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Original poster

I want kids she absolutely done not.

76 replies

Angeles99 · 04/10/2019 18:44

Hello, I'm 22 years old and my girlfriend of 3 years is 23. We have discussed wanting kids and everytime we do she is dead set on not having any. The way she speaks about not wanting to go through the pain and having to raise a living thing because as she says she is selfish and Does not want to share attention or spend money on anyone that isnt herself.

every time we have this conversation I say I do want kids but then later in the argument say I dont just so we stop arguing.

Adoption isnt a option either for her, even with pets she does not want any because she doesnt wanna be responsible and have to take care of it and buy it things.

She even tells me she doesn't really want to have sex because she thinks I might want to purposely get her pregnant. Even though I want kids I would not do this.

But in reality, I do want kids. I love her and we are discussing moving in by the end if this year. I've read things that point to the partner that wants kids will resent to the other that does not. Is it true? What is the best approach to this?

OP posts:
AnotherMonickerChange · 04/10/2019 19:32

Please ignore people who say things like You're 23 I'm not sure why you even care yet?' because you're in a three year long relationship with someone you love, who you are talking about moving in with. You're also in your twenties, you're not a child.

I do agree with PPs who say that you're fundamentally incompatibility and your relationship will never be enough for you and she sounds like someone who will probably go her own way at some point anyway. Sorry. I know first hand what it's like being with someone who doesn't want kids. It broke us. It breaks many. And in any cases I've known, when it's the man who doesn't want any, there are always one or multiple 'little accidents' and the person who didn't want kids ends up with kids. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 04/10/2019 19:38

It must be hard to imagine life without her after you've been together for so long.
But she isn't your one.
This is a massive fundamental difference.
And you might be OK with plodding along for a bit but the time is passing you now.
I had my DS at 22. He was unplanned but I'm so happy we started sooner rather than later.
If you're ready to settle down then end this and go and find a person who is compatible.

DoctorAllcome · 04/10/2019 19:47

I agree with others that she will most probably not change her mind about kids. It’s ok that you do want kids. It is great that you two have actually talked about kids. So many couples don’t and it makes things worse in the long run. I think too you need to move on and find a woman who does want kids and to raise them with you.

CodenameVillanelle · 04/10/2019 19:49

You're young enough to break up, spend a year getting over her and meet someone new who wants kids easily before you're 30 which is a great age to have children. Do that.

Pinkbonbon · 04/10/2019 19:56

What you maybe don't understand as a fella is that there is a societal undercurrent of pressure on women to 'want children' and it is very f*cking creepy for those of us who don't, to see any hint of that pressure manifested. Seriously I get where she is coming from, cause it gives me the Herbie jedbies too.

You may not even have been giving her 'a look'..but the fear that the thought of her being a breeder even fleetingly crosses your mind in these situations - is palpable.

She doesn't want kids. She may never want kids. 1 in 5 women never have children, many by choice.

But then again she is 23. So the topic is no where near ready to be brought up. The fact that she doesn't want them currently, may mean it shouldn't even be mentioned for a looooong time (if ever).

carly2803 · 04/10/2019 20:01

i did not want kids at 23! actually disliked them

im mid 30's now and i have children

people change, but some dont!! dont bank on herwanting kids - find "the one" now while your young

SherbetSaucer · 04/10/2019 20:03

@Angeles99 your relationship is over! There is absolutely NO way to compromise on this and pressuring her to have children she doesn’t want would be immoral!

I’m 33, have NEVER wanted kids (not worth it in my opinion). I knew when I was I child I would never be a mother! DH is a few years younger and has already had a vasectomy!

If you want kids, good for you but it means finding someone who actually wants them too!

gamerchick · 04/10/2019 20:08

The one who doesn't always trump's the one who does.

You either accept it or you leave and find someone else. There might be a chance shell changer her mind later on as she's so young but equally she might not.

LFLM1 · 04/10/2019 20:09

@virginpinkmartini exactly this. I didn't want to have children after 30 so started at 21. It was perfect for us. Now they're teenagers and I've just finished my second degree.

@Angeles99 If she's adamant that she doesn't want children and you're adamant that you do, then I'd end the relationship now. You're both entitled to live your lives the way you choose but it doesn't sound like you're compatible . You need to respect the fact that she's telling you straight up, some people just put it off for years and years making their partners that do want children more miserable.

LFLM1 · 04/10/2019 20:13

@QueenofPain why is she quite right not to want children because of being 23? She perfectly entitled to her choice but her age has nothing to do with it. In fact, from a medical point of view she's at the perfect biological age to have children.

misspiggy19 · 04/10/2019 20:17

Leave her. She sounds way too self absorbed to be in any relationship.

SherbetSaucer · 04/10/2019 20:23

@misspiggy19 Leave her. She sounds way too self absorbed to be in any relationship

Self-absorbed because she’s a young woman who knows what she wants? Just because she doesn’t confirm to the boring, cliche life script everyone else seems to fall for it doesn’t mean she’s selfish and self-absorbed! Hmm

snoopy18 · 04/10/2019 20:25

If she doesn’t want to have a baby it’s up to her - it’s not your body or mind that has to go through it & who will look after the baby after it arrives? It’s a full time job & it’s not the same as looking after your brother or nephews etc. You need to respect it & take what she says at face value. You need to meet someone that shares similar views to you.

Also - 22/23 is way too young to have a baby. Don’t you want to travel or focus on career & experience life or something at this age?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 04/10/2019 20:26

Also - 22/23 is way too young to have a baby. Don’t you want to travel or focus on career & experience life or something at this age?

It's really not.

Ragwort · 04/10/2019 20:28

Surely that's a matter of opinion? I would be horrified if my DS's ambition at 22 was focused on having children.

user1480880826 · 04/10/2019 20:32

You need to assume she will not change her mind. You’re lucky she is being honest with you and not misleading you. There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids. It’s actually very sensible of her to have arrived at this conclusion, she clearly knows her mind.

Lots of people will say she’s very young and is likely to change her mind and that’s totally possible but do not stay with her because you think she could change.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 04/10/2019 20:33

Exactly. So it should've been for SOME 22/23 is to young to start a family. Instead of a blanket it IS to young.

The OP could still have loads of ambitions to travel, to have a fantastic career and to still raise a family. It's not all or nothing!!

PurpleDaisies · 04/10/2019 20:35

She doesn’t want children. That’s it. If you really do, your relationship is over.

heartburn888 · 04/10/2019 20:36

I’d part ways now. No point getting to 30+ then thinking you need to split

june2007 · 04/10/2019 20:38

If your seriouse enough to think about moving in together you reaslly need to think if you are compatible. You can not expect her to change her mind and it is unfair of her to expect that of you. Sounds like for now your best being friends.

QueenofPain · 04/10/2019 20:38

@LFLM1 Because in my opinion, there’s a great big wide world out there for exploration and adventures before confining oneself to the house due to caring responsibilities and financial drudgery in the early twenties.

And when it comes down to it, biological and societal norms dictate that it will most likely be the OP’s GF will be the one who has to grow the babies, feed the babies, do the lions share of the childcare and wife work, who’s career gets put on hold, who’s body is ruined and will never truly be compensated for the life she didn’t have when she was busy having kids to fulfil the OP’s whims. So that’s why she’s right to say she doesn’t want kids at 23 or ever. She’ll always be right, whatever she says. And the OP needs to listen to what she’s telling him and find someone who wants to do all of that for him, because this woman doesn’t.

PurpleDaisies · 04/10/2019 20:38

She even tells me she doesn't really want to have sex because she thinks I might want to purposely get her pregnant.

Why do think she doesn’t trust you?

Rachelover60 · 04/10/2019 20:39

I've known plenty of 23 year olds who have said they don't want kids, fast forward five or six years and they do - then have three, one after the other :-).

I wouldn't worry about it for now, just enjoy the relationship for what it is.
You're both too young, certainly by today's standards, to be thinking about having children.

LFLM1 · 04/10/2019 20:45

@Ragwort I suppose people's opinion on it will differ of course, but it's medically proven that 20's is optimal for conceiving children. It's everyone's own choice when they have children or if they have them at all, but it's not true to say 23 is too young, medically or mentally. In fact it's these attitudes that cause women to put off having children whilst they're young and then they struggle to conceive and carry children later on. I had children young because it was right for me, it hasn't prevented me doing anything. I have a job I love and have enjoyed travelling with my family. I'm now late 30's and my children are almost adults and I couldn't be happier.

CathyorClaire · 04/10/2019 20:46

You don't want the same things.

What do you think the best approach is?