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Original poster

Has anyone left DH/DW before starting relationship with loved one?

83 replies

StrangeDays78 · 04/10/2019 00:24

Just that really.

I’m married, so is the guy I have fallen in love with.

Has anyone tried to do this the honourable way and both of you leaving your partners before anything happens, even a kiss?

In your experience, would a guy never leave his DW unless he was having a physical relationship with the new partner?

OP posts:
Happyspud · 04/10/2019 00:28

Oh wow, so you are worried that he won’t leave his wife for you unless you shag him.

He sounds like a real catch.

You’ve got this all wrong OP. He’s only worth leasing your DH for IF he will leave his wife BEFORE he screws you. Otherwise he’s a prick. Or an even bigger one than he already is for the current emotional affair with you. The same goes for you too.

Happyspud · 04/10/2019 00:31

In answer to your question, I was in a long term relationship when I met the live if my life. I knew instantly he was the one for me so I stepped away from him and didn’t engage. He tracked me down but I refused to give my number till I disentangled myself from my relationship and was single. Then we immediately started dating. He wouldn’t have been the guy for me if he’d accepted anything less.

Original poster
StrangeDays78 · 04/10/2019 00:32

That’s what I’m asking. Do people ever do this the honourable way? Has anyone ever done that or encountered it? We haven’t even kissed, barely hugged. I want to do the right thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrangeDays78 · 04/10/2019 00:34

Thanks Happyspud. Was he single? What were the timeframes involved? Weren’t you worried that you might lose your love of your life in the meantime to someone else?

OP posts:
Happyspud · 04/10/2019 00:38

He was single. It took me about 2 months to leave my ex as it was complicated. And no, I didn’t worry about losing him. I knew he was the one. And if he’d wandered off in the waiting period he wouldn’t have been that person I thought he was so he’d have been no loss in this case.

You don’t cheat OP. And you don’t wasn’t to be with a cheater. So sort yourselves out properly. And if you separate from your DH and he pulls a fast one on you, well to be honest I think you’ll have done the right thing by your DH anyway.

Original poster
StrangeDays78 · 04/10/2019 00:41

Happyspud, did you tell each other that you wanted to be together before you left your DH?

OP posts:
Happyspud · 04/10/2019 00:49

No. But I told my sister I’d met the man I would marry after that first 5min conversation with him. Grin He tried to get my number and wanted me to go on a date but I refused and kept any conversation above board. He’s a good guy, not pushy or arrogant so he kept to the line.

But we both knew. No doubt. I think you’d have to know our personalities to understand but neither of us would have been comfortable with a declaration of love or anything dramatic like that. And we’re both fiercely independent so would have walked away easily if pushed in the wrong way.

wobytide · 04/10/2019 00:50

It's a complete grey area. Even if you managed it you'd had an emotional affair already. Do what makes you happy, not what makes the internet happy.

Happyspud · 04/10/2019 00:52

It’s really not grey. It’s black and white. You both owe the people you married the respect of leaving them first.

Original poster
StrangeDays78 · 04/10/2019 00:53

We haven’t really had an emotional affair. We haven’t declared our feelings for each other. I know that I love him. I think he feels the same way about me. There’s a tenderness between us and a lot left unspoken.

OP posts:
WeeBitSleepy · 04/10/2019 00:56

Sounds like you’re ready to leave your DH regardless and this guy-who hasn’t even declared his feelings- happens to be around at the same time.

Original poster
StrangeDays78 · 04/10/2019 01:02

I was actually ticking along reasonably nicely until the thunderbolt (this guy) hit me.

OP posts:
Scott72 · 04/10/2019 01:20

You think he feels the same way about you? Such an assumption could very well be incorrect. Even if he had declared his love such a declaration could still be dishonest. The only way to be reasonably sure is if he divorces his wife.

FavouriteSong · 04/10/2019 01:57

Do you work with this man? There's an awful lot of workplace romances or people yearning for a workplace romance at the moment, on Mumsnet.

How do you know you love him?

Leave your husband regardless of this other man, it's the honorouble thing to do, but don't be surprised if nothing comes of it.

Superzowie · 04/10/2019 04:24

Weren’t you worried that you might lose your love of your life in the meantime to someone else?

Surely if someone is really the 'love of your life', a few months where you 'do the right thing' isn't going to hurt.

And I had a friend who did what you talked about - they shared how they felt; only snatched the occasional hug in the lift - no kisses; nothing more - 6 months after initial contact, he'd left his wife and moved to live closer to her. 3 and a half years later, they'd split up. And he was with someone else.

Partly because feelings aren't the only thing you need to make a relationship work and they weren't at all compatible in the cold light of day and partly because jumping from one relationship to another can't ever really be a good thing surely?

Hesafriendfromwork · 04/10/2019 04:26

In your experience, would a guy never leave his DW unless he was having a physical relationship with the new partner?

So you suspect he wouldnt leave his wife because he feels so strongly for you, but only leave if you shag him?

I know 2 people who have left and then got with someone else, then admitted they had feelings for the new person before.

You need to leave your husband. It sounds like you would stay if the OM wouldnt leave. That's not fair. Your husband doesnt want to be your second choice.

Leave him, let OM sort his marriage with no pressure from you. Have some space be single. Sort yourself out, like who is moving out of the marital home etc

Then if the feelings are still there pursue it.

If it starts off badly, theres more pressure on the relationship. That's not something anyone needs.

But you should both leave because you want your marriages over. Not because you will get a chance to shag a colleague.

Let him decide if he wants to leave his wifes without pressure.

donethinkin · 04/10/2019 04:38

How do you know he has feelings for you? Have you had any sort of discussion about it? Have you spent any time together alone? I just don’t get how you know if you haven’t kissed or even been on a date. He might just be a friendly guy! How do you even know him?

Thatnameistaken · 04/10/2019 06:52

I had been with my previous partner for 7 years. I met a guy at work who I fell for, we got on so well, laughed at the same things, talked for hours on nightshifts. I didn't think anything would ever happen but it brought into sharp relief the fact that my relationship was over, if I could feel this way about another man then I was living with the wrong one. I broke up and moved back into my mum's for a bit. It hurt like he'll that I was leaving my old familiar life but I had to do it.
After a month or so man at work and I struck up a relationship, we're still together 20 years later.
At least by leaving your husband you're leaving the door open for someone you actually might love, and no longer living a lie, and your husband will be free to find someone who loves him too.

AgentJohnson · 04/10/2019 07:02

Meanwhile back in the real world.

Elodie2019 · 04/10/2019 07:09

I think he feels the same way about me.

Leave your DH if you don't love him but prepare to be single.
You 'think' the new man feels the same way but you don't really know do you?

AuntieStella · 04/10/2019 07:14

"We haven’t really had an emotional affair"

I think you have, based on what you've written. You've reached the point of describing your OtherMan as the person you've fallen in love with.

That, together with talking about leaving, is a major betrayal. Own what you're doing.

Your DH deserves much, much better. As you have chosen someone else, do the decent thing irrespective of at choices your OM might make and leave your DH.

AmIThough · 04/10/2019 07:28

If you think this man is the one for you, your DH isn't. I think you should set him free to find someone who loves him infinitely, whether you and OM end up together or not.

NewNameGuy · 04/10/2019 07:31

Your poor DH.
leave him, then you can do what you want!

Original poster
StrangeDays78 · 04/10/2019 07:34

I just know that I love him. I don’t have to have had sex with him to know that I love him.

He has said enough for me to think he feels the same way about me but he hasn’t actually said it so he may not feel that way.

We met at work. We both have a very intense job and were thrown together resulting in becoming emotionally close quite quickly. We have seen each other’s strengths, weaknesses, etc.

He sees my personality very clearly.

When we have gone for periods without seeing each other we always get drawn back together.

It’s complicated. I love him and I have no intention of cheating with him. I want to be with him but without it casting a nasty cloud over our relationship.

OP posts:
stucknoue · 04/10/2019 07:34

It's important to leave your spouse first, the timings depend somewhat on if you have kids - if you have under 16's or so it's important to put their needs into the equation.

I'm separated (6 months) and it still seems odd, like it's wrong but I am tentatively seeing a guy.

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