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Original poster

I want kids she absolutely done not.

76 replies

Angeles99 · 04/10/2019 18:44

Hello, I'm 22 years old and my girlfriend of 3 years is 23. We have discussed wanting kids and everytime we do she is dead set on not having any. The way she speaks about not wanting to go through the pain and having to raise a living thing because as she says she is selfish and Does not want to share attention or spend money on anyone that isnt herself.

every time we have this conversation I say I do want kids but then later in the argument say I dont just so we stop arguing.

Adoption isnt a option either for her, even with pets she does not want any because she doesnt wanna be responsible and have to take care of it and buy it things.

She even tells me she doesn't really want to have sex because she thinks I might want to purposely get her pregnant. Even though I want kids I would not do this.

But in reality, I do want kids. I love her and we are discussing moving in by the end if this year. I've read things that point to the partner that wants kids will resent to the other that does not. Is it true? What is the best approach to this?

OP posts:
SherbetSaucer · 04/10/2019 20:46

@Rachelover60 there are also plenty of people who never ever change their minds! More women than ever are choosing to stay childfree. Staying in a relationship where your goals don’t align is ridiculous!

sleepyhead · 04/10/2019 20:49

Well it's up to you, but I think you need to believe her that she never wants children and plan accordingly.

Make it clear to her that you do want children and are also not likely to change your mind and decide whether this relationship with no future is worth continuing with.

Maybe you can have fun together for a few years, but ultimately do you want the heartache of splitting up once you've moved in together and built even more of a life together?

LFLM1 · 04/10/2019 20:57

@QueenofPain you have a very dim view of parenting if you think having children means being confined to the house. We've travelled as a family to many wonderful places and at 27 I went to university and now have a job I love. Having children hasn't held me back in any way, it's enriched my life. I also don't consider my body to be 'ruined'. Having children is quite simply my biggest achievement. I agree that the OP's girlfriend absolutely has a right to not have children and OP should respect that. But please stop telling women their lives are over if they want to have children in their 20's. My kids are now mostly independent and I can't imagine starting a family at the age I'm at now.

SherbetSaucer · 04/10/2019 21:03

@LFLM1 having children doesn’t hold you back from achieving anything but it makes doing almost everything more difficult. You can still do all the things you want to do of course but it’s far more complicated with people depending on you.

For me nothing compares to the freedom of being childfree. I see how much my friends with children struggle (had one in tears over lunch the other day) and I can’t help but feel grateful that isn’t my life.

Both choices are of course valid, but one option is much easier than the other.

QueenofPain · 04/10/2019 21:13

@LFLM1 I think you’re the exception rather than the rule though, and your fantastic life having parented young is really irrelevant to the question the OP posed to us.

LFLM1 · 04/10/2019 21:17

@SherbetSaucer of course not having children is 'easier' and there are times when it's hard work but there's also nothing that compares to having your own children. I wouldn't judge someone in their 20's (or any age) for not wanting to have children, for whatever reason they decide. I'm simply trying to highlight that having children whilst in your 20's isn't 'too young' and your life isn't over if you do so. I'm in my late 30's and have my freedom back and I'm so glad I had children when I was young. I'm very pro choice, have children young/late or not at all, whatever's best for you.

LFLM1 · 04/10/2019 21:24

@QueenofPain my life parenting has been far from easy but absolutely worth it. My response is relevant as it is in response to people saying "23 is too young" and people suggesting that you can't travel or you somehow miss out by having children young. I am simply sharing my experience as a young parent. The OP states that he wants children and I'm just trying to let him know if he knows he wants children now or later, thats it is ok, despite what other people think.

SherbetSaucer · 04/10/2019 21:26

@LFLM1 but there's also nothing that compares to having your own children

I think there is a lot that compares to it if you’re talking about the joy you get from it. People can find complete fulfilment without children. It depends on your perspective and your goals in life. Children for some are the entire world, for others, like me, they’re about as bad as it gets.

LFLM1 · 04/10/2019 21:35

@SherbetSaucer I understand, Ive never really liked anyone else's children 😂. When I said nothing really compares, I mean in terms of the love I feel for them and the bond we have.

BlackeyedGruesome · 04/10/2019 21:36

sounds like you are not compatible. you both need to have a good think about what you want from a relationship, and whether it is something you wish to continue.

DeeCeeCherry · 04/10/2019 21:39

Why on earth would you want her to be the (resentful) mother of your child anyway? You're letting yourself in for a miserable life if you don't cut loose now.

Parsley65 · 04/10/2019 22:37

Ask me age 30 if I wanted kids?
Absolutely not!
Ask me 5 years later and different story 🙂
If you can't wait that long, perhaps best to rethink your relationship - and your priorities...
Good luck..

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 05/10/2019 18:00

You need to seriously consider her stance about children before you make any long term commitment. I know of two men who married women who didn't want children and both divorced because of it. It's better to sort it out now rather then 10 or 15 years down the line.

AgeLikeWine · 05/10/2019 18:07

Your girlfriend is telling you who she is. Listen to her. Then believe her.

You want to have children. That is a perfectly valid choice. She doesn’t. That is also a perfectly valid choice. Neither of you is wrong. You just want different things.

The reality is that this issue is a deal breaker for many couples. If you and your girlfriend can’t agree on a way forward, you need to split up amicably and move on with other partners who want the same things you do.

Good luck.

SusieOwl4 · 05/10/2019 18:24

walk away - she wont change her mind .

crestar · 05/10/2019 18:51

she says she is selfish and Does not want to share attention or spend money on anyone that isnt herself.

Sounds like an only child syndrome.

I appreciate it's difficult as you love her, but the best action would be to leave her. She only puts herself first (including herself over you) and it's only a matter of time until she likely -

A) Meets someone else
or
B) Simply gets bored with your relationship and wants to move on

Walk away now before she hurts you even more than she probably will do later on.

leftovercoffeecake · 05/10/2019 21:19

Not wanting children doesn't mean she's selfish.

You both want different things from life, so I would end the relationship now. I wouldn't stay together holding out hope that she will change her mind, because it's very very possible she won't.

Unknownanon · 05/10/2019 21:47

You aren't compatible in your life choices. Surely though the fact she doesn't trust you and is suspicious that you will purposefully sabotage contraception is a massive red flag that your relationship is over. She doesn't trust you, to the extent she thinks you'd ruin her life on purpose.

GooseFeather · 05/10/2019 21:54

Weigh it up. Which do you want more - a life with her, or children?

My brother's DP was very clear at 22 that she didn't want kids. Same at 32. He decided he would rather live a child free life with her in it, than try to find someone to have kids with. Age 42, she is now expecting their first.

It doesn't always work that way, but you can decide which is more important to you, her or children.

Allthematchingchristmasclothes · 06/10/2019 07:51

OP wouldn’t you rather be with someone who was 100% on board with having children from the outset?

It’s not on that your GF is making you feel bad for wanting children.

I think it would be best if you both moved on and found partners who share the same mindset.

ShadowSardines · 06/10/2019 07:56

Move on, OP. For her sake as well as yours. Because someone trying to pressure a 23 year old woman into having a child she explicitly says she doesn’t ever want is not a nice person.

Bucatini · 06/10/2019 07:57

Assume she's never going to change her mind. Then make your decision to either stay and be at peace with that, or end the relationship.

sweetmotherog · 06/10/2019 08:33

Sorry but OP, you ring alarm bells for me.

She's cautious of a 'longing stare' you give when around children close to you and she is suspicious you would sabotage her/your contraception on purpose.

There's no smoke without fire. Why do you think she doesn't trust you so much?

You sound a bit obsessed tbh

Rachelover60 · 06/10/2019 13:57

I feel you are a bit young to be longing for children at the moment, op. I honestly don't know anyone of your age who feels like that, certainly not a man. Some women and girls do. Your girlfriend obviously doesn't but she might in a few years.

Up to you whether you carry on with the relationship. There must be good things about it for it to have lasted three years.

category12 · 06/10/2019 14:16

If she can't be "selfish" at 23 with no responsibilities and her whole future ahead of her, when can she be? It's not selfish to decide you don't want to raise a child.