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Original poster

Has anyone left DH/DW before starting relationship with loved one?

83 replies

StrangeDays78 · 04/10/2019 00:24

Just that really.

I’m married, so is the guy I have fallen in love with.

Has anyone tried to do this the honourable way and both of you leaving your partners before anything happens, even a kiss?

In your experience, would a guy never leave his DW unless he was having a physical relationship with the new partner?

OP posts:
NewNameIsNew · 04/10/2019 11:04

I fell for someone else while in a relationship. I fell hard and fast and as soon as I did I got out of the current relationship. I had no idea if he felt the same way as we never discussed it.

I figured it wasn't fair for me to stay in my existing relationship regardless due to the strength of my feelings for someone else. Once you feel so strongly for another it crosses a line IMO regardless of if anything happened physically and becomes unfair on a current partner.

Hesafriendfromwork · 04/10/2019 13:05

onanothertrain and yet if anyone said 'woman just cant control themseleves, they are slaves to their hormones' no one would like that either.

Justa2015 · 04/10/2019 14:21

Yes, to be with DH, and fully aware that I could leave and it could go absolutely nowhere. I felt immense guilt (I still do) so initially I went NC, and stayed about 6 months to try and fix my former marriage. You can't force yourself to feel a particular way about someone though, and eventually I left, and started seeing the man that would become DH a few months later. I'm sure you'll get a lot of judgement here, but having lived through it yes its absolutely excruciating, both the feelings you experience and the immense guilt at hurting someone you have (and probably still do) love. It gave me a huge identity crisis because I thought I 'wasn't that kind of woman', and have learnt an awful lot about myself in the aftermath. I think its probably more common than people realise, but its not really talked about as there is so much shame and stigma attached. If you haven't already, find yourself a good counsellor who specialises in psychosexual and relationship issues so you can start to unpick what is going on in your head and your relationships, it will help so much; there's probably bigger things going on under the surface that have got you to this point and I was deeply aware that if I didn't do some serious work on myself in all likelihood I would just repeat the process in another relationship.

Lamentations · 04/10/2019 14:24

OP don't kid yourself that it's honourable to break up two marriages because you fancy somebody new.

Cherrypicker01 · 04/10/2019 14:54

My DP now I met when I was planning to leave my ex. I met up with him (locally, for a friend drink, with my dad too) and realised that of anything was to progress or we were to meet again I HAD to leave my ex because i couldn’t have it on my conscious for being sneaky.

Even if my ex was an emotionally controlling abusing prick and I was terrified at home, I still couldn’t have sneaked around besides, my DP now deserves better than for someone to make a move with him whilst they were still tied up. I left my Ex a few days later - knowing full well that there was a chance that my Love interest at the time might not have been interested back, because it was the right thing to do.

Cherrypicker01 · 04/10/2019 14:56

Luckily for me, and I know these things don’t often go in favour, we got together a month later and it was magical.

I of course got accused of moving on too soon off his family and friends, got accused of cheating but I didn’t care much, as I knew myself I had done the right thing.

FavouriteSong · 04/10/2019 18:13

It concerns me that you are planning on making a massive change in your life, by ending your marriage, all because you are infatuated with a man you work with. He's nice to you - that doesn't mean he's in love with you. If you tell him you are going to leave your husband so that you and he can be together, he will probably run a mile. He may have no idea you are harbouring these fantasies.

Take some time off work and really evaluate your life. Apart from your husband, is there something else going on, something you desperately need distraction from?

RantyAnty · 04/10/2019 18:34

Yes, left without having someone else lined up.

There are any number of people we can be attracted to, get along with, have amazing connection, but it's what we do with those feelings is what matters.

If you're the type who jumps at every attraction like that, then I wouldn't bother getting married.

Most marriages get dull, have rough times. It's up to you to turn towards your spouse and work on the marriage.
If you really want to leave, then leave.

Original poster
StrangeDays78 · 04/10/2019 19:51

This is the second time I have felt like this about a guy. The first time was in 1999 so this isn’t a flighty thing.

I have a lovely, fulfilling life. I’m not running away from anything or looking to distract myself from anything. I have just a strong, deep attraction for this man. I care very much about his happiness and don’t want him to be in a position that causes him distress. I’m just happy when I’m with him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. My feelings for him are very simple really.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 04/10/2019 21:52

So what happened with the guy in 1999?

peachgreen · 04/10/2019 22:00

Yes. Met the love of my life, knew instantly. Both in relationships. We were platonic friends for three weeks then eventually admitted our feelings and decided we could no longer be friends while we were in relationships. I ended mine that day and moved out. He was married - told his wife everything, she asked him to try counselling first and he felt he owed it to her to try. We cut off all contact. And I mean all contact. I didn't even know if he was still alive. It was impossibly hard but the right thing to do. Within 8 months he was divorced, got back in touch with me and three weeks later we moved in together. Now we're married with a house and a toddler and are blissfully happy. We both carry guilt about what happened but it would be a million times worse if anything inappropriate had happened while we were in relationships.

Original poster
StrangeDays78 · 04/10/2019 22:36

So what happened with the guy in 1999?
Let’s call him B.
We were friends for 4 months. He was secretly attracted to me but I liked someone else. Over a couple of days I realised that I had feelings for B and one night we kissed. We dated for 3 years and I fell in love with him. I was his first proper girlfriend and after 3 years he decided that he didn’t want to settle down with his first girlfriend so he broke up with me. I was heartbroken. I didn’t tell anyone for a few weeks because I thought I would fall apart. Then it was a further 6 months before I could talk about him at all. We remained friends and are now close friends again.

This guy is stirring up similar feelings of deep, genuine, selfless love.

OP posts:
FavouriteSong · 04/10/2019 23:22

But you're married. Also you're projecting feelings of deep, genuine, selfless love onto a man who may not feel anything much at all for you, other than you're ok to work with. I think you're getting carried away with it all.

Your poor husband, presumably, has no idea you're hankering after a man at work?

Original poster
StrangeDays78 · 04/10/2019 23:33

My friend is much more than just a colleague.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrangeDays78 · 04/10/2019 23:34

My husband hasn’t been a perfect husband. He has physically cheated on me.

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/10/2019 23:41

What's keeping you in the marriage, then?
Married to a cheater.
Feelings for another.

Original poster
StrangeDays78 · 04/10/2019 23:52

My husband cheated but as far as I’m aware it was one time before children. He’s a decent person.
However, he would get nasty if we split and I don’t really want to have to deal with that on my own. Plus I don’t want to be away from my children and give up 50% of my time with them for nothing.

I haven’t felt this way for 20 years. This feeling is very specific to my friend. I have no interest in splitting up to be alone, away from my children, waiting a further 20 years before I fall in love again.

OP posts:
getyourgrooveback · 05/10/2019 00:13

OP.

Never leave a relationship for another person, whether it might be true love or not. Leave a relationship for you.

Helpmedecide123 · 05/10/2019 06:32

Ok so your plan is to tell this friend you love him and that you're going to end your marriage so you can be together.

What response are you expecting?

funnylittlefloozie · 05/10/2019 07:16

Your DH is a decent man but he would get nasty if you left? So, hes not really a decent man, is he?

I think you just have a massive crush on someone who seems to be nicer than your husband. This is not unusual. If you dont want to be with your DH any more, do yourself a favour and split with him. Maybe your crush will follow your example and you two can be together, or maybe he wont. Only you can make that choice.

Lweji · 05/10/2019 08:03

I suspect that your husband, as well as being a cheat, is very far from being decent, and you're grabbing at this to get help to walk out.
Family and friends, and women's aid can too.
You seem afraid of being alone and that's not a good place to be in any relationship. You need to work on that.
Particularly because your feelings for this man may be a cry for help rather than genuine long lasting love.

Your attitude towards the children is also very selfish. No mention of uprooting them or the effects on them, just your loneliness and your feelings for this man. The thing is that it may well show that you desperately want to leave your marriage but need a hand. Not that you're in love with this man.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/10/2019 08:22

Plus I don’t want to be away from my children and give up 50% of my time with them for nothing

But you’ll quite happily do it to get the other man (hmm)

You sound like a teen, where you can’t be without someone. Fine if it’s just you but you have children and responsibilities.

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 08:29

Your DH is a decent man but he would get nasty if you left? So, hes not really a decent man, is he?

So all the women here who get angry while divorcing aren't decent people?

I suspect that your husband, as well as being a cheat, is very far from being decent, and you're grabbing at this to get help to walk out.

Yeah it must be her husbands fault. OP deips feeds that he cheated. She chose to stay with him, chose to have kiss with him
But he must be abusing her and this isnt really her fault.

If a woman posted that she cheated on her dh years ago, they lived past it but she now find out he was now cheating no one would say 'well it's your fault. You probably abuse him and dont show enough affection, poor thing is just desperately looking for love'.

Lweji · 05/10/2019 08:34

So all the women here who get angry while divorcing aren't decent people?

It depends. If there's no cheating and the man has stopped loving his wife and treats her decently, then they're not, no.

ScreamingValenta · 05/10/2019 08:39

What stands out for me is that there's no certainty the man you're in love with feels the same way.

You really need to have an honest, blunt conversation with him, asking exactly the question you're asking here - "Should I leave my husband to start a serious relationship with you?"

If you can't speak to him with that level of honesty, you are on a non-starter.

Irrespective of what happens with the new man, you need to decide what you want to happen with your marriage - otherwise you'll find this kind of thing keeps happening. Is 'ticking along nicely' enough for you?

Don't forget that the vast majority of long-term marriages and relationships end up 'ticking along nicely' - that's how life works. You don't generally spend 10 years or more with someone in a state of tempestuous passion - rather you 'tick along' but (hopefully) your relationship is underpinned by a deep level of love and trust, which is stronger than 'falling in love' love or lust.

If you place too much importance on the heady stages of 'falling in love' all that will happen is that you'll lurch from relationship to relationship, moving on as soon as real life replaces the fantasy.