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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being too hard on him?

125 replies

Lifemong · 04/10/2019 22:15

Hello all, would like some thoughts on my situation if its possible as I dont know if what I'm doing is right.

I have been with my OH for 6 years. We have had some major ups and major downs. I can only explain his personality as something I have never experienced before. He is a very kind hearted calm and quiet man. He lives a clean life. We are different nationalities and had quite different upbringing, me being English and he Spanish.

He has always had very high opinions of himself and that no one on this earth is better than him, he makes harsh critics and comments about other peoples lives. I on the other hand am a warm and sensitive soul and I also question alot.

We broke up for a short while last year, the reason i left him was because i found him talking to another woman online whilst i was in hospital as I lost my pregnancy. It 3 months of sleeping in the other room to decide this relationship wasnt for me due to ALL of the above. He came back to me and promised change and how he could not see his life without me. We got back together, I noticed some changes in terms of bring more with me but recently his ways have started slipping again. He is not the type to be cheating again and after what happened I have full access to his online life.

Like I said above he is very stick in his ways and everything we seems to do is about him, his activities, his family etc... when it comes to doing my things he isn't around because they dont interest him. He is an adrenaline junkie so going for a meal or a day at the beach would bore him to death.

Recently my family came to stay and he did everything he possibly could to avoid us, no conversation with them etc.. didn't want to do anything we were doing. Then he wanted to bring his brother and his child to the house to stay over. I said it was going to be too much with 7 people already staying in a small flat. He flat out refused and said I was being dramatic and really his intentions were not bad he just wanted us all go be together. I had planned a day out for us all to be together and there really was no reason that his family needed to come and stay. They come over all the time and stay with us. I told him it was my family time and that was it. He hit the roof and caused all kind of problems in front of my family.

A couple of weeks on and were still not on talking terms. I have started to analyse the relationship in full again instead of just going with the flow of daily life. I have told him we are very different people and seems to be having the same argument over and over again, different subject same outcome. I dont feel heard or respected by him. If I'm upset about something he will normally give s harsh answer and say forget about it.

Tonight it's really come to ahead and after 2 weeks he just wants to hug it out and move on. He has commented that his opinions are high and does say harsh comments and he will try to think before he speaks from now on but for me it almost feels like it's not enough. Been there got the shirt kind of feeling. I need to see actions but is actions are a hug and I just dont want it right now. I have told him this has damaged us yet again and I feel I would be better off alone than keep what I feel is a struggle to be heard. I also dont want to change the guy if thats how he is hard/cold then that's who he is and were just not meant to be. I dont want him walking around on eggshells watching every word he says.

He has told me tonight that I'm stupid and that I think about everything too deep and I've gone so cold on him but thats it hes got nothing more to say.

Now I'm wondering if I'm being too harsh on this guy or let him walk out of my life and he cant be free of me.

Subject:
Am I being too hard on him?

Message:
Hello all, would like some thoughts on my situation if its possible as I dont know if what I'm doing is right.

He has told me tonight that I'm stupid and that I think about everything too deep and I've gone so cold on him but thats it hes got nothing more to say.

Now I'm wondering if I'm being too harsh on this guy or let him walk out of my life and he cant be free of me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lifemong · 07/10/2019 21:38

Your all so kind taking the time to reply and give great advice on my situation. I also believe that his words are just that, that he is now saying he understands everything and will make some changes as he knows I am slipping away.

To the laster poster, we are not married. He asked me to marry him earlier in this year as when we broke up last time I addressed the fact that we wanted different things, that I wanted to be married and he didn't see the need. Since proposing he doesn't seem keen when I bring up the how/when/where questions and I have also said I would like a ring but that has fallen on deaf ears. He thinks rings are for materialistic people.

This guy likes to go against the crowd and totally avoids what any "normal" people do as he doesn't want to be classed as one of them.

Thanks for saying I sound like a nice person, I like to think I am. I look after those close to me and dont give to receive but theres only so much one can take when it's you constantly giving, you're right love is a partnership all about respect, compassion and compromise of which we are lacking all 3.

OP posts:

DonKeyshot · 07/10/2019 22:38

You're not married? Jeez, why are you wasting your life on this entitled fucker?

6 years??!!! As soon as he revealed that he likes to go against the crowd and totally avoids what any "normal" people do as he doesn't want to be classed as one of them I wouldn't have stuck around for 6 minutes as he clearly has deep seated issues and, most probably, a huge chip on his shoulder.

Come on, OP! You can do better than this - and you know it! What's stopping you? Familiarity? Laziness? Fear of being on your own? Whatever it is, face up to it, go through it, and start living life for YOU.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 07/10/2019 23:20

As soon as he revealed that he likes to go against the crowd and totally avoids what any "normal" people do as he doesn't want to be classed as one of them I wouldn't have stuck around for 6 minutes as he clearly has deep seated issues and, most probably, a huge chip on his shoulder.

This. We’ve all done the “rebel boyfriend” thing.

Totally sexy when you are 15 and have a boyfriend with a motorbike and a pierced tongue. Slightly ridiculous when you are in your twenties. Slightly pathetic once you hit your thirties.

UnicornsExist · 07/10/2019 23:44

I married a man who I eventually realised had what I call 'golden child syndrome' where he grew up with a mother running around constantly telling him he was perfect, wonderful, handsome, clever, could do no wrong. It made him have the same attitude as your DP OP where they think they are better than anyone else, are incapable of admitting they are wrong and as a result will never apologise. My DH and I are now separated. When they believe that they are so perfect they really are impossible to live with. They lack any real empathy for anyone else because nobody could ever matter as much as they do.
OP your post reminds me so much of my husband. Save yourself a huge amount of heartache and kick him out. You and what is important to you will never be a priority for a man like this because he will always think he is more important than you are. He will never treat you as a true equal. You deserve so much better.

Hghyfffhj · 07/10/2019 23:54

No relationships shouldn't take this much work, they should make your life easier. It doesn't sound like you are ready to give up yet, and haven't realised how awful he is. Please dont marry him or have a baby with him, I think one day you will regret your decision xxxx

Original poster

Lifemong · 08/10/2019 09:20

Its like I have come to the point of no return, there is no talking me round this time, your right I dont feel ready to give up yet but thats probably the thought of going through the whole grief that a break up brings.

I would like to share with you a message he sent me this morning:

I want to learn from this situation. I don't want to surrender, you will have all the respect of the world from me. Give me some point of hope that we can connect again and we will connect better in the future. Like I said I want to learn from this. I know you are tired because this happened more times. But you have to decide, have to unlock this now until reach the point of no return. Please

I asked him for deep emotional words and he has given them to me but part of me feels like they are just words and history is repeating itself.

OP posts:

DonKeyshot · 08/10/2019 09:40

What a load of old cobblers! If he hasn't learnt in 6 years, he's not going to learn now.

As you''ve said, they're just words and history will most certainly repeat itself if you believe a word he says.

Once he realises that this particular group of words haven't won you over, he'll come out with numerous variations on the same theme because he knows that he'll have a hell of a job trying to find another doormat like you.

Words are cheap and so is he. What self-respecting man who believes he's a cut above the rest allows a woman to subsidise him?

hellsbellsmelons · 08/10/2019 10:24

Dear lord, he's a manipulative bullshitter!!!
I'd have laughed at that message.
Google NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).
You will find your ExP described perfectly there!
You know what to do.
Put some value on YOU and dump this sorry excuse of a 'man'

SureTry · 08/10/2019 11:10

Spare yourself anymore of this nonsense, please!

You are in a fortunate position, you're not married and you're not reliant on him financially. Boot him out and change the locks, there really is no need to continue this torture. Don't ask for emotional words, they are just words, look at his actions they tell you everything you need to know.

Original poster

Lifemong · 08/10/2019 11:55

I have said just that right now his words are words and after 6 years if we have not learnt things, whats going to suddenly change now, his response is this:

Its impossible and from my part I'm done. Like I said, if today is going to be the same situation in the house, I will take the final decision and is not a threat you are only speaking in circles, this is absolutely insane.

I just need to put him out of his misery

OP posts:

amiapropermum · 08/10/2019 12:29

I'd cut the conversation short now OP. You're right - nothing has changed in six years and you can see from his response that he just doesn't get it. All the explaining in the world from you won't make him get it.

Don't mind his misery! Remember your misery and say you've tried and tried but you're clearly not compatible so it's best you go your separate ways

Hederex · 08/10/2019 12:43

Someone only says it's not a threat if is a threat.
This man is a narcissist or close enough that semantics don't matter.
You can't work on a relationship with someone like this, you can only get out.

DonKeyshot · 08/10/2019 12:45

I thought there might be more missives of contrite begging, but the fact that he's shown his arrogance so quickly tells you all you need about how superior to you he believes he is.

That's not to say he won't turn up with spaniel eyes in an attempt to get you to reconsider but, if you fail to succumb to his act, you will see his icy disdain for you written all over his sneering face.

This man doesn't care for you. He cares about one thing only and that is, and always will be, himself.

I pity any woman who takes up with him as he'll always regard her as a second class citizen and treat her accordingly.

Put him out of his misery, but do it quickly as I suspect he could become very nasty - his type don't take kindly to rejection.

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 08/10/2019 13:27

I just need to put him out of his misery

If you hit him hard enough with the iron, that should do it.

Honestly, don't even bother saying anything to him, just go. Sounds like he's writing his own autobiography in his head - in it he is a great artist, rebel, lover, leader of men and joy of women.

He's a massive tit.....

category12 · 08/10/2019 13:32

When he says you're talking in circles, he's projecting - I mean, christ, look at what you quoted: I don't want to surrender, you will have all the respect of the world from me. Give me some point of hope that we can connect again and we will connect better in the future. Like I said I want to learn from this. I know you are tired because this happened more times. But you have to decide, have to unlock this now until reach the point of no return. Please It's not deep, it's gobbledegook and bollocks.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 08/10/2019 13:54

I am honestly worried about your self esteem if you can describe this man as "very kind hearted." I would guess that since posting you are wrestling with your thoughts and thinking to yourself that you've probably painted an unfair picture of him on here because you've only listed his bad points but he also does xyz nice things and maybe if we knew his good points we wouldn't be shredding him on here.

However there are some behaviours that should be deal breakers which cannot be compensated for by nice normal behaviour. Fundamentally he does not respect you or even pretend to be interested in you and there is no way you can work around that. Your only use to him is as an appreciative audience of one to his amazing existence and to pay him for the privilege too. You sound like to have a lot of love to give - don't waste it on this horrible man.

Original poster

Lifemong · 08/10/2019 15:40

Thanks for your time and efforts. His good points would be that hes a good father to his child, he is healthy and clean, doesn't go out drinking, gambling so gives me no hassle in that sense. He takes me to wonderful places in the mountains that I would never normally get to see but I know this is something he lives his life so part of me thinks he would do this with or without me and is he really taking me because hes doing it for me.
Hes good at home and helps out but sometimes I still question that as he doesn't see the other jobs that need doing in the house, his activities would come in front of that. What else.. hmmmm?
So when I say hes a good man he is a quiet and calm guy. No anger. Sometimes too laid back and this is what frustrates me, I need to see some more fire in our relationship and his interest in me.

I'm not good at ending things, I feel guilty so he has already told me if I continue this way he will leave. I cant shift this mood and I dont want to either so he will leave. Its probably for the best.

OP posts:

Rachelover60 · 08/10/2019 16:00

I am sorry about your miscarriage too .

It seems to me that it would be the right thing to part from this man, you are not happy together. He wants to hang on, maybe you represent stability to him but he is far too difficult.

You could find someone else who suits you better and eventually he will do the same. Don't waste your life.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 08/10/2019 16:37

Blimey everything you list as good about him is the bare minimum you should expect from any relationship.

I used to talk about my ex in terms of "well at least he doesn't..." However my counsellor told me you should judge a person on the things they do, not on what they don't do, because the absence of a negative behaviour that shouldn't be there in the first place isn't an actual positive. In your OH's case you haven't listed anything particularly good about him; most people don't drink or gamble or lack hygiene to a problematic level. He hit the roof and caused you massive problems in front of your family - quiet man or not the negative effect on you and them was the same regardless of whether he raised his voice.

I hope one or other of you makes a decision soon because you really do deserve so much better.

Original poster

Lifemong · 08/10/2019 18:37

Just to let you all know tonight is the night that I am going to end the relationship. Enough is enough. Your replys has helped me validate what I already know but I was checking I wasnt going mad or "being too harsh on him"

Just one thing, if anyone can help me out. Is there anyone out there for him? I mean someone with his personality type surely they will get on much better. I dont want him to be lonley and I wish him all the best. I really hope he meets someone who brings out the best in him.

OP posts:

Hghyfffhj · 08/10/2019 19:04

There is somebody out there for everyone, but I guess it would have to be someone that will put up with cheating, being disrespected, belittled and having no commitment. He will be quite happy on his own I think, even though he will tell you otherwise. You can't worry about him, put yourself first, as he never has. Keep in touch and let us know how you get on xxxx

FavouriteSong · 08/10/2019 19:07

You sound lovely. He sounds awful. You deserve better.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 08/10/2019 19:11

OP I'm so pleased to read your update. And yes, there is someone for everyone. My ex was insistent he'd never get over me and threatened to kill himself - within a year of me leaving his new girlfriend was pregnant and they are still together with a picture perfect life from the outside but horrendous rows behind closed doors...

DonKeyshot · 08/10/2019 19:22

He's in love with himself so he won't be lonely.

As for him taking up with a woman who shares his personality type? Highly unlikely. Narcs instantly recognise each other and seek the opposite of their personality type as they need to be worshipped by their inferiors.

I doubt it will be long before he hits on another victim and only time will tell if she's stupid enough able to stay the course as long as you have.

there really was no reason that his family needed to come and stay. They come over all the time and stay with us. I told him it was my family time and that was it. He hit the roof and caused all kind of problems in front of my family

How dare he behave in such a high-handed manner! But thank god he did as humiliating you in front of your family enabled you to see him as others do - and I very much doubt it was a pretty sight.

You took him back when you discovered he was chatting up talking to other women online while you were in hospital miscarrying his child. This time let him go and make the split permanent.

Original poster

Lifemong · 08/10/2019 19:28

I just talked to him and told him that I am ready for him to take what he calls his final decision as he cant live like this anymore. I told him I appreciate his deep and emotional words today but they have not moved me, I'm still stuck in my zone and my ignition is not feeling fired up with hope like normal.

I'm feeling very upset, I should be feeling relieved but I dont, I feel sad for him having to go and find a place to live and the thought of not seeing him anymore.

OP posts:

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