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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want kids she absolutely done not.

76 replies

Angeles99 · 04/10/2019 18:44

Hello, I'm 22 years old and my girlfriend of 3 years is 23. We have discussed wanting kids and everytime we do she is dead set on not having any. The way she speaks about not wanting to go through the pain and having to raise a living thing because as she says she is selfish and Does not want to share attention or spend money on anyone that isnt herself.

every time we have this conversation I say I do want kids but then later in the argument say I dont just so we stop arguing.

Adoption isnt a option either for her, even with pets she does not want any because she doesnt wanna be responsible and have to take care of it and buy it things.

She even tells me she doesn't really want to have sex because she thinks I might want to purposely get her pregnant. Even though I want kids I would not do this.

But in reality, I do want kids. I love her and we are discussing moving in by the end if this year. I've read things that point to the partner that wants kids will resent to the other that does not. Is it true? What is the best approach to this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Angeles99 · 04/10/2019 18:45

I need some advice.

OP posts:
YankeeSocks · 04/10/2019 18:46

You are so young OP. You have all the time in the world. Thanks

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/10/2019 18:47

You two should not be together at all now because you are fundamentally incompatible.

Fleetheart · 04/10/2019 18:48

Yes. But if she’s adamant then this could become very difficult. If you are dead set on kids and soon; then you need to find a new lady.

madcatladyforever · 04/10/2019 18:48

She said she doesn't want kids. Some people change their minds later on some don't.

At any rate I think she is far too young to be pressured into making that kind of decision.
You have two options.
Respect her decision not to have kids or leave.
Pestering her about it is not one of your options.

YankeeDad · 04/10/2019 18:50

Sorry, mate, but living with somebody who "does not want to share attention or spend money on anyone that isn't herself" does not sound like a recipe for lifelong happiness. You love her now, but it's hard to love someone like that for many years

Being with someone who is generous and kind and listens well (and being that yourself as well) would be a better recipe.

AnotherEmma · 04/10/2019 18:50

Just end it and find someone who does want kids. You have no other choice.

LemonPrism · 04/10/2019 18:52

You're 23 I'm not sure why you even care yet?

NotStayingIn · 04/10/2019 18:53

I get that this isn’t what you want to hear but you two need to have an honest conversation about whether you are compatible in the long run.

Original poster
Angeles99 · 04/10/2019 18:53

The only reason we talk about it a few times its because she says I give her this look when a baby is around or I'm taking care if my younger brother or nephews, and the look she describes it as " I can not wait for this to he us" even though I have not once made that gesture to her deliberately

OP posts:
virginpinkmartini · 04/10/2019 18:55

@Lemonprism because not everyone wants to wait until they are older to have kids. Mid twenties is perfectly acceptable.

Butterymuffin · 04/10/2019 18:55

This is one of those things that a couple has to agree on to have a future together. Sorry, but you two have a limited shelf life. The right person for you will be out there.

FabLaura · 04/10/2019 18:59

Ah I can feel your sadness in the way you write. Bottom line is kids are wonderful and lovely and lots of people become parents in their early 20s and do a brilliant job but they have made sacrifices along the way. If you are desperate than maybe she is not the women for you as it's important you are both on the same train as you will probably be skint for years and miss out on all those things your mates will be doing, which is fine if you both wanted children. From a woman's perspective physically having children can play right mischief with your lady parts like to put it bluntly a tummy some women are not comfortable showing in a bikini and even not feeling comfortable to even wear a swimming costume as your bits can fall down. Sorry to be direct but I always feel sorry for the youngest cause this is when they want to be looking like a 'love island' contestant. If she has said no, please respect that

GrandmaSteglitszch · 04/10/2019 19:04

Your DP understand herself well. You need to believe her.
Even if you try to hide your wish for kids, I think she'll feel it and it will eventually drive you apart.

DowntonCrabby · 04/10/2019 19:07

As much as you’re young OP, in your position I’d end this and focus on (eventually) meeting someone with the same life goals as you.

PaterPower · 04/10/2019 19:12

So you’re not having sex, you’ve got fundamentally opposing views on having kids and she’s told you she’s selfish.

Why, exactly, do you want to continue in this relationship?

Time to move on - she’s not the right person for you and you’re better off calling it a day.

QueenofPain · 04/10/2019 19:14

Your girlfriend is only 23, she’s quite right to not want kids now, or maybe ever.

Your best bet is to split up and find new partners who want the same lifestyles. It’s very easy to get hung up on one single person being “the one”, in reality, the true “one” would want the same things as you, and she doesn’t, so she isn’t your magical “the one” and you aren’t hers either.

Orangepearl · 04/10/2019 19:21

Easy for men just to fancy having a couple of kids. Does terrible things to women’s bodies and minds as great as they are and she is very young.

SpecialKRocks223 · 04/10/2019 19:21

When I was 17 I said I'd never have children. When I was 24 I said I'd never have children. I'm now 35 and guess what?...

I am never having children! Be prepared OP as yes she's young and might change her mind but she also might not.

BuildBuildings · 04/10/2019 19:23

I don't think you're too young to think about this. People are being patronising to say this. If she's adamant she doesn't want kids what is the point in staying together for you to get to say 30 and be in the same situation? Time is less of an issue for men re fertility but time is still an issue. If you have fundamentally incompatible goals then that needs to be looked at regardless of your age.

Orangepearl · 04/10/2019 19:23

And from what I have read on here once the babies have destroyed their body the men are out looking for a pre-baby new model!

category12 · 04/10/2019 19:23

She's not the person for you. You want dc. She doesn't. No harm, no foul. End the relationship and find someone with similar life goals.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 04/10/2019 19:24

She's clearly not ready! Sounds like she'd be a terrible mother. Why would you subject unborn children to that instead of waiting until she's either grown up a lot or you're with someone who actually wants babies? Confused

BuildBuildings · 04/10/2019 19:24

Also I'm 34 been with my partner since 19. I've never wanted kids and I'm not having them. So people don't alway change their mind.

morrisseysquif · 04/10/2019 19:27

Maybe she isn't your forever person? Just be clear on that to her and yourself. Just because you are thinking about moving in doesn't mean you have to commit and marry her, and vice versa!

You are so young, no need to settle down now. Don't move in together. Have some fun with the selfish one, at least she has been honest and knows herself. But she isn't a keeper.