I love her but don’t want sex with her

[MaybeRabies]

I’ve been married for 20 years, and for most of that we’ve had very little sex. She always wants to, but I just don’t want to at all. I know it’s unfair on her, but I can’t help how I feel. I can’t really explain it either though. I feel a little sad that I’m “missing out”, and guilty that my wife certainly is missing out, but I just can’t bring myself to have sex with her.

I’ve done all the usual to sort it out (therapy, hormones and so on), but nothing has worked. I’m not asexual (nor gay), but I probably do have quite a low sex drive. I do sometimes feel desire towards other women, but not towards my wife. To be honest I could happily get by with no more sex ever.

I do totally love her, and would prefer to be with her without sex than with anyone else with sex.

But my wife really struggles without. She says that she still wants to be with me (even with no sex), and is staying regardless but I know it really hurts her.

We’ve got two kids together. There isn’t any conflict between us, and we are quite cuddly with each other, and say nice things to each other. The things which are “missing” are things which take place in the bedroom, so I doubt the children have any idea that there is anything “wrong”. We would both be devastated not to bring them up together in one household.

I have offered for her to see other people if she needs to, although I think I would feel quite upset about it if she did. She isn’t sure if she wants to.

What can I do to help her feel happier?

It’s a dysfunctional relationship and it’s not really fair on your wife. There’s no reason why you can’t co-parent as friends. Surely give her the option? You could have houses in the same street but live separately?

Divorce her. Set her free.

Sex is an important part of a relationship, but why the hell should she go without pleasure just because you don't fancy it? YABVVU.

tell her youre asexual/dont fancy her and its unlikely to change, and let her decide. Dont string her along just because you are content. She isnt

You can still parent well as a team without staying in a relationship that is making you both miserable. The relationship is dead if you don't want to make the effort with the sexual side.

If she's not open to having her sexual nerds met elsewhere, then you should split.

Sorry but that's your options if she's unhappy in the situation.

Apart from continuing to get therapy and giving her the option to meet her needs else where there isn’t anything you can do beyond providing her with reassurance that you are the one with the problem and that you are trying to sort it out for her sake.

I don't know if you really appreciate how miserable and devastated your wife is. I'm sure she feels stuck in a marriage to a man who has no desire for her, and that would be absolutely soul crushing. I certainly couldn't live like that.

It's unusual on here to see this from the male side, assuming you are male. If you can both be happy together without sex great, but that would be a tall order for a lot of couples. This isn't going to resolve itself and you need to be 100% honest with her.

When you say no sex do you mean things like kissing and foreplay too?
If my DP didn’t even want to passionately kiss me ever then I couldn’t cope with that and it would mess with my head.
Could you have a trial separation for a year where you remain close friends but live separately? You might both decide to get back together after the separation or you might both decide that the grass is greener and make it permanent. I think your wife deserves a chance to meet someone else who desires her though

You sound asexual. What makes you say you're not? It's not a slur. And plenty if asexual people do feel desire from time to time. It doesn't mean never at all, no attraction to anyone at all. Only in some cases. You probably are asexual.

And libido can change over the years too.

It's not fair on her to string her along like this. But I'm also torn, because I don't think there's 100% a right way to resolve this, because people will or won't accept various solutions. It's kind of individual. It sounds like your wife isn't into the idea of taking other lovers, where as other people in an asexual marriage, will.

Do you still fancy her?

I think you're getting a harsh reception. If shoe was on the other foot I and it was a woman I think you'd be given more sympathetic advice. Did you have a lack of desire for sex before you met your wife? Is it that you no longer fancy her? Have you fallen out of love or got in a rut? Or is sex full stop that you have a problem with? Can you ever remember wanting her sexually? Has something happened to you that made you feel oddly about having sex?

What @Aquamarine1029 said. It must be devastating for her and make her feel ugly and unwanted.

I think this is a tough one as you both must love each other dearly, but this must really hurt her and that's not fair.

Are you a porn addict, OP? Because I know how much porn has a detrimental impact on sexual desire towards a partner.

If you’re not attracted to her she knows and she’ll feel like absolute crap about it.

Do the right thing and end the marriage. 20 years of no real intimacy

Why not sit down and work out if she wants to never have sex again?

And give her the option of leaving you as you don't find her attractive any more.

I think especially on here that sex is made out to be amazing. A lot of people have very average sex lives, which aren't all singing all dancing.

I would probably say I find being more myself has helped. As I'm not doing anything I don't like to please the other person and just not worrying so much about my performance, as I'm happy to take it or leave it. So what I'm saying is it the actual sex with your wife you don't like, or her appearance or something?

I hate it when my DH hasn't washed his hair, I can smell sweaty hair and it's a complete turn off. Anyway the other day I said you need to wash your hair everyday you've been doing manual labour at work, it's a bit stinky. I wasn't being horrible, but just more open. He took it fine and washed his hair and it was much nicer being close to him.

Plus I think it's ok to fantasise about others and then once feeling a little keen be with your partner. Being someone long term isn't as exciting.

Branleuse - I have told her this, but she still wants to stay.

Ella - nothing sexual at all, really.

AmIThough - I don’t really fancy her, no. But not because she isn’t attractive - I very rarely fancy anyone.

Limpbizkit - I’ve never been that into sex, but it was never like this. I can’t explain why I’ve ended up so averse to it.

RLEOM - no, I don’t use porn, and rarely masturbate.

It's sad MaybeRabies. You obviously did like sex or at least tried to at times because you have two children.

I agree with others that you sound as though you are asexual. I don't know what the answer is, your wife may feel unloved/unappreciated without sex.

Please do keep the lines of communication open and reassure her that you really do love her. and that this is just the way you are.

There are many ways of showing love and affection, it doesn't have to be penetrative sex. However I have the feeling your marriage might end in which case I sincerely hope you can remain friends and always be there for each other.

Could you stay with her but let her find discreet sex elsewhere?

Whilst I have no advice for you, I am in your wife's position (or fairly similar) in that I'm the one who has a reasonable sex drive and my DH doesn't want to. Much as though he professes to fancy me and I know he loves and adores me, he isn't interested in sex. It's crushing to my self esteem, but we have 3 children and our relationship is wonderful apart from the lack of sex so I stay because I figure my libido will probably nosedive when I reach menopause anyway so why throw away such a great relationship over differing sex drives. But it frustrates me to the point of tears.

I know this is a big no no on here but why don't you have sex to satisfy your partner even if you don't have the desire?

I'm in a relationship with mismatched sex drives and we compromise rather than breaking up or having an "open" sex life as the compromise is the best option. For the record I have a very high sex drive and my DP would be happy with once or twice a week.

If the thought is so repulsive that you can't bring yourself to do this then either a counsellor to resolve your issues (of which there may not be any), let her find that somewhere else if she would be comfortable doing so or break up.

Before doing anything drastic as some of these suggestions are, could you check out whether there is some physical or psychological reason for your low libido? It could be something that can be addressed.
If love is there, it seems too harsh to give it up for sex, which is what your wife would be having to choose if you split up. I hope the love between you goes on growing, and you get this sorted.

If you both love each other, want to stay together and don't want anybody else then do just that. There are probably a lot of couples who rarely/never have sex and how important that is depends on individuals. But if she is very unhappy about it I'm not sure what to suggest. A lot of people have replied so far that you should just split up, your poor wife etc but on a similar thread where the woman who had a baby 5 months ago can't stand kissing or being intimate with her husband in any way is getting all the sympathy as if it's Normal to go platonic with your husband if you have any kids and he should just put up with it. Double standards. Anyway find some therapy and I hope something works for you because it sounds like you both really want to stay together.

You've tried. You've been honest with her. She's chosen to stay. I don't think the is much else to say or do. She's got free will and she has the right to decide to stay even though it might be sexless. She may decide to go in the future, who knows.

I understnad you, and I think you are probably asexual. Personally I wish there wasn't such a focus and importance on sex in relationships and resent whenever I'm told i need therapy to change the fact that I don't like want or have any interest in sex. To me it's just an activity and there are no other activities that someone would suggest there's something wrong with you for not enjoying but sex is something we're supposed to universally enjoy and I don't get that.

Asexual people are just as capable of real love and real love and sex have nothing to do with each other. Maybe love is not enough for some people and sex is important enough to them that they can't feel loved without it. But that doesn't mean that you are wrong or dysfunctional to want love without sex.