Am I being too hard on him?

[Lifemong]

Hello all, would like some thoughts on my situation if its possible as I dont know if what I'm doing is right.

I have been with my OH for 6 years. We have had some major ups and major downs. I can only explain his personality as something I have never experienced before. He is a very kind hearted calm and quiet man. He lives a clean life. We are different nationalities and had quite different upbringing, me being English and he Spanish.

He has always had very high opinions of himself and that no one on this earth is better than him, he makes harsh critics and comments about other peoples lives. I on the other hand am a warm and sensitive soul and I also question alot.

We broke up for a short while last year, the reason i left him was because i found him talking to another woman online whilst i was in hospital as I lost my pregnancy. It 3 months of sleeping in the other room to decide this relationship wasnt for me due to ALL of the above. He came back to me and promised change and how he could not see his life without me. We got back together, I noticed some changes in terms of bring more with me but recently his ways have started slipping again. He is not the type to be cheating again and after what happened I have full access to his online life.

Like I said above he is very stick in his ways and everything we seems to do is about him, his activities, his family etc... when it comes to doing my things he isn't around because they dont interest him. He is an adrenaline junkie so going for a meal or a day at the beach would bore him to death.

Recently my family came to stay and he did everything he possibly could to avoid us, no conversation with them etc.. didn't want to do anything we were doing. Then he wanted to bring his brother and his child to the house to stay over. I said it was going to be too much with 7 people already staying in a small flat. He flat out refused and said I was being dramatic and really his intentions were not bad he just wanted us all go be together. I had planned a day out for us all to be together and there really was no reason that his family needed to come and stay. They come over all the time and stay with us. I told him it was my family time and that was it. He hit the roof and caused all kind of problems in front of my family.

A couple of weeks on and were still not on talking terms. I have started to analyse the relationship in full again instead of just going with the flow of daily life. I have told him we are very different people and seems to be having the same argument over and over again, different subject same outcome. I dont feel heard or respected by him. If I'm upset about something he will normally give s harsh answer and say forget about it.

Tonight it's really come to ahead and after 2 weeks he just wants to hug it out and move on. He has commented that his opinions are high and does say harsh comments and he will try to think before he speaks from now on but for me it almost feels like it's not enough. Been there got the shirt kind of feeling. I need to see actions but is actions are a hug and I just dont want it right now. I have told him this has damaged us yet again and I feel I would be better off alone than keep what I feel is a struggle to be heard. I also dont want to change the guy if thats how he is hard/cold then that's who he is and were just not meant to be. I dont want him walking around on eggshells watching every word he says.

He has told me tonight that I'm stupid and that I think about everything too deep and I've gone so cold on him but thats it hes got nothing more to say.

Now I'm wondering if I'm being too harsh on this guy or let him walk out of my life and he cant be free of me.

Subject:
Am I being too hard on him?

Message:
Hello all, would like some thoughts on my situation if its possible as I dont know if what I'm doing is right.

I have been with my OH for 6 years. We have had some major ups and major downs. I can only explain his personality as something I have never experienced before. He is a very kind hearted calm and quiet man. He lives a clean life. We are different nationalities and had quite different upbringing, me being English and he Spanish.

He has always had very high opinions of himself and that no one on this earth is better than him, he makes harsh critics and comments about other peoples lives. I on the other hand am a warm and sensitive soul and I also question alot.

We broke up for a short while last year, the reason i left him was because i found him talking to another woman online whilst i was in hospital as I lost my pregnancy. It 3 months of sleeping in the other room to decide this relationship wasnt for me due to ALL of the above. He came back to me and promised change and how he could not see his life without me. We got back together, I noticed some changes in terms of bring more with me but recently his ways have started slipping again. He is not the type to be cheating again and after what happened I have full access to his online life.

Like I said above he is very stick in his ways and everything we seems to do is about him, his activities, his family etc... when it comes to doing my things he isn't around because they dont interest him. He is an adrenaline junkie so going for a meal or a day at the beach would bore him to death.

Recently my family came to stay and he did everything he possibly could to avoid us, no conversation with them etc.. didn't want to do anything we were doing. Then he wanted to bring his brother and his child to the house to stay over. I said it was going to be too much with 7 people already staying in a small flat. He flat out refused and said I was being dramatic and really his intentions were not bad he just wanted us all go be together. I had planned a day out for us all to be together and there really was no reason that his family needed to come and stay. They come over all the time and stay with us. I told him it was my family time and that was it. He hit the roof and caused all kind of problems in front of my family.

A couple of weeks on and were still not on talking terms. I have started to analyse the relationship in full again instead of just going with the flow of daily life. I have told him we are very different people and seems to be having the same argument over and over again, different subject same outcome. I dont feel heard or respected by him. If I'm upset about something he will normally give s harsh answer and say forget about it.

Tonight it's really come to ahead and after 2 weeks he just wants to hug it out and move on. He has commented that his opinions are high and does say harsh comments and he will try to think before he speaks from now on but for me it almost feels like it's not enough. Been there got the shirt kind of feeling. I need to see actions but is actions are a hug and I just dont want it right now. I have told him this has damaged us yet again and I feel I would be better off alone than keep what I feel is a struggle to be heard. I also dont want to change the guy if thats how he is hard/cold then that's who he is and were just not meant to be. I dont want him walking around on eggshells watching every word he says.

He has told me tonight that I'm stupid and that I think about everything too deep and I've gone so cold on him but thats it hes got nothing more to say.

Now I'm wondering if I'm being too harsh on this guy or let him walk out of my life and he cant be free of me.

A few weeks back I posted on here and was guided towards YouTube and to search narcissistic abuse, please look it up, he will never change and him hiding behind his opinions is an excuse to lower your standards and accept his abuse. This won't get any better.

Bet he soon changes his tune when now you have stood up to him. I give it 24 hours before marriage is mentioned.

He's abusive.

It's normal to feel sad at this point. People expect to feel relieved but that takes time.

You're grieving the hopes and dreams you had for the future, not the reality you've been living.

Maybe you should try the Freedom Programme. It might help you trust yourself more.

It's preferable to do the Freedom Programme in real life but, as you're not in the UK, you can do it online: freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Six years is a long time to emotionally invest in someone and you'd be unnatural if you didn't feel sadness and regret that it hasn't worked out, but please don't fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy:
youarenotsosmart.com/2011/03/25/the-sunk-cost-fallacy/

Thank you, I will look at these things. I'm sure the split is not going to happen overnight but I'm sure in my guy and instinct this has to happen

Oh god OP,

Really.
You are being used.
You have been used for years.

Get him out and give yourself a chance of a decent partner and a decent life.

First take some time out to build up your self esteem.

He has treated you like shit for years.

I bet your family can't stand him.

He is a user.

Don't settle for so little.

Today he is very sad, asking me if im sure that I want this to end this. That he will give me more time to change my mind if thats whats needed, that he is really willing to change and work on things but I still dont feel anything, I feel no desire to go through this again but I am also feeling a lot if guilt to give up on everything... not feeling good today!

but I am also feeling a lot if guilt to give up on everything...
Did you read the sunk cost fallacy link?
If not then do it now.

Of course he's very sad today and is promising to make more effort. However when you challenged him on it yesterday he got annoyed quickly and threatened to end it unless YOU changed your tune. Six years shows you that he's had plenty of time to work with you on your relationship. He's chosen not to.

I'd be willing to bet decent money on him turning really nasty as soon as he realises yours serious.

The plan you have of each writing your own relationship conditions is a good one, but you need to take it 1 step further and ask him to write down what it is about your relationship that he likes and wouldn't change and what he would like to change about it.

His answers will either be more 'brushing it under the carpet' ( e.g Everything is rosy) or very revealing (i.e the actual truth about what he needs from you for the relationship to work)

You also need to do this, and write the honest, brutal truth about what YOU need .

I think he's trodden you down so much that you are hesitant to HAVE actual feelings and voice them as this just causes friction and fights. Your thoughts and feelings and wants and needs DO matter just as much as HIS. It's just HIM that doesn't think so !

OP, when people talk about working on a relationship they're talking about the work both of you have to do to support each other when life is tough, whether it's having tiny DC, redundancy or a bereavement. One person alone can't work at a relationship.

You should both be happier and stronger together than apart. That's the test of a good relationship.

I'm glad you're ending it. You express very clearly how numb you feel. Too many disappointments, too much sadness. You've reached the point where you don't give a shit any more. It's over.

Please work on your self-esteem. This guy has trampled all over it and it will need repair.

I agree with PP that he may turn nasty when he realises you're serious. This guy is God's gift to women, don't forget. I don't expect his ego will allow him to accept you daring to end it with glorious, magnificent him. So be on your guard.

Sorry about your loss.

How are you today OP? Just read your thread and I have to say - the guy sounds like a user and a twat

11nowayhose

The plan you have of each writing your own relationship conditions is a good one, but you need to take it 1 step further and ask him to write down what it is about your relationship that he likes and wouldn't change and what he would like to change about it.

I did just that, I asked him to do this. He seemed to refuse he said what's that going to change, you're so cold with me right now. I will only do it if I see some love from you. I said to him if I do it maybe I might read something that sparks my ignition but I will not give you any guarantees. He said it was silly and we could just talk about everything what was the need to write it. I said look you are not listening again to what I want because YOU think it's silly. I should of got up and walked away then because we spent the last hour debating everything again and it has left me feeling tense and frustrated a whole hour we spent again debating about who was right and who was wrong about particular scenarios. He said again he will continue to pass his comments he is not going to change who he is and if I dont like them then it's not his problem.

Sorry to swear but for fuck sake, I'm so angry with myself.

Jesus OP, really.

6 years of this waster, who doesn't give a toss about you, who lives off you.

For goodness sake, give yourself a shake and get rid of him.

You have one life and only so many years to enjoy.

Get rid of him.

Stop wasting your time going back and forth.

He has shown you and told you exactly how little he thinks of you.

Get.him.out.

He's a cocklodger of the first degree.
Get on with your life OP. Good luck

Cocklodger who thinks he can charm you without substance.

Cheat... while you were losing his child and hospitalised, he was looking for other women????

WTAF did I just read????

So sorry about your loss and I hope that, if you want a baby in the future, you will meet someone who is worthy of you. I also went through a miscarriage alone, a traumatic one at almost 3 months and was very ill afterwards. My ex, who lives an hour away by plane, did not come. Sure he called, but words? I was fucking alone! My parents thought it was a good thing I miscarried, and now so do I, especially given his total disinterest in me being pregnant in the first place, despite saying he wanted children with me (all bollox, and he had no idea that I did not want to start a family with him at all, but he made a massive assumption that that was what I wanted to hear, so it was interesting to observe a real manipulator at play..).

Please ditch this lying, two-faced cheat. If you need ANY solid reason, it is what he did to you when you miscarried.

What a TWAT and a waste of your life energy.

Had I realised what my ex was AT LEAST after the miscarriage, I would not have wasted another few years of my life on and off with the fool. But I was lonely.

Be more discerning. This person does not give a shit about you.

I missed my ex at first, not now. He gave me nothing actually.

And as for the question are YOU being too hard on HIM?

Cast your mind to what he did while you were in hospital.

Now think about that question again.

He is using you for sex, money and place to live.

As a few other posters have said he is likely to be narcisstic as he fits the pattern.

The behaviour whilst you were in hospital is very typical, you had a crisis and he was not getting adoration or attention so turned to another woman. The adrenalin junkie is also indicative because he doesn't have normal feelings so needs highs. Some turn to alcohol or drugs but my Ex H sought adventure.
Narcisstic people look for empathic and successful partners. The fact that you earn more will be a positive to him. He will hoover you if you are still of use to him or he hasn't found another source yet.

His belief that he is the best is item 1 in the narcisstic textbook. The charming calm demeanour is also typical but inside he is seething and angry which is why he acts cruelly at times, especially if it's important to you.

Narcisstic partners are not capable of real affection or love. They always have an agenda, which is to get their needs met. No one emotionally healthy will tolerate their behaviour for long.

Outwardly they are charming and very plausible. They can keep up the mask for a long time if you are meeting their needs however it will never be a two way street. Should you ask for your needs to be met it will never be genuine as there is usually a self serving motive. This is why you are having circular and frustrating arguments. He is trying to promise enough to keep you there but when you ask for specifics he will refuse.

It takes a long time to recover from such a partner and the longer you stay the worse it is.

and if I dont like them then it's not his problem
Well it is. He will be kicked out.
Have nowhere to live.
No-one to sponge off of.
No-one to abuse.
He'll actually have to put some work into finding another mug to put up with him.
For the love of god OP, DUMP HIM.

Oh good grief, just dump him, he sounds bloody awful, and you are clearly far too good for him.

Just wanted to add that him being difficult when your family is there is part of his plan to isolate you from your support network. If he sulks and makes things awkward/difficult for you every time they visit then he knows you will be less likely to have then over again and spend time with them.

Abusers do this because the more isolated you are, the easier you are to control and abuse. This is very calculated on his part and the sooner you realise that everything he is doing is to manipulate you then the sooner you will be able to cut any emotional ties to this man.

He doesnt love you and he doesn't want an equal relationship. He wants to destroy your life and take advantage of your kindness and empathy for other human beings.

Everything he says is just a ploy to get you to do what he wants for his OWN gain. Once you realise this, his guilt trips and empty promises wont work anymore. You have to stop seeing this man as the person you fell in live with. That person doesn't exist, it was all an act to hook you in. The horrible abusive man is who you are truly with. He wont change, it will only get worse and you will lose more of yourself every day that you stay.

Kick him out and dont feel guilty. He chose to treat you like crap, not contribute financially, emotionally abuse you and leave you at your most vulnerable time. You owe this man nothing and it is his responsibility to look after himself. This is what is struggled with the most in my abusive relationships but you have to realise that they will be OK if you kick them out. They will find another victim pretty quickly and you will be left wondering why you didn't do it sooner. Trust me

Thank you for keeping me sane and also helping me to believe that my feelings are valid and correct because once I let him get to me I start to feel all kinds of guilt.

Today he said cant I show him a little love, show him a little that I miss him. I said no I cant I am more concerned about the state of the relationship and need to have the basics before starting to feel any love or feelings of missing him. I told him in a relationship you should be able to show your vulnerability in full and your partner not take advantage of that. Well he does take advantage by saying this like "your so sensitive" he should instead love that about me not throw it in my face.

In asking him to write the letter, what he love and admires about me and what he hates and would like to change he has responded with the following:

Im not sure to do that because,
After all this days wich the majority of what I said is wrong for you or it's not enough for you,
If also that letter is not enough or don't cause any positive effect in you, I know from now only imagining, that I will be very upset and angry.
So I think that right now is not a good idea. It's better idea to do that when the situation will be more calm between me and you, and that letter can cause the opposite effect. Because maybe the good things that I can put you can consider that is not enough, or you need more, or you can think that I don't know you enough, or just simply don't cause any positive reaction in you.
I think is not a good idea right now.
I don't want to even think what's gonna happen if you read that and you consider that is not enough and is just a paper for you.

You're all so right here, not one of you has said anything good about him.