mostly we went to do the things that I wanted or I planned, and I was sure that this was right because you was happy with that, but really not so much. I recognise that I could ask for do activities that form part of your world. It suppose to should be after this years only one common world that after all of this time we put all together, but that finally never happened.
Your spirituality and your sensitivity is also a thing that is magnificent, is like you have a 6th sense, some times you are a little witch and you know things. I have not so much of that. I'm more simple.
Good things, you like to read books, You like storms, You like some of my music, you have a big heart, You are an excellent partner for travel, you have a sweet voice, you have high empathy with other people...
And for speak about the bad things, is difficult for me to put anything here when I'm trying that you recover your feelings about me. But well, a bad thing that create mostly of the problems with me is that you can't handle so good the situations when we have a conflict of opinions or different point of view about something. I know that my comments and opinions sometimes are hard or I'm wrong, but forn resolve the conflict in process the only way is the dialogue, intense dialogue if is necessary and don't reach the point until loose the respect or go angry and upset. And the last problem take a long time until I can speak with you and you stay and do go upstairs leaving the conversation. Yes you go frustrated, we can have opinions that clash but finally we will find a point of understanding, and if the problem is so serious like this last we will go resolving day by day little by little. We are putting an end date to our relation, saying catastrophic words like you have to find another, I will leave this week, this week is the last.. Yes I know, I said that, in an attempt for cause any reaction in you, but really that doesn't help.
I dont want a life without you, even with all this problems sometimes, I choose to continue with you. Of course when the same problems keep repeating is shit and can think that we don't learn. But I don't want to renounce to a future that we forward all tha bad because finally we learn and poco a poco our personalities match more.
And you you can say, but we never learn. I want to learn, really I do. And I have decision for repair the damage that I can caused for my mistakes.
I dont like and I don't know why, when I'm going to give you some advices, mostly of the times you don't like, or take in bad sense or your answer is defensive.
I don't like that you reject me when I want to give you a hug, a kiss or have sex.
I don’t like that you keep putting all the past in front when something happen,saying “this situation remember me...”
I don't like that you say is my fault we never go out to do your things, because is not only me. But that have EASY solution, and you was blocking me fully from 3 weeks.
And that's more or less all, Nothing so serious and nothing that we can resolve. And yes, I understand that the last situation affect you deeply, but give me the opportunity for do something, because you block everything and I cant do nothing.
The future. Well, if we take the spirit of the good moments, we will do really amazing things, we can plan many things, we can plan about marriage, I will buy you a ring, I will down my high opinions, I will put effort in go with you to different places, etc etc etc and This is not only promises for just continue, this time we will really learn. This time you have this letter, and I don't do the promises you can put this letter in my face and send me to the hell.
I love you, yes. I'm not I'm afraid to say that despite that you also don't believe me or also reject. And I say I love you because I love you for who you are and how you are, I choose to be with you and to continue with you. And I will deal with all the ups and downs that will come, because that is part of your personality.
And finally, you was right. This letter is good idea for express the feelings, I dont know if what I says is enough for you right now. More or less is what I think about you and about our relation.

I hope that you could find some love or some ignition. MISS YOU.