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Original poster

I love her but don’t want sex with her

88 replies

MaybeRabies · 01/10/2019 10:58

I’ve been married for 20 years, and for most of that we’ve had very little sex. She always wants to, but I just don’t want to at all. I know it’s unfair on her, but I can’t help how I feel. I can’t really explain it either though. I feel a little sad that I’m “missing out”, and guilty that my wife certainly is missing out, but I just can’t bring myself to have sex with her.

I’ve done all the usual to sort it out (therapy, hormones and so on), but nothing has worked. I’m not asexual (nor gay), but I probably do have quite a low sex drive. I do sometimes feel desire towards other women, but not towards my wife. To be honest I could happily get by with no more sex ever.

I do totally love her, and would prefer to be with her without sex than with anyone else with sex.

But my wife really struggles without. She says that she still wants to be with me (even with no sex), and is staying regardless but I know it really hurts her.

We’ve got two kids together. There isn’t any conflict between us, and we are quite cuddly with each other, and say nice things to each other. The things which are “missing” are things which take place in the bedroom, so I doubt the children have any idea that there is anything “wrong”. We would both be devastated not to bring them up together in one household.

I have offered for her to see other people if she needs to, although I think I would feel quite upset about it if she did. She isn’t sure if she wants to.

What can I do to help her feel happier?

OP posts:
CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 01/10/2019 17:04

Are you suggesting that I should make the decision to leave for her - even if she claims it isn't what she wants?

Yes.

Because unlike other cases of marital discord with sexual refusal (for whatever reason) everything else can be chugging along well. Nothing else has changed for them. To put all the onus on them to break up an otherwise happy family is shitty. OF COURSE most decent people will prefer to martyr themselves than disturb an otherwise happy home for the sake of their sexual needs, especially where children are concerned. Sitting someone down and saying 'oh but you can fuck other people' knowing damn well they don't want to be unfaithful and will not take that option because they want a connection and still love you is very disingenuous.

You're the one with the problem. You leave. If it was any other issue - say you wanted to have an affair - people would tell you to do the decent thing and leave. For some reason lack of sex gets people of the hook on MN.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 01/10/2019 17:05

off grr.

SherbetSaucer · 01/10/2019 17:39

Are you suggesting that I should make the decision to leave for her - even if she claims it isn't what she wants?

We’re staying outright! At least then she kind find someone she is sexually compatible with. You’re denying her so much and you don’t even realise.

PicsInRed · 01/10/2019 17:42

I'm struck that this someone's-DH OP seems to have a reasonable amount of insight, isn't projecting any blame at his wife and was understanding of the reason posters were more sympathetic to a previous female poster over him.

I do wonder if this is why his wife has stayed. He may actually be a genuinely pleasant and nice man, she's weighed it up, misses sex desperately but - on the balance of things - he's much better life company than some average bloke with average bedroom skills.

The one thing that concerns me, OP, is that you said you are occasionally attracted to other women. My concern is that you could meet someone you are really drawn to and leave your wife for that person. After having put up with a 20 year celibate life for her love of you - who she assumes to be a good man who loves her - that would absolutely break her.

So, OP, you really need to look deep into yourself and ask "is that something that could conceivably happen?". Because if it is, you should leave her now as a single man, rather than later as a world shattering betrayal.

Flowers
EmptyOrchestra · 01/10/2019 17:43

Sorry, but that’s ridiculous. As long as he’s made it clear to her that he would be understanding and supportive if she chose to end the marriage, he shouldn’t end it when she doesn’t want to.

I know DH finds this aspect of our relationship very difficult but he doesn’t want a divorce so I’m not going to force him. If he wanted to I woke completely understand and we discuss all this regularly.

Wonderland18 · 01/10/2019 17:49

I find it insane that if OP was a woman saying these things she would be told she doesn’t need to want to have sex and she should leave her husband as he’s a sex pest if he wants it so bad.

OP you do not have to have sex with your wife, of course you’ll feel guilty but definitely lay all cards out to her and let her decide. If she chooses to have a sex free marriage then that’s obviously not an issue for her, sex is a huge part of confidence but if you build her up in other ways it doesn’t mean that she will feel unloved or not good enough without it.

SherbetSaucer · 01/10/2019 17:50

Maybe give her permission to get a hot side man who can fulfil every one of her sexual wishes and desire her the way she deserves to be desired. At least then she’s not left wanting and can still have whatever it is that she has with you.

Fairylea · 01/10/2019 17:53

I think this is a lot more common than people think, especially amongst long term relationships and those who are older. If she wants to stay and you want to stay and have been honest with her then there’s nothing wrong with either of you.

TheStuffedPenguin · 01/10/2019 19:58

because I figure my libido will probably nosedive when I reach menopause anyway so why throw away such a great relationship over differing sex drives

Where do people get these ideas from ? Many women my age are having the best ever sex of their lives...

Otterhound · 01/10/2019 20:03

All you can be is honest an open with her.
You have been and you have tried to address this. Really the ball is in her court.

Have you tried physcosexual counselling ?

Mummybares · 01/10/2019 21:58

What sort of women do you get turned on by then? Why not your wife?!

CheekyFuckersDontGetPastMe · 01/10/2019 22:19

PicsInRed I totally agree

partysong · 01/10/2019 22:27

For gods sake, she's a grown woman.

  1. Don't ask us, you've asked her. She's chosen to stay, that's enough
  2. Everyone else stop making decisions for her. She's a grown woman, she's chosen to stay. That's enough.
Rachelover60 · 01/10/2019 22:48

TheStuffedPenguin
because I figure my libido will probably nosedive when I reach menopause anyway so why throw away such a great relationship over differing sex drives
---
Where do people get these ideas from ? Many women my age are having the best ever sex of their lives...
.........
Too right!

Rachelover60 · 01/10/2019 22:56

I don't see how they've wasted 20 years of their life just because they don't have sex or not often. They've raised a family, they live together presumably harmoniously. I would think it has been a worthwhile relationship even if some things are lacking. There is usually something lacking in a relationship.

The op has been totally honest and not unkind. His wife has choices. She may not be the type to want to take a lover, friend-with-benefits or whatever. In any case, sex is short term fix if there is no commitment. They'll work it out somehow.

The op has not been unfaithful, he's had fantasies but don't we all at times. Doing it in your head is not the same as actually performing.

Interestedwoman · 01/10/2019 23:02

I don't think you should end it of your own accord OP. If she chooses to do that, that's her choice to make (which you've offered her.)

There's far more to a relationship than sex, and she knows that which is probably part of why she's staying.

I understand people's perspectives that she might feel she can't leave, but her choices are her own to make.

Not wanting much sex doesn't necessarily make you asexual.

Don't have any sex you don't want to have.

Fmlgirl · 02/10/2019 17:16

I was in a relationship like this. I don’t think you’re being fair to your wife. I think you need to split up so she can move on and find someone who fancies her sexually. That or agree to an open relationship which probably only works well in theory.

Justa2015 · 04/10/2019 15:50

My DH was previously in a relationship very similar to this, together 20 years, also given the permission to have sexual relationships outside of the marriage. One of my close friends was also in a similar situation in which her exh didn't want to have a sexual relationship but she desperately did. They both stayed (I guess because lack of sex doesn't seem a 'good enough' reason to end a marriage, and the relationships were good in other ways), although both relationships did eventually end. It caused immense, lasting damage to both of them if I'm honest. It still occasionally crops up in our relationship now, even though we've now been together for years, have both had counselling, and have talked about it endlessly. I think for the person that doesn't want a sexual relationship its easy to minimise the deep, psychological effect it can have on their partner; its not just about getting your end away, on that most primal of levels they feel they are not loved, not accepted for who they are, and that their needs are not worthy of being met, no matter how loving the relationship is in other ways. Although my DH was given explicit permission to have a sexual relationship elsewhere he never did as what he was actually craving was sex and connection with the person he loved. When we started seeing each other I found him sobbing in the shower one day, the feeling of finally being accepted for who he was was so profound and moving to him, it was heartbreaking to watch.
I don't think either you or you wife are at fault here, you just want fundamentally different things and have different needs in that realm of your relationship, there should be no shame attached to that. However, the person that doesn't want sex in a relationship ultimately holds the power, and there is no way to sugar coat this, but your wife will always be unhappy about this element of her life whilst she is in a relationship with you. Of course you can't force her to leave, and in all likelihood she is unlikely to leave for this reason alone, and would feel immense shame at the idea of doing so. If you truly want to make her happier then maybe think about giving her explicit permission that if she meets someone else who fulfils these needs you will understand and not make things unnecessarily difficult for her, even if it means the end of your marriage on its current terms, or perhaps the end completely. And to say to her that you will still be friends if that's what she wants and that you will continue to co-parent with her with as much love, co-operation and respect as you do now, then make it your mission to be strong enough to follow through on this should it happen. Of course, she may never pursue this option, but by saying this you will be acknowledging how difficult this is for her, will give her some sense of autonomy back for getting her sexual and romantic needs met, and will make things more civil all round should it ever happen. I would also read up on the psychological effects a sexless relationship can have on a person, her self esteem and sense of self worth will be affected in very specific ways, and although you can't fix this as you don't want sex with her, you can become aware of these so that you can try and support her in other ways. Good luck to you both x

AryaStarkWolf · 04/10/2019 16:00

I have offered for her to see other people if she needs to, although I think I would feel quite upset about it if she did

You'd feel upset if she slept with others but don't want to sleep with her yourself? When you offered for her to sleep with other people did you also tell her you'd be upset if she did?

Anyway, her choice but I wouldn't live that way

DBML · 04/10/2019 16:15

Have you been tested for low testosterone op?

I’ve seen the difference testosterone injections can make to a man. Not only where sex drive is concerned, but erections, mental well-being and body strength.

DBML · 04/10/2019 16:17

Just to add, you need to see a proper endocrinologist to fully understand your testosterone...and not just a gp.
Also rub-in hormones and OTC treatments would be next to useless.

Original poster
MaybeRabies · 04/10/2019 16:21

Justa2015 - thank you for your very detailed and thoughtful reply. I'll try to take everything you've said on board.

DBML - I've had my testosterone checked, and all normal.

OP posts:
Rainbowhairdontcare · 05/10/2019 03:53

Before I divorced I was in a similar position. I remember telling my exH that even if Bradley Cooper was next to me, I really didn't fancy having sex at all. I offered to open the relationship plenty of times because I thought it was unfair on him.

Guess what? I divorced, found my now DH and I can't get enough of him on the bedroom and it's been years now. Obviously I didn't fancy my ex at all and just made myself think I was asexual and normalised my behaviour.

DeeCeeCherry · 05/10/2019 04:23

I figure my libido will probably nosedive when I reach menopause anyway

sugatmice not necessarily. Don't believe what you read on here. I'm mid-50s menopausal and my sex drive hasn't gone. Not to say we're highly active but 1-2 times a week is OK.

Its sad to wish your years away hoping and waiting for menopause to kill your libido.

I know there are men who are asexual (mentioning men as post is about a man) but when I've heard of it, years later an underlying reason always emerges ie porn addiction, mummy issues, madonna/whore syndrome.

Even if it's not that it's so selfish to want the convenience comfort and security of a relationship, but withold sexual intimacy. It's a path to resentment unhappiness and a sham of a relationship just for show.

PickedByYou · 05/10/2019 04:47

You have been honest with your wife and considerate and understanding of her feelings and you have also tried to access help to see if there is a reason for your non exaistant sex drive. I don't see what else you can do.

I'm shocked at posters who suggest you should just have sex with her even though you don't want to. Can you imagine the outrage if that was said to a woman!!
You essentially want different things and neither of you are wrong.
I'd suggest some sort of councelling so that you both know how to deal with this and what, if anything, you can do about it.
You both sound as though you love each other and want the best for each other. The fact that you both show your love and affection with each other through hugs and cuddles is positive. There are a lot of couples that may be having sec but don't seem to even like each other very much. You see threads where that is the situation on the Mumsnet all the time.
If my husband didnt want sex I'm sure I'd feel frustrated but I would live with it if he was a loving partner otherwise.

Good luck and please ignore the double standards on Mumsnet.