I was the OW, and his family want nothing to do with our children

[Justanothersunday]

Cowardly name change for this. I'll sum up the backstory as briefly as possible whilst being transparent.

DP was with the mother of his first child for a long time, after many years together she was meeting up with another man from her past and bringing him back to their home whilst DP was at work. DP found out and forgave her for the sake of keeping the family together but the relationship never truly recovered.

A year or two after all of that i met DP, he changed jobs and joined my place of work. Over a period of months an emotional affair began. He told me he was developing feelings for me and was no longer in love with her so he left her and we began a relationship.

We moved in together and have gone on to have two children of our own. Many years later we are still together.

DP is still hugely involved in his DC1's life both financially and physically present.

The ex was close to his family and remains so, with most of them having very little to do with DP now and turning their backs on him.

However, his family have also refused to acknowledge our two children (short of giving me abuse on the internet) and have never wanted to meet them. My DC have never received a Christmas or birthday card and have been completely shunned.

They have grandparents, uncles and cousins they know nothing about.

Short of calling me a home wrecker etc which I can take on the chin, what do you think about the way my DC are being treat?

Should they be punished for their fathers actions?

I think the saddest part is your ils might go to their grave never speaking to their own son again, let alone some of their DGC. I can't imagine that, l have an adult son and l have an ex DIL whom l love dearly too and have an excellent relationship with as the mother of two of my two dgc..
But no way would l sacrifice ever seeing my son again for the sake of that relationship, my son would trump an ex DIL every time.
Just a thought but if you and ex have a fairly good relationship these days and so she has obviously moved on, why are his parents still keeping this up on the altar of taking her side. Do you think she still plays the victim to them maybe?

I wonder if he didn't tell his mother for the sake of her relationship to his ex-wife. Your DP may have spun out the story of his ex's affair and his family have more of the facts. If you did have contact with them then you'd likely find out more about another version of what happened - It is up to your partner to sort it out and he hasn't - probably because his version differs from theirs so it's not in his best interests to promote harmony.

I don't think he's fully been honest with you. I think he's making excuses about not revealing her infidelity because of this. I think there is probably a lot more to his role in their relationship not working.

We've been together five years, I don't know what he says to his parents when they speak as they speak so infrequently. I suspect they still badmouth me which he doesn't relay back to me for obvious reasons.

He has high functioning aspergers so to him it's not as simple as just popping round, they have made it so that we (he) feel totally unwelcome. The world is very black and white to him and in his eyes it's "we have cut you off. End of"

if my son had an affair I'd wash my hands of him

God really? How awful, I feel sorry for your son. I think my son would have to have committed the worst ever possible crime for me to turn my back on him. I'd be disappointed yes but I'd just want him to be happy.

You are better off without them. My dcs were nc with their grandparents and haven't missed out on anything.

I can’t imagine the GPS would suddenly shun their DiL and GC if they found out about her infidelity- it’s been years. They might however, realise what they’ve done to their own child (your DP) and start a relationship again. Win win. They need to know. Secrets are evil.

@GoldenEvilHoor erm, what? You don't have any love for them?!

If anyone can treat children so poorly you really don't want them in your lives. With the exception of the cousins as they would be too young to understand or have a choice. Can I suggest that you encourage your children to contact their cousins when they are older and their cousins start appearing on social media like facebook etc.

-I wonder if he didn't tell his mother for the sake of her relationship to his ex-wife.-

I've worded that very badly.

I'm suspicious about why he wouldn't tell his mother about his ex wife's affair. I don't buy it that he didn't want to ruin their relationship at the expense of your potential future relationship with her.

He says he didn't want his ex to lose the support of his family after he left. He also felt a tremendous amount of guilt for leaving so was ok with being the bad guy, he felt he deserved to be.

I appreciate that may sound peculiar but his thought processes are peculiar due to his ASD.

during an early argument

How did you get involved with the Ex Wife, enough to have an argument?

How someone behaves post separation is often where the damage occurs not the leaving. I can't see any reason why you would argue with his ex wife..that's a boundary crossed and perhaps that damaged their perception of you.

However 5 years isn't that long given the turmoil. Effectively your H and his Ex wife each had affairs, both claim it was emotional only. Given you want to be believed its important you believe her.

Start from the basis she might actually be a good woman who the inlaws like because she has lots of good traits. It will help you to empathise with her and that will help to heal the rift. Having a narrative that your H is not to blame and it mostly falls to her is too simple, especially when his family know him and her.

How old is his other child? Did he leave at a difficult time in the family?

Justanothersunday, how is the ex's behaviour (no sex, undefined contact) cheating, but your behaviour and that of your partner not a "full blown affair".

Your posts here comes across as highly lacking self awareness and any awareness, remorse or personal responsibility for your actions. I would imagine that your partner behaves similarly. Perhaps this is at the root of why his family don't want any close relationship with you.

OP, if he has ASD, I wouldn't be so sure they have cut him out, he may have chosen to "cut himself out" to avoid painful awkwardness.

Have you considered that you might also be on the spectrum? Your posts do resonate this way.

I don't find it hard to believe that he didn't tell them, though I would have in his shoes.

Don't forget they are the people who raised him, the fact that they would shun him so easily without even wondering to themself "hang on, what's my son who I love and brought up's side of the story" says a lot about why he's the kind of person who is crippled with guilt for leaving a relationship where he was unhappy after she had already had an affair. That will have been how they raised him to think.

Your children will be better off without those influences.

The children should not be punished for the circumstances in which their parents met. They're innocent.

If the grandparents don't want to be grandparents to the children then the children are better off being away from them.

Sometimes older people find it hard to let go of one partner being "wronged " so to speak .They often have ideas of being together for life and their Son has destroyed their dream! In reality this is not true of course ,as it is often problems on both sides causing relationships to fail.I think it is unfair of them to shun you but really there is nothing you can do TBH. Are there any mutual friends or relations more sympathetic to you ? .Maybe you could go through them ?

The difference between your children and his from his first wife us that his parents already knew them, had a relationship with them, and your actions will have had a massive life’s changing impact on them, which his parents would have seen. They have never met your children, have no relationship with them so it’s not the same as with his first children. If I were his mother I would find it incredibly difficult to even bring myself to ever speak to you. You’ve clearly hurt everyone by your actions (both of you).

I got into an argument with his ex partner (they weren't married) because she contacted me a few months after we began dating. I wasn't vicious but after being verbally abused and having my image picked apart i did point out she was a hypocrite because of what she had done herself.

That was when she downplayed her affair and said they didn't sleep together, but she had already admitted sexual contact to DP when he discovered there was something going on.

I do think leaving a relationship after developing feelings for another person is less unkind than having sexual relations with somebody then hiding the fact from your partner and continuing the relationship with them unaware is worse.

No I'm not on the spectrum myself and can't see how anybody could come to that conclusion based on my posts alone

So both partners are claiming to have had emotional affairs but not sex before separating - and that's true of you but not the ex in your opinion, OP?

This all sounds very recent tbh and I agree with Soontobe60 about your in-laws seeing the hurt to their grandchild. Also your DH may not be telling the truth but just what he sees if you don't actually speak to them yourself.

Why ASD? It's the seeming lack of ability to intuit how your comments around the ex might look to a 3rd party i.e. the other posters. There is a distinct lack of ability to see nuance to the situation. It seems very "I think I'm lovely, so what we did was fine, I find ex unpleasant, so what she did is not".

Others won't see it that way.

I would imagine it also rings a hollow note with your in laws and that this is feeding into their decision to keep distance.

If everyone went non contact with family members who had affairs there would be not many relationships left

His ex DP was regularly meeting somebody she knew from the past and bringing him to the family home when DP was working. DP found out about it and she admitted seeing him and that there had been some physical contact but they hadn't slept together. DP believes her account.

I didn't sleep with him until we had been dating for around a month, after he left her, because I was unsure whether he would change his mind and go back to his ex.

He didn't and we began a relationship.

I didn't sleep with him whilst he was with and living with her, but I do admit the reason he left was because I told him I reciprocated his feelings and would be with him - if he wasn't with her.

He didn't have to leave her for me he did that of his own accord but had he not then I wouldn't have allowed things to progress to a sexual relationship.

I don't know whether he would have slept with me before leaving her because it wasn't an option he had. I made it clear nothing would happen whilst he was in a relationship.

That is the truth of the matter.

I'm well aware I'm far less than innocent in this scenario, as I said in my OP I will take the 'homewrecker' consensus on the chin.

Despite the part I played in the relationship ending, my children are innocent and it saddens me that his family don't see it that way.

My stance is that once you’ve betrayed you poison a relationship and you lose all right to the injured party owing you the fidelity you were yourself unable to supply. This keeps some betrayers on borrowed time whilst their spouse sorts out their feelings and exits, be it to be alone or with someone else. That alas, is part of the payback you create for yourself when you cheat. Forgiveness is a hell of a lot harder than a lot of people know and I don’t blame anyone for failing despite their best efforts. The pain of finding out your spouse has been unfaithful does not stop straight after discovery or the first (or hundredth) apology. It lingers, deepens and infects with doubt and negativity all avenues of joy open to you. You go through your life like a zombie waiting for the day it will all be OK. It isn’t. Then you meet someone who distracts you from that relentless white noise in your head and you grasp the opportunity with both hands because you crave the uncomplicated, unsullied love and connection you know exists.

Be brave because life is too short and go to see them on your own.
Explain the Whole situation exactly as it was.
Make them aware that you appreciate they have a good relationship with his ex-partner and you don't want to jeopardize that.
But their grandchildren are innocent in all of this.
What have you got to lose? It really is a question of shit or bust, But you must say it exactly as it was.
You have to be prepared that the situation might not change, but at least you did your very best for your children.
I really understand your pain for your poor innocent children mixed up in all of this 💐💐💐