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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone left DH/DW before starting relationship with loved one?

83 replies

StrangeDays78 · 04/10/2019 00:24

Just that really.

I’m married, so is the guy I have fallen in love with.

Has anyone tried to do this the honourable way and both of you leaving your partners before anything happens, even a kiss?

In your experience, would a guy never leave his DW unless he was having a physical relationship with the new partner?

OP posts:
Original poster
StrangeDays78 · 04/10/2019 07:36

Have you spent any time together alone?
Yes plenty of time alone.

OP posts:
joystir59 · 04/10/2019 07:40

I'm 62, been in several committed relationships. Never cheated. Too much respect for self and significant other.

Lweji · 04/10/2019 07:42

If you're falling for other men, regardless of them leaving wives or whatever, you should divorce. Your marriage is clearly not good enough for you, why stay in it?

SherbetSaucer · 04/10/2019 07:42

Back off OP, concentrate on your marriage which was ticking along nicely before all of this! This WILL end in tears. The chances of a happy ending with this other guy is extremely low!!

PixieDustt · 04/10/2019 07:49

Sounds a bit more like a fantasy IMHO.
He hasn't said anything to you yet you're already planning how to leave your husband and him to leave his wife.
Truth is OP. If you're doing this behind people's back then what's to say it isn't going to happen IF you both get together?
If you really want to leave your DH then do it but don't drag partners around in your shit be upfront and honest.

PixieDustt · 04/10/2019 07:53

To add it really doesn't seem he has said anything to you to incline he has fallen for you? Am I wrong?
From what you said he doesn't even know how you feel and might ask for a transfer so he isn't working with you anymore. I certainly would if someone told me this who was nothing more than a co worker.

doublebarrellednurse · 04/10/2019 07:58

There is no "honourable way". You're already more invested in this than either of you should be for married people. You've already stepped outside of your relationship on an emotional level and everyone is going to get hurt.

BilboBercow · 04/10/2019 07:58

OP you sound like a teenager. This is infatuation, not love.

NameChangeNugget · 04/10/2019 08:03

You’ll be a one and done

MorrisZapp · 04/10/2019 08:06

You can't win this one on here. The only thing you're allowed to do is leave your partner because you're bored. If there's even a hint of fancying someone else, you're already a filthy cheat. Those suggesting you don't know how the other guy feels make me laugh because if you asked him straight out this is called an 'emotional affair' and is morally akin to shagging his brains out.

So in short, do what makes you happy, handle the fallout with kindness, let everyone move on.

mostlydrinkstea · 04/10/2019 08:07

You sound very young OP.

Marriage isn't all about romance and flowers and hot, hot sex. It is a life long commitment taking the good with the bad. It is about realising that the person you married isn't you, that you both have faults, life has challenges and you are not the same people at 40 that you were at 20. This is hard and needs honest work from both of you. It is a lot easier when the romantic phase wears off, as it will do, to look for someone else. That looking may not be conscious but hey, an exciting new man comes along and the old one is discarded like trash.

The romantic phase of your marriage has worn off. It does. So maybe treat this as a wake up call and spend some time on the marriage that you have. If it is just ticking along it sounds as if it has been neglected for a while. It may be that you can find a deeper or different relationship with your husband. Or maybe after trying and spending some time in counselling to work out who you are now and how you cope with the baggage you bring to this relationship you decide that this marriage isn't for you. Then leave.

Or you can fall into bed with this man. Wreck your marriage and his and risk this happening again in 10 years or whenever when you or the new shiny partner get bored and move on. If you don't deal with the baggage (your shadow in Jungian terms) that makes you behave like a love sick teenager then it will stay with you.

Ginger1982 · 04/10/2019 08:07

Do either of you have kids?

GOODCAT · 04/10/2019 08:08

Ultimately it isn't honourable to leave for someone else regardless. Leaving a marriage because it isn't working is fine, but you get over that relationship before finding someone new.

Stay away from the other man, concentrate on your marriage and eventually your feelings for the other man will pass. If you want to leave your husband irrespective of the other man, do that, but don't pursue another relationship for a good year afterwards and stay away from this man.

I know this sounds sanctimonious, but if you are talking about "honourable" I don't think it can be done, unless the crush is just symptomatic that the marriage was in trouble and you leave and don't pursue the other man ever.

Regardless the sooner you go, cutting contact and then having nothing to do with each other until after you are both divorced is less dishonourable than continuing that relationship while separating.

ravenmum · 04/10/2019 08:11

Weren’t you worried that you might lose your love of your life in the meantime to someone else?
What do you mean; that if you don't act soon, someone else might snap the new guy up? Or that your husband is also the love of your life, and if you go off with this guy you'll be losing your husband, perhaps for nothing?

Pointof0return · 04/10/2019 08:15

OP, you wanted to hear about people's experiences so I can tell you about my aunt.

This is YEARS ago but it's always made me respect her. She was married and she ended the marriage and became single, setting up her own home for herself and dc (shared custody). She and exh continued to both parent their son and the split was not adversarial and was handled as well as possible.

It turned out that the reason she left was she had felt herself feeling interested in another man in a way that told her her marriage wasn't right. Nothing ever happened with that man and she didn't meet a new partner for a while but she listened to her gut and was honest with herself and everyone else.

Scott72 · 04/10/2019 08:21

This is very common pattern. Look at the 2005 book Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo by Michelle Langley. A review of it I found says it describes how wives often begin to feel that something is missing in their lives and lose sexual interest both for their husband and in general. Then they meet a new man who reignites that passion, with a vengeance. This is "limerance". If they act on it, and it will be hard not to because the emotions are very strong, they will experience a heady mix of guilt and euphoria. The whole thing seems to have a biochemical basis.

user1493413286 · 04/10/2019 08:25

I knew I wanted to be with my current DH when I was still in a relationship (he was too but we were just friends). When I left my ex there was no guarantee I’d get together with DH but I knew that I couldn’t and it wouldn’t be fair to stay with my ex when I’d fallen for someone else. It took about a year until DH and I really got together and there was never any physical side to anything until we were both single

onanothertrain · 04/10/2019 08:27

I wondered how long it would be before someone mentioned Limerance.

I think you've made this much bigger than it is, you have no idea what this guy thinks of you, he's married.
If you're not happy then leave your DH, it's not fair to string him along but I doubt this man will leave his wife for you.

JustWonderful · 04/10/2019 08:32

Sounds like an infatuation.

If I were mystic meg looking into my crystal ball (if she had one) i'd predict that you'll shag him while he or both of you are still attached and there'll be lots of sex, excitement, secrecy, emotion - angst, but ultimately he won't leave his wife.
If you left you husband you'd end up high and dry.

Even if he were to leave his wife I predict you'll realise doing it later that you completely idealised him and hrs possibly a bit of a dick.

JustWonderful · 04/10/2019 08:34

*your

As I said in another thread, everyone thinks they're going to be Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward; but mostly it doesn't turn out that way.

Rainbowhairdontcare · 04/10/2019 08:40

You have to leave because you don't love your husband as simple as that. You're also having an emotional affair, so stop loving being in denial about it.

I know of someone who met her current DH while still being married (he was married too). They fell in love fairly quickly. She left her husband within a week, he took a bit longer to try to "protect" his children. It didn't work out that way and instead gave his exW false hope. After a very messy breakup everybody is happy.

They were shun out of the community (especially her) but they don't seem to care. Her exH was able to see the breakup was irrelevant to the affair. The exW not so much, but everybody will have their.own side of the story.

AJPTaylor · 04/10/2019 08:55

I had a colleague who realised that her "falling in love" with someone else meant that her marriage was on the rocks. She left her husband and several months later developed a physical relationship with her crush and realised it was just that. It was the right thing to do though. She wasn't in a happy marriage and it was the spark that made her end it. Her ex still tells everyone she had an affair though.

Hesafriendfromwork · 04/10/2019 09:29

This is very common pattern. Look at the 2005 bookWomen’s Infidelity: Living In Limboby Michelle Langley. A review of it I found says it describes how wives often begin to feel that something is missing in their lives and lose sexual interest both for their husband and in general. Then they meet a new man who reignites that passion, with a vengeance. This is "limerance". If they act on it, and it will be hard not to because the emotions are very strong, they will experience a heady mix of guilt and euphoria. The whole thing seems to have a biochemical basis.

God, can you imagine people trying to justify a mans affair, because its just biochemical? Hmm

onanothertrain · 04/10/2019 10:19

Hesafriend it's not something you'll ever see here. Women = Limerance. Men= cheating bastard

ravenmum · 04/10/2019 10:44

it will be hard not to because the emotions are very strong
OP describes herself as being capable of exercising self-restraint.