I love her but don’t want sex with her

[MaybeRabies]

I’ve been married for 20 years, and for most of that we’ve had very little sex. She always wants to, but I just don’t want to at all. I know it’s unfair on her, but I can’t help how I feel. I can’t really explain it either though. I feel a little sad that I’m “missing out”, and guilty that my wife certainly is missing out, but I just can’t bring myself to have sex with her.

I’ve done all the usual to sort it out (therapy, hormones and so on), but nothing has worked. I’m not asexual (nor gay), but I probably do have quite a low sex drive. I do sometimes feel desire towards other women, but not towards my wife. To be honest I could happily get by with no more sex ever.

I do totally love her, and would prefer to be with her without sex than with anyone else with sex.

But my wife really struggles without. She says that she still wants to be with me (even with no sex), and is staying regardless but I know it really hurts her.

We’ve got two kids together. There isn’t any conflict between us, and we are quite cuddly with each other, and say nice things to each other. The things which are “missing” are things which take place in the bedroom, so I doubt the children have any idea that there is anything “wrong”. We would both be devastated not to bring them up together in one household.

I have offered for her to see other people if she needs to, although I think I would feel quite upset about it if she did. She isn’t sure if she wants to.

What can I do to help her feel happier?

Sex*

I am not fussed about sex and would happily never have it again if it were up to me. However my DP has no idea I feel this way because I do it for him. He values it and thinks it important, therefore it's important to me, even if the act itself isn't, iyswim.

At the end of the day it's 20 mins out of your life a few times a week. Can't you just do it to make her happy?

Why do you say you are not asexual. It's sounds like you definitely are. Asexual doesn't mean you have no urges.there are many shades of asexual. You might still get occasional urges, fancy an attractive man or woman or occasionally masturbate but sex isn't normally a priority.
I'm asexual and have been married twice and had regular sex with both husbands but it boils down to I loved them but would rather not have sex with them but did to keep the marriage going.
I'd check out the asexual website.
Whatever the outcome you need to be open and honest with your wife about your sexual its and how you feel. Don't just shut down and withdraw as that will be the end of your marriage.
I prefer to live alone now. I would rather not have to have sex with people when it feels like just another household chore.

At the end of the day it's 20 mins out of your life a few times a week. Can't you just do it to make her happy?

Imagine saying that to a woman on here

OP you've been honest with your wife, it's up to her if she stays, and by the sound of it she wants to. Is there anything intimate you can do together that you are comfortable with as well? Not sex, but something to feel close?

Why don't you divorce your wife? I suspect that's too inconvenient for you. Its so selfish.

I had a quick look at the other thread pp's are going on about. There are differences around behaviour of the person who does want sex. However I'd say same if it were a man or a woman. Within a relationship, withholding sexual intimacy from your partner is cruel. There's no excuse for it. Some are saying it's 'just a chore'. That dehumanises your partner and dismisses their feelings as totally unimportant in the face of yours.

People don't divorce in these circumstances as they want the convenience and comfort of life and home and finances ticking along nice and seamlessly. It's all about them.

The best outcome is that your wife gets proactive and divorces you, free to live a life away from and get over a 'lifepartner' who is causing her mental and emotional misery. You could also find someone as asexual as yourself.

Op, if my husband told me he didn’t fancy me sexually and didn’t want to have sex with me, I’d be crushed. My life would be one big blur of unhappiness. I’d probably stay with him as I’d be scared of the unknown, especially after twenty years together, but I know that I would have the constant pain of rejection stuck in my chest.

Your wife possibly isn’t making a decision to stay with you because just having you present is enough, there is probably a range of worries keeping her tied to the relationship, some as simple as just not wanting upheaval.

Her resentment towards you is likely simmering under the surface and she tries to look supportive and patient as that is what other people tell her she should be doing - if you’re patient and don’t make things as issue, it’ll all go back to how it should be.

Trust me, I know because I’ve been there before DH had his testosterone treatment. If lack of sexual contact had continued to go on for me, I would have eventually cheated, with or without permission (discreetly of course). And I would say the same to any poster male or female.

If you are asexual, you won’t understand the sheer drive to have sex. The frustration is overwhelming. It feels like a need...as strong as bursting to go to wee. It’s all consuming, all you can think about and no, masturbation does not help satisfy those urges.

Tell your wife that 100% never to expect sex again (if that’s how you feel) but make it clear, it’s not a be patient and wait game. That this is it.

*ppety

At the end of the day it's 20 mins out of your life a few times a week. Can't you just do it to make her happy?

Imagine saying that to a woman on here*

If i read correctly,
thatmustbenigelwiththebrie is the woman who is doing this...at least she can't be blamed for hypocrisy.

YABVU.
Okay you have told her how you feel but she has needs.
If you really don`t want sex let her free to have sex with someone else.
I bet that might change your mind.

Seriously some of the comments on here.
For me as an asexual having to have sex with someone when I don't want to is like rape or sex work without being paid for it.
It's abhorrent.
Fine while I was still ovulating as at least my body would want sex during that time as an animal instinct to conceive but post menopause I literally cannot bear any intimacy. Nothing on earth would persuade me to have sex with anyone and I don't need romance either.
Having sex against your will soon turns to hate I can tell you.
It's really up to OPS wife what happens next.

If I were Asexual and didn't want sex with anyone, I wouldn't have a partner who wanted to be sexual.

I mean it's not compulsory to have a partner is it..?

Selfishness to the fore yet again. Instead of leaving or just being with someone who is also Asexual it's 'me me me & if you don't like it tough'

With the onus on the person who feels the need for sex being the one to do something about it. Always.

I suspect much of this attitude is to do with looking down the nose on someone who wants sex as part of a relationship. As if it's somehow wrong, or dirty.

Wow, @KUGA, I'm assuming you also believe that a woman will change her mind about not wanting sex with her husband the moment he goes out and have sex with someone else?

OP, unfortunately, I think that at this stage, you and your wife are fundamentally incompatible. What you both need to do, cold as this sounds, is to sit down and have a proper, structured discussion, preferably with some pre-thought-out questions.

An open relationship typically only works if both parties are enthusiastic about the mere idea of it. Are you? Is she? Do you think you'll resent her for sleeping with someone else? If she's looking for the physical manifestation of emotional intimacy, does she think she'll get it from someone she can't or won't commit to?

What happens in the long run? Could divorce be the best solution for everyone involved? Let's say you stay monogamous, is she willing to give up sex for the sake of remaining in this relationship? Are you willing to be intimate with her in other ways (massages perhaps), and will that be enough for her?

Talk to her, listen to her. Good luck.

Erm…. I am the wife not the dh.
All I meant was if he doesn`t want sex why should she miss out .
Also I am in a lovely relationship/marriage.
I just feel for her.

An open relationship typically only works if both parties are enthusiastic about the mere idea of it. Are you? Is she? Do you think you'll resent her for sleeping with someone else?

tinkerprints it's already been stated that wife doesn't want to sleep with anyone else.