I love her but don’t want sex with her

[MaybeRabies]

I’ve been married for 20 years, and for most of that we’ve had very little sex. She always wants to, but I just don’t want to at all. I know it’s unfair on her, but I can’t help how I feel. I can’t really explain it either though. I feel a little sad that I’m “missing out”, and guilty that my wife certainly is missing out, but I just can’t bring myself to have sex with her.

I’ve done all the usual to sort it out (therapy, hormones and so on), but nothing has worked. I’m not asexual (nor gay), but I probably do have quite a low sex drive. I do sometimes feel desire towards other women, but not towards my wife. To be honest I could happily get by with no more sex ever.

I do totally love her, and would prefer to be with her without sex than with anyone else with sex.

But my wife really struggles without. She says that she still wants to be with me (even with no sex), and is staying regardless but I know it really hurts her.

We’ve got two kids together. There isn’t any conflict between us, and we are quite cuddly with each other, and say nice things to each other. The things which are “missing” are things which take place in the bedroom, so I doubt the children have any idea that there is anything “wrong”. We would both be devastated not to bring them up together in one household.

I have offered for her to see other people if she needs to, although I think I would feel quite upset about it if she did. She isn’t sure if she wants to.

What can I do to help her feel happier?

I think there are probably lots of long-term couples who don’t have sex and have varying degrees of satisfaction with that situation, but find it preferable to breaking up a marriage when there are children involved. I don’t think you’re alone here. The main thing is that you’re honest with your wife and that she knows you’re open to ending the marriage if that’s what she’d prefer.
I’m not sure why some people are so keen for the OP to identify as asexual or anything else; are those kinds of labels really helpful? Sex drive is variable and changes over our lifetime, at any point there will be people at either extreme. The OP isn’t obliged to change something that isn’t a problem for him. But it’s important that his wife knows how he feels and that this is likely to be the situation long-term.

What does she miss about sex? Is it something she could take care of herself IYSWIM without sleeping with someone else if she doesn't want to do that?

Would you be willing to cuddle with her while she takes care of herself?
You wouldn't have to do the deed but she could still feel close to you.

Unless you’re willing to let her engage in sex with someone else you should let her go. It’s important to her and you’re not giving her what she needs.

A similar thread running at the moment from a woman who cannot face sex with her partner.
There is nothing but sympathy for her on the thread.
You might find it an interesting read. There are clearly lots and lots of sexless marriages from the sound of it.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3705861-feeling-sick-at-the-thought-of-being-intimate-with-dp

Sex is an important part of a relationship, but why the hell should she go without pleasure just because you don't fancy it? YABVVU.

You’d say this to a woman who didn’t want sex with her husband would you?

I think to be fair to the differences between the comments made on this post and the other post where genders are reversed, in the other post (which I wasn't aware of when I posted myself) (a) the wife had only not wanted sex for a relatively short period of time, and (b) the husband wasn't exactly doing himself any favours with his behaviour.

In my case I've not wanted sex for many years, not just months, and without the justification of having recently given birth (obviously), and my wife is not throwing a strop about the lack of sex, or making herself unattractive, and in fact most of the time she tries to hide her upset.

I would hope it is these factors that have influenced the nature of the comments made, rather than the gender reversal.

You are being so very unfair to your wife. You say you don't want sex with her but does that mean no oral sex either or just penetrative sex? She does what sex so why should you get what you want all of the time? You say you love her but you are treating her so shabbily. If you no longer desire her at all set her free to find love with another person. You can still be friendly and bring up children together. You are being so selfish and totally unreasonable and your wife must love you very very much to even consider still staying with you.

Personally I don't see the problem.. OP has said he is not interested in sex.. his Wife knows this and does not want to leave the marriage.. so whats the problem ??

another MN double standards thread. Man wanting sex = evil bastard. Woman wanting sex = essential need that must be met

I’ve been married for 20 years, and for most of that we’ve had very little sex

I do sometimes feel desire towards other women, but not towards my wife.

How selfish of you. 20 fucking years?! I cannot even imagine how undesirable, unsexy, unattractive she must privately feel. You feel desire towards other women but not your spouse?

You are wasting the best years of your wife's life and I say the best, because unfortunately in the unequal world we live in a womans 'value' degrades as she she starts to show her age. Getting out there in the dating game is tough mid 30s or 40s.

I'm curious, was it a bait and switch situation? Because I'm assuming you had enough sex to reel her into marriage?

Plus all this 'she wants to stay'. Nonsense. In these situations the cruelest part is that all the burden for breaking up the family is placed on the person not getting the sex. They are expected to make the frightening leap to end things instead of the person who is refusing sex actually having guts, being fair and making it easier on them by walking away themselves because they cannot give the other a fundamental part of the relationship they need.

I am sorry but it really is cruel. Fine you say you can't help it, then it's up to you to do the right thing.

As for saying you'd rather be with her than be someone else with sex, since you are not so bothered about sex that is hardly a comparable sacrifice to the one she is making is it? Had you said 'I'd rather be with her and have sex than be with someone who, like me, is not bothered about sex' then that would be a committment equal to the one she is making.

As said previously you can co-parent and be friends as you are now. And you should find someone with a libido equal to yours.

yeah, but he admits to desiring other women but not the wife, does she know this?

Youd be told completely different if you were a woman.

To me it sounds like you are Asexual or you simply haven't found what does attract you.

The former could be clear to your wife and if you've been honest and shes choosing to stay then be happy with her choice I guess.

Problems really will come if it's the latter though and you meet someone that flicks a switch imo.

She does what sex so why should you get what you want all of the time?

Because that's the very essence of consent. The person who doesn't want to have sex "wins". Anything else is rape or sexual assault. No one should be forced to have sex against their wishes and I find it unbelievable that you are advocating for that.

If a woman doesn't want sex with her husband do you think she should lie back and think if England once a week?

If the wife isn't happy with no sex what's stopping her from leaving? Why is it up to the OP to decide what's best for his wife? She's an adult and can make her own choices.

I would hope it is these factors that have influenced the nature of the comments made, rather than the gender reversal.

Thanks. You said what I would have.

I think being very honest is good. Bear in mind that she may be saying she doesn't want to seek sex elsewhere but that may change if someone turns up. Theoretical sex is a lot less attractive than offered sex.

Cuddles
another MN double standards thread. Man wanting sex = evil bastard. Woman wanting sex = essential need that must be met
........
That is certainly true.

It is a very sad situation but the op cannot help how he feels, he has unburdened himself to us so the least we can do is listen and not have goes at him. Life is often complicated. I think he wants to make the right decisions at this time.

I don't take much notice of what he says about sometimes fancying other women. That's just in his head, he hasn't done anything. Most people have fantasies.

I can see the marriage coming to an end but as they have a high regard for each other, they can be friends. They don't have to tell their kids sexual details (they wouldn't want to know), just that they have felt unhappy/incompatible for years and have decided to part but still like each other and love their children. At that stage neither party will have anyone else and hopefully will proceed with caution on that score.

and in fact most of the time she tries to hide her upset
and this is the crux of the problem.
It is totally and utterly soul destroying for anyone to be rejected again and again and again.
When you are with someone you love and have committed your life to... to know that they no longer find you sexually desirable and make no effort at all to please you, it knocks every bit of confidence you have.
Don't keep doing this to her.
I don’t really fancy her, no
Tell her the truth. You don't fancy her any more and that won't change.
She can then make the decision to end this so she can have a happy, fulfilling relationship with someone with the same needs as her.
Life is way too fucking short for all this crap.
What you are doing is utterly utterly cruel beyond belief!

She does what sex so why should you get what you want all of the time?

What happened to ‘enthusiastic consent’? Who would want to have sex with a man who doesn’t want it? That’s kind of disgusting.

She can have as much sex as she wants if she leaves the marriage. She’s not being forced to stay with him.

Jeepers, some of you need to take a look at yourselves.

If this was a woman posting would you be telling her she MUST HAVE SEX because not to do so would be selfish? No you wouldn’t .

I’m a woman, I’m married, I’m pretty much asexual these days due to medication I take which has left me with no libido at all. Zero, zilch, nothing and it’s shit.

Do you honestly think I don’t consider my sexual husband and his needs? Does anyone do that?

Fact is like the OP’s partner my husband has chosen to stay despite knowing I have no libido.

OP, be honest with her, and accept that in the future she may leave if no sex is a deal breaker for her.

Show your love in other ways and have a cuddle if that’s still feeling okay. DH and I still have a cuddle, we still take time to snuggle on the sofa and we still enjoy each other’s company. If he one day decides that this is no longer enough then I will be sad but accept it.

Hellsbells - I have told her I don't feel sexually attracted to her - as kindly as possible (I know there isn't any way to really sugar-coat it).

Catherine - it wasn't bait and switch. I can't explain why I was able to sleep with her then but not now, but it was genuine at the time. I was very young, and had very little sexual experience to draw on. Are you suggesting that I should make the decision to leave for her - even if she claims it isn't what she wants?

I’m a woman who’s in the same position as you, and DH is in your wife’s position. I’ve been rendered asexual by medical issues which are still not properly diagnosed / resolved after 11 years. It’s clearly some form of hormonal imbalance as I do have fleeting periods where it returns following a change in hormone levels but then it goes again.

As long as she fully understands the situation, it’s up to her whether she stays. Your responsibility is to be honest about it and do whatever you can to try and resolve it.

I would definitely keep going down the medical route - in my years of dealing with this I’ve encountered many who’ve been in this situation due to years of undiagnosed thyroid problems, hormonal imbalance etc. I’ve seen multiple experts that asexuality generally has a hormonal or otherwise medical cause, it’s just finding it that’s the issue.

I’m still regularly at the GP begging for help (loss of libido is only one of the many symptoms I’m struggling with, sadly).

If you feel anything like I do, the suggestions of just doing it anyway are a very bad idea. Such people clearly don’t understand what it’s like when your libido is completely absent. When it’s back, I want sex all the time and am very physically affectionate. When it’s gone I can’t stand to be touched or kissed - hugging is my limit. Counselling won’t fix it, its not a psychological issue. It’s absolutely awful and nothing I can control - i would spend every penny I have on fixing it if it were that easy. Doctors don’t seem to care what it is, and cursory blood tests are their limit.

What you are doing is utterly utterly cruel beyond belief!

What is he “doing” apart from being honest with his wife and letting her decide what she wants to do?

Tbh OP, you're either asexual or it's purely that you don't fancy your wife or a combination of the 2. I thought I had zero libido but the truth was I didn't fancy my exH. Now we've split and I'm with someone else who I fancy like mad, my libido is through the roof.

This isn't at all fair on your wife and you've wasted 20 years of her life. I'd say the same if it was the other way around as well. You need to split.

OP I don’t think you are being unfair on your wife, and think others saying that isn’t right.

You don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to, you haven’t lied, you’ve sought help and you’ve given her options to leave. Other than continue to be honest I don’t see what you can do.

This has to be her free choice, just make all the choices, including splitting and harmoniously co-parenting available to her.