I was the OW, and his family want nothing to do with our children

[Justanothersunday]

Cowardly name change for this. I'll sum up the backstory as briefly as possible whilst being transparent.

DP was with the mother of his first child for a long time, after many years together she was meeting up with another man from her past and bringing him back to their home whilst DP was at work. DP found out and forgave her for the sake of keeping the family together but the relationship never truly recovered.

A year or two after all of that i met DP, he changed jobs and joined my place of work. Over a period of months an emotional affair began. He told me he was developing feelings for me and was no longer in love with her so he left her and we began a relationship.

We moved in together and have gone on to have two children of our own. Many years later we are still together.

DP is still hugely involved in his DC1's life both financially and physically present.

The ex was close to his family and remains so, with most of them having very little to do with DP now and turning their backs on him.

However, his family have also refused to acknowledge our two children (short of giving me abuse on the internet) and have never wanted to meet them. My DC have never received a Christmas or birthday card and have been completely shunned.

They have grandparents, uncles and cousins they know nothing about.

Short of calling me a home wrecker etc which I can take on the chin, what do you think about the way my DC are being treat?

Should they be punished for their fathers actions?

Dont worry OP, not everyone views things this way. The way I see it, someone that falls out of love with their partner, meets someone new and leaves to form a relationship with them without any overlap has done nothing wrong. We can say it is wrong to deceive someone, which it is, but it is never wrong to leave a situation that is wrong for you, and to shun someone for it is saying you think they should have stayed and been unhappy their whole life.

Of course it is always going to be easier on the injured party if their ex waits a long time to move on, but they're not doing anything wrong if they move on quickly. You didn't coerce him into leaving his wife, he chose to because he would rather be with you. That fact alone makes it the right thing to do.

This just sounds weird. He’s cheated on but ‘stayed for the child’ but left as soon as he found someone else. He refuses to tell his mother about his Ex’s infidelity to protect her even though the truth might effect their relationship with you and their grandchildren. He’s loyalty to his Ex is inconsistent and his all round handling of the situation is suspect.

However, it really doesn’t matter, it is their choice who they choose to have a relationship with.

His first born child is perfectly secure and settled and is not missing out on their father at all

Of course he is missing out on his dad unless your DH has full custody but it doesn’t read that way.

He doesn't have full custody no. His ex is a good mother and their child is happy in their home, with mum, and it would be wrong for him to apply for full custody in this situation.

I know he would love to have his DC1 full time if it were all about how he feels.

He makes alot of effort with his first child and does everything he can to ensure they never feel pushed out.

AgentJohnson, i do see what you're saying because I too have been confused and even annoyed that he was reluctant to tell his family the full story.

I think at the root of it was that he felt and probably still does feel a tremendous amount of guilt for upping and leaving, and he wanted his ex to have his families full support (something she may not have had if he had told them about the earlier problems)

As time as gone on he sees no need to rake up the past and muddy her name, to mention it now as ammunition would seem spiteful and he's not that way inclined.

Him and ex are civil, they will probably never be good friends but they get along ok and are amicable in their co parenting.

I think that your title is misleading- it sounds like they don't see your kids as their son (your h) has become more distant. The ILs might think that you and him don't want them in your kids lives and things have drifted on so long with neither side offering an olive branch meaning that the divide has become even bigger. I realise that as a person with ASD it's hard putting yourself out there and explaining painful/embarrassing things to other people but if my adult child split up with a partner and was with another, I'd expect an explanation for the relationship to continue.

He never told his family about his ex’s affair? Did I read that right?

OP it sounds like he spun you a lie then and has kept it up ever since, hence why his family have chose her side over his. They probably know the truth.

But her possible ‘infidelity’ is irrelevant. He stayed with her after this. He chose not to make it an issue then, why would he make it an issue now?
Would you be happier if she and his first child were ostracised instead of you and your children?

The way in which you are treated is a direct result of the way you got together, like it or not. However honourably you fee you acted.

It may seem unfair that people haven’t moved on after all these years, but they are allowed to make that choice, just as you and your husband made yours.

I don’t mean to be unkind op, but I get vibes that:

a) You divert away from the fact your partner left his gf and child following an emotional affair, by bringing up her indiscretions.
b) You say she played the accusations down...or did he exaggerate them?
c) You day you were angry your dp didn’t tel his family the truth about his ex’s actions, which could have resulted in a different relationship between you and them...even though that could have ousted her and the first child from the extended family.

I’d never turn my back on my son or his children whatever he did, but they have. You can’t force them to change and and all you can do is ensure your children never think they’re missing out, because they’re not.

You had an EA. That's not great but at least he left his wife before things became physical (although I do swither sometimes over which is worse.

I could never disown my son. Never. Regardless of what he did, but I'll admit that I might have some negative feelings towards his affair partner because he's my flesh and blood and she isn't . But if they had kids, my grandkids, I could never cut them off. I don't understand that at all.

Your kids won't miss what they've never had.

These people are crazy. If they choose to betray their own son and grandchildren they aren't people you want in your life. Honestly, I think you imagine them to be better people than they are and hence think your dc are missing out. They really aren't. These are seriously emotionally stunting people. People fall in love, sometimes not at the right moment. Anyone who has felt it knows. But them? The abandonment was all done knowingly and in the cold light of day. Better off without. Let them stand alone on their hill of righteousness without their own flesh and blood. Fools.

Collateral damage happens sometimes

Gosh, there is a lot of projecting on here.

OP- it sounds like a shit situation but you cannot do anything about it. People fall out of love all the time. More of those people should actually split up than hang around making each other miserable!

I’ve been cheated on before. But I don’t feel any bitterness towards the OW. It was my boyfriend’s decision to find someone else. I’d lost him before she had him. I just didn’t know.

At least your OH tried to make a clean breast of things and not keep you both going like spinning plates. That speaks to a respect for all involved.

If my son had an affair I would wash my hands of him and this would inevitably mean doing the same to his children, which would be an unfortunate side effect.

What a ridiculous statement. Those are innocent children and you would be missing out. You don't have to be buddies with the other woman but that is totally wrong.

Doesn’t sound like they have cut you off but rather relations were strained and neither party bothered to resolve them. Your DH doesn’t seem interested in his parents which has then extended to his children. Maybe the ex partner puts the effort in which is why they see their other grandchild. I don’t see why you are so bogged down in the expartners affair or non affair. That’s none of your business. Did they attend your wedding, if you are married.

@Accountant222

It’s sad that it happens.

Just as the child born to op’s partner and his ex is collateral damage from the EA and subsequent split, so is the attitude that the partners family have towards op and her children I guess.

@BelleSausage

Nonsense...people aren’t projecting.

The op had an EA. If she was asking for advice about a current EA, we’d all tell her how wrong both she and the man were being. What’s occurred is a result of that...yet the ex’s morality is currently being somewhat blamed, when it’s irrelevant.

I’m certainly not projecting. My husband and I were childhood sweethearts, together for 25 years and still giddy. I’m simply just giving op my opinion.

My nana despises my uncles wife - it's been nearly 50 years of slinging insults and making little digs to anyone in earshot. I think you are quite lucky not to have to deal with that as it's been horrendous for my cousins to deal with their mum being constantly indulted by their nana.

I mentioned the exes affair because it was relevant to note that it wasn't a happy and secure relationship.

I think Jabber hit the nail on the head with what they said.

I also don't think it would have made any difference whether he stayed single for a year after leaving her or not because she's very close to his parents and they've expressed their very clear opinion which is that he should have stayed with her.

Your Dp isn't close to his family...they hate you, I can't see how a relationship with your children would work.

My MIL's family had a blanket policy of excluding second families. Several of MIL's brothers had divorced and remarried but only the first family was ever invited to family events.

Your in laws sound fucking awful. Your kids are better off without them. All the inheritance in the world isn't worth exposure to that kind of cruel mindset.

Their son made a mistake, you made a mistake (if we can call it that).

Sounds like their relationship was always strained and only improved because of the ex to begin with.

I think there's a little bit of wanting validation here on your part with his family and I can understand that, but really you are better off without contact.
I can't imagine disowning a child of mine in this situation - I would want to keep a relationship with the ex too though, particularly in view of the grandchild.

Op, your DH appears to not have made much of an effort to try to resolve the issue between you and your family. And although you say he doesn’t want to interfere between his ex’s and her close relationship with his family due to guilt, maybe he chooses to keep you away from them as he has told you lies which would be exposed if you met them? He is in a strong position to be able to sort this out as I’m sure his parents aren’t happy not having him in their lives either so would be open to discussion. That he doesn’t do this and is making zero effort shows that he is okay with the current situation for some unexplained reason.